My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Going to see a 3 bed with bath for 390 and no agent's fee tmrw. About 2 min walk from this house.

she is saying you are accusing her of lying (which you havent) because she probably HAS been lying all these years

Tbf, I'm not sure she's been out and out lying..I just think she's got herself into such a victim mentality and on such a downward spiral and it becomes circular. Also, the more dependant she is, the more she clings to me and the less she goes out, the more isolated she becomes. She doesn't realise what she can do, then she got FUCKING ANGRY and that anger powered her down to the flat etc. I think it would do her good to have to get out and about a bit more. If this flat tmrw is OK, it's so close, she could almost see it from this house so it's not like I'm abandoning her.

Somewhere not too deep down, she KNOWS that she is lying (if you live in Spain, you'll be familiar with the expression "tener mucho cuento"). That's why she is enraged if you don't buy into the fantasy wholesale -- she feels questioned even if you aren't questioning anything because she knows that the whole thing is overblown.

She can only be happy if she wants to be. And she's not particularly interested in being happy -- being unhappy is so much more comfortable for her. And there's nothing you can do about that, I'm afraid. Don't let he ruin your life (as well as your husband's and your children's lives).

(By the way, I think you're being amazingly strong and intelligent. I keep wanting to cheer you from the sidelines).

(By the way, I think you're being amazingly strong and intelligent. I keep wanting to cheer you from the sidelines).

^^This, very much.

Well done op.

Keep going. I would also start hinting, that even if you live 2 mins down the road. You won't be in every day to do stuff for her. Be careful how much interaction you promise her now just to shut her up.

Maybe I will come round once a week or something you are happy with. Soon she will change tact and start trying to control that to.

I think deep down she knows she's got too pathetic and dependant. The few times I've managed to get her out, like she came xmas present shopping for dcs with me just before all this, or when DB comes I can usually persuade her to walk down the road to a nice bar with us for lunch and we go 2 mins away by car for a picnic. She always says how much she's enjoyed it and quite often seems surprised that she's walking a bit better etc.
I think also she's really annoyed with herself that in a rage she's blown her cover..even if she doesn't realise it.

She tries to make out that I'm misunderstanding it but the facts are:

She went upstairs (supposedly this is difficult for her), packed 2 ikea bags and carried them down and then set off in the car with the bags, a walking stick and a 6 pack of uht milk.

She drove 90 mins to the beach (she claims it took her 3 hrs, the it's the same difference...she can drive 90 mins or 3 hrs)

She stayed there for 4 days and then drove back.

When she got back she went and sat on the pc (supposedly difficult for her), unpacked her bags, showered, lit the fire and sat watching tv all afternoon. And put some washing on.

She has since cleared out a bag of rubbish and a large rug and carried them across the road to the bins.

Before she left she walked 5 mins to the pharmacy and then back and then 10 mins (partly uphill) to the bank and had the energy then to pack her bags and drive for 90 mins.

On xmas Eve she pointedly cooked her own lunch..admitedly it was just microwaved salmon, but stil....

This woman can live alone, with a cleaner coming in...right?

She's been caught out on that so it's all "I can't buy a bra" nonsense. "I'm afraid to be alone at night".

Thank you for saying I'm strong...I don't feel it. I have flashes of it and then sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by it all and all the nonsense (and physical work of moving, cleaning etc) still to come. I'm exhausted and I have a sore throat. This has been going on for over 2 weeks... one of those weeks was the last week of term. These are my holidays, I was supposed to be enjoying them with the kids..it's one of the perks of my job, that I get 18 days at xmas and I've spent it wading through this shit and it's not finished yet.
We were going to go to a nativity scene (they're big here) with live animals at a farm nearby just before xmas but it all got forgotten in the maelstrom. Sorry, small self-pitying whinge there.

Going to see the 390 flat today. Fingers crossed.

Should I show her how to online shop...? I know you're all going to say no.

Aussie yes, DB said "she would start trying to "winkle her way back in" after we'd moved.
Distance yes, overblown is the word, rather than that she's faking or lying as such. It suits her to exaggerate...i.e the dry eye syndrome..I'm sure it's deeply unpleasant but plenty of people have it, it doesn't mean you can't live 2 mins from your daughter.

With the online shopping, I would be wary of showing her that right now as the danger is she will deliberately fail to learn what to do, to try and make you worry that she can't cope. She sounds like she's quite handy with the pc from the amount you say she uses it, but will it turn in to 'oh I can't get the hang of it.... I will just have to starve...' type drama if you try teaching her now?

No don't show her the online shopping. She will be determined 'not to get it' so that you feel the need to still help her etc - especially if you are only 2 mins away.

I hope you do realise how strong you are and much clarity you have got now about everything - reading the list of everything that she can do/has done shows firmly that you have not misunderstood anything at all. She has just shown you her cards.

I'm sorry about your holiday, but try looking on it as an investment in time rather than a waste. Living with your mother just isn't working for most of you (and in some ways not even for her). You're looking for as painless a way as possible of regaining your family's independence without dumping her in the shit. OK, it's more trouble even than house moves usually are because she's putting up a fight; but when you have your own little place, funded by yourselves, where your DH can blow his nose without some harpy chewing his head off and your jointly agreed parenting rules are respected, you will be a whole lot happier even allowing for the major guilt trip beaming at you from up the road. It will all be worth it in hindsight.

You sound as if you are in need of more hugs sweetie, so take these.

