the more you love them, the less respect they have for you?

[IKnowItsMyFaultBut]

Has anybody else found this? The more I love a man, the worse he seems to treat me.

Urgh, I hate all this love your self stuff. It all seems so forced. still quite a lot to think about here.

The reason you hate it and you recoil from it, OP, is because you don't love yourself. Your upbringing never showed you how to do that.

It's fucking hard work taking responsibility for your own happiness and putting yourself at the centre of your life. It's hard work, it often aint fun, but there is absolutely no substitute for it, as you have found out.

What do you mean by 'forced'? Don't you love yourself? Don't you want what is best for you? Don't you think you're worth a lot?

Do you even LIKE yourself?

Could you name 10 things about yourself that you like (that are not based on looks)?

I love my friends and family. The whole love thyself thing seems a bit egotistical.

It's not about loving yourself like in a 'she's so in love with herself ' way, it's about respecting and valuing yourself, giving yourself at least as much energy, consideration and gentleness that you would be prepared to extend towards a partner. Until you can truly value and care for yourself and have self-respect, you won't have a snowball's chance in hell of finding the 'right' person. I believe me, I have found this out the hard way.

There's a massive difference between 'loving yourself' and being a 'stuck up prima donna who thinks noone and nothing is ever good enough for her'.

If you can't see that, then I'd look back at your childhood - I'll bet your parents or some other person of influence in your life taught you that you shouldn't think too highly of yourself, to not show off, to always put others first, etc. You've been programmed op. I think it's time for some reprogramming, because otherwise you will continue to be rejected.

You're building relationships based on physical attractiveness, not real love. That's a hiding to nothing. You need to believe you deserve to be loved, whether you're pretty or not, whether you're a size 6 or a size 20

All 'loving yourself' means is giving yourself priority in your own life. It's too easy otherwise to place yourself second to other people - parents, children, partners, friends, work colleagues - and find your needs taking a back seat to everyone else's. As women we are bombarded with messages from an early age that being nice, kind, selfless, helpful, loving, eager to please and so on is all that's required to be a good girl. We naively grow up thinking these qualities will reap rewards. In moderation they do of course but it doesn't take much for 'kind, selfless, helpful and loving' to be interpreted by unscrupulous, manipulative types as 'mug'.

You've wasted what sounds like a lot of time, effort and emotion vainly trying to keep three exes happy and every time had it thrown back in your face. All I and others are suggesting is to switch your focus to making yourself happy for a change.

OP, finding a good partner is never going to be a science and you'll never truly know what you've got until you're well into a relationship sometimes. I've had some very long relationships and some shorter ones. They all ended, even the 15 year one. None were twunts. All had a mix of good and not so good qualities - they were human!! Just because you find a good man, does not mean that you will stay with said man. Good men leave too. I think you're putting too much emphasis on male romantic relationships. Balance your life with job, family, friends, interests and date when you feel your life is ready for that. Some dates will go nowhere, some will last longer, one might last forever but you need to build your foundations first so that if another man treats you badly you can tell him to do one. Picking a good man does not mean that he will never hurt you or things won't go wrong. You can try all you like to find a good one and avoid twunts but life's not like that. Plus you and you bloke will change in response to life events, stress, changing circumstances etc. Take it as it comes. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, and enjoy the ride!

IMO the most important thing in a long-term relationship isn't love or lust, but like. Probably those devoted couples that you see like each other a lot. Radical concept.

DH and I like each other a lot. We're best friends and enjoy each other's company and laugh a lot. This is quite important in addition to obviously fancying each other.

He moved to the other side of the world for me, so I'd say he is fairly devoted.

And likewise, it's not so much about loving yourself, as liking yourself. Being happy with who you are, secure in yourself and your abilities.

I like AnnieLobeseder's argument about some sacrifices being about working to a common goal. I moved 6,000 miles to give things a go with DH. I left a big apartment with a view of the Petronas Towers for a bedsit. But it wasn't about sacrificing my incredible lifestyle it was about giving a bigger dream a chance. The bedsit is long gone and I like our Victorian townhouse far more than I liked the flash apartment.

DH saw my commitment and it made him want to make all my dreams come true. A twunt might have perceived me as weak and needy. So it really does come down to the man in many cases. But you need to love yourself before you can tell the difference.

I spent a year alone after I left my ex. I got it wrong with him and he used my love against me. Alone I realised what I needed to make me happy, I then held out for those things when DH and I got together. I adore my husband and am always thinking of ways to make his life nicer but it doesn't come at a cost to my need for space, financial independence or ability to pursue my whims.

I think you need to commit yourself to spending at least the next two years single. The definition of madness is repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and while you bear no personal responsibility for the way in which your arsehole Xs have behaved, you do need to examine why your twat radar isn't going off when you meet these men and why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. That takes time, a huge amount of self honesty, and may require a little professional help.

I think maybe you're getting an unfair level of criticism about your comment on looks, as the truth is few people start relationships on the basis of personality alone. For most, initial 'chemistry' is what sets the whole thing in motion, although chemistry is the sum total of much more than just appearance (confidence being one of the main aspects of it). However, looks alone cannot keep a relationship going, just as the absence of looks doesn't mean a relationship will fail. In fact, if you're truly in love science has proven that our brains see our partners as more attractive.

You need to work on building a rich life for yourself that does not include a relationship. When you are genuinely happy with your life as a single person, that's when you'll be ready for another relationship.

And it is quite possible to be head over heels in love with someone without letting them cross your boundaries.

Thank you for all your advice. I have been single for nine months. This is the longest I have ever been alone. However, I have suddenly discovered a social life and new hobbies.

It's just the gaping hole where my ex used to be. It's amazing really, he was an utter bastard but I'm still in love with him...

You might want to Google traumatic bonding to shed some light on why that is.