Grumpy Husband- longish sorry

[GrumpFlump]

I have been thinking about posting this for months but have tried so hard to be positive and get things sorted. I feel like packing my things and going. I married almost 10 years ago, on the whole we had a happy relationship, few dc's and life has treated us both very well.

The problem is my dh is getting progressively more and more grumpy and moody. He is so negative it is draining even our dc's feel this way and we have a better time without him. This is making me cry because I love him dearly and feel a bit traitorous posting about him.

I have tried to speak to him about his attitude, he says he is vey happy and it is me. I am an eternal optimist and a positive happy person as are our dc's. The oldest dc left home early simply because of dh's nit picking and grumpiness. If I try to even gently tackle this he becomes incredibly defensive. Mil has also noticed how bad he is getting as have friends. He does it more and more in front of family and friends.

He just moans about everything I ask him to do, for example at a party yesterday our youngest dc needed a drink, he was almost at the kitchen door when I called to him as he had forgotten her cup (I was feeding baby, dc in the loo) his reaction, in front of the other people was so embarrassing. Huffing and puffing, you would have thought I had asked him to make tea for forty people. The thing is he will help anyone else out. Later I went to fetch drinks and he called me back, I went and he said oh nothing getting you back for earlier. How pointless. I said to him you were helping dc not me, please stop.

Everything is so petty, I get in his way in the kitchen, I leave drawers open this annoys him, dc's talk to much, he is constantly muttering under his breath, sarky comments and general grumpiness. It is wearing me down trying to smile and just gloss over it all. It just seems that everything regarding us is too much trouble for him. Yet, he is not a lazy man and does do lovely things for us all. I know relationships are not perfect but all I would like is respect and a bit of positivity and smiles. His grumpiness is definitely starting to rub off on our youngest dc and he pulls her up on it! He does not realise it comes directly from him.

I have asked him if work is ok, no problems there. He just seems to have slipped into this old grumpy man mode, we are not even forty yet! It worries me because his df is exactly the same if not worse. Mil told me she wishes she had pulled him up on it years ago but she never did until years later. He changed a bit but their dc's were grown up by then. Even dh tells me how miserable his father was and negative towards him, you would think he could be different towards us. Our oldest dc said to me there is no excuse mum, he can break the mould and be different, he doesn't want to.

What do I do? I can't stand it anymore but when I write this it seems so petty compared to other peoples experiences, he doesnt hit me or hurt me, only with quite cutting comments. I have in fact been through a very abusive relationship many years ago which is where my optimism stems from, nothing could be that bad again. But putting up with a miserable person, day in day out is slowly bringing me down Any thoughts or advice on how to sort this would be so welcome.

I came online tonight looking for someone in the same boat as me and I have found her ( and her and her...).
I am at my wits end too with my grumpy, this is too polite a word for their behaviour, dh.
Mornings are the worst. Even though I am up in the night with ds2 while he slumbers with ds1 he is the one in a terrible mood. And yes there is the barrage of pointless critical observations about misplaced kitchen implements or other sins I have committed.
His dad is, as you say, missing something in the emotional department and I fear this is his problem too and that he is becoming more like him.
When we met he was demonstrative physically and verbally. Now he never tell me he loves me or even kisses me and we are not yet forty!
He is fine with others but is sarcastic and rude to me often. He is wonderful father but is getting short with ds1 who has terrible tantrums.
I am walking on eggshells as if I say or do things he does not like he is withdrawn and sullen or mean and moody.
I did not sign up for this, I don't know where my dh has gone, he used to be relatively positive and loving.i wonderif he's depressed but he won't see a doctor.
We went to relate but the counsellor gave up really, she was v inexperienced, because dh did not entertain her theories about his father which were right but unfortunately he was not ready to hear them.
We had an argument the other day and he threatened to leave or top himself in front of kids then told me off for crying!
I think it is emotionally abusive to make the other person feel its their fault. It's projection. My rule of thumb is if what he says makes me feel unsettled in my chest then probably his stuff not mine if that makes sense, if it does not resonate it is their projection.
Tonight I just felt so sad and lonely but he just accused me of frowning all the time.if he just made an effort to show me he cared I would not look this way.
Told my mil if it wasn't for kids we would probably have separated despite loving each other. He lends all his time engrossed in his hobbies, I am last on the list.
Sorry for hijacking thread just
depressed about it and glad I am not alone.

Good posts Busters. I think that's what I was trying to say actually..he's not respecting you or the rest of the family, and if you confront him in the same blunt manner he chooses to communicate in, as Buster suggested it might strike a chord.

