My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Oh my word, bad, your mum is arch-manipulator-extraordinary! You have been brilliant and I hope you get into your new house with no problems, and above all, very soon.

You are doing so well, now that you have a clearer view of how your mother's behaviour affects you, and your family. It is so hard to get those scales off the eyes - they've been glued there for so many years. And now they've fallen, it is hard to act on what you see. You are doing really well, and your circumstances are so much harder as you're all under the same roof.

Your brother's attitude is brilliant. Hang onto each other, as you'll need to support him sometime. I think your mum is bound to turn her attentions to him when she figures out that her rubbish is no longer working on you.

Your dh is wonderful. He has been very long-suffering and patient. I imagine he is grinning from ear to ear at the prospect of getting his family back. That is not meant to guilt-trip you, btw. It's just he has been so patient and tolerant, he deserves a big pat on the hug, or perhaps a manly hug!

I hope this doesn't go down like a lead balloon, but I'll risk it. Your mother is hilarious. I kow that you being in the middle of it, and the butt of it, but if this were a friend's mum you'd find her machinations ridiculous and laughable. One thing I kow to be true is that if you laugh things become far less scary. Do you think that if you could just twist your view a bit so that you can see how mad it is - yesterday black was white, and today it's black and I never said it was anything else - if you could just tap into the funny side of it, then I thik a lot of your anxiety, guilt and fear would disappear.

Forgive me if I've been unbelievably crass.

I am sure you will do fine once you're in the new house. Very exciting for your son!

Jux is right, if you can find some way of detaching just a little, to see how this woman is totally batshit crazy and laughable, it will help you through this and alleviate the physical symptoms you are having.

Understand that much shit will be hurled at you, but that it's all for nothing, and you will get through it all.

You are so lucky to have so many that understand you, your H, you DB, us. It's so different when you are all alone, as I am sure you can imagine.

In a short while, you and your family will be in your own space, and she will be perfectly OK in her home.

Now, remind me again, are you supposed to tell your cousins that the house will be all but empty, and that DM will be all on her own and in need of company every school holiday, random weekends, etc?, cos I have a shocking memory and couldn't remember if you were to keep schtum, or broadcast it....

Thanks Jux and Hiss I do my best to do that and when I'm feeling stronger it works and then when I'm tired or a bit worried about the hugeness of it all, it seems so pathetic and I feel a bit sorry for her and I doubt myself.
I have to remind myself that I didn't start this and all I've done is say I didn't want to talk about it..she's the one who created a whole row and then stormed off and still hasn't apologised for any of it, except a half hearted apology for calling me a bitch. And anyway...she'll do it again. The more she does (to spite me or make me feel guilty and because she's in a rage) like ordering the wood, asking for the hoover, prepping a cake, making bread, storming off, throwing out rubbish and rugs and shiftig piles of books around...the more I think, bloody hell...she's not that incapable!
It's easier when I'm angry. and it's right...once you've seen what's going on you can't unsee it...once those scales have gone, there's no going back.
It's just difficult the length of time it's all taking to actually leave. Should have looked for flats as soon as she left but I was just so shell-shocked.
was talking to DH and remembering another fight, when Ds was born. We lived in our house then, but she came up to stay when he was born. When he was about 5 weeks or so he was v colicky and was screaming and screaming one evening while we were trying to eat. DH said something innocuous like...he looks like he's really angry (he did, all scrunched up and purple). I maybe mistranslated it a bit but then explained, but anyway this turned into this enormous row with her saying he was being awful about his son...ended up with her storming off home and me sobbing, begging her not to leave like that. She went. Things calmed down. But honestly, it was all over nothing and against DH again.
Then there was the one when we were selling the house, the one when DD was 8 wks, Sept and now and I'm sure there have been more.

