Wanting to see the OW

[Ormiriathomimus]

OK. Many of you know my story. In short I am 3 month down the line from discovering DH's affair with co-worker. It's over, we are reconciling and doing quite a good job so far. After a few bumpy weeks when neither of us knew what we were supposed to be doing he answered all my questions, been unfailingly supportive and loving. He has addressed all the things that bothered me when his affair was going on - distance from me, intolerance towards DC, lack of interests in family events. Our relationship is (cautiously) better than it has been for years. In turn I have had a good hard look at the way I have been - I can't blame it all on my depression and on tiredness. We have explored stuff that went on in the past that set up resentments that never got addressed. It's fucking HARD WORK and I still get bad days when images dance around in my head and I just want to scream ...but I think we're getting there.

So..... all good stuff. BUT.....

...I want to see the OW. I knew her before the affair, I know where she lives, I have met her kids and her H, I went to her wedding. But since I found out it's as if she has snapped out of existence. And I want to see her again because inspite of the fact that I know she is a very ordinary woman with her own issues and problems and not some irresistible femme fatale - she has taken on an almost mythic significance in my mind. I want to see her being ordinary. (Ideally I'd like her to see us being happy together but I am quite prepared to admit that is childish and a bit needy ). I want to lay the ghost.

She has texted DH once a few weeks ago as if she wanted to resume contact but he sent back a very simple 'Please don't contact me again' so seeing her would be stupid and counterproductive. And she should be nothing to me. My issues and any unfinished business are with DH not her but still...w hen you have a sore tooth you can't stop prodding it with your tongue. She feels like that to me.

I won't do it. But I want to. Is that crazy?

You are bound to see her at some point if they work at the same place and live relatively close together, and it's bound to happen when you aren't expecting it. Don't seek her out.

That's good ORM.Seeing my family gathered together and involved was a great healer.And quite right not to want to hear her version of events.TBH I was angry for far too long because she tried to tell me hers.She had wanted to meet me to apologise initially and I declined ,but then because we do cross paths some time later I did talk to her, and in hindsight it only wound me up more.
So resist the urge to ever discuss it with her.But I know where that curiosity, almost fascination comes from.I almost wanted to reassure myself she was an ordinary, mundane person rather than some fabulous ,irresistible creature.Mad isn't it?!

It's been 3.5 yrs for me and I have never set eyes on OW, I have seen have fb profile though. In a way I would like to see her in rl just to lay that particular ghost to rest but I do not want to speak to her, she has nothing to say that I would want to hear (unless it was a heartfelt apology for what she (with my DH's help) put me and the DCs through and how she was never going to treat fellow human beings like that again but that would never happen).

She contacted me when I first discovered th affair, could not believe the audacity of the woman to try and justify herself. When I told her I did not want to speak as she had nothing to say that I would want to hear and I subsequently hung up, she then left a threatening voicemail, threatening to call the police if I entered her place of work (I had never said I would to her or my DH) as she would get the sack for an inappropriate relationship.

From that voicemail and subsequent, vile, texts, I know that her sole purpose, at that time, if we were to speak would have been to hurt me (even more) with either truth or lies.

I believe my DH has told me the truth because quite frankly some of it was so appalling I can't why he would have told me if it wasn't the truth.

The need to meet has died off over the months/years and give it more time, it will probably be the same for you.

Orm I wasn't trying to blame you when I said these feelings are negative and destructive. As other posters have pointed out, it's about trust really. If you don't completely trust your DH's version of events, it must be extremely hard knowing she still works at the same establishment.

You feel like this because you still feel there are loose ends, you have only heard one side of the story. You say yourself My issues and any unfinished business are with DH not her.

The question is whether you will be satisfied with what you hear, or whether it will simply make matters worse.

The simple fact is orm she is a very ordinary woman.
She isn't angelina jolie or Halle berry.
She has a job, and kids, and looks rough in the mornings like we all do.
I would also think she has BO on occasion!
Sorry, not being flippant, honestly.
I just mean that she is nothing special.
And your dh was/is weak.
I think if you start hanging around trying to catch glimpses of her doing the weekly shop ect then it is you that's going to come out of this looking needy and silly.
Which you aren't.
X

Last thing I want to do is be arrested for stalking!

