Please recommend an anger management book for my DH

[reastie]

He has finally admitted he has anger issues, and, has asked me to buy him a book on anger management and strategies he can try to help combat this. Believe me, this is a big step for him! Could someone point me in the direction of a good one, preferably available from amazon, I've had a look but no idea what to go for.

I agree with the others. His anger is not your issue. You are not the one to help him deal with it, he must do that on his own.

Does he throw things around and break stuff at work? At his mum's house? While with friends?

I'll bet my last tenner the answer is no.

Why? Because he can control his anger perfectly well. It's just that when he's with you he doesn't think he has to.
And now that you are helping to take ownership of the problem, he'll assume that you 'understand' - and when you understand, you'll be expected to put up with it.

If you do, that's your fault.

agree with the people who ask if he is able to control his anger at other places...I think that is a good question

My ex used to have that type of reaction when frustrated.
Eventually he did turn it against me.

Ex was also "not an aggressive domineering alpha type personality". On the contrary, he was shy and anxious.

Just for you to think about.

OK, I've been reading all your comments and looking at all the books recommended. I don't know if I'm in denial or just not applicable to all the books recommended but most of them don't seem to quite be appropriate for how I feel my situation is. I don't feel like I'm being controlled in every aspect of my life by DH, I don't feel like I love him too much, I don't feel like I'm a massive co-dependent either (although I recognise I must have aspects of different things).

Re: me being a control freak and DH not - we are an odd mix - he is anal about some things and I am about others. He does the loft and he has it well organised (which is probably why he got annoyed at not finding something - because it wasn't where his mental 'system' said it should be). I acknowledge that I am an unconfident person who has always had self esteem issues - I like to have praise from people to help me feel good about myself (I know that's my issue and I should look to myself not others for this) and I'm frightened of people challenging things I have done as being bad. I also have big issues with a phobia which means it does impact on things I do on a daily basis and encourage trying to control everything I can (which DH always uses as an excuse for why I'm not so perfect when I mention his issue - I didn't accept that this time - I know I have a problem, I've seen various therapists and desperately want to change - this is different to his outlook). DH and I have both only ever been in a relationship with each other. He has no friends. He works for himself and has a couple of employees. I have no idea if he loses his temper with them - I can but assume and expect not but I couldn't say for sure. I assume he has lost his temper with his parents, but I haven't seen him do it, but then, there's never been an occasion for him to get angry about something. I know he must have some control over it as I recall an incident a few years ago where my Dad annoyed him (have no idea why) so much he said he had to walk away from him before he got too annoyed. So I guess he must have some control but still not be able to deal with his emotions.

I probably react to it all wrong. I used to keep away and cry. Now I tend to tell him he's being angry or aggressive after I've felt upset and it's not on. Sometimes I even try to provoke him when he's already in a mood as I know I'll get a reaction. I don't know the best way to behave or deal with it at the time.

There is obviously alot more to my situation than this post. squeegle I must admit I sometimes worry about that.

there, I said far more than I intended

He has no friends.

Also not a good sign.

I'm of the opinion that any relationship requires effort, some require a lot of it. Only you can be the judge of the health and quality of your relationship with your H. Don't let posters who don't know anything about you except a few sentences on MN be the judge of that. With your OP I had the impression that you were happy your DH admitted to having a problem. Like you, I think it is the first step to the long winded road of recovery or change/improvement.
Like other posters though I also think that a self help book is merely an attempt to buy time. Also your micro management of your H is not helping, not him and not you.
If he takes that road to looking into his own issue then a therapist might be best (imho). I went to see a specialised therapist before giving birth to my DS as I had anger issues too (I bet the posters above would have told my DP to leave the bitch, as it seems to be the only solution on offer on this site). Working with a specially trained therapist helped me a great deal and I'm happy to say that after a year and a half I can control myself a lot better. it wasn't easy and I still have moments were bad reflexes come back but on avarage I manage my temper a lot better. So just wanted to say don't expect a quick turn around it might take it's time, but as you said the turning point is accepting that one needs help.

