DH has joined a transvestite dating site (long, sorry)

[StunnedandAngry]

I'm in shock. I think my changed username says it all, tbh. If this turns out to be a marriage-breaker I will repost in my RL NN as quite frankly I don't care who knows what the fucker's done to us.

DD's school does everything by emailun, they had sent a form out on Friday to be handed in today - my laptop isn't connected to the printer so I logged on to DH's pc this morning (as myself) to retrieve the email and print the attachment - I only had weekend emails on my webmail (I can't get outlook on his pc) so I then logged on as him (we know each other's passwords, trust has never been an issue) and went into his Outlook to get the school email.

The form was there and just beneath it were 2 emails, one welcoming him as a registered user to TrannyDates and another from them urging him to get a full membership so he can contact 'hot girls' directly.

I took DD to school (trying not to cry) and then went home and followed the link to his profile there. It's him. No photo, he's changed some details (exact location, dob - the fucker's made himself 8 years younger!) but the username he's given himself is one he uses on just about every site he goes on (up til today I thought that was Share dealing and Facebook) so I know it's him.

He's registered as being interested in erotic chat/email, discreet relationships and 1 on 1 sex. For Marital Status he has checked "Prefer not to say"

He doesn't have the full membership (I believe you have to pay for that) but the fact he's even registered has appalled me. Still trying not to cry.

I just can't believe it. What is upsetting and pissing me off even more is that we haven't has sex for 2 years - because HE hasn't wanted it! He is VERY overweight (another lie on his profile, says he's 'average') and tells me he feels depressed and undesirable - when I've tried to initiate sex (I've always had a higher sex drive than him throughout our TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD MARRIAGE) he's either put me off or been unable to sustain anything. I've been unpushy and understanding but quite frankly there have been times when I've fantasized about going out and getting a fuck buddy (only I wouldn't, because I love him). I've read that 'sexless relationships' thread many times and wondered if I should be on it...

And the real pisser? I may well be outing myself despite the namechange here, but I've just been made redundant and am a sahm - for the first time in my life, financially dependant upon the bastard (we put the redundancy payment - 2 years' wages - against the mortgage). He wanted me to do this. Tbh, I wanted to do this, I want to be there for DD (she has mild learning difficulties and needs support), to go back to college and retrain, but now I don't know what to do. I'm a 46 year old woman with childcare commitments, no qualifications beyond o'levels and work experience of only 1 organisation, how the fuck am I going to support myself now?

I don't know what to do. I'm utterly shellshocked and can barely see the screen now for crying. I want to drive over to his office and murder the bastard.

Also found out on looking further in his email that he opened a gmail account with a different password (he has the same password for everything usually) so I have no idea what else he's been doing. I trusted this man. He's often working late/away and I trusted and believed him. Fuck knows what he was actually doing. I feel like our marriage is a complete and utter sham.

What do I do now?

This sounds awful op I'm so sorry your in this position. Im sorry but I don't believe him there seem to be just too many red flags.
Agree with anyfucker -push him to make a official complaint in my experience (friend had email hacked) these things are treated quickly and fairly seriously, if he stalls then.... Whole thing seems very odd I'm afraid.

It seems to me the OP was so completely shell shocked because she does/did trust him?

Also she says her DP is VERY overweight, depressed and feels undesirable. He also seems to have erection issues. This could all stem from the weight he is carrying and depression issues.

Of course he could be overweight, gay and living a lie too. It's just not all adding up to secret gay life/tranny fancier to me.

I don't know about your partner HipHop (if you have one that is) but if I found a tranny dating site on my current squeeze's e-mail I'd automatically assume it was the same kind of spam that offers me penis extensions and willing Russians. The fact that the OP followed the link to the profile etc says to me that they thought it was a reasonable thing for her DH to be engaged in. After two sex-free years, is anyone surprised?

We both have gmail which is very good a filtering any kind of junk - never makes it to your inbox. So if I saw something like that, I'd think first off someone was setting him up.

