My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Well you see, now she has been unshackled from the backbreaking manual labour you had her doing, badtoworse, she's a whole new woman.In fact this whole situation was caused by you not doing the laundry. It's now obvious.

Lurking is fine. You desperate need some time to yourself anyway.

Your DH will cope, as it's only another 2 weeks (hopefully) I'm sure he can find enough to do with your DC to keep himself out of your mother's way.

Could DH run you to and from work Bad, then he could get out and about, away from any possible aggro? Perhaps sort out a few things that you need for your move, if he`s mobile.

Incidentally, proud of you doesnt really cover it. Im in complete bloody awe of you!!!

Not really Autumn, I work til 10pm so he'd have to ask DM to watch the kids (they'd be in bed, but still) in order to come and get me. It's OK, he doesn't really need the car...I expect he'll entertain ds away from her while DD naps and then ds has football tues and thurs afternoons so that gets them out for an hour or so and the non football day they'll probably go to the park.
The tv watching at teatime has been knocked on the head, they sit in the dining room and do colouring/stories at teatime instead...so no interference there.
There was an interesting moment this afternoon, another dig from her and some interesting behaviour from ds.
They made the ice cream (she's got one of those machines that churn and freeze it iyswim) and it took about an hour. She stood watching it for pretty much the entire hour, interesting as her excuse for not cooking is that she can't stand for long enough to cook. hmmm .
DS was v good for her all this time and they were chatting away. I was upstairs and DH in the living room. They finished the ice cream and I came downstairs. DS (just to remind you, he's 5 in the spring) starts straightaway, wants a sweetie. I said (v calmly) no, we're not having anything til teatime. He starts carrying on and stropping, even threw a shoe at my face (I ignored) why can't he watch tv in grannny's room. I start to say no and she comes along the hallway, "ooh, what's the matter with you" all brightly and he starts again about the tv. And she says "he was asking me before why he doesn't watch the tv anymore and I don't know what to say because I don't know the answer" all wounded, like I'm such a bitch. I just said "they don't watch tv in the afternoon anymore". What i would have liked to have said is that letting them watch tv in her room is asking her for a favour and that I will never ask her for anything again as long as I live...but don't think that fits with the not taking the bait, does it?
Then went out with DS and the dog and he was AS GOOD AS GOLD. There's something WEIRD going on. I'm not sure if it's just that it's the holidays or what, but he can be a right little bugger but it seems to be when we're in the house and almost always just after he's spent some time with her. Maybe I'm over thinking it and he's just bored. But, we leave the house and he's a different boy.
The walk with DS and the dog was lovely. We live outside the city, in a village, so sort of semi countryside and the weather is glorious, cold but sunny. I feel like a weight has lifted when we go out, sun on my face and it's peaceful. I'd got really down about living here (in this country) over the last year or two and it was her misery dragging me down. I'm remembering why I loved it here years ago.
I don't know what she's thinking, I think maybe she reckons it's been so long we won't move out and it's just a matter of being a cow for long enough to wear me down eventually.
There was something else that occurred to me but I can't remember now and anyway this is a mammoth post, so I'll stop now.

This is it, was working out a list of what she has demonstrated she can do in the last 3 weeks:
launder (apparently she does all the laundry )
drive
throw out rubbish
make sultana cake
make ice cream and stand over it for an hour
shower
pack bags and storm off
prune bushes in the garden
walk to pharmacy and back and then to bank and back
wash her double bedding and put it back on clean
sit at the computer
find greek yoghurts on hypermarket website
order firewood, bring in logs, light and clean out the fire
use the dyson
cook simple meals (made herself salmon on xmas eve and apparently scrambled eggs this afternoon)
empty the dishwasher.

But can't live alone with a disposable income of 2500 euros a month apparently.

A friend told me recently of a study done with elderly people, I don't know the details though. All the help they'd been used to was removed. As a result they all became more independent and more able. I don't think there were serious health issues, but old, aching joints etc. It seems your mum is benefitting in the same way!

Well done, badtoworse! You are actually helping her!

Presumably badtoworse shouldn't take this to an extreme and throw her mum out to live on the street to harden her up a bit, Jux (I will say in support, when I did a course for carers some years ago, the trainer said carers were often surprised to discover what their carees could actually do when left to their own devices for an hour or so a week).

It sounds as if she's either deliberately winding ds up before he comes back to you, or he's just picking up on the very tense atmosphere in the house. Either way, if he's as good as gold once he's out you know you only have to endure it for a few more weeks at most.

