I've lost a parent but gained an inheritance and a shit load of guilt.

[PrivateP]

Name changer here. Being eaten up with worry and need some advice.

I had a pretty miserable, unsettled childhood and made my own way in the world both emotionally and financially. One of my parents had a mental illness, which added to this. However, in later life my family grew closer and things really were looking up. Unfortunately this was short lived as one of my parents died suddenly. Having to support my surviving parent, who is the one with the mental illness, has been difficult at times. I have young kids of my own and a stressful job. I suppose I haven't really dealt with the loss.

Anyway, my parents were exceptionally frugle and latterly became wealthy due to some shrewd decisions and admittedly, trampling on a few people. As they didn't have a will, the estate is left between my surviving parent, myself and my sibling. My dilemma is that my sibling has taken it for granted that we'll hand over our inheritance to our surviving parent, despite the fact that they've got a fairly huge chunk and a house. Part of me wants to hand mine over too - but the other part can't help thinking that I could put away some cash for my DC's education and pay a chunk of my mortgage. On the one hand I'm fairly sure if they had had a will it would leave everything to the surviving spouse, on the other hand the parent I lost wouldn't grudge me or my DC the money. I haven't spoken to anyone about this and it's making me ill with worry.

What would you do?

[springlamb]

Are you quite sure that (a) your father didn't intend for exactly this to happen and (b) that your mother wasn't made aware at some point that this would be the situation?

I ask that as my father died intestate and so the law dictated who inherited. It meant that some people were rightly included in the distribution without argument, whereas if he had tried to cover those people in a will, some family members would have caused uproar. I like to think he did it deliberately especially since there were some other anomalies in his affairs that made me believe he was craftier than we thought!

I would err on keeping the money out of your surviving parent's estate and so am glad you've decided to keep it. It's not like you're planning to spend it all on designer shoes and handbags. When the time came, your father may well have helped out with university costs etc had he lived.

[greyvix]

As I understand it, you avoid too much inheritance tax by leaving money to your children as well as your partner.
It would defeat the object to give this money to your surviving parent, particularly if they don't need it. I agree with the comments above; my parents have this arrangement: my siblings and I would inherit, but make sure that the surviving parent was comfortable financially.

[BackforGood]

Same here aza and Edam.
dh and I have mirror wills, but they acknowledge that half of what we own is mine and half of it is his. When either of us dies, half will go to the children once the surviving one no longer needs to live in the home.

[edam]

quite, aza. If (God forbid) I died and dh remarried, I'd hate some stepmother to waltz off with my half of the house (or proceeds of) rather than ds!

[azazello]

I agree with Married. If you have qualms, go and see a financial advisor or solicitor and talk through the implications for tax/ care needs etc.

Incidentally, I find the comments that it is 'right' to give your share to the surviving parent interesting. dH and I have wills leaving our shares in the house etc to our children but with the other having a right to use them. I know too many people who've had one parent die, the other marry again and everything eventually going to the children of the new partner because they didn't sort out their wills which is unlikely to be what anyone intended.

[Cretaceous]

But they were married, so really the surviving parent is losing something that she thought was hers to start with, through the marriage. She and her husband earned it though scrimping and saving etc. Maybe I just identify with the scrimping and saving here, but it would just upset me. And if the dad was still alive, would the OP have thought to go along and ask for a share of it? No, because it wasn't hers. It's just fallen into her lap because her dad died comparatively young and didn't think to leave a will. It's almost like everyone thinks it's just the dad's money, but surely in life it was thought of as shared.

Anyway, OP I don't want to upset you, because you are going through a stressful, horrid time. But I just feel this is going to lead to more upset, by just keeping the money. You need a proper upfront family discussion, and it would give your mum an opportunity, perhaps, to offer the money, making her feel good about the situation, and also then give your sibling the opportunity to have some of the money too.

[BackforGood]

thread

[BackforGood]

But it's said further up the threas, that, as well as money, the surviving parent has still inherited 2 houses. This doesn't seem to be a case of keeping money that will then leave a parent in poverty.

[Cretaceous]

Edam, yes, I certainly have made a will, and so has my DP. But we aren't married, so we are aware of that. I think that a lot of married people assume everything will go to their surviving spouse. I guess that's what the OP's dad did, and the OP says he would have left everything to his wife, if he had made a will.

I totally agree with marriedinwhite, except re the bit about taking the money, of course. And doesn't this just totally underline the importance of making a will.

I think that it's a bit sad that people decide that because someone is getting older (and in this case, the mum's only in her 50s, and has been scrimping and saving over the years), then they need the money less than someone who is younger and who has children. It might be that the mum would be happy for the OP to have the money. But she's just lost her husband, and to discover that one of your daughters is just going to keep the money because they feel they could put it to good use - I just think it's a bit upsetting.

[edam]

Cretaceous, I hope you've made a will? Everyone should, but as you refer to dp not dh, it's especially important.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I haven't read the whole thread but I would be honest with the surviving parent, say that you need the money and then keep your inheritance. The whole point of wills is to remove ambiguities and woolly things like 'expectations'. If the deceased wanted everything to go to the surviving partner (and I wasn't aware that it didn't), they should have made a simple will to that effect. If your sibling wants to hand over their share, that's their decision. If the surviving parent will be extremely well provided for after you have taken your share (and assuming they don't have to start selling things off in order to give you the money) then there's not much of a moral case against it.

But be up front about your intentions so that no-one can say you were underhand. And then, of course, make a will yourself.