If you really like this flat today fine, but quite frankly Id feel happier if you were just a tiny bit further away. You will have to fix strong boundaries, and Im sure once you have your own place, you will feel able to do that. You need to keep in mind that getting away is only the first step. She will still attempt to exert control, but by moving out, you are showing her that you will not be taking it any longer. Of course, you don`t feel strong, You have had an horrendous few weeks, a shit Christmas, your health is starting to be affected. Focus on what you have done though, and you will realise that you have been quite amazing. I feel so proud of you, and we are strangers.

As for the shopping - as with anything else - wait for her to ask, then by all meanshow her. You are still in "sorting her out" mode. You`ve just shown in your last post that she is quite cpable of sorting herself out. Her problem is that she wants to sort you and your family as well.

Ill be thinking of you today, and dont be afraid to spend a little of your money. I sense that your mother`s constant banging on about saving has impacted on you over the years, making you afraid to enjoy what is yours.

Flat was ok but for only a 35 euro difference not a patch on the 425 house. Flat was quite old and had a tiny kitchen and bath and then terrifying metal stairs up to the rooftop where I'd have to hang the clothes to dry. House is more expensive cos I'd need to buy a fridge a washer dryer and table and chairs....altho have seen a perfectly nice table and chairs in ikea for only 80 euro table and 4 chairs. Still feeling guilty...meeting friend today will try to talk to DB too.

sounds like the 425 one ticks all the boxes, and even if its for a short time I think I would start moving on that one, you have referred to it several times. Its a good time to buy stuff as I am sure the sales are on. dont feel guilty. she should feel guilty for making you have to make these choices, but she doesnt. she feels entitled, and you have shown with your list that she is quite capable
she said in her own words - she doesnt WANT to , and doesnt see why she should - she thinks you are there to skivvy for her - who made her a member of royalty?? what would happen if she didnt have any kids, or they all lived miles away? she would have to cope.

I hope you know and remember that you are a good daughter. You have put her first for a long time now, and now its time to be kind to yourself. Please also remember that you are not abandoning her, you will still be there for her. The only difference is you won't be living on top of each other. Once you make the move, I really feel that your mother will be happier too. As you say when she gets a bit of a push e.g. going for the picnic / walk up the road she is delighted with herself, and surprised she enjoyed it. When you move out and she realises the world won't end, she can look forward to your visits, rather than being stuck in each others pockets all the time.

Have told the agent we'd like to take the house and now feeling really awful about having to tell her. Not sure when to tell her, it's all so complicated as everythign will stop now til about next wednesday because of the holidays. The agent's going to send me a form to fill in so hopefully we'd have the keys be about Wednesday and will have to organise a move and buy fridge, washer/dryer etc. Might have to manage without for a few days or hold off moving til I've got those things in...wish we could just pack a suitcase and leave. Then, I'll be back at work again...so much for a Christmas break.
I've felt really teary since making the decision on the house...wish I didn't have to do this, but she'll never apologise and if I did (for what??), but if I did to keep the peace, she'll punish me forever..she already clearly hates DH.
Wise MNers...I'm worried about how DS will take it. What should I tell him and when? How should I word it? I guess I'll tell her once I've got the keys and know more or less about removals.

Spoke to the agent again and he needs a copy of my contract and my last 2 payslips, so not going to say anything to her until it's all sorted.

please take the 425 flat. please hget out of there. the emotional blackmail and manipulation with escalate until you leave or back down. If you back down now you may never get the courage to go this far again.
She can manage perfectly well on her own.

Your family need to be independent and away from her direct influence. you need a chance to be happy and content with your dh.

please take the flat and get out of that house as soon as you possibly can

Is it the 425 one? Either sounds great.

I'd tell ds in as positive while matter of fact way as possible. Try not to make it an emotional issue as your dm will obviously be ratcheting up the drama enough for everybody.

So, 'Ds we have good news. We are going to get a new house all of our own. it will be lovely. We will still live near dgm as see her often. All your toys will be coming too. Isn't that great? Now lets go to the park and ride your new bike.'

I agree it would be best to wait until everything is all signed, sealed and delivered. Tell the little one just before you tell your mother, making it into a big adventure for him. Don`t go into lots of detail with him, only answer questions he asks, and always about how great it is going to be, lots of room to play with his toys. Tell your mother immediately afterwards, but if she starts to create, let her know that you will NOT stand for your children witnessing her histrionics. Remind her that she has known it was happening, and is not being abandoned.

I have loved the sound of the 425 house from the beginning? I have a good feeling about it.

in all matters when dealing with those with abusive tendancies, the key is not to panic. never panic.

wait until all your 'i's are dotted, then work out and plan what your official statement is, prepare it, don't deviate.

Agree, wait until it's a done deal. Tell your DS that he's going to have an exciting new bedroom!

when the time comes, tell your ds in an excited, up beat and happy way. keep him away from your dm, or she'll weep and wail.

remember, normal parents would be happy that you're doing a positive thing for your family.

The 425 house is on a reasonably quiet street, 3 mins walk to DS' primary school and 5 mins the other way to nursery. It's right in the middle of the village. You walk in to lounge with full sized window to the street, big ish kitchen off to the right with room for table and chairs and shower room and loo next to that. Upstairs are 3 bedrooms, all ok sizes with balconies and lots of light plus bathroom with bath. Then up another floor to the area big enough for washer/dryer (and powerpoint and plumbing for it), through the door onto the rooftop. There's a small patio through from the kitchen, with space to park the car, altho parking is no problem anyway. It's the same street as DS' best friend.
Saw 2 dead roaches but that's par for the course here and I use a great guy to fumigate this house, he's cheap, so I'll get him to come out.
DM asked at lunch for me not to let my cousins in the UK know about moving out as she doesn't want them thinking there's room to stay in thsi house now (she's always been a bit funny about them coming to stay). I said OK. Every day there's some little dig.