My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

I thought you were moving out next week. Is that still happening? If you're getting the keys Wed yopu won't want to waste paying rent for a house you aren't living in.

she may appear mental, but sadly I doubt very much that she is, its far too contrived to be really demented.

She wont go back to the UK because is what she actually wants to do, and if she did and she didnt like it she wouldnt be able to harp on and blame anyone else. In Spain she always has the 'I only came here for you' thing, and if she manages to get involved in house hunting/buying in Ireland with your DB, then it would be 'Im only here for you' over there. She needs to be somewhere she doesnt want to be so that she can play the martyr.

why, when she first moved over, did she buy such a whopping great big house. This is what makes me a bit suss, a bit like she knew she would put on the pressure for you all to live together/she would have an 'accident'.....

I don't know when we're moving. I told the agent last wk we wanted the house. He asked for payslips which I gave him. Said he'd contact the owner. Next day the office was shut and he won't be back from holiday til tues now. I went today to ask if the owner had agreed and when we could sign but the guy I've dealt with is away and his colleague knew nothing about any of it. She said she'd ring him but she hasn't got back to me. Things work a bit like that here...Will go and nag again tmrw...should be poss to sign this wk and move next wk.

Have been lurking on your thread, and am v v glad you are moving out. Good for you for taking action to change the terrible situation.

Not long to go! The flat - your own space - will be great. It will be the best thing for your marriage and DC.

Your M's living arrangements and wellbeing are up to her. You have hard work with two small children, a lovely, long-suffering DH deserving of being a higher priority, tight finances (but luckily good savings), your job etc. You have already devoted more than enough time and energy to your M!

Btw managing without a bath / garden etc is fine, DC quickly get used to showers, mine did!

Her emails to your DB are shocking, really cold, and as others have said using money to manipulate and treat you differently . Shame on your DB if he allows her to favour him financially. But not for you to worry about right now!

I suspect that your M might have some kind of accident or incident (a fall, faint, worrying health symptoms) soon, and/or stays in the big house but seeks to make big demands on you. Whatever she does, it is not your fault.

It'd be worth discussing with your DH what (your mother willing of course! She may just return to the UK, hurray!) you will/won't do for her after you move out, if she chooses to remain in the big house. Is she eligible for Spanish healthcare? If so, you could perhaps inform her GP or any health-visitor equivalents of your concerns about her mental state (if you are concerned about this).

Given her past treatment of you and your brother and overt focus on DS (but not DD) it'd probably be sensible to not allow unsupervised access to the DC. Whether she sees them is up to her.

If you want to continue to help her out (you're a more generous woman than many!), try to set boundaries, eg ensure you have time for your own domestics/family/relationship before attending to your M. Perhaps your DH or others could do practical stuff like teach her to online shop? Please don't move out but still be under her thumb.

I feel sorry for your M for her physical pain: my DM has had severe degenerative spinal and joint problems since her early 40s, with horrible pain all over her body, which in my DM's case isn't treatable or relievable, and it is difficult for her to live with. No doubt your M does struggle with pain. But that is not an excuse for her behaviour, or mean that she cannot live alone (when she has plenty cash to pay for help) or that you must care for her. My DM would not expect that, and indeed (though feel bad admitting it) am not sure if, should my DF die, I could have her living with me long-term without my marriage or own health breaking down, and she is much, much nicer to me and DH than your M has been to you!

Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.

Move next week? That's great! Don't misunderstand me, I recall how utterly shit it is when you have to share a house with someone like this and there's an atmosphere you could cut with a knife -every hour seems days long.

But if you might have your own sanctuary by next week.... well, hopefully that makes the current horrible situation a bit more tolerable for you op.

My mother used to do the silent weeping thing too. Argh.

Nettle the big house thing was that she wanted a garden and smaller places didn't have much of a garden and then she decided it wasn't the kind of gardening she liked...climate is quite extreme ...v hot summers and hard to find stuff that doesn't die off....She created a beautiful patio at the back of the house but never seems to appreciate it..moans a lot about it being too much work for her. Ah yes..the other thing was she wanted a house with a downstairs loo and possibility of downstairs bedroom in case she got decrepit ha ha ha. I don't know if it was explicitly calculated and anyway I expect she'd just have tried guilting me into going to the uk with her instead. Been ignoring all evening..will go to bed soon. Going to try really really hard to use some of those stock phrases to any further provocation.

