DH has joined a transvestite dating site (long, sorry)

[StunnedandAngry]

I'm in shock. I think my changed username says it all, tbh. If this turns out to be a marriage-breaker I will repost in my RL NN as quite frankly I don't care who knows what the fucker's done to us.

DD's school does everything by emailun, they had sent a form out on Friday to be handed in today - my laptop isn't connected to the printer so I logged on to DH's pc this morning (as myself) to retrieve the email and print the attachment - I only had weekend emails on my webmail (I can't get outlook on his pc) so I then logged on as him (we know each other's passwords, trust has never been an issue) and went into his Outlook to get the school email.

The form was there and just beneath it were 2 emails, one welcoming him as a registered user to TrannyDates and another from them urging him to get a full membership so he can contact 'hot girls' directly.

I took DD to school (trying not to cry) and then went home and followed the link to his profile there. It's him. No photo, he's changed some details (exact location, dob - the fucker's made himself 8 years younger!) but the username he's given himself is one he uses on just about every site he goes on (up til today I thought that was Share dealing and Facebook) so I know it's him.

He's registered as being interested in erotic chat/email, discreet relationships and 1 on 1 sex. For Marital Status he has checked "Prefer not to say"

He doesn't have the full membership (I believe you have to pay for that) but the fact he's even registered has appalled me. Still trying not to cry.

I just can't believe it. What is upsetting and pissing me off even more is that we haven't has sex for 2 years - because HE hasn't wanted it! He is VERY overweight (another lie on his profile, says he's 'average') and tells me he feels depressed and undesirable - when I've tried to initiate sex (I've always had a higher sex drive than him throughout our TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD MARRIAGE) he's either put me off or been unable to sustain anything. I've been unpushy and understanding but quite frankly there have been times when I've fantasized about going out and getting a fuck buddy (only I wouldn't, because I love him). I've read that 'sexless relationships' thread many times and wondered if I should be on it...

And the real pisser? I may well be outing myself despite the namechange here, but I've just been made redundant and am a sahm - for the first time in my life, financially dependant upon the bastard (we put the redundancy payment - 2 years' wages - against the mortgage). He wanted me to do this. Tbh, I wanted to do this, I want to be there for DD (she has mild learning difficulties and needs support), to go back to college and retrain, but now I don't know what to do. I'm a 46 year old woman with childcare commitments, no qualifications beyond o'levels and work experience of only 1 organisation, how the fuck am I going to support myself now?

I don't know what to do. I'm utterly shellshocked and can barely see the screen now for crying. I want to drive over to his office and murder the bastard.

Also found out on looking further in his email that he opened a gmail account with a different password (he has the same password for everything usually) so I have no idea what else he's been doing. I trusted this man. He's often working late/away and I trusted and believed him. Fuck knows what he was actually doing. I feel like our marriage is a complete and utter sham.

What do I do now?

Hey Stunned

No real advice but just wanted to say I know what you are going through. Posted a couple of weeks ago after finding out my partner was registered on a gay hook up site. He denied it was anything other than curiostiy but a week later I found out he had met a guy twice.

I can't get over it at all or how I didnt know.

I think it is possible to come back from something like this but it depends on absolute honestly - from him as to what he wants and is prepared to do. I've had some advice from a male bicurious forum which has helped me understand in a way. Sadly so many people seem to try to explain this stuff away as being curious especially when it makes them ashamed.

Happy to chat if you want!

I am so sorry you are going through this. No words can cover what you must be feeling right now.

On a practical note, one priority is your financial security. Not today, but when you feel you can do try and find out if you can 'drawdown' your recent overpayment of your mortgage - possible if its an 'overpayment' on a flexible mortage. Also, would you be able to withdraw back that 10k from the joint account? No need to actually do it yet, just knowing you could will help you to feel more in control and that you do have some funds of your own. It would also be of practical help of course. You don't have to tell him anything.

You are in shock, no matter what you feel right now none of this is your fault.

Thank you all so much for your support, it means so much. However...

I called a friend and snivelled all over her. Following some of the advice on here and from her, I packed a bag for him (didn't want him in the house if it was what it appeared to be) and emailed him to come home as soon as he could, having arranged for DD to be elsewhere.

