Grumpy Husband- longish sorry

[GrumpFlump]

I have been thinking about posting this for months but have tried so hard to be positive and get things sorted. I feel like packing my things and going. I married almost 10 years ago, on the whole we had a happy relationship, few dc's and life has treated us both very well.

The problem is my dh is getting progressively more and more grumpy and moody. He is so negative it is draining even our dc's feel this way and we have a better time without him. This is making me cry because I love him dearly and feel a bit traitorous posting about him.

I have tried to speak to him about his attitude, he says he is vey happy and it is me. I am an eternal optimist and a positive happy person as are our dc's. The oldest dc left home early simply because of dh's nit picking and grumpiness. If I try to even gently tackle this he becomes incredibly defensive. Mil has also noticed how bad he is getting as have friends. He does it more and more in front of family and friends.

He just moans about everything I ask him to do, for example at a party yesterday our youngest dc needed a drink, he was almost at the kitchen door when I called to him as he had forgotten her cup (I was feeding baby, dc in the loo) his reaction, in front of the other people was so embarrassing. Huffing and puffing, you would have thought I had asked him to make tea for forty people. The thing is he will help anyone else out. Later I went to fetch drinks and he called me back, I went and he said oh nothing getting you back for earlier. How pointless. I said to him you were helping dc not me, please stop.

Everything is so petty, I get in his way in the kitchen, I leave drawers open this annoys him, dc's talk to much, he is constantly muttering under his breath, sarky comments and general grumpiness. It is wearing me down trying to smile and just gloss over it all. It just seems that everything regarding us is too much trouble for him. Yet, he is not a lazy man and does do lovely things for us all. I know relationships are not perfect but all I would like is respect and a bit of positivity and smiles. His grumpiness is definitely starting to rub off on our youngest dc and he pulls her up on it! He does not realise it comes directly from him.

I have asked him if work is ok, no problems there. He just seems to have slipped into this old grumpy man mode, we are not even forty yet! It worries me because his df is exactly the same if not worse. Mil told me she wishes she had pulled him up on it years ago but she never did until years later. He changed a bit but their dc's were grown up by then. Even dh tells me how miserable his father was and negative towards him, you would think he could be different towards us. Our oldest dc said to me there is no excuse mum, he can break the mould and be different, he doesn't want to.

What do I do? I can't stand it anymore but when I write this it seems so petty compared to other peoples experiences, he doesnt hit me or hurt me, only with quite cutting comments. I have in fact been through a very abusive relationship many years ago which is where my optimism stems from, nothing could be that bad again. But putting up with a miserable person, day in day out is slowly bringing me down Any thoughts or advice on how to sort this would be so welcome.

[Alcemeg]

Wow, that's absolutely wonderful to hear! Congratulations

[catandcoffee]

@Alcemeg

So it is!

OP if you're still out there, please let us know that you left the old fucker 😃

yes I agree in fact I hope all of those who posted here, many years ago, are living happy grump free lives.

[northerncrumpet]

Thank you @Alcemeg - advice and support from you and other posters, on my own threads and on @helplesshopeless threads, helped me to see that I wasn't imagining or making too much of his behaviour...and that spurred me to get out. As you say it's hard making it happen, but it was definitely the right thing to do.

[Alcemeg]

Congratulations, @Peach2021. I had a similar life: the way I actually thought about it to myself was that I was always striving to earn invisible credit points, but there was always something that knocked me back into the red so I'd be struggling again to find favour.

Bugger that for a lark, basically. Getting out was the hardest thing I've ever done, but looking back it was a no-brainer. The only thing that made it so difficult is that I was brainwashed into putting his needs first. My own were invisible.

[Peach2021]

In case this zombie thread is useful to anyone - and it seems it might be - then my marriage was very similar to @GrumpFlump , and before long the grumpiness evolved into emotional and verbal abuse, I think some of it always had been.

Anyway, after years of asking DH to get help and him refusing, he is now XH. He was very shocked when I told him it was over, and although it was initially hard for both me and the DC, now that the divorce is finalised our day-to-day life is a lot happier and less complicated.

[YMK2]

Ahh yes! Familiar with the over friendly and jovial to shop assistants too! 🙄

[Alcemeg]

@AuntTwacky

This thread is from 2012!

So it is!

OP if you're still out there, please let us know that you left the old fucker 😃

[Alcemeg]

Our oldest dc said to me there is no excuse mum, he can break the mould and be different, he doesn't want to.

They hit the nail on the head here, OP, sorry to say

He manages to be fine with work colleagues etc, but feels free to treat you like crap. That's not a kind and loving relationship, I'm afraid.

