My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

There are many, many mothers on their own on Christmas Day, who have lost their precious children, through no fault of their own. THIS one isnt worthy of the name Mother, and its long past the time of considering her needs. OP has shown the most amazing strength, and words can`t express my admiration for her. She has, however, only been able to do that because the huge elephant has been out of the room. Her mother has shown, in the last week, that she is quite capable of being on her own, thus proving what a manipulative liar she is.

Stay strong, we are all holding you, and we all want the peace and happiness for you, that you and your family deserve.

Good luck op. my hearts all a flutter and my fingers and toes are crossed for you.

Fingers a d toes crossed.

jingle I see what you mean about it being brutal, but if it were me then I simply wouldn't have the balls to play nice until after Christmas and then quietly move out.

Firstly, I would probably melt in the face of my 'D'M's manipulative ways and end up giving in (as she would undoubtedly make an effort to be nice over the festive period and then return to form immediately after).

Secondly, if by some miracle I did manage to stand firm, I'd feel terribly guilty about acting happy and maintaining a pretence all through Christmas - it would be obvious from my subsequent actions that it was all a lie and so I would feel awful about that. Much better (IMO) to at least be emotionally honest rather than fake your way through.

Do whatever you feel is best OP, but to me that would be striking while the iron is hot and moving out now. That way she can't accuse you of lying to her later on - you will be able to say you've always been honest. Not your fault if honesty is something she can't stand to hear!

So she's back and she's angry? Doesn't bode well for contrition.

OP she has come for a showdown in time for Christmas.

Don't give it to her, make enquiries about a rental, haveDB's flat to go to if need be in a hurry, but if she starts to kick off, just calmly gather yourselves and go out/leave. Refuse to be drawn into her rages. She wants you back in line, she'll do whatever it takes to achieve that.

Knowledge is power.

I feel a bit more in control now. Have made some plans, which I'll tell you in a min.
When we arrived home she was sitting in the study at the computer, which means she had her back to me. She was looking at amazon. I said hello and she replied, but in that cold clipped way you do when you're really fucking angry. I wasn't sure what to do, so said to DH, let's go and run that errand and we went for a coffee. While there I started to get a bit angry that she's come back and nothing's changed, so I said to DH, let's go to the estate agents. there are 2 in the village. First one said they had 3 bed flats for about 360 unfurnished..which suits as about half the furniture here is mine. But no pix and not possible to view til Weds (when we'll have the kids in tow cos of xmas hols and I don't want DS telling her before I'm ready) Went to the other agent who said he had one round the corner, we had about 40 mins before picking up DD and DS so went and had a look. 3 good bedrooms, lounge, dining room, with open hole in the wall thingy (can't think of name) to kitchen. Would need to buy a fridge freezer, washing machine/dryer and maybe a countertop oven (wasn't thinking to look for oven, but they're not common here.) Was 425, with parking and a big big rooftop with views over the village. 5 mins walk from this house. Was very nice. Only thing was there was a shower tray but no bath. There was a house next door for same money, with 2 bathrooms, 3 beds and a prpoer bath, but it wasn't as nice as the big flat and would be difficult for stairgates because of the metal bannisters not being quite in line with the opposing walls. But any flat we move to doesn't have to be forever.
So I earn 1100 ish net
flat 425
could do internet, phone tv for 120
leccy about 100
water about 50
currently spend about 450 a month on food/nappies, but that's feeding her too.
Car ins works out about 50 a month
diesel maybe 100, don't know as I haven't been using that car for work til now.
I've got a fair old bit in the bank, DH has some too and his parents would help us.

She can live in this house and pay for help or sell and move.

I'm ignoring her today. We're going to the park after DD's nap and will stay out over teatime to avoid the watching tv in her room issue, come back...bath and bedtime.
We have arranged to spend Christmas Eve with DH's parents and then I think we'll do presents in the morning but I don't know what to do about Xmas Day and dinner. I'm not eating it with her, don't know whether to make it and let her sit, martyr like in her room or to take off to a beach or a park somewhere, but nowhere would be open for food.

Then at some point, I'm not sure when I'll tell her I've found somewhere for us to live. I think she thinks "those bastards, sitting in my house while I suffer down here in the cold, I'll go back and she can't go anywhere, she'll back down eventually" Or She's just decided it's her house and she'll just ignore me forever more, like she did to my dad.

Also, when we came back from the flat she came and said to Dh in front of me "Oh, Dh, I did come out to say hello to you, but you were already leaving" all sweetness and light. So, that's obviously the plan....make me look like the unreasonable rude one..."you want me to be polite, fine" but underneath is a volcano of hate and rage.

You go girl. You realised what she was doing to your family and you are protecting them.

Well done.

I need to stay angry...she's helping there because she's just doing more of the same. DS v pleased to see her, asked why she gone but DD wailing and couldn't hear her answer, something about not really wanting to. she said "did you miss me, I missed you" my fucking arse. Missed him so much she never asked once about him.

That's it stay angry. It helps enormously. A big well done. I'm pleased you have a plan - just don't let her derail it.

any suggestions about xmas day? Was thinking of DB's flat but Dm pays leccy, gas, water and community charge on it so may get arsey, although maybe I shouldn't take that into account? Really think xmas dinner here with all the trimmings is a non starter.

Is DH's parents for xmas day possible if you took the food? Or picnic on the beach?

Could you go to your DHs family at all? I know you are going over on Christmas eve, but could you extend your stay a bit? Has he any other family? Or are there any hotels you can go to?

can't stay with pils they only have a tiny flat. Might get up and go out all day xmas day. might look into hotels.