I think it helps to have a good memory to tackle behaviour like this, but the conclusion amounts to much the same. You just don't have to put up with someone who drains all the joy out of every day. There's a difference too between general grumpiness and behaviour that is critical, snipey, spiteful and causes you to doubt your own sanity. Don't minimise this by calling it a relatively cheerful name like 'grumpiness' because sometimes it's more sinister than that.

If a man has always been negative, saw his father being negative and is getting worse with age, he needs to know that there is a consequence to that behaviour and that unlike his mother, you won't put up with it.

If he didn't used to be like this and it's temporary frustration while living through the babies and toddlers stage, he needs to know that it's no different for you and that you will both cope much better if you're a team and acknowledge that this too will pass.

If it's emotional abuse to the extent that a child leaves home, recognise the damage it's going to do to you and your younger children and get out fast.

If on the other hand it's got appreciably worse in recent times or is a new development, to the extent that you don't recognise him anymore, don't rule out an affair.

Ginga66 - what you have described is way past grumpiness. It sounds like out and out emotional abuse.
If my DH threatened to leave or top himself in front of the kids I'm afraid I would've said - go on ahead, let me pack for you. And then he told you off for crying. Lovely.

I'm not sure why some of you put up with this level of 'grumpiness'. My DH has his moments but he has been under no illusion for years that if he went too far or for too long I would be off like a shot with DS with me. It means we can bicker quite a lot but honestly a bit of bickering is nothing compared to what some of you have to put up with. He has told his mother in the past that if I didn't pull him up on it constantly he would've ended up as illtempered as his Dad. You are all much more stoical than me.

Often it is a simple case that familiarity breeds contempt. Do you think any of these men will ever accept they have a problem and seek help because otherwise all your lives and your kids lives will continue to be miserable.
I hope you all find some resolution because you deserve better.

There's grumpiness but that level of criticism/nastiness/putting you down or making threats is not what I am talking about when I say my husband is grumpy. I draw the line at constant criticism (he goes through critical phases, I'm also quite a critical person), I wouldn't stand for any of the rest and as for making threats, that's way beyond grumpiness and (Ginga66 and the OP) I really think you should reconsider if you can live with this and what damage it is doing to everyone.

Have you got a counselling appointment yet op?

Our oldest dc said to me there is no excuse mum, he can break the mould and be different, he doesn't want to.

Your child is very wise.

And so are you, in identifying that is his own insecurities talking when he blames you for being a nag and saying he is a bad father, when you have done no such thing. And you are also very wise when you pinpoint that he does not see you and the DC as separate people - people like him rarely do.

I think his beliefs are too deep-seated to improve (especially since he will not accept anything that smacks of criticism), and he really is just downright mean to you, on purpose. This sealed it for me: "Later I went to fetch drinks and he called me back, I went and he said oh nothing getting you back for earlier."

You deserve better.

Mummy blouse it's not as simple as that. I can also be emotionally abusive by being demanding, throwing emotional strops, accusatory etc. he does the withdrawn cold thing and I I the extroverted emotional response. Neither is healthy I suppose.
I have been trying to tone my responses down and am hoping his will warm up? I am reading a book written for couples in these sort of relationships o hopefully that will help. Time will tell. I love him so I will try not to change him but change what I can about behaviour that upsets him and hopefully it will have a knock on affect?

Your home is not really calm and happy if you keep having to cater to his moods.

Playing a silly trick to 'get you back for earlier' - ie having earlier had the temerity to ask your partner to do something - well, that speaks volumes about the kind of man he has become, and what he thinks of you.

You say he does lovely things for you.... But if you ask for simple help it's all too much trouble? This suggests he does lovely things that suit him, and his agenda - and not things that you want, or things that really make you all happy (ie caring about you, wanting you all to feel comfortable and loved - as healthy, kind men do).

It's not good either that he blames you for things, and is a different person at work from how he is with you. It is teetering into emotional abuse; in fact that's what it is. It's interesting that you ended your first post with 'he doesn't hit me or hurt me'. As if you know you're suffering damage on some level, but can't justify the feeling to yourself.

It is justified, OP, so I do hope you can get some help for yourself. This behaviour is beyond grumpy. He may not be as bad as your previous partner, but that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. :(

Just wanted to balance this up a bit. I'm the grump in our family.
DH is the annoying one though (IMO, naturally) - the careless one, the eternal teen, the one who never thinks about the consequences his actions have on others, the one who thinks of himself first all the time.

I'm not saying that the OP is like DH, it's probably extremely unlikely - but I consider that I have grounds for being grumpy (well apart from just now when I'm far more grumpy than normal, but then I'm 36w pg, bloody uncomfy, lacking sleep and waaaay "too old for this shit").

