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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on the kiss-off email please

56 replies

Beograde · 14/09/2012 10:20

Hello, I'd like a tiny bit of advice on the kiss-off email to an ex. I'm not sure whether to go down the magnanimity or honest route.

The short story is I met someone, fell head over heels in love (and he was saying the same about me). However, after a while, the ex appeared on the scene, and he has moved back in with the ex.

He has just emailed me to tell me this. I'm obviously upset, and I want to tell him he's treated me without integrity, was very flaky to have changed his mind so quickly, but the other alternative is "all the best, I hope it works out".

What would you advise?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2012 10:23

Try
'Hi, well the relationship wasn't really working for me, either. Goodbye and good luck.'

THat will annoy him but it doesn't make you sound desperate or wounded or stalky.

SecondRow · 14/09/2012 10:27

I know people will say the most dignified thing you can say is... nothing.

But how about "Oh, well good luck to her! If the things you were saying to me were true at the time, you're merely fickle, weak and unreliable, and if they were lies, well, you're a liar. So all the best in your new relationship."

I know, not really Wink

Original poster
Beograde · 14/09/2012 10:27

That's the simple version, I may try that. I feel sorry for the ex (or now the present)

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 14/09/2012 10:28

I like SGB's suggestion. Or radio silence.

You won't gain anything by telling him how you really feel, I don't think. You're more likely to regret giving him ammunition by showing your hurt.

dequoisagitil · 14/09/2012 10:28

I like Secondrow's as well Grin.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 14/09/2012 10:29

I would also advise the dignity of silence.

Original poster
Beograde · 14/09/2012 10:29

Second, that's the temptation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beograde · 14/09/2012 10:29

I like SGB's version though.

OP posts:
Donkeysdontridebicycles · 14/09/2012 10:31

What SGB suggested (but I do agree with what SecondRow said).

TheBrianRogersConnection · 14/09/2012 10:32

SGB's version is ace, please go with that one!! It's so to the point.

akaemmafrost · 14/09/2012 10:33

I would not reply. I was in this position earlier this year via text and with hindsight I wish so so much I had not replied. Just drop off the radar completely.

SecondRow · 14/09/2012 10:34

Yep, it's probably one of those situations where it's a good idea to write all the emails you'd liketo send for catharsis and then delete them. Without knowing him, I suppose it's possible that the relationship with his ex really is "the one" for him, and even though he's behaved badly, you'd feel silly years down the line. Use this thread to get it all out of your system and maintain the moral high ground. I suppose...

hattifattner · 14/09/2012 10:34

He emailed you? How classy.

Id just ignore it. Send nothing at all. He will sit and worry that it hasnt arrived, will fret for a day or two about what your reaction will be. Dont give him the satisfaction.

If he later gets in touch, you can breezily say "Oh, I just didnt think it was important enough to send a reply"

olgaga · 14/09/2012 10:37

I honestly think he'll feel more put out if you just don't reply. I's attention, and he'll lap it up. If he knows he's pissed you off, then he knows you care.

lisaro · 14/09/2012 10:38

Nothing-absolutely nothing. I bet you anything he'll expect a response. Don't bother, he obviously isn't worth the time or effort.

olgaga · 14/09/2012 10:38

I's should have been It's.

SecondRow · 14/09/2012 10:38

So did he break up with you first, and only now you're finding he was stringing the ex along too? Or did he do a midnight flit from your bed to hers?

Original poster
Beograde · 14/09/2012 10:41

Basically, he told me he was single, and then I spotted some clues that the ex didn't think they were broken up. Then came the "I'm confused about my ex". However, he told me she had mental health issues, so it couldn't be rushed. Then a month later came the "I'm going back to the ex". I'm so angry with him

OP posts:
lisaro · 14/09/2012 10:45

It sounds like you're well rid of the knob.

Ormiriathomimus · 14/09/2012 10:47

How about 'Good! You're a shit anyway'?

Original poster
Beograde · 14/09/2012 10:48

I'm definitely well shot, it just hurts so much

OP posts:
amber701 · 14/09/2012 10:49

I also think you should not mail him, for all the reasons above. But, write the letter you want to send telling him what a bell-end he is and why, keep it yourself and read it again if you start missing him, so you don't have to waste more time on him!

Yorkpud · 14/09/2012 10:55

Don't reply, he will be constantly wondering what you are going to say and be really frustrated when he gets nothing back. If you reply your hurt will show. You will be pleased in a few weeks/months that you acted with dignity.

zzzzz · 14/09/2012 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecondRow · 14/09/2012 11:00

What a knob. Sorry you were messed around like that, Beo. Sounds like he's so self-absorbed that he just won't get it or feel remotely chastened no matter how you spell it out to him, so best to leave it. Onwards and upwards!