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Original poster

Please recommend an anger management book for my DH

52 replies

reastie · 16/09/2012 16:48

He has finally admitted he has anger issues, and, has asked me to buy him a book on anger management and strategies he can try to help combat this. Believe me, this is a big step for him! Could someone point me in the direction of a good one, preferably available from amazon, I've had a look but no idea what to go for.

OP posts:
Xales · 16/09/2012 16:50

He has an anger issue problem but you have to do the run around for him to combat this?

It may be good that he admits it however if he can't be naffed to do the ground work in sorting himself out what good are you going to be able to do?

I would suggest he heads for his doctor or some official place for help not amazon and a book.

Xales · 16/09/2012 16:51

Sorry that reads back harsher than I meant.

Just if he fails it will be your fault for getting the wrong book Sad

Original poster
reastie · 16/09/2012 16:56

xales should have made that clear - he offered to choose one but I offered to do it. He asked me to do it quickly Grin . He's not violent or angry all the time, but he struggles to deal with stress and gets angry. We discussed together maybe if he reads a book on anger management he can try the techniques to help him better. If this doesn't work it will be GP, but I think he'd like to try self help and I'm happy supporting him on the basis this is the first time he has admitted he has a problem and is willing to try to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
reastie · 16/09/2012 16:57

I've just found 'anger management for dummies' - wonder if this is good?? Looks practical as opposed to too analytical psychobable-ish

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 16/09/2012 16:58

Just one question: is his anger directed at everyone (workmates, friends, strangers who brush past him in the street) or is it only directed at you?

If it;s the latter, then his problem is not anger management. It's the idea that you are his property and he's entitled to punish and control you with aggression.

Original poster
reastie · 16/09/2012 17:02

It's not at me, he knows it upsets me and asks me to not be around when he gets angry as he knows I get upset by it. It's at whatever he is getting angry about which he directs his anger (so this afternoon he couldn't find what he wanted in the loft so he threw boxes everywhere aggressively, swore and shouted a bit and broke his headtorch in anger. None of it was at or near me. He just can't deal with things in any way other than anger. He doesn't control or punish me. He just needs to learn strategies for how to cope when he feels angry as he's known nothing else.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2012 17:26

reastie

You wrote about your H back in April of this year; nothing has changed and you are still taking responsibility for his actions here. You are his codependent in an unhealthy way. Breaking possessions is seen as domestic violence and you are minimising and excusing his actions yet again. He has trained you well hasn't he?.:(

He does not need an anger management book.

You need to get away from this man before he utterly destroys you and by turn your child.

What do you want to teach your child/children about relationships here?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2012 17:30

I wrote this to you reastie back in April as well:-

"Using foul language more often in conversation to emphasise a point is not abusive even though the OP has asked him not to use such language as it upsets her?. Has he listened to her on this matter, no and he continues to use such language. At the very least he is showing complete disregard for your feelings reastie and you ignore this or minimise it at further risk to your emotional health and wellbeing.

He keeps upsetting you and you keep minimising it out of denial (a pwerful force this) and a false sense of shame i.e you thinking its all your fault he is like this. You also write that your PILs relationship is not totally dissimilar; your H learnt a lot of damaging crap from them as well.

Its not so much about anger management either as he can control his aggression and language around others. Reastie and by turn her child is getting the full force of his ill treatment now and it will not stop just because she talks to him more. She has tried talking to him and he does not listen because he does not care.

Why is he doing this, well because he can.

You have yourself said reastie that you do not want your DD growing up thinking this is okay. So why is it ok for you, your child is learning from the two of you about relationships and both of you are imparting damaging lessons to her"

SirSugar · 16/09/2012 17:45

He asks you not to be around when he has one of his outbursts Hmm

He asks you to find him a book Hmm

Why are you running about after him? He knows full well what hes doing and shifting responsibility onto you.

I read thread upon thread here by women who pussyfoot around entitled selfish men. God knows I did it with an abusive bastard, however he passed away and freed me forever and I would never ever walk that road again. With hindsight, not that it matters now, I should have walked. I'm not bitter about men I live with an intelligent, reasonable, delightful DP now which makes me realise I should never have put up with what I did.

How fucking dare your DH behave in such a rude and entitled manner, throwing tantrums like a child and then asking you to help sort it out - it makes my blood boil that any woman should stand by and accept this and think its all fine if she helps him.

Don't put up with this unexcusable shite, you are worth far more than that

Original poster
reastie · 16/09/2012 18:20

I thank you for your comments now and in the past. I know DH shouldn't behave like this. He knows it's not on. We are trying to work on this - surely this is a positive thing. He has grown up thinking this is acceptable and he's only just beginning to realise it's really not and it's not just me making a fuss over nothing - he hasn't before accepted he has a problem - surely acceptance is the first step to dealing with it. We have made progress!