Does your DH have any reasonable grounds for being grumpy? I'm not trying to excuse him, I'm trying to see if he has genuine cause for it, or is it just his permanent mood? Hormones might play a part in it - he should go to the GP to get an MOT just in case - or he might be hiding things from you.

I think you may need to have a full and frank discussion with him in terms of what you're prepared to put up with and where the break point is likely to be - if he has no reason for it, then he needs medical checking just in case; if he comes out of that clean and clear then he needs to stop being so self-indulgent and upsetting everyone else without due cause.

I know I need to stop being so grumpy too - it's not nice for DH, and I know that - perhaps when I'm out of the hormonal fug things will become easier for me though. Your DH needs to find a way out too, before you do.

he doesn't hit me or hurt me'. As if you know you're suffering damage on some level, but can't justify the feeling to yourself. very true ladywordy

Thank you for your support and the honesty which I really did need to hear but perhaps didn't want too Things are moving on, will explain in a minute.

In response to the comment about our home not being calm and happy, it is happy because of me and the way I am despite DH.I can completely understand why you would think it isn't with everything I have poured out on here, but when I tell you I am positive, I really am. Although DH behaviour impacts us to an extent, especially dc leaving home, the general feeling is yes daddy is in a mood today, so what we are having fun. This us the way I have always tackled it hence eldest dc not being permanently damaged by his moodiness and going on to study,to live her life happily. I told her I had posted on here, she is very interested actually. She also said it is surprising how many young people do not get along with one of their parents.

Anyway quick update. I have made an appointment for counselling, not too sure if it is going to be necessary now but still going,have also spoken frankly with DH. From the last time I posted I started pointing out when he was being negative, as I said before I have tried but this time I really mean business. His response at first was I will do the same to you. Obviously this was short lived as I am the happy one We started talking about how he felt during his childhood, I wa trying to point out what type of memories our dc's will have of him. They DO have a happy life for the most part but I said to him you will not be included in this do you care? Well, he got very upset can't explain to me why he is moody, I pointed out that it can run in the family, he knows this. I said I am not letting him behave this way anymore and the ball is in his court, for the last time. He didn't like it, but he also didnt react in the same old way. Later that day I found a card on the table, it was a thank you card listing all the things I do for him and the family and how he values everything we used to have. He knows he is far from perfect and is willing to try.

I am sceptical but I feel more in control of the situation, he seems to have grasped the concept of how his dc's are going to feel in the future. Eldest dc is coming over for dinner tommorrow, we are all three going to sit and have a chat. How this will end I don't know. Last night, he came and took over the two little dc's bathtime, he always used to do bath time for dc1, every night. I got the feeling he is tired, maybe depressed and stuck in his moody rut. I would agree that he had been dishing out emotional abuse after reading all your replies. I have actually told him this too. He seems quite broken to be honest.

That's it and I do so appreciate your time to tell me what you think, I felt like I had a little army of mnetters sitting on my shoulder when spoke to DH. I have also looked into what happens if I do decide to leave. Been very,very busy. Personally I feel we have something worth salvaging IF dh changes drastically. I feel better whatever happens

thumbwitch Thanks. You are preggers! First off congratulations and secondly you are allowed to be grumpy. I am probably annoying to some extent. Never really grown up, I work hard and am intelligent but I love gaming, comics, Harry Potter, I act like a loon sometimes, the dc's love my silliness but perhaps I need to be serious more often My df put so much magic into our lives, I can't imagine not having one daft parent.

I don't think dh has any reason as such to be so moody but from talking to him, I think he has massive unresolved issues with his dad. I would like to mention an incident last week but don't really want to give too much detail iykwim, the more I think about it, his dad is still upsetting him but subtly in a snide way. It's sad. But I do not feel sorry for him anymore as eldest dc said he can break habits if he wants to. I always made the link between fil attitude and dh's but after reading and re-reading on here things are clearer to me.

Sounds like you have made progress, Grump! Hope that you can work something out with your DH, with or without the counsellor's help and move on. He may need to pursue counselling for himself if he still has issues with his Dad though :(

I think for me, the problem with DH's teen-behaviour is that it happens nearly all the time, and it's the inappropriacy of it that ticks me off. For e.g., I expect to have to sometimes tell DS off (at 4.9) for playing with balls/balloons in the house - he's only little! I don't expect to have to tell DH to stop doing it as well, I expect him to know that it's potentially dangerous and very upsetting when he knocks ornaments off the shelves and they smash. He just doesn't think and that's generally what drives me crackers, not the daft behaviour and fun so much. But that's me and my ishoo - not you and your DH. Just wanted to perhaps put a bit more perspective on my irritations!

