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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do

86 replies

Wat2do · 19/09/2012 22:20

This is dp question, left my wife for ow, stbx ex w hates me and new girlfriend, been together 12 months, how long does it take?

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 20/09/2012 00:09

No, no. It's "dippy" question........perhaps....

Opentooffers · 20/09/2012 00:21

I think you will have to go a looo...ng way to even begin to justify your actions on here. Even then, there are a lot of people who would still see you as scum of the earth as been on receiving end. I hope for your DC's sake you are being less than objective when describing your DW's current behaviour. Never happened to me, so trying to be objective I'd say that the less grief you give her and the less you rub her nose in things, the quicker it will be. Ultimately, it's not important that your forgiven at all. The best you can do now is to assist her to care for her children in the way she wants to - their lives count more than yours.

IfIWereALion · 20/09/2012 05:10

Wow OP, your wife sounds like a complete cow. Imagine that she actually took her marriage seriously! That she believed you would not betray her trust. That you would not make a mockery of that trust and of your lives together. That your wife and your children should mean more to you than anyone else. You couldn't help falling in love. Who is she to stand in the way? The heart wants what the heart wants after all. and you have given her a whole 12 months to pick up the pieces of her life.

You are surprised that she's making your life difficult? After how reasonable and fair you have proven yourself to be? You could try acting with a little compassion and empathy which is obviously more than you've done thus far and you could try pretending that you're not a cunt.

How long will it take her not to hate you and your girlfriend? Take the length of your marriage. Multiply it by two. Add the length of time you were together before marriage. Now add to this figure the ages of each of your children. You may now be in the ballpark of how long it will take her to simply pity and loathe you.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 20/09/2012 05:41

Poached eggs in top of well done streaky bacon on top of a toasted muffin.

With a coffee and a little ketchup on the side.(salt and pepper too)

Offred · 20/09/2012 06:50

Fafftastic has clearly not read all the "I've had an affair" threads recently. Men and women get equally flamed for affair having.

At least you left rather than shagging about op but it doesn't make the split any easier or better for your wife. There's no time limit on the grief. I don't believe you are paying 4x the minimum payment as you have said you have kids plural which in that case would mean you are paying 80% of your wage for two kids and 100% for three.

There are things you can do to help such as giving her space, if that means a while of not seeing the dcs then so be it. Also do not even consider having ow around during contact. Contact should be about the children and not you and they don't need to care about ow. Hopefully she will get some support for the drinking, as your priority has to be the children whatever has happened I would not let it make you meek in protecting them from her drinking.

MummysHappyPills · 20/09/2012 06:59

Poor woman, do you've driven her to drink? Think you should be trying to help her, not counting the days til she snaps out of it to appease your own conscious. So you waited until until you dumped her til you shagged ow? Firstly don't believe you, and doubt she does, and secondly does that make it all alright then? My how very noble of you...

Sarahbananabump · 20/09/2012 07:05

Funny how because this is a man asking everyone is being so spiteful!

If it was a woman the replies would be completely different!!

Offred · 20/09/2012 07:09

Simply isn't true Sarah.

as evidenced here

MummysHappyPills · 20/09/2012 07:11

That is not true Sarah. If a woman came on here saying, " I left dh for another man, now he is upset, why can't he just get over it?" she would be shot down in flames. A woman came on here the other day and said she had had a one night stand with another man and she was thinking about seeing him again. She was told in no uncertain terms she was being selfish and stupid. And it least she came on the thread with some kind of remorse and concern for her dh. This man has no concern for his exw. Just for himself, and when she will stop making HIS life hard. Any woman would get exactly the same treatment if the roles were reversed.

MummysHappyPills · 20/09/2012 07:12

Yes that was the thread I was thinking of!

Offred · 20/09/2012 07:13

The op's getting flamed because he is asking when his wife is going to get over his infidelity because he feels she's had 12 months and that should be sufficient. Heartless.

Sarahbananabump · 20/09/2012 07:14

Ok - I stand corrected .

As you were

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/09/2012 07:20

I don't think she will ever get over it and I think it is unrealistic of you to expect her to. My dad has been married to my stepmum for 30-odd years now, my mum still can't cope being in the same room as them (made my wedding 12 years ago very, very hard for them all).