He actually came home half an hour ago for lunch. If he's acting, he deserves an Oscar. He says he didn't do it, it wasn't him that set the profile up. He is devastated that someone somewhere has got his email address and knows his sharedealing NN and thinks someone is playing a (hideous) practical joke on him. He has contacted the dealing forum and let the owners know he thinks he's been hacked. He deleted the Tranny account in front of me (which took a while as it didn't have his 'password-for-everything' and he had to mail them to reset it first). He also apologised profusely for the morning I'd spent in tears and begged me to believe him. He showed me his browsing history for the weekend (when the email arrived) and there was no sign of that site (I know he could have deleted it but I had to show him how to find his history). He also showed me all his FB, email and other stuff. He was horrified that this had been done in his name. He was also slightly miffed that they'd made him 5'8 in the profile (he's 6ft).

So... I think I believe him. He said he loved me and apologised again for the last 2 years of no sex, said he knew he had a problem there, I asked if we could get some counselling on that and he agreed.

Thank you all so much for being there for me, you helped enormously.

I've never heard of someone doing this to someone so I can't help but be a little but at the same time it was so out of the blue and out of character for him to have joined such a site (if it had been spankers anonymous then he'd have no such excuse) - if he is acting/living a lie/in denial then it's a bloody good act/cover up.

Gah. I don't want to be that suspicious wife person who doesn't trust, but aargh, this has knocked me for six. If I didn't have to go and do the weekly shop I'd have me a large gin...

Okaaay. Perhaps he's telling the truth. However, who on earth would play a practical joke like that? And what would they gain from it (i.e. what bit of it would be funny, it would have been a secret if you hadn't gone digging about)?

I'm not saying it couldn't happen, I'd just want to know who and why, because there's a much more obvious explanation staring you in the face.

It is true that accounts can be hacked, like Yahoo and Hotmail, I'm not sure why someone would hack your husband's account on a dealing forum and set up a new one on a tranny contact website.

Having said that, if he only just got the mails (i.e. in the last day) his story does have more plausibiilty, as does not lying about height! Also he clearly doesn't have full membership and there's no photo.

I don't know, I guess you have to go off your instinct and whether you think he lies when cornered.

Stunned not sure what to say

Of course there is a chance it wasn't him - but really? Who would do that? And the vanity aspect (not overweight/ten years younger)?? If it was a cruel hoax, the weight and age would be the same. And if you were going to play a practical 'joke' on someone, it would only work as a joke if you were there to witness the 'punchline' - this seems pointless in that respect.

I want to believe it, as it's clear that you do, but I just don't. I think he is more 'online astute' than he would have you believe as well. And if he does have leanings in that direction it does begin explain some of the problems with your sex life (or lack of).

Not sure where you go from here and of course, I may be wrong

I also think the fact that he showed you everything Facebook, email and his browsing history immediately and there was no sign of anything is a positive sign, he wouldn't have had time at work this am to wipe anything, so his claim this is the first he has heard of it is reasonably plausible.

How horrible for you/him. Whichever way, it has caused massive upset and dischord.

what is his explanation for the new gmail account with the different password?

that's why I wouldn't have spoken to him.

If you've been around 'Dating Site' infidelity threads on enough forums, the No. 1 reason people give when they get caught is that it wasn't them, it was a friend/prankster/scammer. Whereas in real life, no-one has ever heard of anyone who has played such a cruel trick on someone.

If he's seriously putting this forward, make investigations with the site. They'll be able to trace the ISP of the person who made the profile and joined the site. They'll also have other security measures to detect fraudsters and trolls.

I think this will be a waste of time though. With the other info you've given about the lack of sex and the hidden email account, it really doesn't add up.

I suppose Beth that's because that is the ONLY possible excuse where you are entirely blameless. And in a moment of panic, you go for the lie that completely absolves you (rather than a more believable 'it was a moment of madness' type thing).

I struggle to believe that anyone would do this to someone else as a joke/prank. There is nothing funny about it and even a spiteful twat would not get any satisfaction out of the fall out which is private and not remotely amusing.

It makes no sense.

OP please don't accept this well turned out excuse at face value. It may be true, but sadly, does warrant further investigation.

He showed me the gmail account - he has precisely 4 emails on it, and opened it to get to sign onto a different site (a music site, he showed me). He also told me the password - it was different because his 'everything' password is only 6 digits long so he added a different word at the start of it. I now know it and can look at it whenever.