There are so many red flags in the way you describe both yourself and your DH.

Would you be willing to go to therapy to work on your low self-esteem, not just your phobia, and to use it as a professional sounding board to work out what your personal needs and limits are in a relationship?

I would hot but I don't think we have enough money to pay for therapy and I'm assuming the NHS won't help me (I had CBT last year for the phobia and it was so limited and restricted it didn't really do anything)

jolly it's very interesting what you say. Tbh I think when a number of people tell you your relationship is bad you start to think and reflect alot on it and wonder how good things really are. We don't have the perfect relationship, but then, everyone goes through good and bad patches and it's something I want to work through as opposed to give up on. I see this as a positive step for both of us. It's good to know you are making progress.

It's always worth asking your GP if s/he can refer you to counseling on the NHS. Long waiting lists, of course, but better than nothing.

I still think you could do worse than read the books linked upthread, but if you don't think they apply to you, then you don't think they apply to you.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

My therapist had a pay scale the more your earned the more you paid and started at £20 an hour's session... There may be similar ones next to you. Don't let the cost put you off, and good luck to you!

Interesting point, Jolly.

And you are right, to a point.

But it also depends on the levels of anger.

I can get angry as a reflex and shout or even bang a door or throw something (although that requires enormous amounts of stress - and I think it only happened with twat ex!).
Thrashing things in an attic to the point of breaking a torch seems ott, though.
Not finding something is hardly something to get upset at and usually works better to keep a level head and a good think about where they might be or to use a systematic search.

But the proof is in the pudding. By all means get a book, but he better read it and start working on himself properly.

Frustration works in mysterious ways Lueji!!
What tips you over is different to what makes me tip over, who's to say what is ott and what is normal?
I go balistic when I can't find my keys before leaving the house... and DP finds it madening that I work myself into such a state. As mentioned it's not often but it has happened in the last year.
My behaviour is learned from my DM who gets exhuberant about everything and is slightly hysterical about everything. GHer first reaciton is always shouting. How do you know that OP's DH hasn't learned his "bad" behaviour from one of his parents? If he is willing to work on it he suffers from it and he realises it's "wrong". That's a good start in my book...

jolly he has learnt this behaviour from his father for sure (although I've never seen one of FIls outbursts, it's just what I can gauge from when DH tells me). I think this is why he doesn't see it as wrong - it has been accepted as normal by his DM and Dfather for his entire life. It's only now I'm challenging him he's starting to think about it and it's taken him a long time to realise and accept it's not great.

If you have DC with him... guess what will happen....

Unless HE takes responsibility for his 'anger' and stops it.

You can't do this for him, anymore than he could for his father.

This is his journey, every single step of it. You can support him, but you can't lead him.

Hissy, I can very much relate to OP's DH I have / had similar anger issues and I have a DC and I have found a way to take back control by going through a therapy to address that problem specifically. Like OP's DH I have learned this behaviour from a parent and bizarrely, as much as I suffered from it, hated the shouting and slapping and all the things that come with anger and frustration not properly curtailed I have found a way to preserve DS (so far) try and change my ways with DP. I'm trying very hard every single day....
People are only human, no one is perfect. If he's willing to ackowledge there's problem and work on it, give him a chance. Not all rlaltionships should be binned as soon as one is not performing as expected. Does nobody work on relationships any longer? or rather is everyone married to someone abslutely perfect?
What troubles me on this sight is that very often you only see one side of the argument (DH is horrible, depressed, angry etc...) when there are two sides to every story! The person writing the OP usually forgets to include her own personality (traits or disorders) and faults (yes even women have faults as shocking as this may sound). I thought OP here was very honest about her own issues. Being mirco managed by someone else is not nice, and I for sure would hate someone writing down my excesses or failures behind my back. I'm not proud of loosing my temper because i can't find my phone when I'm about to rush to work but someone taking notes would make me even madder. And yes I know that getting upset about it is not going to help me locate the damn thing but neithe ris taking notes of my behaviour.
if someone ackowledges he has an issue he'd like to work on to improve, that is worth fighting for. I don't understand this constant battering of leave him, he's a not good, Imean, how do you know? What exactly do you know of that man that enables you give that advice? there is so much prejudice on this sight, one would have thought people would be more careful before advocating destroying a relationship because of preocnceived ideas of what the issue is.