It's not that I don't think it's a possibility for men - of course it is and a very real one. It's just that from what the OP has told us it just doesn't feel like it's the case.

I'm sorry OP I think his explanation is unlikely. It is the standard excuse by men who are caught out and in fact is the only excuse that would get anyone off the hook. He knew something was wrong when you asked him to come home, he may well have been prepared and guessed it as this if he has just signed up. If someone was going to hack his account they could surely find a more lucrative purpose than this, particularly as he does on line share dealing.

Have you googled his usual NN? People are sloppy about this and you may well find he shows up in other places that he shouldn't. If so, be prepared for him to say that he didn't do those either or that someone must have got his details.

The weight and depression could equally stem from a suppressed sexuality... Who knows. All that can be said is there are issues here with trust and intimacy.

If it is a prank I would expect him to be really upset and shocked (similar to op on discovery) rather than the fairly controlled reaction that was described and his focus being on convincing her not his utter horror and violation.

OP I'm sorry you've had such an awful day. It all sounds quite suspicious but I understand you want to trust him.

My corcern is that regardless of whether he did or didn't sign up for the website there are some serious issues in your marriage.
Has he sought any help for his issues? The lack of sex drive and depression? Have you considered Relate?

I wouldn't know what to think OP. On the one hand he lets you have his passwords and access to his accounts so why would he do anything dodgy on them....but on the other stranger things have happened.

In your shoes I would accept his tale for now but install a keylogger and then you can know for sure over the next few weeks/months.

If he has been up to anything then the worst part is that he let you put your redundancy money into the mortgage...I really hope it's all a misunderstanding of some sort.

The one thing I wanted to add is that I really doubt that a transvestite dating agency would spam people in the hope that they would join up, as some have suggested (and I realise that this is not the OP's DH's explanation).

Transvestitism is something that is done a lot in secret - or at least as separate to their "real lives" - by a large percentage of the people that go in for it. Surely the last thing any transvestite seeking a date would want is for their dating site to spam loads of random blokes in their local area. Can you imagine if an aggressive, nasty, I'm-a-real-bloke-me got something like that? What he could possibly do to the people on the site as revenge?

To me it's either

• someone at work as he claims, in which case it is SERIOUS bullying and he needs to make an official complaint

or

• him

It sounds like he's actively trying to put you off him in hopes you won't ask for sex. Does he kiss you?

Surely if he was majorly overweight and had erectile issues, he would make an effort to fix those things so his parnter would be attracted to him.

I hope you take cogitos advice and get a good talk out of this about the lack of sex etc

OK, the 5'8" thing is more than likely the default.

"Average" will be too.

It's the email that's the problem. Look at the time it arrived, as others said. That will be one minute after it was signed up.

Personally I wouldn't believe what he says. I'm not saying he's a transvestite or interested in them, but I'd be more inclined to think he was surfing around I've just been on the site and you can't view users without signing up. It would take a minute to sign up. I tried but kept getting a broken internet connection message.

I think sometimes when someone has ED they look for more extreme sex than they might otherwise.

I think sometimes when someone has ED they look for more extreme sex than they might otherwise.;

I think that may well be true

Morning Stunned. How are you feeling today?

Whatever conclusions you've come to, and it does seem that the MN Jury is split(!) I hope you are feeling better than yesterday.

I used to do what your DH does. Have one username and password (and not a clever one I'm afraid) and used it on a couple of chat sites similar to mumsnet, facebook, etc.

One day I received a "Thank you for signing up for XXX whatever whatever" I didn't even bother to open the email as assumed it was typical spam.

Couple months later received an email from random person I've never heard of saying "Do I know you? Why are you sending me porn?"

Checked my sent items. Someone had been using my email and my name for months to run some kind of porn site. They had sent out hundreds if not thousands of emails to people.

So I kinda have to believe the Op's DH.

The thing is Cracker that this is not someone running a porn site, it is dating for transvestites. A dating site for transvestites needs to be sensitive, and discreet. I really don't think this is anything dodgy coming from the site itself.