[marriedinwhite]

I think you and your sibling, together with your surviving parent if they have the capacity and are willing, should make an appointment to see a good solicitor and take sound advice about how the estate should be divided to ensure the best outcome for all parties, the best financial planning for all parties, to minimise the impact of IHT in the future, to assist your remaining parent in making a will for the sake of both of you and for sorting out any issues in relation to power of attorney and funding the care of your remaining parent in the future. If you and your sibling have difficulty talking, if the estate is large, then deal with it using a legal framework to support everyone involved for the reassurance and security of everyone. I don't think it would be wrong to take the money because you aren't taking it; you are receiving what you are entitled to under the rules of inheritance.


Sorry for your loss OP.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Never pass inheritance up the survival chain, purely for inheritance tax purposes, you risk paying twice.

This is good advice.

[Cretaceous]

It is very sad that your dad died so young. You say that he hadn't reached his 60s. If your mum is therefore in her 50s, it could quite well be that she does need the money. If she has a well paid job, then fair enough. But she might live until she's in her 80s.

You say they scrimped and saved to get the money, and like a lot of people assumed the surviving partner would get all the money when the husband/wife died. If she's got millions, that might be different, but lots of people have two houses, with one as a buy-to-let. It might still have a mortgage on it. Who are we to say she doesn't need the money, as much as you.

I am just so surprised that only Derceto and I feel it would be wrong to take the money.

[handbagCrab]

Keep the money, even if there isn't universal agreement. If your family is dsyfunctional then giving the money to mum or doing the same as sis won't necessarily win their approval or love or respect, sorry if that is the plan. It also won't stop you feeling guilty, you'll probably just feel guilty about taking this opportunity from your dcs, particularly if things get harder in the future.

I'm really pleased that you have had some good fortune in this difficult time. From your first post it sounds like life hasn't always been a bed of roses but even if it had, it doesn't mean you have to give the money away just because that's what other people might think you should do. Best wishes.

[Inertia]

Is your sister executor of the will ? If not, then I don't see why it's something you'd even need to discuss with her.

Your surviving parent sounds well provided for, and your parents could have made wills themselves. When we made our wills, we were advised that it wasn't sensible to leave money to financially independent older relatives, because of the likelihood of paying more inheritance tax and because of care home cost considerations - it's usually more efficient to leave the money to their children / grandchildren.

Giving the money back to your mother might actually create a further tax burden, you'd need to check.

I think you should let the will be settled, then resist pressure from your sister.

[juneau]

What your sibling does with his/her share is their business. Similarly, what you choose to do with your share is your business. It doesn't sound like your surviving parent needs the money and it doesn't sound like your sibling does either, so is there any way of making them both understand that this money would make a HUGE difference to you right now, not at X date in the future? My parents agreed to give my sister a portion of her 'inheritance' early in order to buy a house, as she needed one in her 30s, not when she's 60 and has lived in poverty and crappy, rented property most of her life. I was a bit initially, but decisions should be based on the needs of the individual, not on assumptions about what usually happens or what someone else would do.

[Derceto]

Yes if I wanted my children to have money I would have made a will. In fact as I am very likely to die before my husband I have a will which leaves a small amount to my children but allows my husband to carry on living in our home and to maintain his lifestyle and have the security of savings .

[lightrain]

You need to think carefully about this, but I can see a number of reasons for not just handing back your share (and also your siblings share) to your surviving parent:

1. inheritance tax. Do some research and be careful. Perhaps even see a financial advisor. If its a substantial sum, you risk needlessly losing a great deal in tax if you're not careful.
   
   
2. your surviving parents mdntal health. You mentioned that you have had to be carer for this parent. Does this mean that your parent may be incapable of making good financial decisions (hard to know exactly what MH issues and how severe they are from your post, but if it was dementia, for example, perhaps it may be time to think about whether your parent can handle finances anyway? I wouldn't hand over huge sums of money if there is a question over this).
   
   
3. as already mentioned, if your surviving patent already has a lot of money and will be very comfortable without your share, it seems pointless to hand it back (especially if you could do with the money)
   
   I think you should try to have a discussion on the first two items with your sibling, and look at it through factual eyes. It might help reduce and confrontation. To me, it doesn't really make financial sense to hand either share back to your parent.
   
   Sorry for your loss.

[Thumbwitch]

In which case, Derceto, perhaps you'd make a will to ensure they didn't?

PrivateP - I agree with the majority - keep the money and use it now. Your mum doesn't need it (would be different if she did) and you won't end up paying inheritance tax on it later.

It's lovely that your sister doesn't need the money either - how lucky for her! - but maybe she hasn't thought/doesn't know about the inheritance tax thing either. Perhaps you could mention it to her? Stick to your own decision though. Do what's right for you and your children, so long as your mother is ok.

[Derceto]

I would not not take the money. I would not like to think that my children would take money from my husband or partner that we had saved together.

[Proudnscary]

Hi - I think you have made the right decision.

I'm so sorry you lost a parent and that this decision has been making you so upset and worried.

One of the most cruel things about having dysfunctional, inadequate or toxic parents is that we feel disproportionate guilt connected to their ill health and death - I can only guess that's because we have negative or mixed feelings about them and this feels wrong and turns to shame and guilt. This has probably made this decision seem bigger and more problematic then it perhaps needs to be.

x

[Daisy17]

How about talking to your mum rather than your sister? Along the lines of "dad didn't make it clear what he wanted to do with the money, would you like it back or shall I keep it?". The problem you have is not knowing what your dad would have wanted and I'm guessing your mum would know this more than anyone else.

[gettingeasier]

Good decision OP you arent being at all greedy

Firstly theres all the tax implications

Secondly she doesnt need the money and you do

[3duracellbunnies]

I would suggest that both you and your sister put it into a long term investment (although you are of course both entitled to use it if you wish); with the agreement that if the remaining parent is down to just one house and hard up that you both chip in. If they already have MH issues then they may need long term care, in which case the money will go on that, plus the extra tax implications. It doesn't sound as if the other parent needs it at the moment so I would keep it between you.