Your mum may not have realized what she can accomplish. Living in chronic pain, of course it is easier to have someone else do things, but I have learned myself that some pain does not always mean you are doing harm to yourself. I mean, you don't want her suffering, but she should be encouraged to do some things. Does she have a dishwasher?
I always have pain and I am alone a lot sue to dh working. If her Dyson is causing her pain, she need not use it, there are other lighter options. (besides a housekeeper, which I can't afford, but you bet I would hire someone if I could, even once a month would be a help) If I vacumn, my neck and shoulder will kill me for weeks, end up with neck related migraine and so on. So, I bought an electric broom, it is light as a feather, and works perfectly well on the hardwood and lino. Also have a robot vacumn. If I chop too many veggies, I get tendonitis, so I use an electric food chopper.

Does your mum have a walker or scooter or wheelchair or anything like that? If her home is equipped with grab rails and she has a shower chair and a shower wand with a long hose on it, these things will make everyday stuff easy? Even a raised toilet seat and a hand rail to hold beside it make a big difference. (Ignore if you already know all of this).

That's one of the things that drives me mad Endorphins. After the operation (for a slipped disc..laminectomy) she was walking unaided the next day in the hospital, but we get home and she basically takes to her bed the sofa. We had a month of this, I'm sure she was in pain, but the more she lay there the more things seized up. I ended up helping her to the toilet, helping her shower etc. She had fainting fits which she blamed on the painkiller she was on (enantyum). My friend (who is a trained nurse) kept saying that it was to be expected that she was in some pain but that she had to force herself to move or it would only get worse. But if I suggested helping her walk onto the patio to look at the flowers and then the next day to cross the street she'd act like I'd suggested she run a marathon and call me heartless and say I was calling her lazy. I gave up after a bit and she stayed on the sofa.
She had a follow up appointment about a month or so later and he referred her to physio. This came through about another 3 weeks later and I forced her to go. It really really helped, lovely physio who she saw for an hour every day Mon-Fri for 6 weeks. He gave her a whole load of exercises to do and she did them for a couple of weeks and then it was "too hot" or she was "too sore". She hasn't done them I don't think for almost 2 years.
Any little twinge and it's back on the sofa in front of the tv. Buggered off to the flat and missed her follow up she's been waiting over a year for. I do understand it's scary, the feeling you might put your back out again...but she sometimes really doesn't help herself. But you can't say anything or she goes mad.
She has a walking stick but she only uses it out of the house. She can walk fine round the house and she was gardening the day before yesterday. She steps over the bath to shower herself.
The more I do, the less she does and the more miserable she is and it just goes round and round. She's not that bad physically compared to a lot of people and they manage without hobbling their children's lives. And she's not even NICE to us a lot of the time!

For some reason, some people seem to have no motivation to recover or keep strong. Hmmm. She sounds kind of unhappy, was she ever active or fun loving? Has she dated since your dad has been out of her life? I think you moving may kick start her into maybe meeting more people and learning the language as she gets out here and there. Do you know any single gentlemen of her age? (this was a novel, a kindly widowed gardener would move in next door.) My mother, who is very similar in many ways that you have described, the cold one minute, self pitying, her way is always the right way, never is sorry because nothing she ever does is wrong.... except for she is a go-getter. She has been married 3 times, she is in her 70's (80 next year) and the man upstairs from her wants to marry her. So she is going to move to another city to get away. She always deals with things by dismissing them, holds a grudge, and will not speak to someone for 20 years.

Anyways, maybe you mum would like to meet a man (or woman)...even if she doesn't know it?

Is there a retirement community in the area? Condo's aimed at older persons, that would air conditioned and nice community gardens, pool and that sort of thing? If she doesn't need the larger house, she doesn't have to stay there does she?

@ tribpot, no, obviously badtoworse isn't going to do that, and I wasn't advocating that of course!

However, I have ms and am in pain all the time, but I know If I don't at least try then I get worse and am able to do less. The gradual removal of capabilities is a constant fight in my life. The mum here seems to be revelling in her disability and therefore rendering herself less and less capable, presumably because it makes her daughter - and everyone else - feel more responsible for her and binds them to her more strongly. This is clearly not a good situation for anyone, including the mother herself. It is sad that people who do this don't understand that kindness and love bind people to you more strongly and lermanently than anything else. The more the woman has to do for herself then the better she will be, and (just a guess) the happier as well. Give her a few years of looking after herself, organising her own help etc, she may be transformed and unrecognisable. At least the climate where you are is better for her than cold, miserable, rainy UK!

Badtoworse, you never know, but if you carry on like this and don't give in to her guilt-tripping and other manipulations, you may - just may - end up with having a good relationship with her.

Can barely stay awake, will come back on tmrw morning. I see she's been looking at flymos online.....

I've been thinking about you today as an awful row with my mother made me realise just how totally narcissistic she really is - so like yours. I'm so sure you're doing the right thing even though it's terribly difficult for you.

Stay strong.