Quite :)

Of course you don't completely trust your DHs version of events yet.But that doesn't always mean he's not told you the truth now.Its just once trust has been so badly damaged its hard to accept anything they say without questioning and doubts.
Even though my DH told me almost everything that first night he did minimise the amount and length of time of contact briefly in shock and panic,but I knew that just didn't add up instinctively and he came clean fairly soon.But that and the shock of discovery in the first place meant it took months for me to accept there wasn't more and worse to find out.
I do believe people can make a big mistake,perhaps try to cover up somewhat to protect themselves and spare further hurt initially but then be brave enough to own up, face up and take the consequences.In our case that meant many episodes of cross examination and heartfelt talks.
Only you know your DH well enough ORM to judge if he has been honest enough with you now.

Am I weird? I have no desire to see or speak to the homewrecking whore my STBBXH left me for in June EVER. As far as I'm concerned, she is unworthy of my notice, and she may as well not exist.

If her relationship with STBBXH lasts, I don't intend to alter my position.

To answer your question properly, OP, I don't think you have anything to gain by meeting her. She is not worthy of your attention or time, so please don't give them to her.

Do you not think you are making her the bogeyman because you have decided not to make your h it. Is it not a projection of what you should be feeling about him onto her? I would say she is insignificant and you need to reconnect those feelings you are having about her as being about your h really.

It is interesting that she hasn't left the school. I would be wondering exactly why that was.

I also think it would be incredibly unrealistic to cast your h in the role of "poor weak manz" and her into "seductive irresistible husband stealer"...

There is something about that that really grates on me... It is probably that fundamentally it is letting him off his responsibility as long as he plays good dog and it doesn't ever really address the fact he was he superior at work and therefore in a position of authority, he lied and covered up and tortured you and the children in order to pursue a relationship with her. That is not a weak man, it is a nasty one.

You don't need to see her to dispell her "mythical significance" what you need to do, I think, is to properly see what your h has done and who he is.

The OW in my case was a mum at school. I saw her daily. She then came into the hospital where I worked and was in my dept (I suspect this horrified her more than me). We shared GPs.

I still was obsessed, even with all this contact.

Why her, why why why. I hated her and was envious and consumed with bitterness.

I couldn't get away from her and the really bizarre thing was when she moved 4 doors away from me!!!!

I remember seeing her trudge down the hospital corridor in nightie and slippers post op and walking behind her feel a sense of empathy/sympathy.

It was then when I saw her as human, hurting and realised that my exH had dropped her into a private hell, as well as me.

Oh offred, please don't harp on about that again. I get it! Honest. He was a nasty cruel man who coerced his subordinate into an affair Don't you see that is as stupid as saying he was a poor weak man led by his dick? Dh and I have spent the last 3 months talking and arguing and crying about all this. You have no idea what we have said and done that has lead us to this places how do you know I'm scapegoating her and letting him off? In fact I don't think there was anything on my op that could have lead you to that conclusion. just that, at this point, I would like to be able to see her and stop my mind painting her in colours she doesn't deserve.

But if she knew your H was married, and am I right in thinking she was cheating on her own H, she doesn't deserve any sympathy or understanding from anyone. If she was an unwitting O.W., that would be different.

Please don't waste your time on her. She is an inferior human being and don't forget that.

I didn't say he coerced her. I said he was in a position of authority (I.e. your relationship was not the only reason not to enter into a relationship with her or responsibility he had). There is plenty in your op that has led me to the belief that you are not really seeing what he did for what it was including this "mythical significance" which I know from experience is a deflection away from looking at the real culprit. I just don't think you will be able to move on together by pretending your h is wonderful but weak/had his head turned etc. If it is going to be saved you have to see that how he behaved was deliberately manipulative and cruel towards you and the children in order to protect his relationship with her. That he did it in full public view and he lied many times to you about it. That's the reality. From what you post on here I don't think you have ever accepted this and it is why you keep coming back with more and more deflections of feelings onto other things: you, her etc. Ok, I don't know what you talk about, however I read what you post on here. The fact she hasn't left and tried to resume contact recently is a sign that he has not asserted properly that it is over which in the context is exceptionally worrying.