The "someone at work did this to me" is plausible but it needs to be accompanied by him taking action at work - making a complaint "Someone has done this, it nearly wrecked my marriage, I need to find out who and raise a grievance." He'd have an idea who it was, surely. It's quite unusual to be able to work out what someone's user name and password are, most people are not interested. If he is unwilling to make a complaint at work then I'd take that unwillingness as significant.

Also

Hiphop said "I think the height thing is a giveaway too - I'd believe he might lose a few pounds of weight, but no man I know would EVER represent himself as being shorter than he actually is."

Sorry to say this but the one circumstance he might do, is if he wanted to give the impression that he would make a convincing transvestite.

"Sorry to say this but the one circumstance he might do, is if he wanted to give the impression that he would make a convincing transvestite."

I'm not sure you can assume that. Most transvestites I've seen/known have been really tall before they get into their very high heels. And I think this is a site to go to if you want to date a transvestite. You don't have to be one yourself.

I don't believe him.

First, I have never heard of anyone playing such an unfunny and cruel prank on anyone else, and neither have you. Well, except on husbands who've signed up to an internet dating site and got caught, of course, but I mean real people. I have heard of people signing up to one site and their details being listed on many others, but they actively chose to sign up to one first.

Second, you don't get membership of anywhere much online without giving an email address to which a confirmation email is sent. You then click on a link and your membership is confirmed. For someone else to have done this on his behalf they would have had to know or guess the password so they could accept his membership for him.

Third, the fact that you caught him doing porn years ago was probably the warning shot he needed then to sort out his internet hygiene now. Everything he showed you was something he could have cleaned up. Clean browsing history - of course. No other emails - of course. Didn't know his password to the dating site - of course he didn't.

Fourth, all is not right in the bedroom department.

The furtiveness comes from what he has to lose if this gets out. He'll lose his family which presumably he wants to keep if just for the sake of his daughter. People will ask him why you split up, if you do. His family will ask him. What's he going to say? "We split up because I'm a tranny"? How fucking embarrassing is that?

FWIW I'd be surprised if he actually has met up with anyone, because if he had, the disparity between his actual and claimed age / appearance would be too great.

He's in a horrible place though. He's gay but married with a child. His choices are between staying married and in touch with his adorable daughter by hiding his secret gay sex life; putting up with being celibately gay and married to a woman; or getting divorced, probably acrimoniously and amid humiliating embarrassment, and losing his house and much of his contact with his daughter.

The one he's doing is the least-worst in terms of impact for himself.

whoa !

None of this says he is gay, surely

He might be getting a thrill by looking at transvestites getting it on with other men, he may be planning to hook up with transvestites himself for sex, he may be looking into the "lifestyle" for himself, he may just be very very curious and confused

but it doesn't mean he is gay

FWIW the majority of transvestites are heterosexual.

Only you know what your gut feeling is, go with that. People can get signed up for sites without the knowing about it, a few months back my 18 yr old dss was signed up to a dating site and money taken from his account. He had to go to the bank to stop his card and report fraudulent use. He has no idea how they got his details.

OP - is your dh a member of LinkedIn?

Quint is there an issue with LinkedIn?

There was a security breach back in June, they leaked 6.5 million passwords worldwide after the site was hacked - pretty bad security.

The danger was that along with the leaked passwords, were peoples real profiles with names, email addresses, place of work, etc. LinkedIn being a social network for professionals. this blog gives an easy to understand overview

Point is, LinkedIn issued a statement urging all their members to change their passwords, not just to LinkedIn, but other sites as well. They said the majority of users used the same password across everything, so potentially by getting the LinkedIn passwords, matched up with email address, and real names, people could have their other accounts hacked, etc.

TrannyDate seems to be a porn site thinly veiled as a dating site. I doubt if anybody has met anybody else as a result of that site. Even with the better tranny dating sites very few men will actually meet any of the women on there. No photo would mean he had even less chance of meeting somebody than normal.
He might be curious about trannys because he's trying to find something that turns him on.