I have taken my wedding ring off.

[Ormiriathomimus]

Not about making him feel bad, not about revenge, just about simple facts. We promised to be faithful to each other when we got wed. When he told another woman he loved her he broke the promise. Our marriage ended. It's quite a releif TBH because i was having trouble reconciling the two facts:

1. He loves me, he wants to be with me, he is making huge efforts to make me feel loved, he is remorseful.
2. He loved her at the time and still does.

I am not going to make a song and dance about it - if anyone notices I will just say I lost it. If DH asks I will explain.

When he can honestly tell me that he can go a week or so without thinking of her, when he can see her at work and feel nothing but a faint wash of shame for what they did, when he doesn't care about her any more than any other colleague, then we will start a new marriage. Won't be married to a man who loves someone else.

Well done ditching a fake symbol. Hope you've ditched the cause of the problem as well. When you need time to think about your next move it doesn't help having someone around making 'huge efforts' and being 'remorseful' when you know it's as fake as the ring...

I took mine off too. I did feel very bare without it and he looked quite hurt when he glanced down at my hand. I hadn't taken it off since the day he put it on.
I still wear my other two rings though. I put them back on because I feel less open to unwanted advances

Good for you! Anyone can make a promise they don't think is important enough to keep.

Sounds like you're coming through 'the tunnel', Orm. I'm sorry for the way that you feel but I think it's necessary. I don't know if you'll ever get the recognition of the pain he's caused you - or the public demonstration that he's chosen his marriage, that you want. You can't know what thoughts he has, not really. You have to know it inside you, not him. From all that you've posted, I've read that he's 'toeing the line', following the 'I'm sorry script'. As I can only see what you post, do you think that might be what you think yourself deep down?

Removing your wedding ring is something that he might not even notice and that might hurt you further. It is such a statement - or it should be.

Do you have anything concrete in mind for getting yourselves back on track as a couple? At what point you will feel as you did before?

You say that you'll start a 'new marriage', but will it really feel that way without an ending of the old one? Would you marry him again?

In your position, I would be taking time out to consider my options and what I really wanted, following a period of panic and desperation to make things work.

You will be alright, Orm - however it goes, you are you and you have all that you need for a happy life - with or without your husband. Thinking of you.

He loved her at the time

What he felt for her was nothing more than infatuation, Orm. It was intense, it was all-consuming, and he made a right prat of himself by becoming the subject of gossip because of his mooning over a woman who's young enough to be his daughter.

and still does

What has lead you to the conclusion that his apparent remorse is fake and that he still lusts for loves her?

Why didn't she leave the school,Orm? Don't blame you for ditching the ring.

Hi - sorry for delay - have been busy screaming at DH!

I beleive that he has been honest with me. He told me right at the start that he loved her - because he knew that would be the biggest problem for me. While we are busy reconnecting and being loving I manage to forget that but as soon as he isn't with me or is too quiet I remember. And it hurts like hell. I turn into a raging fury. Not a good look for me He won't lie - he tries his hardest to avoid saying 'I still love her' because it makes me so unhappy, but he can't say he doesn't love her.

So...... I am not wearing my ring. Not been off my finger for nearly 20 years. I won't be wearing it again. It certainly struck home with him. He was distraught. But until he can come to me 'clean' and genuinely stop caring about her, we aren't married.

izzy - I don't know if it's love or infatuation but either way I want it gone. I don't deserve to have to share a man I have loved and supported for all those years.

Yes, to those who asked, he is utterly remorseful. He regrets even meeting her in the first place, he regrets not stopping it when he had the chance.

So fucking tired.

maras - I don't know why she didn't. I'd love to know but I am not going to ask her and DH won't talk to her in school.

Sorry, but it's not clear to me.
Are you still with him?

Yes I am. The ring is a symbol.

Orm, I have no advice. Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you. ((hugs))

Orm, I have read a little of what you are going through and I am very sorry, it must be horribly tough (understatement) and I don't suppose you know whether you are coming or going. Does he continue to tell you that he loves her? Isn't that intolerable?

"The ring is a symbol."

I think you'll find the ring is a catalyst. People are more difficult to get rid of than rings but I think that, now that you've started the process of de-junking your life, you'll see it through and he won't be far behind. I suspect you know he'll never 'genuinely' do anything again.

Orm - I'm both sorry and glad to hear this really as you'll probably imagine. I think you probably have a long way to go still with this misery and I hope you can make some more headway with looking at the reality of the man you are married to. You do deserve something so much better than this, anyone would. He hasn't in my mind taken any steps towards stopping "loving" her either physically or emotionally and that is the key thing for me, that and that I think he is still lying to you about them sleeping together because I just don't believe any person would risk so much or describe such heavy emotional attachment to someone they were just entangled emotionally with, that and the rumours at work tbh. I don't think he is willing to ever give her up or tell you the real truth and I think I know where that leaves you.

He told me right at the start that he loved her - because he knew that would be the biggest problem for me

It's a tad disconcerting to think that a middle-aged man who teaches others can be such an emotional ignoramus that he confuses lust infatuation with love.