Aw Bad - I hate having to call you that! - now that your mind has fully opened to all the abuse, it is inevitable that it will make you angry. This is what you need though.......to keep fuelling that anger, so that you can finally reclaim your life. Of course you will have little blips, where you doubt yourself, because you are a caring person, and are imagining how YOU would be feeling. This is not a traditional, caring mother though, and, believe me, her every action at present, is designed to try to bring you to heel. It will take having distance between you, before you will get a better handle on your emotions. Try to be patient until everything is sorted. Spend as little time as possible with her. It won`t be long now. Take my hand.

Bad she's turned you into a teenager again
It's not healthy to live with your parents once you're an adult, it very rarely works. Concentrate on packing up your stuff and looking forward to having your little family to yourself again

I couldn't agree more, we are totally alien to these people. Their behaviour/treatment of us/others is so heinous that we think WOW, She must REALLY hate me to do this. Cos for ME to do what she did I would have to want that person DEAD.

When I came to the end of my abusive relationship, I had all this stuff to think through, and then when I realised just how abusive/rubbish my own family are/had been, I had to go through it all again.

Getting rid of the Ex was a BREEZE in comparison to dealing with the family stuff. I'll state here that I was again alone in all of this, eventually had a therapist, and Stately Homes thread, but day to day, I was alone. It was hard.

I felt a roller coaster of emotions; days where I wanted to rant and scream and fume about the injustice of it all, and days where I just felt so hollow, unloved and unworthy.

The anger and sadness is normal, it will pass. We are entitled to feel it, to express it and to own it. We earned that hurt. Feel it, process it and then let it go. Repeat as necessary.

We have to dig deep and remind ourselves that no matter the thought that comes into our head that it wasn't OUR FAULT. Look at our babies and imagine saying/doing the things that are done to us... IMPOSSIBLE. So THIS is our proof that it's all about them and their inadequacies.

I lost the 10 year relationship, I then lost my family. Had I not had the abusive ex, perhaps I'd have never discovered the faults of my family. Had I not had a faulty family, I'd more than likely not have been in an abusive relationship in the first place. TBH, I'm not sure who I'm more angry at. Losing the family hurts more, but it's them that made things impossible to continue. I feel better with them mostly out of my life.

I remind myself that I never fit in with them, and this is why they had to continually clip my wings. It was down to their insecurities, their fear that I would 'show them up' by being greater than they are. What bollocks! I want my son to fly, to soar, to make me look a total dunce, a nothing and a no-body in comparison to what I achieved in my life. Who in their right mind would want to hobble their own child?

None of this is about us at all. None of this is a reflection of us. Please keep this in your head at all times. Cling to it, it's the truth.

Love and respect Hiss. .x.

Aww, Hiss I'm so sorry you went thru all that with exH and then your family too. I understand what you mean about it almost being harder when it's your family. I find it hard to feel I'm hurting my mum but hard to believe what she's doing to someone she claims to love. I just sent this to DB:
She's baked a fruit cake today. Said she hasn't done the bread for a while as she threw away a bit that had gone all green "so it obviously wasn't welcome" or some other such self pitying martyr nonsense. It's always the same, she decides she's going to do these things, then if you're not CONSTANTLY bowing down in gratitude she gets the hump. So I said I've had other things on my mind or something and she said I was having a go. Drives me mad.
and his response was:
And still no apology I take it, she used to keep this up with me for weeks, even if I had apologised sometimes.
Was talking to MIL about it today and she says she thinks DM is jealous of DH. I have to agree. It's like she wants to be the other spouse, the head of the household and that's why her rage is directed against him...for getting in the way.

Love, I didn't mean for you to feel sorry for me, more to take that your feelings, the see-sawing and the strong/weak feeling is totally natural.

Disengage, detach, and listen to those outside the dynamic. They have nothing to gain, they are only offering support. If you can try not to focus on it, to gain distance and clarity, it will help. I know your brain is swirling, but it will keep doing so, until you focus it on something tangible outside the maelstrom that is your current situation.

I know your DB wants to help, but it might be more constructive to focus on what needs to come next; you'll have plenty of time to pick over the bones of this insanity, once you're out.

Getting sucked back in can paralyse you a little.