Some of you may have read other threads. regards OW, Last weekend was the kids first stay with their dad, none of us knew about OW, although I suspected. But DS (11 years) over heard his dad to her and told my mum....can't believe he could be so stupid. i sent her an email with a few facts she might not have known...out come she dropped him like a stone..his words! He's now furious with me..can you believe it! But when I said do you know DS found out first, his reply, 'I don't care!'. Poor DS just started secondary school, already feeling a bit lost and having dad walk in the holidays. I'm at my wits end trying to get sbxh to see the kids pain and need for him to step up....but he had a breakdown earlier in the year and is not the man he was.:(

I have to say i see offred's point.

The reason she is taking on a supermassive position in your thoughts is to minimalise the things done to YOU by your H.

If you focus on her, he gets let of the hook, somehow.

Newsflash, SHE didn't betray you as much as he did.

She's dropped off the face of the earth, and so she bloddy ought to, the last thing you want is an OW lording it about with no shame whatsoever, far better she slithers back under the shitty rock she belongs under.

You have to focus on your H and what he did to you, and how he'll put it right.

Did you.read.Not.Just Friends? I've heard that can help couples rebuild after adultery.

He has to take full responsibility for the affair, i think he's getting off a bit lightly. The OW is irrelevant here.

Oh ORM I winced when I read Offreds comments tonight.My DHs behaviour for those few silly months wasnt 'cruel' but it wasn't honest and honourable either - as he'd always been previously and is again now.And I truly believe that.
Nothing is that black and white ie.Your DH was bad and OW was not.These things build up insidiously with a gradual blurring of boundaries on both sides more often than not.And CremeEgg Is right.OW is married and knew your DH was so is hardly an innocent,taken advantage of.
And quite rightly only you and your DH know how / why you have reached the point you have so far through all the tears and talking.And plenty more to come if you are like us.
If anyone else I loved eg. One of my DCs did something stupid and hurtful and went off track for a time would I have cut them out of my life instantly and completely? No.Or would I try very hard to forgive,understand and give them a chance to redeem themselves.Yes.
Trust me.If your DH continues to focus all his efforts on you and your marriage in time the OW will seem less and less significant.But how you feel towards her at the moment is understandable and natural.I vacillated between hating and blaming her, then my DH,then both, then feeling bad about myself for feeling such animosity.What a confused,mixed up mess I was!
Most of all don't be hard on yourself in all this.You are doing amazingly well and showing a lot of compassion.Much better than cynicism IMO.

Orm - I totally get what you mean. I've actually been through it too and not into looking for any deeper meaning than the face value of your post.

Of course affairs are 50/50 (DH and OW) but let's face it if you are going to try and repair and strengthen a relationship then you have to change your initial thoughts about DH (after discovery) from murderous etc to some way towards having a bit of trust but that 'luxury' cannot be afforded to the OW too. And the love was there before for your DH but not the OW. Easier to forgive someone you love than a stranger.

Of course when I say forgive - to me that stinks of 'what you did to me was okay' - and I don't think I will ever be at that stage.

Well I did speak to her for over a hour on the phone. She seemed to be a bit of a pathetic creature who, once the bubble had burst had her eyes opened to what she/they had done.
It "didn't sit well on her shoulders"
Some of what she said might have been lies, I don't know.
I saw her a couple of days later sitting in her car. She didn't see me until I was in front of her windscreen......she may have wet herself because I think she believed his disturbed manic wife story.
I was incredibly calm and quick to the point. I was not rude nor did I shout and I walked away empowered.

I have found out in the last couple of days that his mum has thrown him out and his family are not talking to him. He probably became abusive and violent since he has started to drink again after 15 years on the wagon.
She's welcome to him!

Have never said h was bad and she wasn't or that she was innocent. I said she was irrelevant and what I meant is that in terms of moving forward and moving on she is irrelevant. What she did is irrelevant/a distraction. In terms of orm's marriage to her h only her h's behaviour is relevant.

and i'd like to know what does count as cruel if that isn't

I'm not talking from an ivory tower. I've been with a cheater, a serial one who I had a baby with. The only way to stay sane is to see the reality and let the denial and deflections go.