My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Just popping in to check up...you are really doing so well.

more like she doesnt want people to know that she has managed to drive you out as well...........
sounds a wonderful flat btw, and close to DS friend sounds a good selling point for him.

You are doing brilliantly. Hang in there. The 425 flat sounds gorgeous - and has so many plus points - when you tell DS won't he be thrilled that his best friend lives on the same street?! I think that should sell it to him.

How is DH in all of this?

New place sounds lovely

The house is v nice. Had a bit of a wobble this afternoon as I really hate causing someone pain and altho she has been a right cow, she is my mother and I love her. I worry that maybe I'm being too gung-ho and she won't manage on her own and then I have to remind myself of the rage she got in because I wouldn't back down and join in her slagging of DH and all the things she has proved herself capable of, as well as the really horrible things she said about both DH and me to my DB.
Things would be easier if we could just pack a suitcase and leave tmrw, it's all the waiting around and dragging things out that is hard. But it'll be a while as we have to sign a lease, clean the new house, organise water/electricity and pack up and move and buy fridge/washing machine etc.
DH seems to have got some of his mojo back and is reminding me that I'm not a terrible person but that I have to be firm now or live forever always wondering when the next blow up will be and over what. He keeps saying.."we'll be happy in the new place, we'll be Ok". more and more I realise how beaten down he was by it all. Maybe he was a bit crap about some things but it must have been sucking the life-blood out of him to live in his MIL's house, knowing she thought he was a useless lump.
She's still never apologised you know.....there are just these repeated attempts to make me feel bad about "my treatment of her". You'd think I was going to outer mongolia, not 5 mins walk away. And I've said over and over, I'll still be there, we can see each other, I just can't live under the same roof. I know she's frightened and upset, but I wish she could calm down a bit and stop the melodrama and guilt tripping.
Dh's mum, my lovely MIL phoned and was worried about me and wished she could just give me a big hug and told me she loves me very much.

Your DH sounds like a wise man. You are NOT a terrible person, you are just trying to stand up for yourself and not let a selfish family member bully you or treat you like crap.

It feels a bit weird talking to a sympathetic MIL about how much your mum is upsetting you - I do this every so often and it really feels like the positions should be reversed somehow! It's good that you do have a lovely MIL though. Hopefully that will be a bit of a comfort. Does your mum know you get on well with them? Is she jealous of that relationship at all? Mine is, a bit. Sad but predictable.

Glad that you have decided to go for the 425 flat. Am , it sounds lush!

yep, she doesn't want you to tell the cousins because they will ask why and she'll be embarrassed!

Send "new address" cards. Sod her, it's not her choice who you do and do not send your address details to!

Hello Herrena....the 425 house is very nice for the money. There's a flat next door for the same money (same owners) which I actually liked better but the flat doesn't have a bath, just a shower and other things, like slightly more awkward parking make the house a better bet.
My DM isn't exactly jealous of my PILs but is always "slagging" them off as DB put it. Thinks the way they do things or decisions they make are stupid (some are, but she sometimes overly bothered by it).
Bullying is the word DB used to talk about DM's treatment of DH...said she'd been doing it for years.
Just done a simulation of an online shop to put my mind at rest and it's really easy. Also, she obviously can drive short distances (in fact DH pointed out that she was very proud of herself that she had driven 10 mins to the next village when we went away for a wk in June to the supermarket and had bought a bottle of wine and some fruit) and there is a supermarket (2 actually, different chains) that she knows and likes where you can do the shop and then leave the trolley full there, they pack it up and deliver it for you. All supermarkets except tiny ones do that here. She could manage that much of the language too, especially with a little planning.

Ah, I see about the house - got confused!

When I say my mother gets jealous, it's not so much that she is jealous of the other person but that she is jealous of the affection I am showing to them IYSWIM. This was is portrayed by her getting really angry and professing to be hurt if I praised them at all. Anyway, I am glad to hear your DM doesn't overtly do this. Her slagging them off to your DB may be a symptom of it, or alternatively maybe she just likes to complain. Who knows?!

Sounds like she could easily manage without your help,if she chooses to. I fear she may decide to play it helpless at the start though. Stand firm and resist pleas for you to come over and fix whatever she's deliberately broken needs fixing. Leave her the number of a good english-speaking handyman if needs be

It's more that I'll joke about something elderly mil has said about child rearing for example and she'll join in but be more critical and sort of a bit jeering and superior iyswim. I always seem to end up saying something like "yes they have funny ideas about some things but they're lovely" and she'll be like "oh yes of course".......