Funny that, I thought that the usualy suspects advocating for leaving the bastard would comment on the above...

sorry meant to say usual suspects (my writing is deplorable!)

Ahem, if OP is the one charged with locating the cure-all book, how exactly is he like you Jolly? YOU took and ARE taking responsibility for your actions. This bloke is seemingly leaving it ALL to the OP and actually it's not her problem, only the fallout from his anger is. You are fighting his corner without knowing him either, but he's not you, he's not taking this subject on, as you have. So you can't speak for him.

No-one EVER wants to leave their partner, no matter how much of a Bastard he, or indeed she, is, it's natural to want to make thing work, and we all owe it to ourselves to know we tried.

Even if, devils advocate here, he's NOT got an anger problem, merely pissed off with OP managing his inward and outward breathing, THAT'S not healthy EITHER!

Be aware though that we ALL have a right to be treated with respect, so those that make the leap into taking control of our behaviour should indeed be given the opportunity to change but if they ultimately fail to do so, the damage their inability to treat others in an appropriate manner should result in them being left behind.

A shouty, angry parent harms their child, and the esteem/confidence of their partner. Why on earth should anyone put up with that? No-one is worth that.

Because OP wasn't charged she offered to because she likes to control things as she said in her later threads....

You see, you jumped to conclusions...
And I was a shouty partner so thanks for telling me without even knowing me or my DP that I'm not worthy of a relationship.(NO-One is worth that - what a broad generalisation)
MIL never shouted but she still managed to break DP's self esteem and self confidence. In the Latin culture, shouting is quite acceptable (for example if someone is on another part of the house or upstairs) or even having loud arguments in public, in Italy, Spain, or even France, no one will call the police, people sometimes shout at each other. I managed to get a standing ovation when I argued in Mexico in public with my ex-boyfriend and we were about to rip each other's head off. People were clapping!
Tolerance for this varies from culture to culture, what is seen as deeply wrong here can be "accetapble" in another culture, who's to say who's right and who's wrong? Like who's to say what is OTT or normal...

I'm not jumping to conclusions, my comments are balanced, my views with an eye on both sides.

Just because people shout in a culture doesn't mean it's a good thing.

Let's face it, the countries you mention are hardly known as civil/equal societies, are they?

I've lived in many Mediterranean and Latin countries, so know at first hand of the culture of which you speak.

I stand by my remark, a shouty, agressive, angry parent IS damaging to live with, if they don't change, no, they are NOT worth staying with.

Hard facts, but facts that someone who takes responsibility for their anger management needs to fully comprehend.

Passion, expression is one thing, strops, tantrums and smashing thing up another. It's THIS we are discussing.

Now kindly accept this as the mere discussion that it is, calm down and stop trying to goad and taunt others who have a different perspective to yours.

anger and agression has no part in a healthy relationship, it must be controlled, managed and be taken responsibility for, by the perpetrato or it and they are best avoided.

I live in a Latin country and it's still considered bad form to shout too much and to have shouting matches.

And talking loudly it's different from aggressive shouting.

JJ the reason you didn't get an avalanche of replies to your message from the "usual suspects" is because it was quite clearly of a goading nature, and believe it or not most posters on here are not up for an argument with an angry and judgemental respondent

(much like the OP's dilemma)

remember the OP ? That lady who feels she can no longer comment on her own thread ?