You are very wise Hiss. I still feel a bit like I'm living in a parallel universe, as if someone might at any time tell me they think I'm doing something terrible and everything will all come crashing down around my ears. Or that I'll suddenly think of something she can't do for herself and it'll mean I won't be able to leave and I'll have to apologise and stay forever....silliness like that. Is that normal?

Or that someone will say...actually your DH is a twat and your mum was right all along. But, like you say...people outside the dynamic who I've had to tell...I just say she involves herself in childrearing and gets btw DH and me and tells us we're doing it wrong and everyone always looks horrified and says it's not on...her house or not. MIL said it'd end in divorce if a stop wasn't put to it. But I still sometimes worry if we're at fault too. I suppose I've had a lot of training for that.

The important thing is to be confident in yourself that what you're doing is the right thing for you and your DH and dc. There will be dark moments ahead where you will only be able to go on your own beliefs, so they need to be strong.

If you find something she can't do for herself - she buys that help in.

Someone says - your mum is right. You tell them they haven't walked in your shoes and you're happy you've made the right choice.

It's not really a question of fault. You are choosing to live elsewhere - you don't need a reason to.

If there really is something she can't do for herself, it'll be easy to arrange for someone to come in and do it for her. If she refuses that, then she can either do it herself after all, or she doesn't really want it done, OR she wants you to do it - which is the dangerous one, as you can bet your bottom dollar that once you're in her house on your own doing something for her, you won't get out quickly.

So what if your dh turns out to be a twat? You'd have had a good shot at happiness with your own family and if it doesn't work out in the long run, it'll be between the pair of you, and not engineered by a third party for their own ends.

I agree with the person who said that she wants to be head of the family, the other parent. She sees your dh as getting in between you and her, and thinks that your primary relationship should be with her. There are mothers who think their children should always put them first, before all others, and can get very unpleasant and resentful when their idea of how things should be is not reflected in reality.

She may transfer this expectation onto your children. And here I really do think the best resistance is laughter. Again, this may come across as horrible, but sometimes good old fashioned laughter or a "silly old X" is the gentlest way of showing children that they don't need to take someone's pov too seriously, and limit quite a lot of damage. I did it with my MIL in the end, there was no other defence - well, I'd tried lots of other ways, and was losing the battle. Once I could just either laugh at some of the things had been said, or respond with "silly old gm" everything got better. DD stopped worrying about the nonsense she was being fed, so then I stopped worrying about it, and then dh didn't even need to enter the equation.

As it is, years on, dd and gm absolutely adore each other, have a fab relationship and I have no worries when dd goes to stay with her. (Truthfully, that's as of 2 years ago; MIL is completely demented now which is tragic. There are only two people she always remembers and recognises, one is her husband and the other is dd.)

Please don't worry about your decision. This is your life. You are not an extension of your mother.

Keep going op. she is more than capable. My two brothers and I know of mum ever needed in home help, none of us would help her. She has caused that dynamic and we are getting over the guilt. Her favourite saying for other people is 'you reap what you sow'. Although in classic narc, that does not apply to her.

I also wouldn't be surprised that when you are out, and have a little down time, you will start realizing and remembering more of what she has done. The comments, the accusations and the fights will come to you at weird times and you will see them differently. You will look at a situation and change how you interperate it. And you will realise more and more the hurt and damage she has done.

That is my experience (random events from years ago wil have a whole new meaning to sort out) and i am angry that she could do that to me. I am working to indifference.

OP, I'm a long time lurker but just wanted to pipe up and add my support.

Hang on in there. The new place will be ready soon and you,re doing what is right for YOUR family. My mum is very similar and I really relate to be made to feel guilty about putting myself/DH/DC first. My DM is another one who wants to be head of the family (and centre of attention all the time).

When you're feeling wobbly, just remember what you'd want for your own DC in their adult live and in these circus- to teach them to be independent, to look after themselves and to live their own lives. You're doing the right thing. And if in doubt, remember how much brighter you say your husband is. and it sounds like your relationship w your DB is brilliant- hang on tight to that, and the truth that's coming out as you and he talk, esp when you're feeling off.

