Wanting to see the OW

[Ormiriathomimus]

OK. Many of you know my story. In short I am 3 month down the line from discovering DH's affair with co-worker. It's over, we are reconciling and doing quite a good job so far. After a few bumpy weeks when neither of us knew what we were supposed to be doing he answered all my questions, been unfailingly supportive and loving. He has addressed all the things that bothered me when his affair was going on - distance from me, intolerance towards DC, lack of interests in family events. Our relationship is (cautiously) better than it has been for years. In turn I have had a good hard look at the way I have been - I can't blame it all on my depression and on tiredness. We have explored stuff that went on in the past that set up resentments that never got addressed. It's fucking HARD WORK and I still get bad days when images dance around in my head and I just want to scream ...but I think we're getting there.

So..... all good stuff. BUT.....

...I want to see the OW. I knew her before the affair, I know where she lives, I have met her kids and her H, I went to her wedding. But since I found out it's as if she has snapped out of existence. And I want to see her again because inspite of the fact that I know she is a very ordinary woman with her own issues and problems and not some irresistible femme fatale - she has taken on an almost mythic significance in my mind. I want to see her being ordinary. (Ideally I'd like her to see us being happy together but I am quite prepared to admit that is childish and a bit needy ). I want to lay the ghost.

She has texted DH once a few weeks ago as if she wanted to resume contact but he sent back a very simple 'Please don't contact me again' so seeing her would be stupid and counterproductive. And she should be nothing to me. My issues and any unfinished business are with DH not her but still...w hen you have a sore tooth you can't stop prodding it with your tongue. She feels like that to me.

I won't do it. But I want to. Is that crazy?

Oh shit

That is not good. It sounds like he didn't really work his weaknesses and issues if he is reverting to his old behaviour patterns.

He might not be "seeing" her but working in the same building may be reminding him of how he felt during the affair - that ego boosting attention which is so addictive this is why adultery experts advise change of job as a condition when repairing the marriage.

*on

:(
Not good

Soooo...she texted him wanting to see him a while back.
He said no.
Now he is acting distant again.
Big alarm bells orm.
Sorry
:(

He's a selfish pathetic excuse for a man. If he has any reply it had better be good. I have given him so much and forgiven him so much, he owes me more than this.

Still no reply.

Yes.
To all of that.
I can't beleive he hasn't replied.
Well...I can, but it just shows his utter disdain for your feelings.
:(
Maybe playing happy families has worn off for him?
I know my exbil did this to sil.
Height of cruelty.

Argh, hope he sorts his priorities out properly bloody quickly Orm, and replies to your email! Is it possible he hasn't seen it yet?

Perhaps he feels he's "done enough" now and he's fed up trying, in which case he really hasn't grasped how little he's achieved so far. :(

To be fair he is teaching, and one of the things I was angry about was his brief chirpy response to my long impassioned emails. Maybe he's composing my a fucking sonnet

"Perhaps he feels he's "done enough" now and he's fed up trying, in which case he really hasn't grasped how little he's achieved so far"

Yes thumb.

If he could get into my head he would realise just how far he still has to go.

Yes thumb.
Exactly.

Orm stop being fucking fair!
:)
You have been fair enough now!
Ok?
:)

I think if he could get into your head, Orm, he'd be so scared he'd shrivel into a scorched heap on the floor!

If his remorse and wanting to keep his family together and rebuild his relationship is truly genuine, he will keep at it, regardless of how long it takes. Any reluctance or feeling that he's "tried and it's still not good enough for you, what more do you want from him?" suggests that his heart just isn't in it enough.

He may also feel that he'd rather not email you back, but talk to you when he gets home. FX that's the case, eh.

Just replied - I have seen your email and I will reply when I get more time.

Hope you get the reply you need orm x

Problem is I don't know what reply I need. I am so tired of steering all this, of asking for the things I need. So tired of it all really.

Ditto

Makes sense, Orm. You want him to work it out for himself, put himself out by thinking about you first and foremost for a change, so he can show how much you really do matter to him.

Yes, you are doing the right thing - its time for you to step back and focus on yourself.

Orm, I can promise you there is nothing to be gained from seeing the OW. I eventually kicked my ex-H out, as he was unable to cease all contact with OW and he is married to her now & they have 2 small children. I have seen her, made polite conversation and had to endure school sports days with her & so on for the best part of 8 years now (I kicked him out over 9 years ago) & I am no better or worse off than if I'd never set eyes on the woman.
You won't ever gain anything by speaking to her. Your relationship is with your H - that is the only thing that needs your focus. I hope you get over this current glitch and he engages more.

I phoned her. I found texts on his phone and phoned her from his phone. She put the phone down on me at first obviously but eventually she spoke. I needed her to confirm some things he'd said- he had tried to call it off, he'd never said he would leave me etc, during the converstion she said "I dont know why you felt the need to ring me" and right at that point neither did I. So I said yes you're right, you are no longer important to me and put the phone down on her. Felt good :)

Ok ORM just want to wish you all the best.For various happy reasons today is a bit of a watershed and as I've been driving around for work I've decide to change names and leave Relationships.
I've posted on her more in the last two months than in the previous two years and yes Offred at times it did make me wonder if that meant I wasn't 'over it'or moving on?What I've realized is that I've actually come full circle and recovered and can finally make sense of everything that's happened in the last couple of years.And that included a DCs illness ,a parental bereavement and business troubles too.So unashamed pat on the back me for coping and needing to vent on her sometimes!So I'm going to head off into the future and confine posts to the baking and book discussions.
The look on my DHs face and the kiss he gave me when he came in last night is all the confirmation I need we did the right thing staying together.Lucky us.
And if that sounds deluded and rose tinted that's OK I will live with that.I think I know us best.But I would like to thank in particular if you are out there MADabout ,Countingto10 and ABitWobbly for kind and supportive words and your understanding.Appologies to any others not mentioned.I will remember your posts and ignore the more cynical ones that could rain on my parade IYSWIM!
Sincerely all the best ORM whatever outcome you decide on.x

Good for you stargazy xx

Good luck with it all stargazy!

Very best wishes from here too Stargazy