And thanks for the congratulations :)

Blimey, well done, Grump! :) Fucking ace. Good luck!

His response at first was I will do the same to you. - The thing that made my jaw drop in your OP was where he wasted your time just to "get you back" for requesting a perfectly normal bit of help. This is like war; it goes way beyond your run-of-the-mill selfishness (and that's bad enough!) Now you've decided to tackle the issue head on, I'd expect him to seek out other ways to sneakily undermine you. You've got your work cut out ... and, imo, would be fully justified in deciding not to burden yourself with an undercover enemy (him) at any point in the future.

I've got tremendous faith in your ability to sort things out. See, your optimism's catching

That's a good result Grumps keep being persistent though, and remember whatever the causes and reasons these men are adults and are able to reflect on their behaviour and make efforts to change if they choose to.

This thread has become all too resonant for me again in the past few days. DH struggling a bit at work and suddenly the huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning are deafening in our house. I said last night, I'm here to help but none of this is my fault and so don't bully me and don't blame me and don't push me away. My plan now is to not respond and hopefully wait for the cloud to pass. It feels good to know there are other women out there who know what it's like.....

I am right there with you bobbinogs. Makes me wonder why on earth these men get married in the first place. I have in the past said to dh, what exactly do you want? Life on your own or with us.

It must be to do with emotional intelligence, being aware of how you are impacting others, they are seriously lacking in this department.
I hope your cloud passes too, I am going ahead with my eyes open and never going back. In the few short days since I posted here things have hit home.

It is good to know we are not alone, I don't know about you but I was actually beginning to feel isolated. As someone mentioned up thread we should not have to put up with it no matter how much we love them. Keep your chin up,it would be nice to keep in touch on here and see how we go. Grump Husband thread title and we will know who we are when needed!

Hurrah, someone to talk to about this ! Yes I do find it isolating as it's a difficult situation to describe and can sometimes all sound quite petty......how can I explain how the fact that my husband goes through periods of sighing deeply and muttering under his breath whenever I'm close by is upsetting me enormously. It's all about what those sighs and mutterings mean, I know that they mean 'I'm fed up and I blame you' it's the death of a thousand cuts.

Things got a bit worse yesterday, I phoned on leaving work, he was stressed with the kids and dog to look after, fair enough to be stressed, I managed to leave work a little bit early to help him out and phoned for a quick chatty phone call to be cut dead and told 'don't talk to me just get home now' I was livid but managed to take my own advice and calmly told him when I got in that he had been unacceptably rude and insulting then I just got on with putting the children to sleep and disengaged from him. And since then it's been quiter. I'm on a works do tonight and was stressing about reminding him I'd be home late but he just said that's fine. Which is the normal behaviour I expect and deserve.

I'm pleased with the way I dealt with the situation, and it was mainly down to remembering what's been said on this thread. I'll be popping back to keep myself strong and sane.

Good luck to all the grump slayers out there.

Hey bobbinogs, the muttering and sighing is soul destroying. I hope this weekend has been better for you. I am still going strong with my resolution to diffuse grumpy situations. The meeting with eldest dd and dh went better than I could have imagined BUT we had a bit of a set back today.

Dh did the whole muttering thing all day. I pulled him up on it and he did the whole blame me routine and stropped. I stayed firm, told him I am not putting up with it, his parents came for dinner and he was quite rude to me, dismissive really. I spoke upstairs with him which I would never had done before, i would have left it just to keep the peace.

He accused me of sabotaging the meal blah blah. I stood my ground and eventually he realised he was being unreasonable and apologised. Although I dealt with it I am disappointed in him to slip so soon. The thing which concerns me is I feel stronger dealing with situations as they occur but I am not going to continue forever. At which point do I throw in the towel? I have laid it all on the line now. Loving being a 'Grump Slayer' < brandishes weapons>

Well I don't know whether to as you say grump flume throw the towel in or persevere.
I was as well behaved as I could be for a week but he has hardly come near me and it's all polite but distant.
Yesterday I lost it and we had a terrible row. He said he had paid me a compliment every day etc but basically he had a dream I was his mom and that's why he is off sex! Fair enough but it's not my fault. I told him to leave as I felt so desperate and then begged him to stay. I just want him to snap out of his ice mode and show me some affection. He says he can't do this while we are rowing but we hadn't for a Week and still nothing.
I feel so lonely I can't imagine it would be any worse if he weren't here.
He is going on a camping trip next week and I am hoping the time away will make him miss me and he will come back different. Friday we will be married four years but tbh I can't go out for our first dinner since ds2 was born and pretend to celebrate when it feels like he doesn't want to be here.
I don't know which is worse, the grumpy him or the
Polite removed him. No I do, I cannot bear this. I am going to smile through one more day for the sake of the kids but if he comes back off this trip still treating me like leper I will ask him if he wants to be with me or not. I don't feel wanted, needed or loved at the minute. Hell, I don't ven feel liked. So sad. Miss him tremendously. Don't know what to do.