Having a crap day today

Is it because you're all rattling around the house? (i.e. you can't be getting on with things connected with moving out).

Can you go out for the day?

Sorry you're having a down day. You're doing a major readjustment of your life balance and it's inevitable that the scale pans will wobble a bit before they settle to a more even balance.

Now I'm going to project a lot and make a wild and random suggestion (feel fee to ignore)...

Would it be fair to guess that you are going to be having to readjust the relationship with your dh a bit as well? I know that the daily niggles of living with a partner, however lovely they may be, can drive even a saint mad, especially with babies added into the mix. You've had a constant ally in your mum, who has always been ready to snatch onto your every little moan or minor grumble and add in her hap'orth of bile. She was always ready to sympathise with you and pull you into a conspiracy of 'us against him'. It can be so tempting to allow this type of 'support'.

Now you're having to cut yourself off from that comfortable but toxic ally against dh, so you may be feeling quite exposed and alone. Your normal grumbles about dh are now your own grumbles to sort out with him, and him alone. But that's so much healthier and better for both of you (and your dcs) than having your dm sitting in the middle.

Keep strong, Bad. You are doing the right thing. It will be tough and then it will be better. Much much better.

Just checking in to see how you are doing, sorry to read you are having a shitty day. Tomorrow is the start of a new year, and a new beginning for you and your little family so I am sending you every best wish and hopefully things will pick up for you soon, as you so deserve.

2013 is my power year. And im betting it will be yours too.

Sorry the last day of 2012 is horrible but it will get better

Thinking of you today bad. Just hang in there. Doing it differently is hard at first but you're doing the right thing for you, your DH and your DC.

Im sorry that you are having a bad day today. You have been so amazing these last couple of weeks that one bad day is to be expected. Just remember that it is going to get better. Stay strong. We are all here for you.

Hello,

It has been a shitty day...kids playing up, especially DS, who's been a right little bugger today, kicking and hitting his little sister, shouting and being generally difficult, exceppt for Dm, when he behaves delightfully. Just felt so tired of it all, and so down about how much has gone on and how long it's been going on. I'm so tired physically and emotionally. Just felt at the end of my tether. Also, my good friend's husband died on NYE last year, so was thinking of her. Then, heard that DH's best friend's mum had died last night so DH went off to the crematorium at lunchtime. We knew she was dying of cancer, but feel so sorry for poor DH's friend (he was one of the witnesses at our wedding and his mum was like a 2nd mum to DH).
Then, total meltdown from DS at bedtime and then DM says she's accidentally downloaded spyware onto her pc and starts crying that she can't send my uncle an e mail at xmas because she can't find hotmail. told her to type it in the address bar and she seems to have calmed down a bit, but then complains she's too old for computers and too stupd...(subtext: you can't leave me I can't cope with a computer...I won't be able to shop online.)
I am SICK to the back teeth of all this shite. Sick of it.
I hope you all have a nice NYE and here's wishing for a better 2013, because, quite frankly the end of 2012 has been fucking horrible.

Oh honey. I have a feeling 2013 will be lovely for you, I really do.

Sorry you're having an awful day.

This time last year I was a different person. Scared, but I knew I had great leaps to make.Well I made them, and am happier and emotionally healthier than I've ever been in my life.Sure there's been some heart breaking moments; realising family were not who I thought they were, and realising I'd be better off without them, but now I'm back on the right path for me.I'm working, making ends meet, just about. Am no longer scared of going outside, I'm datinga gorgeous, kind and wonderful man, my ds is well, happy and growing in confidence every day. My ex no longer scares me.Watch the space you're in OP, it gets EVEN better love, and Mumsnet will cheer you on with every character you tap onto the screen!Well done you. Keep on keeping on!

this was posted elsewhere, but itapplies to you too. (plus my phone can't post on too big a thread, and my tablet seems terminal!)

embrace 2013, as scary as it looks from this end of it... you wont be disappointed.