I've been looking on amazon for books - alot of them seem to be aimed at aggressive personalities or people who cannot control their anger continually several times a day. DH has outbursts any time from a couple of times a week to a couple of times a month so I'm worried he may not apply himself and his problem to these books if he thinks he isn't like the models they suggest. This is one reason why I'd like to choose a book for him rather than him - so I can try to make sure it has relevance to him and his issues. If you think there would be more ownership for him to choose one himself and he would be more likely to succeed please tell me and I will get him to do it.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 16/09/2012 18:26

HE has to work on it, not WE......You are talking in soundbytes about 'ownership' of his 'anger issues' blah blah blah

HE is a rude, disrespectful individual. Grow a pair and kick ass, you don't have to put up with this crap; and crap is what it is.

lunareef · 16/09/2012 18:36

I haven't read the historical posts that have been mentioned BUT from what you say....yes the fact that he has accepted anger management is great. Maybe not by book though. It sounds like there are some deep rooted feelings that may only be discovered by councilling sessions (with or without you). You shouldn't have to find the book for him, perhaps either together or on his own the right book should be found. Good luck

Original poster
reastie · 16/09/2012 18:49

Thanks. I'll ask him to choose one himself today. I should have said that in the beginning when he offered to do it maybe I'm too much of a control freak

OP posts:
HissyByName · 16/09/2012 22:47

The only book I'll recommend to you is

WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Lundy Bancroft

Read it!

BethFairbright · 16/09/2012 22:58

I wonder is there a book called 'Rescuing for Dummies'?

Because that's what you are, you know. A Rescuer.

cestlavielife · 16/09/2012 23:47

Gp and face to face proper therapy for him.
None of this buy me a book lark.

Buying a self help book is not facing up to it is it ?

Just buys more time.

Let him see a therapist and let them recommend a book to him based o his background family issues etcetc . Saying he will read a book is a cop out.
And why doesn't he take himself put of the way when he angry ? Go kick a lamp post ? He prefers to let you hear it .

AnyFucker · 16/09/2012 23:51

He wants you to find an Anger Management book for him, and he wants it done quick ?

Says it all, really Sad

HissyByName · 17/09/2012 07:31

Tell the supposed man to call Respect (numberon link above this thread)

You need to call WA.

Don't fall for this BS, he'll only get worse, and you'll be blamed.

If he wants to stop, he can. Today. Now.

If he were serious, he'd be getting his own book, he'd be taking full responsibility for this.

You do realise that whatever book you get, will be the wrong book, and he'll be blaming and punishing YOU for it.

Save your child from this poisonous upbringing, save yourself from this nightmare.

Please read the Lundy book i recommended for you before, it explains the whole dynamic of what he's doing and why. That book will show you that none of any of this is your fault love.

ToothbrushThief · 17/09/2012 07:36

Reastie - I had a similar situation - I found a book which helped me because I was making the situation worse. I'd really advise you working with him on this by buying this book here

Chandon · 17/09/2012 07:47

agree with sirsugar.

what is all this "we are trying to work on this"?! why are you co responsible for his bad behaviour?

you're in so deep, you can't even see it.

your DH is acting like a child.

Original poster
reastie · 17/09/2012 08:02

I don't blame myself. I think you must see me in a situation worse than it is. DH is not an aggressive domineering alpha type personality, if anything I'm more controlling than him as I'm a bit of a control freak (but not in an aggressive way, in an organised way). He doesn't have these outbursts near or in front of me on purpose to try to scare or control me. If anything, he tries to remove himself from being near me. He never breaks my things. He does it as it's just the only way he knows how to cope with stress and he has been bought up to believe this is acceptable. I'm not saying that makes it right or I'm accepting it by saying that.

I think deep down maybe I know a book isn't going to change our lives, but I see it as the start of him accepting and trying to change his problem. If it doesn't work I will press for something more. I've started keeping a diary of when he loses his temper (haven't told him this) so that I can show him documented proof of when it happens - it might make him face up if he hasn't after trying things in this book he chose. The more I think about it the more I realise this is not an acceptable way to behave - this board in general has really helped in this way show me this and has given me the strength to confront DH a number of times and push for him to realise he has a problem.

I know some of you have said if the book doesn't work he will blame me - he's really not like that and wouldn't do that. IME if the book doesn't work it will be because he goes back to denial.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/09/2012 08:45

OK my cod analysis of this set-up is that, on the one hand, we have you - highly organised and in control - and him - very disorganised and erratic. To use your example, if you stored things in a loft I'm guessing you'd be able to find it again because it would be neat and tidy, so what is your strength highlights his weakness. An intelligent, articulate man would ask you to organise the loft contents.... win-win... not have a tantrum, break things and make the place more untidy than ever.

I don't think he needs a book, therefore. He simply needs to understand his own limitations and then articulate the problem calmly. Summed up as 'count to ten and ask for help'

BethFairbright · 17/09/2012 08:59

I'm sorry, but if he doesn't break things in temper at work or in social situations, then he does know how to control his anger.

You say your control freakery is about good organisational skills, but I think it extends to wanting to 'fix' him which is why you offered to choose and buy a book and you're now micro-managing the situation by keeping a diary of his outbursts. If he's serious about changing, he should be keeping a diary of his outbursts, so that he learns what are his triggers.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/09/2012 09:05

The only books you should be buying are for yourself

If he sincerely wants to change, it can only come from him if it is to have any impact. Leave him to it.

For yourself, you may be interested in this or this.

(PS I also bought anger management books for my "disorganised" and "repentent" exH with "anger management" issues. They remained unread, he remained the same. Until I got a clue that I could only change myself.)

Good luck.

Squeegle · 17/09/2012 09:05

reastie, I do get where you're coming from.
You're obviously a generous, kind person.

But from an outside perspective I'm sorry to say you have to let him deal with it.

If he can't/ won't, then you need to be firm about what kind of behaviour is acceptable to YOU. Your needs are as important as his you know.

Reminds me of my EA XP, when we finally agreed he was leaving, he asked me to find somewhere for him to go !?!? Then sulked when I wouldn't!

Basically that said it all about what was wrong with our relationship,