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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Indecisive/contradictory/confusing/HeadF*ck!!

26 replies

MyBabyIsAHeadFck · 20/09/2012 19:01

"Next year I'd like us to consider moving in together" (few days later) "it's a bit soon to be thinking about moving in together!" - but YOU were the one that said it in the first place, not me!!

After a really, really good night together - "so, how do you think things are going between us?" (I reply all is good) he replies "yeah I think so too - we don't need to rush things do we and you know how much stuff I have going on right now, there isn't just us to think about" - and you tell me this after a great night together why exactly??

"I don't want to say things I don't mean - like I don't want to say 'I love you' if I don't mean it. I like you a hell of a lot - I think a lot about you - I do love you in a way, I do love you, of course I do" - so which is it then? you do or you don't??

"I'd really like us to go to America on Holiday next year together" (.... next day) "We can't think about holidays and stuff yet can we, we don't know what will be happening next year" - it was YOU that said it!!! not me!!!

"I don't mind you putting stuff on Facebook about me - it's about time we started doing stuff like that anyway - I need to change my relationship status to 'in a relationship'" - I reply - "ok, so you're ok with me changing my relationship status? I was going to do it last week but thought I'd better ok it with you first" - he replies "no of course not, do it! I'll do mine too" - next day, I change my relationships status on facebook - he goes quiet on me and I don't hear from him all day (unusual) turns out he's a bit freaked out that I changed my relationship status. WTF??? HE TOLD ME TO!!!

What the fuck is going on here because it's all doing my head in. I don't push him - it's HIM that mentions this stuff and then makes out that he's being pressured into doing stuff - but they're his ideas originally!!

Is he just fucking with me on purpose because I've really had enough. I don't have the headspace for this shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBabyIsAHeadFck · 20/09/2012 19:03

Just remembered another one (there are loads, they'll be coming to me all night!!)

"I'll have to introduce you to my mum!" - a few days later "it's not that I'm ashamed to be with you but it's a bit soon for family introductions" - it was your bloody idea not mine!!

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 20/09/2012 19:05

Please please read the 'red flags' thread!

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 20/09/2012 19:07

He's a messer. Get rid.

Original poster
MyBabyIsAHeadFck · 20/09/2012 19:10

You know what I feel like? I feel like a donkey chasing a carrot on a stick. And it takes a bloody strong donkey to give up on the carrot when it looks so good and keeps coming so close Sad

I fall for it everytime. When we're together we have an amazing time, cuddle, kiss, talk, laugh - he says stuff like the America thing and I go home all fuzzy and warm. Trouble is, part of me now just waits for the contradictory conversation that I know will follow.

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 20/09/2012 19:11

Again: 'Red Flags' Thread

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 20/09/2012 19:12

He's never going to change or stop and you seriously can do a lot better - don't waste your time or emotion on someone like this. old enough to be your mother probably

glastocat · 20/09/2012 19:12

He's a dick.run away, fast.

Original poster
MyBabyIsAHeadFck · 20/09/2012 19:12

Dog, how did you know he was older than me?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBabyIsAHeadFck · 20/09/2012 19:14

Thanks fingers, I'll have a read now x

OP posts:
Mydogsleepsonthebed · 20/09/2012 19:17

well. I'm old enough to be your mother, but I bet a pound to a penny he's older than you and has a history of terrible relationships going back to the fucking ice age.

Lovingfreedom · 20/09/2012 19:20

You said it in the title of your post...this man is a headf*ck...to be avoided. He will make you crazy if you don't get rid. Dump him.

Original poster
MyBabyIsAHeadFck · 20/09/2012 19:21

He was married for almost 20 years. He says he's scared about the prospect of a new relationship as he was with his ex so long, knew her inside out and it's frightening starting it all again with someone new. I can understand that but ffs, does he want to be with me or not?? It's not fair to string me along like this, it's driving me insane. If he was just to say "you know what, I'm not ready for a relationship" that would be ok - I'd be upset but I'd know where I stood and would wish him well. But as it is - I don't know what the fuck is going on. He's the ONE person I let my guard down with and he's well and truly infiltrated my head and is damaging it one piece at a time.