I'm sorry to hear about your ms Jux, an old schoolfriend of mine was diagnosed a few years ago, so I know what an awful disease it is. Also sorry to hear you had a nasty row with your mother Hipster and thanks for thinking of me. Do you worry you'll repeat some of the behaviours with your dcs, I do worry about that a bit. Might need to do some extended reading on all this once we've moved house.
This morning she's doing the poor little-look like I might cry any minute-disabled old woman routine. I see she's been changing her double bedding. I nearly offered to help but had DD in my arms and decided it was best to pretend I hadn't seen and avoid any guilt tripping martyrdom.
I wanted to ask you wise people...before all this I was constantly making an effort to cheer her up, include her..make an effort in general. Since this has happened, I'm polite but I don't engage and I avoid her as much as poss. She acts like I'm being a complete spiteful bitch and being actively horrible to her...walks around doing the wounded thing, looks like she might cry at the dinner table (although then is the life and soul of the party with DS which makes me think it's an act) I'm not being spiteful, am I? It's reasonable to withdraw, isn't it?
Also, I was thinking...I've got really down about living here in the last year or so and a lot of it's been because she's never happy and always moaning about something here.. Every time I say I like something or something new has opened, there'll be some snide comment. Like, not a very good example..but: a new asian restaurant opened nearby (not Chinese) and I was saying how exciting and all she could say was it was mad in the current economic climate (it probably won't last, it's a big premises and where another business folded last year...but I digress) and that the people here aren't adventurous enough for that and anyway, raw fish is disgusting.
Since I've detached a bit emotionally from her orbit I'm remembering all the things I used to love about being here. There are things that annoy me, but that's the same anywhere. God, I sound so easily led, but I just mean if someone is always banging on about how crap it all is (and there are some big problems, like DH being out of work) it starts to infect you with the gloom.
Also, although it's all being very stressful, I'm sort of rediscovering DH and in the process, realising how much damage the situation was doing to our marriage without even realising it. I don't know how to explain but we're closer and, by default it makes me realise that things weren't as good as they should have been...there was a distance there somehow. We're more tactile now.
Anyway, it's three kings today so I'm going to go and play with dc and their toys and then we're off out to DH's huge, lovely, loving and mad extended family for lunch and the rest of the day.

I am afraid nothing will make a narc happy, but by god it is your job to do it. And the problem is is that what they want it is irrational. They will be happy of you did this on Sunday and then furious with you for doing it Tuesday.

Eventually it becomes about self preservation. If You continue trying to make this irrational person happy, You will just become this shell of a person who puts everyone else's needs, husband and children in particular below hers. And of course your needs aren't even to be considered.

I glad you are reconnecting again with your hubby.

No you're not being spiteful. You are just naturally protecting yourself from being hurt. Disengaging is the best policy right now. She has shown she is able to do many things without your help. Perhaps you should view it as helping her to get a bit better physically. ...

Im pleased that you and dh are getting closer again. Have a lovely day.

I think it is not only reasonable to withdraw but essential, whilst you are still under the same roof. You are beginning to see how much you have taken a battering by marching entirely to her tune these last years. To try and force yourself to do that now you're aware of the damage it's doing will lead to the confrontation you're wanting to avoid. Far better to withdraw tactically, keep your powder dry, and wait. When you're in your own home, I think you probably will need to spend some time coming round, jollying her along, letting her talk. But it will be more tolerable then because you don't have to live with it. You have a safe haven.

Enjoy the day!

On our way out for bit before going to DH's family at lunchtime. She's doing a bit of passive aggressive window cleaning involving step ladders and mops. Have left her to it.

OP I've been following your story.

My black sense of humour wants to laugh at your latest post. She's pathetic really isn't she? Like something out of a sitcom...a dark and cringey sitcom.

Everything you are doing is right! Hang on in there. xxx

Very interesting post threetoms

That was a brilliant post 3toms and it's been very thought provoking. I think I do most of your things for dealing with DS and, in fact since this started and he's really started playing up more I've found that ignoring as much as poss (without being totally lax) has really worked, as what he's looking for is a reaction, which is funny cos it's quite like her behaviour...he strops (throws things etc) or whines and cries when he's annoyed...shows how childish her behaviour is.
For a while now (before ths nonsense kicked off this time) I've been doing the "once it's over it's over thing...i.e once I've told him off or whatever then that's it, it's forgotten..as if nothing happened..no grudges or guilt trips.
Hardly saw DM yday (deliberately). Went out all morning and left her doing the windows. Came back and was in the house for about 30 mins and then set off for DH's family get together. She looked a bit shocked when I said we were off as I think she thought we'd be at home for lunch and did pathetic act for me. Was still in pathetic mode for me when we came back and super chatty for DS but Dh said she passed him in the hall and he got a stroppy hello.
Hoping to hear something from the agent tmrw about signing and then dreading telling her we're actually going. Bit worried she'll stage an injury and a bit worried about what limits to set and how etc once we go.....don't see the guilt tripping ending any time soon.