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Original poster

Should I tell my DH

54 replies

VodkaAndCokeplease · 17/09/2012 15:11

DH and I have been married for abt. 15 years, 2DCs

A few months ago I developed a crush for someone else. I don't know where this came from because although things are not the way they were in my home life I always considered myself to be happy. Unfortunately it is not possible to stop seeing this OM because he is someone I work with. Nothing has happened between us and that is how I want it to stay, there is no way I would cheat on DH. I have tried to get the OM out of my system and focus my energy on my relationship but it does not want to go away. I'm running out of ideas and I wonder if perhaps I should tell DH that I have feelings for someone else but that there is no way I would act on them. I know it would cause a lot of pain and that perhaps this is a selfish thing to do. However I do think DH is noticing a difference in my behaviour. The other day he asked me to use my phone because his was flat. I'm not sure if it really was or if he just wanted to have a look to see if there was anything in my phone, which of course there isn't because there is nothing going on.

I need this feeling to go away and I feel guilty as if I'm having an affair because I often think about the OM. I'm not a bad person and I don't want to hurt anyone but if I'm honest with myself I think that if I did not have DC I may be tempted to take this further.

Please help...

OP posts:
Numberlock · 17/09/2012 15:14

Am I jumping the gun in thinking it's only a matter of time before you act on these feelings, Vodka? Has the OM made it clear he would like something to happen?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/09/2012 15:14

Don't tell your DH, as it would cause a lot of pain and be a selfish thing to do.

Deal with your issues yourself. You can control your thoughts about this person. Easiest way is to distract yourself with something else - such as focusing on reconnecting with your husband?

What are the issues in your marriage that mean it is not the same as before?

Original poster
VodkaAndCokeplease · 17/09/2012 15:18

We get on well, I would say that there is a spark between us but that could be just in my head. I don't know 100% sure if this feeling is both ways. I do go out of my way not to be on my own with him.

OP posts:
lackingNameChangeInspiration · 17/09/2012 15:21

I don't see what there is to gain, I don't think he'll thank you for not acting on it he'll just be hurt that you feel that way, he isn't the person to help you get over the OM or work through those feelings

what do you wnt out of telling him? TBH even if he's thinking the worst the fact that you DO have feelings for someone else isn't going to reassure him!

AnnieLobeseder · 17/09/2012 15:21

This happened to me. I just ignored it until it went away, and just treated the feelings as an annoyance get over, like a cold. Worked for me. Could you try that?

lackingNameChangeInspiration · 17/09/2012 15:21

and you can never un-tell him

Original poster
VodkaAndCokeplease · 17/09/2012 15:22

I have tried to focus on the relationship with my husband but I'm not doing very well. Just returned from a very nice family holiday and all I could think of was OM.

In my mind DH and I have a good relationship. Bedroom is fine to but the spark is kind of gone which I think is not that strange after all this time together.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 17/09/2012 15:22

The thing is, we are feeling creatures, and we can't help what we feel. All we can control is what we do with the feelings.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 17/09/2012 15:23

Don't say anything to your dh, you will change things between you for no good reason. If there are other issues going on between you then focus your energy on remedying those.

susiedaisy · 17/09/2012 15:24

No I wouldn't tell him, how would you expect him to react?? You have a crush it will pass!

lotsofcheese · 17/09/2012 15:24

"Crushes" are best kept in your head. And they're ok provided you don't act upon them. They're not real. If you can "use" it to spice up your sex life with your DH, that's the best way to go. It will pass - and in 6 months you'll wonder what you saw in him.....

Numberlock · 17/09/2012 15:25

How about a trial period where, instead of the time you spend thinking about OM, you put effort into new things to do with your husband. Eg arranging a babysitter so you can have a weekly night out. Sending the children to grandparents so you can go away for a night or two. Surprising your husband with flirty texts. Wearing something sexy to bed etc etc.

How old are your kids?

delilahlilah · 17/09/2012 15:26

No, I don't think you should tell your DH. It isn't fair to him. You do need to distance yourself from OM. Imagine how you would feel if your husband told you this about an OW he works with, imagine his face if you broke his heart. You need to put a stop to this asap.
Remember, OM is at present a fantasy - he does all the turn off things too, he burps, farts, leaves his laundry on the floor. Gets pissed, dribbles and snores. Try to think of him at his worst and see if that helps.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/09/2012 15:26

Don't tell your DH because, you're right, it wouldn't help. 'I fancy someone else' instantly makes the problem a highly personal beauty contest and you lose a huge amount of trust at the same time. If there's no spark in your marriage, if you're bored, lacking affection or there's something else wrong, articulate it and try to resolve it together.