OP posts:
Mydogsleepsonthebed · 20/09/2012 19:22

What would you tell your best friend? If it was them in the situation?

Original poster
MyBabyIsAHeadFck · 20/09/2012 19:24

I'd tell her to get out and find someone without all the 'ishoos'.

But then, I wouldn't be so emotionally attached and it would be easy for me to say Sad

OP posts:
AlmostAGoldHipster · 20/09/2012 19:24

Get your guard right back up! He's mental unreliable and an arsehole inconsistent. You can do without that.

Lovingfreedom · 20/09/2012 21:31

It would be understandable (and wise) if he wanted to take it slowly...but it's the coming and going, mind-changing and leading you on...letting you down, that's the problem. He is a serious headf*ck...can see it a mile off. You're probably emotionally involved because of the roller-coaster effect that he's creating...it starts out exciting...and quickly becomes exhausting though.

janelikesjam · 20/09/2012 21:35

He's either (1) doing it on purpuse - messing with your head and thats reprehensible or (2) he has some kind of serious mental problems, emotional or otherwise.

Who needs this in their life? Not you from the sounds of it.

Dryjuice25 · 20/09/2012 21:47

.....I'd be careful not to get pregnant, please heed mners advice.

He is bad, bad and very bad. Run for the hills , do the same to him, see how he likes it....and again RUN.

ninah · 20/09/2012 21:49

I reckon if you are worried enough to start 2 threads on here about a new relationship you should consider making it an ex relationship

Lovingfreedom · 20/09/2012 21:51

I don't know what the fuck is going on. He's the ONE person I let my guard down with and he's well and truly infiltrated my head and is damaging it one piece at a time.

You wrote this OP...call time. Take care. x

bumhead · 20/09/2012 23:18

How long have you been seeing him?

AnyFucker · 20/09/2012 23:25

get shut of him

you know it makes sense

and yes, you can walk away from him

Viviennemary · 20/09/2012 23:25

He sounds a bit of a pain. How long have you been going out with him? Also sounds as if he could be fishing to see how you feel about him. And then backtracking. Hmm.

EHoneybadger · 20/09/2012 23:28

I had one like this. Early on told me he thought "I was the one" told me to "look after him because when he was into a girl he wouldn't look at anybody else". Did sweet romantic things like draw hearts in the steam on my bathroom mirror and make a fake dictionary entry playing on my name. He told me I was "beautiful and delicate" and a boy like him only met a girl like me once in his life and he was going to look after me and make time for me.

HUGE red flag was he told me how he had tried so hard to make things work with his ex but would come down and find her in tears and could never get to the bottom of it. He said she was a control freak and called her "Gestapo".

As he got me interested his emails became a little less frequent and much shorter and everything was always about him and how busy and stressed he was. I hardly ever saw him, when I did he was working and used my house as a base which got him closer to where he worked. I work full time but also managed to clean, shop, cook and clear up for us both. I would come home to a sink full of his plates and cups when he worked from my house and he never even bought a bottle of wine to go with dinner. I got grumpy, he distanced himself.

He didn't introduce me to any of his friends or his parents and even managed to sit texting a female friend the night before his birthday who asked him if he was at a cinema they both used to go to when younger and failed to mention that he had been dating me for 4 months and was at a dinner party with me and 3 of my friends.

When we finally talked he told me that he "had so many plates spinning that when my plate became less pleasant it was easier to overlook it". Right on the back of that he told me "I was special, that if he couldn't have me he didn't want anybody else as it would just seem like second best"

I stupidly heard the last bit and stayed that night but woke up wondering what the hell I was doing and told him I didn't think it was going to work. His reaction was "oh, ehoney, I don't have time for serious talks today I have way too much work to do".

His last words to me as I was walking out of the door were "but the feelings are coming back" with pathetic puppy dog face. I just looked at him thinking if this was how he treated somebody he allegedly thought was special and didn't want to lose hell mend somebody he wasn't really that into and kept walking.

I think with people who blow hot and cold or contradict themselves you should listen to the least positive messages (spoken and unspoken) and if they just don't seem that into you, they probably aren't.