My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

READ THIS NOW......

sorry to be bossy

you need to get out

Side issue, but why isn't your name on the deeds to the house that you and your brother bought together?

Use the money you have in the bank and get out! It's not your brother's money, it's yours. Rent somewhere, as cheap as you can, and then let the dust settle a bit.

She thinks we should sell DB's flat now (even if at a loss) so he can buy himself a flat.

I'm too scared to move out and leave her to it atm. Not sure what I'm scared of, but I am.

Sorry to be harsh, but at this rate she'll drive your DH away and your be stuck with her as a single parent living in the same house.
You either grow some balls and use your savings to move out and safeguard your marriage. Or accept the situation and suck up her emotional poison and hope it doesn't damage your DCs too much.
Your choice, albeit a hard one.

As I said before, this idea about the money not being yours is ridiculous. The pie in the sky future house is fantasy, and is keeping you caught up with her.
What is the worst that can happen if you move out.
Why did she buy such a huge house when it was only her, when she moved out? Did she 'know' she was going to need you to come and live with her? It's looking increasingly like she didn't want to be on her own and she orchestrated the whole thing. And she never even liked living there in the first place. It's all a big mess.
You don't want to stay living with her, and yet you won't move out. You don't want to leave Spain and yet you are thinking about moving everyone to the uk just to facilitate her, yet there is other family over there.
You don't want to let your husband take her on because she ranted and cried last time. What has happened that you are prepared to sacrifice yourself and your family just to prevent a scene with her. She doesn't care about creating a scene with you. She has created a situation which is beyond awful, your family are unhappy, but you won't do anything about it and just let her walk all over you by sticking your head in the sand and hoping somehow it will go away and be ok. It's gone beyond that point, and it will be horrible and it will be upsetting, and you will feel sick and scared but you must stand up to her, or get your husband to and stick to it, however much she rants, cries and threatens to kill herself.
In fact if she threatens to kill herself I'd consider telling her you will call the police/ambulance because she needs professional help. That's what's suggested if you have an abusive partner who does this. It may seem a bit left field, but I'd be considering a call to women's aid - it may not be a partner, but the toxicity and abuse is the same, and they might have some pointers for you

And of course she wants you to sell your brothers flat - she wants it gone so you can't suggest she lives there, or you go there, and she wants the money tied up so that you can't access it to get away. Classic control

I'm a very bitter and twisted, twice divorced and still-smarting person with not a very high regard for most men I've ever met BUT your poor, darling husband is a veritable saint!

I simply cannot imagine how awful this situation is for him and bless him, he loves you enough to put you first every time. Have you any idea how lucky you are? Most men would tell her to fuck off and pack a bag.

I honesty completely understand the difficulties with your mother. I really do. You have to stop making excuses for her and yourself. This is a deeply unhealthy environment for your children - rent a house for yourself and your family and move out ASAP before your children start displaying signs of anxiety and depression.

If you have money in the bank then stop faffing around and get yourself out. Either your mother makes a miraculous recovery and starts looking after herself or you get her into a more successful care programme. Don't even think of coming back to the UK if everybody else is happy where you are.

Sorry to be blunt but you need a kick up the arse, girl, before your lovely man fecks off and you're left to rot in your mother's poisonous grip.

If you are worried that she might follow through on a threat to kill herself - you should get her psychiatric help.

A friend of mine in the UK recently had her mother committed when she made such threats. Her mother got the help she needed and is now happy and able to cope.

It is either a genuine cry for help or manipulation. If the former she needs to be protected from herself. If the latter, you should cut all contact. It would be evil ti use such a threat for control.

You're right... it's going to me ill at the very least. Don't get annoyed with me...I'm taking it all in. Just all hurts to hear.

Love, we're not going to get annoyed with you, if anything it's exasperation at your situation.

You are in an abusive relationship, and some of us know how hard it is to come to that realisation, and how it is to do something about it.

