Grumpy Husband- longish sorry

[GrumpFlump]

I have been thinking about posting this for months but have tried so hard to be positive and get things sorted. I feel like packing my things and going. I married almost 10 years ago, on the whole we had a happy relationship, few dc's and life has treated us both very well.

The problem is my dh is getting progressively more and more grumpy and moody. He is so negative it is draining even our dc's feel this way and we have a better time without him. This is making me cry because I love him dearly and feel a bit traitorous posting about him.

I have tried to speak to him about his attitude, he says he is vey happy and it is me. I am an eternal optimist and a positive happy person as are our dc's. The oldest dc left home early simply because of dh's nit picking and grumpiness. If I try to even gently tackle this he becomes incredibly defensive. Mil has also noticed how bad he is getting as have friends. He does it more and more in front of family and friends.

He just moans about everything I ask him to do, for example at a party yesterday our youngest dc needed a drink, he was almost at the kitchen door when I called to him as he had forgotten her cup (I was feeding baby, dc in the loo) his reaction, in front of the other people was so embarrassing. Huffing and puffing, you would have thought I had asked him to make tea for forty people. The thing is he will help anyone else out. Later I went to fetch drinks and he called me back, I went and he said oh nothing getting you back for earlier. How pointless. I said to him you were helping dc not me, please stop.

Everything is so petty, I get in his way in the kitchen, I leave drawers open this annoys him, dc's talk to much, he is constantly muttering under his breath, sarky comments and general grumpiness. It is wearing me down trying to smile and just gloss over it all. It just seems that everything regarding us is too much trouble for him. Yet, he is not a lazy man and does do lovely things for us all. I know relationships are not perfect but all I would like is respect and a bit of positivity and smiles. His grumpiness is definitely starting to rub off on our youngest dc and he pulls her up on it! He does not realise it comes directly from him.

I have asked him if work is ok, no problems there. He just seems to have slipped into this old grumpy man mode, we are not even forty yet! It worries me because his df is exactly the same if not worse. Mil told me she wishes she had pulled him up on it years ago but she never did until years later. He changed a bit but their dc's were grown up by then. Even dh tells me how miserable his father was and negative towards him, you would think he could be different towards us. Our oldest dc said to me there is no excuse mum, he can break the mould and be different, he doesn't want to.

What do I do? I can't stand it anymore but when I write this it seems so petty compared to other peoples experiences, he doesnt hit me or hurt me, only with quite cutting comments. I have in fact been through a very abusive relationship many years ago which is where my optimism stems from, nothing could be that bad again. But putting up with a miserable person, day in day out is slowly bringing me down Any thoughts or advice on how to sort this would be so welcome.

[panicnotanymore]

Oh god, you could be describing my H and FIL. And to the person who said you must have low self esteem to put up with this - fk off. It isn't exactly pleasant to escalate it to a row every single time. Grumpiness is bad enough without adding constant fighting about it into the mix (as men like this never accept they have done anything unpleasant, always blame someone else, and trot out the 'are you criticising me/don't criticise me' line ad nauseum). My H is also the life and soul, and Mr popular outside the home.

We went through an unrelated wobble recently, meaning I am well up to speed on divorce and still in half a mind in that direction. I have discussed with him how is attitude and constant finger pointing is something I refuse to live with, and if he doesn't catch himself on I'm off. It isn't an empty threat. I think if you want to use that approach you have to really mean it.

[henrysmama2012]

Poor you! I would ask your mum and a trusted mutual friend to really back you up on this so you are all singing off the same hymn sheet. If his mum would sit him down and say he's being the same with you all as his dad was with him then that might hit home. He seems so aggrieved at the way his dad treated him that hearing the words that he is turning into his dad should make an impact. Then when he complains to friends or you or whoever, make sure you say yes, it's true. Bottom line is, the man is being an old misery & making everyone miserable and you shouldn't have to live life like this, so his mum could also be very candid and say that he is endangering things with you and the kids as that is exactly how she felt - like leaving him over it. I expect he will hate hearing it but tough. Get his friends to be honest with him too. And if none of that works, I think a bit of shock treatment would work - if being with a loving wife and loving kids is making him a miserable b&&tard then he needs to learn to live without you a bit. You need a break and he needs to sort his head out!

[carlywurly]

I agree about shock treatment. Unfortunately you can't jolly men like this out of their grumps and it is extremely wearing to live with, no matter how cheerful you are by nature. (been there)

I remember going on a day out with the dcs to the beach and running around playing with ds, who was 2 and delighted by it all. I took a picture of him splashing in the sea, and there in the background when you zoomed in, was xh, with an utterly thunderous expression on his face. He couldn't take pleasure in the smallest things with us, yet was the life and soul at work. One day, after an extreme bout of grumpiness directed at me, and how he was miserable because of me, I calmly asked him to leave.

It later emerged that there were all sorts of things going on behind the scenes including an ow, but I do think the grumpiness would have destroyed us anyway. I do feel for you.

[NettleTea]

maybe lay it on the line with a time scale. Say you will pull him up on it for x amount of time, but that you are expecting him to realise it himself and make an effort to address it without your intervention. After all, if after a certain amount of time you are still needing to monitor the behaviour at the same level, then he hasnt really made an effort, he is just moving the responsibility of his behaviour onto you.
Could you suggest that if he is serious, and if he feels that it is based on issues with his own father, that he takes himself off to some councilling to address those problems and stop them impacting on his family. That also removes the onus from you to deal with the issue, and puts the ball firmly into his court. It also shows whether he is actually serious about it, or if he is just paying lip service and will fall back into the usual pattern. TBH I would state that it is a deal breaker that he takes the problem elsewhere to deal with, and you will support him with his treatment (by pointing out whwre he is being nasty/grumpy) but your pointing out is not actually going to help the fundamental problem.
And I would still give it a time limit.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

My H is also the life and soul, and Mr popular outside the home.