OK it with DB, then tell her that you will be spending Christmas at his flat. Offer to pay for whatever you use in the way of utilities, plus a contribution to CT etc. If - when - she kicks off, tell her that you assumed she would welcome that, having just done the same herself.

Can you spend Christmas Day with your DH's parents but stay the night in a hotel? I agree that Christmas dinner with her sounds like torture.

If you go for this flat, when would you be moving in?

Well done you! You're doing so well!

Yes, I would put money on her ignoring you as she did your dad.

You know how long she can keep that up.

Be decisive, be bold and do the right thing for your family

I have been reading your thread and I really feel for all the stress you're going through right now, I have a very similar mother and you ate a saint to have put up with her for this long.

Don't let her poison your time with your family stay strong and stay away from her.

I went though it , feeling shaking and 'naughty' for being an adult. once you stand up to them it gets easier and now I don't feel shaky, a bit nervous but I am sure of myself as an adult and she took that away for a very long time. It's better to act now even though it's hard

think the 425 flat might be a push. Is hard to know how much i could economise in a smaller place. but can't stay. Need to work out some figures. can't see other places til weds. she's got me over a fucking barrel...and I always felt she was the vulnerable one

Phew! Have just spent the last hour catching up on this entire thread and I am stunned! just stunned at the level of manipulation

Can I just say also OP, I am bowing at your awesomeness....keep up that resolve and DONT BACK DOWN...I am so proud

Well done you and yor DH

She most definitely has NOT got you over a barrel!!!!!! I see it as the other way round, only she doesnt know it yet. You knew it wasnt going to be easy, but you have been bloody brilliant. Keep the focus on getting away from her, and don`t fret too much about finances. Yes, they are important, but you will find ways of economising once you have too.

I think I would wait until Wednesday and go and see the 360 flat. Possibly you could go while DH looks after children in park for a bit, then he go to see it separately??

In the meantime just keep planning!

She doesn't have you over a barrel at all... as long as you start seeing your savings as YOURS, rather than lettign yourself be manipulated into thinking that somehow you owe her that too as well as your life, happiness, marriage, children's peace of mind...

So, went out all afternoon with the children and fed them a weird kind of tea of bananas, muffins from a cafe and crisps from the kiosk in the prak. Deliberately stayed out til bedtime so as not to have DS crying that he wanted to have his tea in front of the tv in her room.
Came home, ignored her and bathed kids and put them to bed. I'm upstairs in my bedroom on the pc, she's downstairs watching tv. Going to stay up here. DH has gone to the gym for a bit. I'd only be on the laptop downstairs anyway and she's very unlikely to come looking for me up here.
Been talking to DH about money and we've decided we need to see the flats at 360 as 65 more money a month to play with is going to be important. DH pointed out that the nice 425 flat today doesn't actually have any storage whatsoever, except an under stairs cupboard, whereas I think the other agent said the 360 ones or some of them (there were about 3) had built in wardrobes, which would save us buying wardrobes.
Then I'll need a removals quote and I'll need about 3 days to move money from a savings account to my current account. What with Christmas and then Epiphany (6th jan and a holiday here) I don't see us being out til mid Jan...just when i start back at work.
DB is really upset, phoned him from the park (use viber so it's free) and he's finding it all a complete headfuck and is worried about us but says he thinks she's capable of saying she won't throw us out but never speaking to me again..and where does all that stop, she won't eat with us, we don't use the same areas of the house? She does her own shopping/cooking? He says I need to get us out and quickly. he says to go to the flat for christmas and that she's come back determined to ruin it.
I think I'm going to try doing an online shop that I never actually buy IYSWIM, as a kind of simulation to see how much I can reduce the food bill by.
Friend says she'll watch kids if necess while we view flats, or we'll see them separately. Don't want DS getting wind of it and saying anything. Friend agrees a line has been crossed.

Glad your brother is taking it seriously and is firmly on your side.I know it's hard but try not to worry about how this is affecting him - he is an adult and can take care of himself. From the sound of it he is more concerned about you guys, so the best thing you can do is concentrate on your little family (you, DH and DC).

Mid-Jan is only 25 days away - I know it seems like a lot but try to imagine being free of her malign presence in less than a month!

Just take it day by day and keep making your plans. You're doing brilliantly.

The flat we saw today has been empty for 3 months so we could move in soon, but what with Christmas and Epiphany I think we're looking at a couple of weeks realistically. Would also need a fridge and washer/dryer delivered and removals organised. Also think we should see the flats going for 360 euros before jumping. Trying to remember that I can just ignore til I'm ready and don't have to give in to fear and jump before it suits me.

You are doing fantastically and it seems that your brother is well aware of what she is like, but has held off saying anything until now, when you have seen the light too and are ready to take control of your own life. Great also that you have friends around who can also help and support you and keep you from wavering. Your DP sounds amazing - what a great husband he has and is being. Also once he isnt feeling so criticised you may find he is in a better place mentally to find work himself, which will take the pressure off with the money. If you can survive on your money then things can only get better for you.
Good luck and best wishes xxx

I've been hiding away upstairs all evening cos I can't deal with a confrontation tonight...been strong all day and now I hurt all over. I'm going to bed in a minute. Do you think that's OK or should I have told her I'm leaving. Don't want to say anything before I've even seen the other flats. DH has spoken to his friend in the village, without giving details and there are a few landlords in the village (people we know vaguely) who have properties they rent but not through agencies, so that will need following up too.