I don't know. I was really, really shaken this morning. I think I'm still in shock. I want to believe him, I want to crawl back into my cosy bubble of 'before'. I agree that it sounds like a ridiculous, malicious thing to do to someone and I told him I found that hard to believe. He agrees that it's exactly what he'd say as a cover up but it is a catch 22 situation, isn't it?

Good point about the site and the ISP trace. I will pursue that with him, because if it is by any chance the truth then he will need to delete his account with that dealing site, so I will tell him I'm concerned about the PC security.

Actually, his first action was to log onto the bank account and make sure that nothing had gone missing (because yes, the silly fecker uses that email address and password for his access to our bank account too - had a go about that!) so I'm... oh fuck, I don't know. I don't know what to believe. :(

About a year ago I received an email from an American internet porn site, thanking me for my subscription and offering to 'upgrade' my membership.

It turned out one of my debit cards had been used fraudulently - it was for a bank account i was winding down, hadn't actually used for over a month and hadn't been checking my online statement. When I did there were over 20 fraudulent transactions there. I contacted the porn site and they accepted it was a fraud, ditto the bank thankfully. So it can happen - OP, might be worth your DH investigating further to ensure this was a one-off.

Against the Mumsnet spirit......I don't believe him.
Oldest/crappest excuse in the book.
Why the private browsing?
People don't do this sort of thing to others because there is no point. It doesn't actually happen.........unless maybe he is 15 or from the inbetweeners.
Sorry OP, but I'd get him the Oscar.

I'm sorry but he's lying.

If he was affectionate with you and sexually interested I might believe him, but the fact he's been withholding sex for 2years makes me think he probably is gay/bi

Hi stunned

I bet you are feeling pretty shaky and crap right now..

My thoughts are this, people do do stuff like this such as using peoples profiles for illegal reasons, stupid reasons like that web site etc.

Also you did say that you have searched every where else on there and thats the only thing that remotely stands out as dodgey.

So if he is telling the truth, and lets face it he came home and answered all your questions fast in depth and showed you everything, for now you can only go with what you can see in front of your face.

My other point is, and this is the positive in this scenario, is it has promoted talks about what is currently going on in your relationship that needs attention, example sex life etc. I would say once you have managed to draw breath and calm down a little, because you are in shock and the adrenalin will be running through you righ now, I would resume talks with him, about his diet the intimacy side of things and the counselling.

Also aside from the original context of your post, when I was reading how and what you wrote, I maybe be wrong but it seemed at one point you might have resentments of him being at work and your not be able to provide as well, and I wonder if he is sensing this and feeds in to his own feelings and inadeqences?

I hope you get the answers you need, and that this was an honest mistake and someone is playing silly buggers.

Or, generated by an email account. I have been receiving offers of hot dates recently :) from a well-known dating site, which have my name, location and the right age for me. It's a long story, but I do believe these were generated and linked to my account, I then went to the site looking for a name similar to one I recognised, and I managed to 'register' myself even though I didn't pay anything or say I wanted to be on it! I then started receiving daily offers of men in my area! Luckily my husband is not of the suspicious nature, and did believe my convoluted explanation of exactly why I ended up 'registered'.

The options are a) he is lying and it was him b) it was someone else he knows c) it was randomly generated to take people to this site, using information in the public domain (if he uses this username as his email/other sites, this is quite likely, as is the fact they described him as average and 5' 8'' as this is standardized).

In the absence of further info, all you can do is be on your guard. The fact that he's happy to open everything and show you is a positive sign. The fact you haven't had sex for two years is a real negative and need addressing.

OP, I hope you are right, but this is exactly what happened to me and it took me five and a half more years to get to the bottom of it (young girls, not tranny). He was 45-50 at the time.

I have had the following, to name a few:

-empty gmail account i didnt know about, then excused as 'set up for a conference and forgotten about.'

• other types of accounts denied and weeks of nonsense involving him writing indignant letters eg to myspace, in front of me demanding to know how they got his name, followed by 'they never replied'

• photos of naked young women on his computer, apparently 'downloaded accidentally with music from torrent sites, followed by a pretend explanation from his 'mate Jim in IT at work' explaining how that sometimes happens

• when mn helped me to see that this wasnt possible since they were in his 'received files', he set up a ghost file and called it 'received', and downloaded music and dated news into it.