So, as some of you said I would...starting to remember things. When I was 16 and my GCSEs results came out for example. Her job (trying not to be too specific) meant she had access to the results on results day. Everyone else went in to school and picked them up, but she asked her colleague to ring her with them and then she told me. So, she knew them before me and then there was no point going to the school with everyone else. I was really really annoyed. I told her with my A levels not to do that, that even if she found out she wasn't to tell me. I don't know whether she resisted, but she did at least keep schtum and I went in and picked them up like everyone else. That's a bit weird, no? I can't imagine doing that for DC. I was a good student and I did OK, it wasn't like she had any major worries or was trying to help sort other school leaver options quickly or anything, I did A levels and got a 2:1 at uni.
Been reading about engulfing mothers.

I suspect there will be lots of these "lightbulb" moments for you Bad, now that you have seen your mother for what she really is. This, however, will serve to strengthen your resolve to get away from her unhealthy control. From things he has said, it seems your DB saw through her some time ago, but decided not to rock the boat. He now needs to make sure she doesn`t try to suck him into her plans.

I hope you are able to finalise details for your new house very soon - sounds so lovely.....I`m dreaming of my next Spanish trip! Please lay down your boundaries from the start though, as this type of person never gives up completely. Be ready for the "fall"....."undiagnosed illness"...."breakdown" which may well occur simultaneously with your move. You are being quite amazing, and have come so far, in a very short time. Be patient now, it will soon be all over,

Just thought of another one..will try to get on later.

The GCSE result thing is odd. Going in to school all together is a rite of passage. Seems like she wanted to be involved in an area of your life that couldn't properly belong to her. Like .. your marriage?

Spoke to the agent this morning who said that the contract is ready to sign and the owners know we want to rent but that they like to read through the contract first (the owners I mean) and see the paperwork (i.e payslips etc) first and because we're between new year and reyes it's going a bit slow. She said she'd try the owner again today and hoped we'd be able to sign tmrw maybe, although I imagine it'll be next week now. Then need to order fridge, washing machine and get some light bulbs up as it's just cables dangling from the ceiling and organise removals and pack up and go back to work...so not much ha ha ha. Need to clean the place too but hoping agency will do that as part of their fee.
Will need loads of little bits and pieces...will have to do a raid on the pound shop. Got rid of quite a lot of my stuff when we moved here (mug) and I'm not taking hers and then having it thrown back in my face.
No more talk of moving back today...was obviously for show.
The other thing was, when I went self employed 3 years ago, there was a job I was quoting on to abridge books, she was really keen on it and saying she could do it and I could take on other translation work and that we could kind of run the business together. She really tried hard to get involved and I remember feeling uncomfortable, like it was MY business that I'd just set up and she was muscling in, the way she does all the time. I didn't get the job but I've just remembered that sensation of feeling smothered by her taking something over, muscling in....

You need to establish autonomy from her. She is definitely an engulfing mother, you will feel like a weight's been lifted from you once you move out. Resist all attempts by her to regain control even if it benefits you in the short term. It's better to be free than wealthy. You have done brilliantly s far though, we'll done!

Definitely agree re:raid on the pound shop - don't take ANYTHING you did not buy, even if she tearfully proffers (sp?) it to you.

Wrt the results issue: my mum did something similar. She rang up the teacher we were meant to contact about A-level results (without my knowledge) and asked for my results because 'she just couldn't bear to wait any longer' - it would have been 3 hours longer, if that. She then phoned around all the family and told them, but swore them to secrecy so when I broke MY news, they all had to pretend to be surprised funnily enough, other family members thought she was acting bizarrely and so informed me.

It was behaviour like that which made me irrationally or maybe not fear that when I had my DS1, she was going to steal him from me. I don't feel like I can have anything that's just mine when she's around.

Anyway! Thinking of practicalities: I'd prioritise getting a fridge. Washing can be done at a laundry and bare bulbs won't harm anyone presuming they're up high enough. Do you have Costco where you are? They're a good source of empty boxes if the removal company doesn't provide them. I went with a friend who's a member and we took loads.

It is an emotional rollercoaster, isn't it - not just for the current turbulence but when you start remembering all the past events and viewing them through this new filter. It's not easy but you're doing really well - hang in there.