Ugh, this makes miserable reading. I feel so sorry for you all and also massive identification. After years of being ground down by a man who found no joy in life, and was a petty tyrant, I am leaving. It's been a hellish journey, and I have to take responsibility for the separation.

Never mind that I'm a cheerful person who put so much into our marriage at the beginning. It broke down because he wore me down, and wore me out. I became so unhappy, and negative myself.

I have huge fears about the future but in many ways I can't wait. I can't relax around dh. He also has major 'dad issues'.

Dunno what the solution is. My dh didn't change until I threatened a divorce and by then I didn't love him any more. Since we agreed to separate his hostility is almost palpable and I feel he has only wanted to 'be with me' so as not to lose the kids. He seems to feel so negatively about me it is the only conclusion I can draw.

I feel for anyone in this situation. People are right that you have to try and nip it in the bud. But sometimes this doesn't work. I told my dh countless times how destructive his behaviour was, but nothing changed until it didn't matter to me any more, because I was gone in my head.

The split is protracted and has been an awful strain. I'm nearly there now. I feel I have given the best years of my life to this man. But I am hoping there will still be a good life for myself to pull from the ashes after I escape him. It's a shame that I have to break up the family I wanted so much to be able to find it.

Really feel for everyone living with one of these emotional car crashes.

I don't really have an answer, Grump, but wanted to add my support.

Your thread made me at little at myself. Like Thumb , I can be a bit grumpy. I suffer from anxiety and depression, which is actually very well under control right now and I'm feeling pretty good, but it's always on the edge of my consciousness that it could come back. I also have hormone problems, and when you take all those together, you can see that I'm not always a cheerful person. I have to be, at work. But when I get home, I'm frequently just exhausted, and it feels like there is nothing left over for DH and DS. Who are both just lovely, and deserve much better. DH is not without faults (that would be boring) but he does love me to bits and your thread has made me realize that I should work as hard at home to be lovely and happy as I do at work. Probably more so.
I think I should thank you (and Thumb) for realizing what it's like on the other side.

Will be following your thread and cheering you on .

"constant criticism and put downs, gaslighting (denying), blaming you or DC, the nice 'front' to others outside of the home" - sounds like my mum actually markingthe hours! My point being that it isn't just a male thing.

I sometimes find myself behaving like my mother now that I have a family of my own, OP. The difference is that I am horrified by the idea of my kids hating me as much as I hated her and so I consciously try to alter my behaviour. Sounds like your DH is in heavy denial about the reality of his behaviour to me.

Would it help if his mum had a word with him? She was there with him to observe his father's behaviour and so your DH may view her as 'qualified' to identify grumpiness IYSWIM. He won't LIKE the diagnosis but it may be more likely to be considered.

Good luck OP :)

OP you have described my father! I love him but I hate how his grumpiness can ruin the mood. I wish my lovely strong mother did what you are doing as I hate to see her so unhappy.

Keep going- the setback just demonstrates how much his grumpiness has permeated his personality and like a toddler is discovering the boundaries- it is working!

Grump well done, really. If he genuinely finally realised that he was at fault and genuinely apologised then that is a result......I think the behaviour can be so ingrained and the mechanism of blaming you, the kids, the milkman, the world so habitual that it takes real tenacity and stamina on your part to keep chip chip chipping at it.

Of course that will really take its toll on you and you must make sure you give yourself all the love and sustenance you need to help you carry on. You might have to have a lot more days like these, and it will either gradually get better and brighter ( in which case well done you for fighting for a better family life) or it won't ( in which case he's chosen his self indulgent moany comfort above his family and he'll have to p*off)

. Could you have a code word or some kind of stock phrase that you say when it starts so you can just say it and disengage. I hope today is better and calmer for you Grumps. If you choose it you could be playing a long game here, do you need to have a deadline in your head by which time there must be improvement?

For what it's worth things are fine back here with me. The quick clear calling him on it did the trick. And although the whole grumpy dynamic is still at work in our relationship it is much less pervasive and soul destroying than it was. That's mainly due to my work in recognising what was going on and confronting it, stopping getting emotionally involved and stopping trying to make it better for him.

Have a peaceful Sunday grump slayers.