Original poster
VodkaAndCokeplease · 17/09/2012 15:28

This Crush has been going on for a lot longer than 6 months and it is not getting better. This is the reason I was considering telling DH. We are very normally very open and talk about problems if we have any.

The other day I had a dream about OM (a very nice dream) but the next morning over breakfast I felt so guilty as if had slept with OM in real life.

Nothing has happened and I don't want anything to happen but in a way I feel as if I'm having an affair.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 17/09/2012 15:33

But what are you hoping to get from telling your Dh ?? You will hurt his feelings and he can't stop your crush for you.

alienreflux · 17/09/2012 15:34

oh dear, what a horrible situation, the fact is you're not having an affair, so try to stop the guilt trips. Do you know this OM very well? try and see the reality of him, it's always very different from the 'crush' version! Is your DH taking you for granted? do you feel lonely? you can tell him any of this,or whatever you think you can work on together, or maybe counselling? but don't tell him about your 'fantasy' man, it will cause untold shite.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/09/2012 15:37

The crush is not an entity outside of your control, OP. It's lasted 6 months because your own thoughts have kept it going, and it will last as many more months as you continue to devote your thoughts on the OM.

You control your thoughts. If you want rid of the crush, you can focus on something else.

Original poster
VodkaAndCokeplease · 17/09/2012 15:40

I don't think DH is taking me for granted. If there is one problem we have in our relationship it is that we are both very busy and perhaps don't make enough time for each other. But that is not something that is easy to fix. DH also travels a lot for his job and often spends the evening working at home on his laptop. We have talked about taking time out for ourselves but it somehow doesn't happen because we don't seem to he able to pencil it in to the diary.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 17/09/2012 15:44

Vodka So what about my idea of making that happen (spending more time with your husband)?

As for the 'crush', I'm not sure what exactly you mean by this. Do you mean you've developed one-sided feelings for him with absolutely no encouragement from him? Is it mainly in your head? Or do you chat a lot more at work than with other colleagues, flirt with him, exchange 'looks'?

lackingNameChangeInspiration · 17/09/2012 15:46

maybe constantly fighting the thoughts is just making them more appealing!

what about "allowing" yourself a week to freely fantasise about it and really imagine life with OM, but just a week, to see if that gets it out of your system a bit?

Original poster
VodkaAndCokeplease · 17/09/2012 15:48

Numberlock - I don't know if it is one sided, I don't want to find out if it is.

He is one of the colleagues I get on with very well, which is how this thing developed. That why nowadays I do my very best not to be on my own with him or have conversations which don't at least involve one other person.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 17/09/2012 22:36

Oh, don't worry about dreams. I have dirty dreams about the subject of my crush and ex boyfriends all the time. Just enjoy them! Grin

There's no point in feeling guilt. You can't help what hormones and chemistry are doing to you. You can't help your dreams. Like I said before, you can only control your actions.

My annoying crush has been going on 2 years, and seems to finally be fading (phew). It has been a real pain, but I didn't beat myself up about it at any point. I love my DH, I don't act on the crush in any way but to feel irritated by it. I will be glad when it's gone. But guilt? Why. I don't allow myself guilt in anything, as long as I know I'm being the best wife/mother/person I can reasonably be.

Shodan · 17/09/2012 22:51

Annie speaks a lot of sense.

I have had some quite spectacularly dirty dreams about my crush (a crush which I've had for years, off and on) but that's all they are- dreams. The same kind of dreams as the ones where other people feature in weird cameos, where objects start dancing, where chocolate suddenly becomes calorie-free. It's just your imagination at work, that's all.

Don't feel guilty- just allow yourself to accept it, enjoy it while it lasts because it will go at some point and you would hate yourself if you had hurt your DH's feelings for nothing.

Incidentally I recently noticed that the object of my crush has somewhat large earlobes and it's quite put me off him. I bet there's something you would find unattractive about your crush...

AnnieLobeseder · 17/09/2012 22:57

Good idea to look for an unattractive feature. Mine has wonky teeth and is an emotionally juvenile arse. No idea where the crush came from. Confused