Yes, I was thinking fridge is more important. I'm sure my friend would let me wash stuf and then I could dry it on the roof on a good day, altho will need DH to put a line up. By the bulbs, I mean there are no lights, there are literally bare cables coming out of the ceiling. DH will need to buy the little fitting (casquillo..don't know what it is in English) and wire it to the bare cables so we can screw a bulb in, IYSWIM. They do that here.
There are things here which were mine but hers has since broken, i.e there were 2 ironing boards and we used hers but it broke (was v old) a couple of months ago. DH says we should take it cos it was ours but I'd rather do without/buy a cheap one than have her say "they even took my ironing board".
Saw a good oven in ikea for about 100 euros less than normal so might at a later date see if the agent will let us put one in.

Just heard from the agent that the owners are away til Tuesday (Sunday is a big holiday here) so there will be no lease signed until at least then. Sounds like they are happy enough to rent to us but not actually here to sign til next week. Disappointed as it puts us back a week as we'll have to have bills changed, clean and pack this house up....don't see us moving now til the 17th. Still, I suppose it gives me a bit more time to organise. Just would like out of here. Been a long time to live in this atmosphere.

It's a shame but as you say, it does give you more time to plan and pack. And Spain is not a country to try and get anything done in a hurry!

Could you get away to the apartment for the weekend?

DCs really enjoy the cabalgata on the afternoon of the 5th and then we're off to see DH's extended family all day on the 6th ad taking MIL with us as she hasn't got any transport that day.
Although I think we'll try to go out for the day on the 7th as it's my last day of the holidays. All been quiet today but something will probably kick off tmrw or the day after as she usually gets really wound up at my lack of reaction after a day or so. She hasn't asked anything about our house hunting and I'm obviously not volunteering any information.

Sounds like you'll have a couple of days away from your mum which will be good.

This morning's nonsense:
I come into the kitchen to find her unloading the washing I'd done to put hers in (I don't mind doing her washing but she's been keeping it upstairs then doing it herself...and pointedly drying it out the front instead of going through my living area to hang it out on the back patio.) She says "I'm sorry about the laundry" I assume she means she's sorry she's not doing it all any more, which she wasn't but that was her complaint. "but since I haven't been doing it there's been an almost miraculous improvement in my back and I can actually sit on the sofa without being in agony". I said "OK". (Aren't you proud of me for not rising to it? ) The subtext obviously is that I was working her like a slave doing all my laundry and destroying her back so much she couldn't sit without being in agony. But she's stupid because the other side of that is that if it were true that she had been doing all the family laundry and is much better for not, well..she'll be much better living on her own and only laundering for one. Ha.

Hi badtoworse - I'm glad you're seeing your mother's attempted manipulations for what they are! I've been lurking on your thread but haven't had much advice to offer as I have a toxic mother of my own who I am trying to deal with

I've been cheering you on! At least if you can't move until the 17th, it will give you time to plan what you need to buy/pack and you'll have some time to organise utilities etc. Sending positive vibes your way

Don't you love it when they back themselves into a logical corner?

Well done for not rising to it - I wouldn't have been able to resist pointing out the idiocy of the statement!

Go girl! Ive been offline a couple of days and its great to see you are making great progress. Well done. Its a shame that you have to wait a while longer to move but at least you are now seeing her shenanigans for what they are.

Go girl! Ive been offline a couple of days and its great to see you are making great progress. Well done. Its a shame that you have to wait a while longer to move but at least you are now seeing her shenanigans for what they are.

You did bloody well not to rise to that one!

I think the old you would have instinctively apologised for the fact she had been (allegedly) hurting her back to do your laundry - and then she would have used the apology to start on some passive-aggressive martyrdom to ensure you felt bad and remembered it was all somehow your DH's fault.

Slightly newer you would have tried to engage and point out you'd never asked her to do the laundry, you're very happy that she doesn't do it, and pointed out the logical inconsistency in her argument. And then she would have done the silent crying.

"OK" doesn't leave her a huge amount of room to play in, does it?!

The "invalid" is busy making homemade lemon ice cream with DS. I am lurking upstairs out of the way cos she is just getting on my nerves by her very presence atm. I am sooooo looking forward to moving out. I'm even looking forward to going back to work on Tues cos it means I'm out of the house for 7 hrs a day, altho I pity DH here on his own with no car.....