Offred · 20/09/2012 07:20

MrsHoarder · 20/09/2012 07:29

As long as it takes. You just have to be patient and a good dad because you have no control over your stbxw's emotions (not that you ever did, but you used to be able to influence them presumably).

As for poaching, forget vinegar and swirling. Get the water boiling, turn it down (so that its still), drop the eggs in from as close to the surface of the water as you dare then turn it up again. Because the water is still when the eggs go in they hold together well and the whites cook to hold it all together. Can do up to 6 eggs at once with this method.

AThingInYourLife · 20/09/2012 07:32

"just want the children to have stability"

Presumably this only became your priority after you smashed up their family because you fancied a bit of strange...

You hypocrite!

Walkacrossthesand · 20/09/2012 07:45

OP, is this helping? Are you beginning to see that getting married & having children was a commitment, and the idea was that you would stick together, and if things went wrong you would try even harder to make things work, and if you couldn't then you would sadly split up, and having recovered from splitting up you might be lucky & find a new partner - in which case I doubt your ExW would be feeling/acting as she is. But you threw all that over & dumped her, so she's angry & upset andin a personal hell of your making. You can't draw a line above what you did & say 'nothing that happened before, counts' - which is sadly what people in these circs often try to do. Have you said sorry to her for what you put (are putting) her through?

schobe · 20/09/2012 18:31

Did you really leave your wife and children the moment you started having feelings for someone else?

My god, that's amazing most people have at least had romantic chats and longing glances and discussions about forbidden love that cannot be denied. And plenty of shagging come to think of it.

Is that really really super duper cross your heart and hope to die true though? Or is that just what you've told everyone and they can't prove any different?

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 20/09/2012 18:32

This week? Next week? Sometime? Never?

Why do you care?

Mellower · 20/09/2012 18:38

sometimes never!

How long were you with each other? You and your wife I mean and did you means those vows you took, at the time and are you happy now?

HecateHarshPants · 20/09/2012 18:40

If your timeline is truthful - that you met someone else, realised you were falling in love with them and ended your marriage before so much as holding hands with this other woman - then you haven't behaved as shamefully as if you were conducting an affair behind your wife's back, all lovey dovey with the other woman, kissy snuggly and making plans for the future...

She shouldn't be using the children - if that is what she is doing, of course she shouldn't. Nobody could possibly argue that it is ever right to use your children to hurt their other parent.

How long should it take her to get over it (or however you put it) It will take her as long as it takes her. You hurt her. You broke her. That's your fault. She's had her world torn apart and 12 months is not a long time. You met someone, you walked out, you left her a single parent, you made all the decisions, you probably mentally checked out of the relationship before you physically did but the first she knew of it was WHAM, I don't love you any more, I've met someone else, I'm off. And she's supposed to process that in a timely fashion and be ok by now? You just landed it on her and now you think she should get over it because you feel like enough time has passed and it would be easier for you if she did.

Hopefully some mediation will help begin to separate her understandable loathing of your treatment of her from how to proceed as parents in the best interests of the children. again -if that's what she's actually doing.

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 20/09/2012 18:42

Imagine. You took vows and promised to be with your wife faithfully and forsaking all others forever. Till death do you part and all that. Then you met someone else, thought you might have a bit of feeling for them they might make a good shag and you left. And you want to know when your wife might forgive you?

You're a liar, a cheat and an adulterer. What's to forgive? I mean, you have a right to be happy

CremeEggThief · 20/09/2012 18:46

Excellent post, Hecate.

As someone who was left for an O.W. in June, with NO inkling that anything was going on, and found out recently he moved in with her straight away (although refuses to tell me the address and hasn't even set up a postal redirection to his new address), you have described some of my feelings, and I would imagine those of most people who have been left suddenly, very , very well .

Mellower · 20/09/2012 18:51

Ditto creameggthief - 2 years later I still have ex's mail coming here.. He knows he messed up though and spent a full 12 months of last year begging to come back, after getting said g/friend pregnant! Ha ha ha!

Obviously I welcomed him with open arms, as you do...

mouldyironingboard · 20/09/2012 18:54

The only thing that matters in this situation is that you spend quality time with your children and pay regular maintenance. How quickly your ex gets over the split isn't actually relevant. She will never forgive you or be friendly towards you and your new gf, but she will eventually accept that you've moved on. The chances are that your current relationship will be over by the time that happens.

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