Of course he didnt 'love' her. He was in love with the idea of her. She fed his ego and put a spring in his step. O how gladly he skipped into school knowing that he would see his beloved.

Jeez, it's pass the sick bucket time. There's no fool like an old fool and she played him like a fish; hooked him with doe-eyed glances of adoration and reeledi him in.

The problem here, Orm, is that he's continued to live in the marital home with you and, when you have time on your hands, it's entirely understandable that your mind turns to the vexed question of whether he remain in situ because he truly, madly, deeply, loves you or because he knows which side his bread's buttered on.

This is why the response to infidelity is always 'leave the bastard', or as I prefer to advocate 'give him/her the order of the boot', as separation provides time and space for both parties to give full consideration to their feelings for each other.

The wronged party may feel that, by taking this action, they're effectively throwing their dh/dw/dp at the ow/om but it's a risk that has to be taken as it's the only way to dispense with the doubts you are currently experiencing.

I think he may well still be seeing her anyway izzy and I don't buy the "she hooked him", he isn't an imbecile and he constructed a cover for a relationship everyone was gossiping about in work all by himself.

There's nothing in the handbook about fools and imbeciles lacking cunning, offred

Purely on the basis of what has Orm said on her other threads, I doubt that he has continued his liaison with the ow.

I suspect he's currently shit scared of being caught out again, either by Orm or his colleagues, but only time will tell if his 'love' for the ow exerts a stronger pull than his love for his dw.

On the facts; he still "loves her", he knows for Orm this is the worst part, she and he both still work at the school, she had the opportunity to leave but didn't take it, he has become distant again since school started and she has texted him trying "regain" contact... That is not a relationship that is over in my mind.

An imbecile is not cunning. A fool maybe but I don't think he's necessarily a fool. He seems to want both wife and girlfriend. I do believe he is trying to maintain that situation going forward.

All we know about her opportunity to take up employment elsewhere is that it's an alleged as opposed to an actual fact, offred.

It may have been that the ow thought the prospect of him being unable to see her on a daily basis would encourage him to leave his dw.

If that's the case, her ploy - if indeed it was a ploy - hasn't worked and it remains to be seen whether she will renew her efforts and whether he'll succomb to her further attentions or dance attendance on her or, as per your opinion, they have continued their affair throughout.

Sadly, none of the above will provide Orm with any reassurance whatsoever but that particular solace can only come from him and can only be relied on with any certainty after a considerable amount of water has gone under the bridge time has passed since her discovery of what is, undoubtedly, his physical as well as emotional infidelity.

On the issue of his infidelity it seems the verdict is unaminous, Orm. Whatever he may tell you, he has committed adultery and insodoing has given you ground for divorce providing you institute proceedings no later than six months from the date of your discovery.

He will only admit to an emotional affair having happened. he still loves her and he hasn't cut her out of his life, what exactly had changed in their relationship (h and ow) apart from orm knowing? What are the chances her only attempt to contact him happened to be in front of orm?

If the ow job was real and fell through he could have been looking for other work for him, if it was a lie then why would he lie? If it was a ploy from ow then he is playing along with it by continuing to work at the school with her and continuing to love her. The ow and orm engaged in a battle to "win" the prize of a man who happily keeps his head down in between them both getting exactly what he wants from them both just so long as he says the right things and not too much to each of them...

I just do not buy the "poor foolish DH" line at all. He has knowingly engaged in a large amount of deception, he says he loves his gf and he has taken no action to change this and I suspect he doesn't want to.

And as far as ow with "ploys" well see I can't really blame people who love each other for trying to save their relationship. In the context of their relationship (ow and h) she feels she is doing what it takes to give it a chance and who knows what she has been told/is being told by him, who knows what she is telling her h? In the context of orm and h'd relationship it shouldn't matter what "ploys" the ow came up with, what matters is that orm's husband loves her and his lack of actions state he is not intending this to change.

I think the vastly more likely scenario is that ow thought it was over when orm found out and applied for other job or said she was going to and then didn't because something has come from h to her which have her the impression that there was a chance it wasn't over and that she would get him if she fought... Probably that his ending of the relationship was exactly the same as his discussions with orm "I'm so torn I love you, I also love her" neither is true in that case, in that case what he loves is what having both of them does for him.

Orm's husband loves his gf I mean...

Given that he was on school hoiday leave I don't see anything untoward in the ow's text having been received while Orm was present, offred, but of course it may be that they have been in continual contact throughout and one text was sent at the wrong time, so to speak.

I take the view that the 'prize' is unlikely to be worth a contest, but that's easy for me to say given that I have no emotional involvement with, or investment in, the man that is the df of Orm's dc and in whom she once had perfect trust.

Utterly off track but when my mum and dad separated and mum took off her rings, she was quite sad that her finger was bare after 25 years. My brother and I bought her a ring from each of us (we were teenagers so not terribly pricey I'm afraid) so she's have something different to wear. She still does wear those bent old rings even though she's remarried.

Maybe rings for or from your kids are a nice replacement-they won't come off.