[Sweepingeyelashes]

I can't understand the idea that you find out how much you'd be entitled to and having this knowledge makes your fun sponge of a husband so much more bearable. He is turning into his father and he is going to get much worse if you are only in your forties now. Even your MIL wishes she could have done something with her husband. Your eldest child left home to get away from him and now he's started on the next child. Talking to him is pointless as you have discovered. Why are you staying with the miserable git - do you want to spend the next 30-40 years with an ever grumpier nasty man?

I am in my late 50s and I can tell you that time speeds up and life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it and you deserve better. One of my friends is the same age as me and she despises her husband utterly. It has, for various reasons, been easy for her to make excuses and think that her husband might become a better man but sadly he likes being that way and he has got worse rather than better. He treats her with contempt. She is looking at the last 20 to 30 years of her life being spent with this horrible man. Don't be her.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

Hi OP

I think you're under-playing this. He has to 'pay you back' and send you on a fools errand for getting his child a drink. This is so beyond normal.

Your eldest child left home early because of him and is too scared to tell him why.

Constant low level criticism and moodiness is a form of abuse. This is abuse. Turning it round on you, blaming his behaviour on you and accusing you of the things he does himself is a common abusers tactic.

You need to leave. You have tried and tried to talk to him and it's not worked. Short of him having some sort of epiphany and having intensive therapy to change his behaviour, that is your only option.

You've seen the damage his childhood caused him. Your own children will be similarly damaged and turn out with similarly dysfunctional relationships if you stay. Please get out

[AuntTwacky]

This thread is from 2012!

[Villagewaspbyke]

i agree- what you’ve described goes beyond a bit of grumpiness.

[Sausagelove]

I have downplayed my husbands moods for years . I shouldn’t have. It’s a type of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. I found the getting his own back about the drink quite concerning. It indicates he feels you were doing something nasty to him by asking and this is what happens when a spouse starts to perceive you as the enemy.

I have told my “grumpy” husband to get out after discovering years of financial abuse. I’m completely dependent on him so I’m in big financial trouble. That horrible angry energy has gone and you can tell when you walk in the door.

[YMK2]

Gosh I found this whilst googling what to do about a grumpy husband! Are they all the bloody same? Mine is driving me insane recently.

[maras2]

ZOMBIE THREAD !

[PImpernel65]

How can you want to stay with a wife when youre so nasty to them??

Its so horrible- I feel trapped and despairing. This isnt how I thought life would be. I dont want to stay with him unless he changes. I dont think he will though- too proud, he never admits hes wrong plus I think theres ow

I just feel for my kids

[PImpernel65]

Hi everyone, Ive just read this thread too as I am in the same boat. DH was nice when we got married 30 years ago but since we had kids 25 years ago he's got more and more critical. Ive been hoping and praying he would snap out of it, but he's got worse and its really affecting our 2ds as well- we have 3 dd as well. I feel like he just punches all the life out of me emotionally. I do wonder wether theres other stuff I dont knowabout eg an ow
People think hes so nice and charming but to me he puts me down and criricises me all the time. He doesnt even see me as a person either.
Last year I had had enough and told him I couldnt take any more. He actually had a breakdown with hallucinations that my dc1 said was from guilt. Hes kind of been loving, very religious and a little paranoid since. I have no friends or support in said breakdown I feel so alone and isolated I cant take any more. Hes been out of work for 6 months too. Hes very judging of others but never thinks hes done anything wrong. Ive asked him to behave nicer but I just get the silent treatment.
His father was extrememely emotionally abusive to his mother- she died last year- may have led to breakdown- but hes becoming more and more like him- never happy, never wants to have fun (with us anyway), I have wondered if theres ow but he swears not
So I relate to you all and I am feeling desperate too and thinking the big D which I never thought I would. So sad. Im a Christian too as is he but I think thats no guarrantee.

[MatildaTheCat]

Have reported spam.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT!

Jen, start a new thread of your own for support. All these Zombie threads are annoying.

[Robotgirl]

This sounds a lot like my brother in law. He's pretty unpleasant to my sister & my nieces (in front of me/ others)
Really think sister needs some support & interesting to come across this old but helpful thread.

[jenmacdon25]

Having a hard time with a grumpy husband, cant talk to my friends as they know him, every-time I speak I am met with negativity, just tonight we were out on a family birthday meal and his dad, my father-in-law almost called me a liar because I claimed to have seen him on a roundabout and he said he wasn't there when my daughters agreed with me, he backed down, remembering he had been there after all, by the time he had said yes he had been there I was totally embarrassed in front of most of his family, I'm 43 and still being made to feel like a child.

[bobbinogs]

How's the week been grumps? Hope your strategies are working. Unfortunately feel the need to revisit this thread this morning........