My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Went out in the afternoon and came back to give kids their tea. Had primed DS there'd be no tv,but he runs straight in and ask her if he can watch tv. She obviously says ask your mother so he calls out can he watch tv. Isad, no we've had enough tv for today. I said to her (I know I shouldn't) "I'm not punishing anyone, he's seen plenty of tv for one day". She said, "I wasn't saying anything was wrong with that", all nice as pie and calm..this is from the woman who wanted to kill herself last night.
So we sat in the dining room and they ate tea while I read them stories, so she can't complain about that, well see can..but anyway.
DS has been really quite shouty and defiant and pushing people, really trying to get a reaction, especially from DH. Really made me think..when she's saying there's tension and shouting at bedtime, it's because there'a an atmosphere permanently cos DH feels judged all the time and DS picks up on it. Living here will destroy DS and DH's relationship over time.
Tomorrow we're going to the PILs for lunch. Not sure what to tell them, will be difficult with little ears listening.
I know what she trying..she's pretending nothing's ever happened, without actually saying sorry and hoping I'll just be so tired of it all, that if she's on her best (pathetic) behaviour over Christmas I'll just let it all blow over.
I am avoiding her tomorrow...lunch is out and then I'm going to cobble together a dinner for xmas day, but she's not helping with the cooking. Will be civil over the food and then avoid all afternoon. Will attempt to see flats Boxing Day. Thinking if nothing much doing then might even go for the 425 flat and move again after a year. It's a bit expensive but at least we'd be out. If at all poss I'd like to move before the 8th when I'm back to work...although that's pushing it as I'd need a removal arranged to buy a bed for DS, a fridge freezer and washing machine..all over the festive period.
Come on..stiffen my resolve. I can do this...she'll only get worse, she'll be OK on her own and I'm right to do this. Right?

Hi Bad
I've been following you and you sound so strong. Wow! But am I the only one wondering if it would be easier on you all if you did let ds watch her tv, eat your christmas dinner with her and keep it grown up and civil just until you can get out?

Hopefully things will pan out that you will move out and have your own place fairly close by so eventually you can keep away from her manipulation when you need space but also keep an eye and help her when she genuinely does need support. And she can keep her positive relationship with your ds on your terms.

I would be up front and blunt. Tell her exactly what you're planning and why. It's not working for you and you feel it best for your marriage that you leave as soon as possible. But also until you can find a flat point out that for ds's sake you want to keep things as normal and friendly as possible. Why shouldn't ds watch her tv if he wants to? Why shouldn't you sit down together and eat christmas dinner? If that's what would be best for ds, do it as adults.

Take absolutley no crap from her. Do not be swayed into feeling guilt, pity or anger. Just be polite, friendly and calm while you make your plans as quickly and smoothly as possible.

Happy christmas

I am not convinced about the tv thing...he watches too much anyway and She's used it against me before. But I will do xmas lunch and be polite. She knows we're leaving.

Yes keep your resolve and your plan. If you seem time waiver then she will jump on it and exploit your feelings for all its worth. Stay strong. You are doing so well under difficult circumstances...but it's not foreverif you take back control.

Why do you say that it will hurt your PILs terribly? I can understand them being upset about the fact that you're having difficulties and that their DH is being undermined in his own home, but surely they'd be more upset if the situation were allowed to continue. Plus I think your DH wouldn't be human if he hadn't mentioned his, ahem, difficult MIL occasionally. They may not be that surprised.

Does your country have anything like Freecycle? A local ads board in the supermarket? I'm trying to think of where you might get home appliances/furniture in a hurry. Actually this is another area where the PILs could come in handy.... they might know someone who can help.

You are absolutely 100% right to be doing this - never doubt that! It's not like she's apologised, after all

Doing a great job op. I dont think you should let him watch tv. It may make her think she is winning and she will up the ante and you can already she how she has negatively affect DS that I wouldn't let him alone with her.

She is like a very cleaver toddler. Pushing every button until they find one that gets them their way.

You should do what is best for you regarding christmas. Can you go to your pils Christmas dinner?

Woken up again this morning feeling like I'm going to vomit. Going to PILs today and then going to do a cobbled together xmas dinner (turkey crown from friend, potatoes, carrots, sausages and packet stuffing). Going to be polite and she can see children, give them presents etc. Weather's good so will use that as excuse to go out morning and afternoon to try out their presents from me and their dad (bicycle and tricycle).
Spoke to DB who says he's 100% behind me. I think if she speaks to her he may say it's between her and me, and I understand that, although I hope it doesn't make her think she's right...but then she always will, won't she?
Friend was saying again she thinks DM favours DS over DD. I said maybe it was just their ages..that DS chats and has stories and DD is only 19 mo, but friend said she thought DM was much more interested in DS at this age than she is in DD. That's a worry of mine if we stay that the whole golden child/scapegoat pattern will repeat itself with them. It definitely happened with DB and me, although who was who changed sometimes.
DB also said he'd read that personality is quite fixed by about 6 yo and he thought DS needed out of this atmosphere now. Even without any of the favouritism, this whole week long upset (and who knows how long it would go on if I didn't cave in or move out) is happening more frequently.
Ugh...feel so nauseous. Down 7lbs sincce this started. Find it hard to swallow. Don't worry, I've got fat reserves to keep me going .

Ah yes, and they're not watching tv in her room. Because I had it thrown in my face before she stormed off and have had it thrown in my face on previous occasions and it feels totally uncomfortable and wrong. Now they watch a bit in the other room while they have bkfast, then I'll read stories while they have tea.