God how common is this? What is wrong with these men? They can do it for people who don't matter other people but not their partner.

[amillionyears]

Late to this thread I know.
Glad things are improving for the op.
I have just been wondering whether the other posters with grumps could record them,with the grumps permission.
Sometimes when people are able to see how others see them,they realise what their behaviour is really like,and how bad.

[carlywurly]

tired - I used to ask that very question. Why did he save the niceness for the people who didn't matter - ie being over chatty and friendly with someone serving him in a shop, or we'd met on hols and would never see again (where politeness would have sufficed) He never could give me an answer.

Ironically, he's a hell of a lot nicer to me since we split. I wonder if his new partner now reaps the grumps.

[SassySpice]

devonsmummy
Wow, your comment resonantes with me. I too have that sinking feeling when DH arrives home.
My DH can kill a happy mood so quickly. My DS2 and I are slowly, unintentionally, excluding DH as he tends to spoil things. He is the life and soul of any social gathering and people think he's great, but at home he barely speaks to us. He seems to have about ten stock phrases which he trots out, most of them being conversation killers.
I stopped bothering to engage him in chit chat a year or so ago. I do my very best to keep things upbeat for the sake of my boys, but I don' know how much longer it can go on.

[Opentooffers]

Just putting another possible explanation out there - the old nature versus nurture thing.
DH could have the grumps as he is unintentionally slipping into behaviour that his father displayed growing up. Hands up those of us who know particular traits our parents had that bug us, but then down the line we find ourselves slipping into that same behaviour all too easily? I think what will help the OP in this (and seems to have been effective in discussions) is to remind him how he felt about his father when he behaved that way, keep the reminders up when he slips.
The other is explanation is biological and possibly hereditary too. It is known that serotonin levels can deplete as we age -quicker for some more than others - leading to depression and 'grumpiness'. It could therefore be that both DH and his father both experience more than the usual drop, thus increasing grumpiness.
The answer to that prob is likely to be a serotonin uptake inhibitor such as citalopram.

[Opentooffers]

... not that I'm advocating a life on medication. Sunlight helps serotonin levels - are the grumps worse this time of year? Is there signs of SADS ? UV lamps, timed hols abroad etc all can help too and other coping straregies as well as just having insight as to why.

[ladyWordy]

The life and soul of the party man, lovely and charming in public but awful in private, is very common indeed. :( One DV expert/writer calls it 'charm syndrome'  (google 'Sandra Horley life and soul').

[Ginga66]

Street angel house devil!

[bobbinogs]

How's the week been grumps? Hope your strategies are working. Unfortunately feel the need to revisit this thread this morning........

[jenmacdon25]

Having a hard time with a grumpy husband, cant talk to my friends as they know him, every-time I speak I am met with negativity, just tonight we were out on a family birthday meal and his dad, my father-in-law almost called me a liar because I claimed to have seen him on a roundabout and he said he wasn't there when my daughters agreed with me, he backed down, remembering he had been there after all, by the time he had said yes he had been there I was totally embarrassed in front of most of his family, I'm 43 and still being made to feel like a child.

[Robotgirl]

This sounds a lot like my brother in law. He's pretty unpleasant to my sister & my nieces (in front of me/ others)
Really think sister needs some support & interesting to come across this old but helpful thread.

[MatildaTheCat]

Have reported spam.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT!

Jen, start a new thread of your own for support. All these Zombie threads are annoying.

[PImpernel65]

Hi everyone, Ive just read this thread too as I am in the same boat. DH was nice when we got married 30 years ago but since we had kids 25 years ago he's got more and more critical. Ive been hoping and praying he would snap out of it, but he's got worse and its really affecting our 2ds as well- we have 3 dd as well. I feel like he just punches all the life out of me emotionally. I do wonder wether theres other stuff I dont knowabout eg an ow
People think hes so nice and charming but to me he puts me down and criricises me all the time. He doesnt even see me as a person either.
Last year I had had enough and told him I couldnt take any more. He actually had a breakdown with hallucinations that my dc1 said was from guilt. Hes kind of been loving, very religious and a little paranoid since. I have no friends or support in said breakdown I feel so alone and isolated I cant take any more. Hes been out of work for 6 months too. Hes very judging of others but never thinks hes done anything wrong. Ive asked him to behave nicer but I just get the silent treatment.
His father was extrememely emotionally abusive to his mother- she died last year- may have led to breakdown- but hes becoming more and more like him- never happy, never wants to have fun (with us anyway), I have wondered if theres ow but he swears not
So I relate to you all and I am feeling desperate too and thinking the big D which I never thought I would. So sad. Im a Christian too as is he but I think thats no guarrantee.

[PImpernel65]

How can you want to stay with a wife when youre so nasty to them??

Its so horrible- I feel trapped and despairing. This isnt how I thought life would be. I dont want to stay with him unless he changes. I dont think he will though- too proud, he never admits hes wrong plus I think theres ow

I just feel for my kids

[maras2]

ZOMBIE THREAD !

[YMK2]

Gosh I found this whilst googling what to do about a grumpy husband! Are they all the bloody same? Mine is driving me insane recently.

[Sausagelove]

I have downplayed my husbands moods for years . I shouldn’t have. It’s a type of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. I found the getting his own back about the drink quite concerning. It indicates he feels you were doing something nasty to him by asking and this is what happens when a spouse starts to perceive you as the enemy.

I have told my “grumpy” husband to get out after discovering years of financial abuse. I’m completely dependent on him so I’m in big financial trouble. That horrible angry energy has gone and you can tell when you walk in the door.