I am afraid that, given my experience, and given that there was no sex for two years prior to this, I think he is lying. I really know how torn you must feel here- we didnt have sex for most of the prior 18 months either, because he didnt want to, and not alot before that, which was increasingly blamed on me. I could have killed him to that, too, and had got to the point of suggesting an open relationship, which he had firmly refused!

If you decide to believe him, you are now in the land of living with suspicion once you get over the shock of the current episode. It never quite goes away. And then years of cat and mouse, trying to catch him out, with him being increasingly careful.

I think even if you feel he is truthful, this is your ONE chance to get the story out of him, so in your shoes I would hang in there for a few more days and call him a bullshitter anyway. I did that in the end, and had to effectively start divorce proceedings, and then i got the truth, finally.

for FYI - private browsing is a part of all new browser - not something you can opt to download

Actually..... I do kind of believe him.

About 6 months ago I got an urgent phone call from my credit card company. They wanted to check whether I'd used the card the previous day. When I said no they told me it had been used to register an account with a site they were concerned about and asked my permission to cancel the card and send me a new one.

When I asked them how much had been used they told me no payment had been made, apparently what some fraudsters do is use the card to register with a site.... if it goes unnoticed then large payments are taken.

I don't know the in and outs of how these scammers perpetrate these schemes but is there any chance it could be that?

My first instinct reading your OP, before reading any of the replies, was that this was probably some kind of set up. It's not inconceivable that a colleague or a 'friend' might do this as a "laugh" (Clearly it's not funny but there are idiots out there who do stuff like this), or even someone with a more harmful/nasty intent towards your DP.

One reason I think this is if he uses the same username all over the WWW I'm very surprised he would use the same name for something he wanted to keep secret/private. If I was up to something nasty/secretive/disceptive I wouldn't be calling myself "HipHop" for example.

If he did set up the account, why would he use his usual name (public knowledge) but a different password (not public knowledge)? Surely it would make more sense to use a different username name and the same password? Again makes me think someone else set the account up - and they wouldn't know his 'usual' password.

I think the height thing is a giveaway too - I'd believe he might lose a few pounds of weight, but no man I know would EVER represent himself as being shorter than he actually is.

"The form was there and just beneath it were 2 emails, one welcoming him as a registered user to TrannyDates and another from them urging him to get a full membership" - so the school email was sent on Friday & the Tranny welcome emails arrived AFTER the school email. Can you possibly think back to when where you all were at the time the account was set up? usually the auto emails are sent out as and when you are setting things up aren't they?

Also the 'tranny' connection - makes me think it's some kind of idiot who thinks taking the piss out of your OP, along with 'trannies', is doubly hilarious (or harmful).

I do hope that this is the case - and although its been a huge trauma for you, perhaps you'll now move forward with some of the issues between you, with agreeing to counselling etc.

That's a good point actually. Gmail usually has an exact time on emails, can you check and see when it was sent. Those things usually apear in your inbox the second you hit 'register' so if you know he wasn't at his laptop when it was sent.....

This all sounds awful OP. I can quite understand how traumatic. I don't want to go too left field but is this some kind of cyber bullying of your H? I don't want to be too credulous and accept that PPs have had similar situation which haven't ended well, but I just opened FB on our home pc this morning to find my husband being offered a hot dating site. I was a bit then found it was an automatic link from that silly 'what profession should you have been thing'. While this sounds far-fetched, the more I think of it, the more unpleasant but possible it seems. I agree with the PP who said good that he'd come straight home and shown you everything.

I really wish you well.

Is he pursuing an official complaint ? Push him to do that. What has apparently happened to him is illegal and someone should be prosecuted for it.

If he seems reluctant, you might have to ask yourself why that might be

I am sorry, I don't believe him. I would not let this go, in your shoes.

There's still a problem here which is that, largely because of a two year dry spell, you thought him dating trannies was a credible possibility. You're still not 100% convinced by his explanation which indicates a lack of trust. Whether he is telling the truth or not, therefore, I think you need to use this 'practical joke' as a springboard for some serious and honest discussion. Get something positive out of it.

I don't believe the excuse either, I don't believe the coming straight home is an indicator of innocence either - could be guilt and confidence in his previously tried and tested approach. I would be looking on other sites to see if he had other profiles tbh.