No eng speaking handymen but we do use a really great guy locally, who is a bit hard to understand but she knows him and likes him and anyway I'll only be round the corner. Just have to not wobble and get thru next wk or so. Been trying to clear out paper work a bit. Feel more in control (in short bursts) than I have in yrs. Was really proud of myself for doing (even a bit of a basic) xmas dinner myself. Need to cut the apron strings once and for all.

Well that just indicates that you're a nicer person than your mum is, but we already knew that :)

It's great that you're feeling more in control. You're justified in feeling proud for having prepped Xmas dinner, I've never done it myself and the prospect scares me frankly.... little steps can take you a long way - just keep going. You can do this!

Even if your DH could hack it long term (and god knows the man deserves a medal), if she really is favouring your ds over your dd it is much better to remove them from that direct influence before your dd is old enough to notice. And you yourself, badtoworse - you're trying to hold things together with both hands. You would have a fair degree of stress and responsibility even without your mum to contend with. You can't go on like that, for your own sanity.

She will be OK Badtoworse and you are doing the right thing. My Mum is in a much worse state, can hardly walk and probably has early stage dementia. She has carers in once a day for her legs but your Mum doesn't have those issues. Cleaner comes once a week which is fine and Mum just about does her own washing. She has been managing Internet shops until recently. My 86 year old frail FIL with Parkinson's, diabetes, hearing loss is doing just fine on his own in Javea.

You did a post further back about all the things she has managed to do recently, she really is very able in the scheme of things and financially in a good position. Send your change of address cards as you usually would. Her asking you not to tell people isn't normal behaviour, don't dance to her tune on that one.

It must be very stressful waiting but it won't be long until your family are installed in your own home and you can focus on them properly without interference from your Mum. Your DH and PIL sound lovely

Horrible atmosphere again today. DS being v stroppy and defiant.

Your son is noticing that there are changes in the air and is reacting -- children are very conservative and dislike change, even if the situation is not that good, because it's what they know and are used to (come to think of it, like most grownups).

You're doing the right thing. Things will get much better sooner than you think. Keep that in mind when it gets tough.

also kids can get stroppy when there has been a change to routine, and Christmas holidays - everyone home, no nursery or friends to see, plus the to and fro ing with all the crazy mother stuff will all add into the mix. Its only a short term blip, everything will settle down OK

Stop the press, she phoned up and ordered the firewood herself while we were out this morning! Has been asking about shop opening times over the holidays too.

It's swim or sink, and she's not about to drown.

How does your dh feel about it all Bad? Is he relieved to be moving or is he a bit reluctant to express an opinion in case he causes more friction? He sounds very nice.

slambang He can't wait! He keeps making a mental note (outloud) about stuff that's ours to take.."that chopping board we bought that in ikea....I like that board and your DM never uses it" etc.
Today has been weird. She was angry this morning and asked in a stroppy way for me to ring for more firewood next week and to get her some more firelighters next time I was in the village. I just said yes, fine. Then, we went out for a bit with the kids and when we came back she said she'd ordered the firewood. She was asking about shop opening hours at lunch and asking after an ikea catalogue. She's been really quite friendly since then, almost as if nothing has happened...was telling me about that girl who has just been returned from Pakistan after being abducted 3 yrs ago. Most odd. I don't know if she feels really pleased with herself for ordering the wood, or she's hoping we're not moving and things will calm down if she pretends nothing's happened or she's got something else planned.

I should be clearing more of my paperwork mountain that I started on last night but I'm so tired. I've got a burst vein or something in one eye, so I look really shit....greying hair, no make up and red eyes. Sore throat lingers on.

Given the stress you're under, badtoworse, it's amazing you're still upright. Looking like Penelope Cruz as well is probably not a realistic aim

Be guarded about today's development but don't overthink them, would be my advice. You could drive yourself nuts trying to anticipate what each day's mood (or indeed moods) will be. You've managed most of the spectrum in the last week so you know you can adjust to whatever is thrown at you that day - for as long as you have to go through this. Don't mention the firewood, just breeze through.

I'm upstairs and I can hear her crashing around in the kitchen now...I think she's cooking.

Just been downstairs after lurking up here all evening and it looks like she been prepping stuff to make a cake with DS (they do that sometimes) and she's put the breadmaker on. Said to her I was going to bed and she replied "ah well, good night then" in right stroppy tone, so I think she thought maybe if she was friendly I'd back down and say it was all OK.