Most DV victims are alone, isolated and unsupported, you have your DH and you have us.

You can do this. It takes on average 2yrs from point of discovery/realisation for a DV victim to extricate themself, but with support, with help from your H, you can do it more quickly.

Yes it might be tough, you'll have to dig deeper than ever before, be focussed and yes, selfish, but that's OK and long overdue, it has to be done, you know what you'll lose if you stay.

you're making me cry. But thank you. xx

Have you had a long talk with your DH about options? I think you should sit down with him and say you're unhappy with the situation and you don't want to live with your mother anymore and start from there. He may have some good ideas - he'll probably move heaven and earth to come up with somewhere else to live! I would, if I were him.

But you are progressing. You've identified that you don't want to live with her - that's great! You know that you don't want to leave Spain - some of the decisions are starting to fall into place.

I don't have any advice about your mother (though I think I have a similar one at home), but I just wanted to say some stuff about your finances.i might have got the wrong end of the stick, but it looks to that when your dad died:

Your brother got:
- a flat in Spain (that might be worth ?160k)

You got:
- ?50k in money
- the promise of a house when your DM dies (that might be worth ?220k)

But in return for the promised house, you have to a) look after your DM for 30 years and b) save all the money you can to compensate your brother for the difference between the two property values.

This is crazy! He has a saleable asset, in his name, that no one can take from him or dictate how it is disposed of. You have a 30 year caring commitment, the promise of an asset one day (that she could still leave to the cats home or need to sell for care home fees) and some money that you're told isn't really yours.

If I have got it right, can you see that your DM has really shafted you with this arrangement? Could you talk to your DB about this, or just cut your losses and take the ?50k and do what's best for your family?

Nobody's cross with you, OP. Hissiltoe is right - a lot of us have been in emotionally abusive situations and need an objective view to help us see a way out.

Nothing you do will please your mother. Nothing. So move out and make arrangements for her to see the kids on a regular basis. Take meals to her. Do what you can for her as you would any elderly relative but try to disengage from her emotional blackmail. You can do it.

I've just had a look at that stately homes thread and this jumped out at me...it's almost word for word her reaction to me saying I didn't want a fight because I trusted DH to be a good dad and it wasn't her place to criticise;

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
it's scarily exact.
I feel a bit of a fraud reading it as she didn't abuse me as a child. She leant on me too much, especially as I got older, let me be too much of a confidante. I remember once a girl at school's mother killed herself and was found on the school playing field (took sleeping pills) DM made me watch her flush her sleeping pills (that she'd been prescribed) down the loo, because she wanted me to know she'd thought about killing herself but she would never do it and leave me like my friend's mum. I would have been in my early to mid teens. I can sort of see why she did that but it scared the beejesus out of me. Made me feel like a I had a huge burden...she was only not killing herself because of me.

We could never get annoyed with you, we all see too clearly how you have been destroyed......almost!!! I feel in your last posts that you are seeing that little light moving closer. The light that says.....I`m not letting her get away with any more. Whatever the end result is regarding where you live - and it will take time to sort it out - PLEASE KEEP THAT THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD AT ALL TIMES. If you do this, you will have removed the power that she has held for too long. I suspect that as you start to get emotionally stronger, you will question a lot of what you believed/were told by her, regarding other aspects of her life.

Above all, keep your husband and your little ones close to your heart, tell them how much they mean to you every day. They are your future. Only you can make it a good one.

I said to DH, it's like the scales are falling from my eyes. I can't believe I couldn't see it. I'm sure some people think I'm sponging off her and I live with her because it's financially expedient to do so, but it's not that. I haven't left because I don't want to abandon her. I would rather live anywhere than go through this every few months but I can't just leave her to sink or swim...at least that's what I've always felt and that has seemed so final. She'd never ever forgive me.
None of it makes me angry (yet), I was angry on Thursday/Friday, but the more it goes on the more I just feel so so incredibly sad.