Badtoworse I've been following your thread

This whole situation is awful for all of you (her too if she's honest)
You need to get away from it, to be able to see how much this is affecting your every thought. You had a little glimpse of how lovely life could be for your little family when she stormed off. No-one should live with this much stress every day.

Emotional stress is very tiring. Can you even start to imagine what the situation would be when your dc are rowdy teenagers?

You're being really strong and brave. Maybe a few days at your db's flat would give you all the strength to put your plans into place?
I can sort of feel the life being sucked out of you each passing day you're there with her

Your mother has to have a bad guy in her dynamic somehow, as you say, this changes. Is there some kind of Martyr Complex that's recognised in the world of psychology etc?

Keep strong, you'll get there.

She's back to angry again today as pathetic didn't workn Going to sell house and buy a tiny semi detached bungalow. All my fault for turning against her over a comment about a laptop. Can't online grocery shop for herself she says. says She's not safe in car. if she fell ambulance men couldn't get in house....not sure i even understand some of that . sorry v rushed...on phone...battery low.

Give her time, she'll think up a more coherent excuse eventually.

You are definitely doing the right thing. Even reading back your last few posts shows that.

What's happening is actually very simple and undramatic - after a while sharing the same house, you've decided it doesn't really work in terms of personal space etc, so you're moving to another house nearby. That's it. In my family that would barely register as an event. It's her that's turning this into a great seismic tragedy with you as the evil baddie and refusing to accept any of the solutions you suggest for her problems.

Just nod and smile and say "well that's your choice." (re moving).

Badtoworse I just came back on to say I may not get back to check how you are getting on (3 kids crazy for Santa). So I just wanted to wish you a happy Christmas and I hope 2013 brings fabulous things your way, you really deserve some good stuff now.

well you can point out that that makes sense - she doesnt need a big 4 bedroom house if she is living on her own, and even my 75yr old disabled mil has learned how to online shop. She isnt too safe in her car so she is changing it for a small automatic and just uses it to pop into the village now and then. She has a cleaner come in (uses her incapacity(?) benefit for that) and also occassionally has ready food delivered) and I am pretty sure she is in a worse state than your mother tbh.
As you say, she is angry because despite trying all the different approaches hasnt worked. And please dont get drawn into the fact that its over a laptop. You all know thats not the point - she is minimising and rewriting, but everyone knows that its not as simple as that. And if it was just about a laptop - why is she going storming off in such a tantrum - her argument makes her look ridiculous.
keep on going with your plans. I think it just re enforces your decisions if this is how she is going to behave anytime you disagree with her, its gone too far to back down and will be lovely for your family to have their own happy relaxed space.
also if she sells up then she wont need to save anything for DB, and she will be able to use her income to pay for home help/assistance. She is pissing all over her previous arguments. see how nutty she is????

oh, and just watch out. I wouldnt rule out a relapse in her condition or a 'fall' when you are not around to see it happen.
BUT if you can still make sure your exit plan goes ahead I think it might turn out to be a shot in the foot, as if there is no one prepared to look after her (you work FT,dont you, and I am sure your husband can suitably explain the situation) then she will possibly have to spend time in a nursing home, or they will be forced to make her look into paying for support at home herself. Just dont let ANYONE guilt you into taking the responsibility. Because you know she will have done it on purpose.
If she starts the hysterics too much I would be tempted to say that you are worried about her mental health, question dementia, etc. perhaps she should be assessed as seems to be posing a danger to herself (would keep this up your sleeve as a 'big gun') and that she isnt making any sense.

on the way back from pils. Have told them the lot. V supportive.

Well done! By telling them this will add to your rl support base. I'm so pleased that they were supportive. Now just stay strong in the face of the next wave of whatever your DM throws at you.

She's been on rightmove all this am...has asked my cousin in the Uk whose address she uses for stuff to post her new cahoot card and has started clearing things out in the study. All scary mad super cheery but fucking angry, if you know what I mean. Shit versus fan. Said before we went out she couldn't belive I was being so vindictive about a remark about a laptop. She really really will never get it, will she?
God, tmrw is going to be horrible...it's like DB said, she'd come back to ruin it. She asked this am if I'd still be here when DB came in March..I said no, I was looking now for flats. That's what sparked this rage today. She tried pathetic first..."you can't online shop for one, how would the ambulance men get in if I fell?!" and now it's gone into white hot rage. I know she's prob frightened which makes me feel bad, but I'm only moving within the same village..I'm just saying I can't share ahouse with this interfering and sulking every few months.

Please don't feel bad. You have nothing to feel bad about. You are being the reasonable one and she is now pressing every button she can think of to get the reaction she wants from you. You are doing so well.

Maybe she is frightened op, but think about it. Either you can stay and look after her (wrecking your marriage in the process) so she never has to be alone, or you can force her to learn to fend for herself. Surely one way to reduce the levels of real (rather than feigned) fear is to make her realise that she IS capable.... whether she wants to believe it or not.

She CAN look after herself. Repeat it until you believe it (we, unlike your mum, wouldn't lie to you) ;)

And as you say, you'll be in the same village - it's not like you're abandoning her in a forest or something!!

and to be honest, if she hasnt learnt that being such a moody bitch means that people leave you on your own by now, she never will. Seems people have been walking away all through her life because of her behaviour. she only has herself to blame.
and of course she can look after herself or arrange some professional help to do it.