And I look at my beautiful children and I think, how can she says she loves me and then be so horrible. I swear, even if DH left me and they both grew up and decided to live in Australia, I'd never chase after them, ever. Nevermind chase them and then guilt trip them about going.

I feel a bit of a fraud reading it as she didn't abuse me as a child

Darling, of course she did!!!! Maybe not physically, but in every other way she could. Please don`t cherry pick the "good bits". You have to be brave enough to look at the whole picture, and process it all......and it will hurt, but not as much as losing your family.

She's just come down from sulking in her room and set off for the pharmacy with her walking stick cos apparently I said I would go for her, but I never bother (I said I'd go on Friday but this blew up thurs night and I had a meeting Fri all morning and then forgot fri afternoon cos of all this.) Was supposed to go Sat am but forgot again, offered to go to emergency pharmacy sat afternoon, she said it didn't matter, it wasn't urgent. Seems she can walk there perfectly well herself. Says I don't care how she is and that I'm a liar, that I never used to be but I am now. Has stormed off into her room.

Well, I'm sorry, but if she can walk to the pharmacy she can cook for herself and do a little light housework. She will be fine on her own!

OP, you are a star. You are doing the right thing for you, your DH and your DC. Keep thinking it through -you're doing brilliantly.

OP, your mother sounds very much like mine. The difference is I live several hundred miles away and that isn't going to change, no matter how much she guilt trips me. Whenever I feel guilty about supposedly being the worst daughter in the world, I imagine putting one of my sons in that situation, then I realise just how unreasonable she is.

Saying that I know it is hard. My brother never managed to break away from her, even after she wrecked his marriage and tried to alienate him from his children. Even then, he still succumbed to the pressure she put him under because she played with his emotions and made him feel like a terrible person for daring to have a life of his own.

You really need to bite the bullet and use the money you have to move out. It won't be easy, she'll crank up the manipulation if she sees you trying to get away. But your children shouldn't grow up in this atmosphere. In a few years time she will be pulling their strings too.

And you shouldn't have to move back to the UK. Why should you, your DH, your children and your PIL all suffer because of one spectacularly selfish person? Find a flat of your own then tell her she has a choice: she can stay there and you'll help her with stuff she can't do; or she can go back to the UK and you'll help her find an assisted living flat. And she will cope, plenty of much older and more frail people live alone, both in Spain and the UK.

Hello OP. Reading your posts three things occur to me.

First is that you come over as very passive in the arrangements. You hate the situation you are in and yet feel trapped by it and unable to move. There are a number of options open to you but you have to be proactive and choose to change things. I hope this thread has give you a shake out of the trance you have been in.

Second is you?ve written little as to how this must be hurting your husband. And it must be. If I were forced to live with a toxic MIL who was monitoring my every move and waiting for opportunities to bitch the second my back was turned and I didn?t have 100% support of my other half I?d be desperately hurt and want out big time.

Finally whilst I get that you want to stay in Spain, given that you have low paying work and your husband has no work how would you support yourself if you are somehow able to disentangle yourself from your mother but remain where you are? It has been three months since you started this thread and presumably there has been no real movement on that front? So what is Plan B? I know the UK is not in the best financial state but its not that bad, certainly nothing like the 50% unemployment rate you?ve got locally. I can only really speak for London/SE but whilst things are tough there seem to be plenty of opportunities for couriers/delivery drivers and failing that there is always lots of turnover in chains like Pret and Starbucks ? as long as your husband speaks decent English and has a really good attitude I imagine he could find work. You can of course do TEFL in the UK and having experience is a bonus but what did you do pre TEFL teaching? Why not have a look at some areas and research carefully what you could rent (forget buying for now) and what jobs you might be able to do plus what benefits if any you are entitled to. Maybe start some new threads if you think it may help get input. You don?t want to rush into it without thinking but in the UK you could probably both find jobs of some description which is at least an improvement on what you have now.