This is not the happy family I wanted and I don't know what to do

[Cydonia]

DP and I have been together 12 yrs, had our first DC in May. I knew before having him that I would be doing the vast majority of the baby care and accepted this, but it's all going wrong....
DP works 60 hrs a week (min) on nights, so I do understand he's going to be tired, fair enough. It does mean that during the week he's either at work, travelling, or in bed, I only see him for a couple of hours a day. But now when he's not at work all we seem to do is row. I think he uses the fact that I'm breastfeeding as an excuse to not help me much with DS. He will have him for cuddles and playing, or look after him for an hour or so if I need to go out but everything else is down to me, including the cooking and housework. I've never seen him read a book or magazine or look anything up on the Internet that is baby related, ie all the 'finding out how to look after a baby stuff' is left to me too. All I get is what such and such from work or his mother has told him, usually a load of crap like giving your baby bread soaked in milk makes them sleep better!
In his defence he is supportive in words, he does tell me often that I'm doing a great job and that I'm doing well with the bf-ing as 'most people give up after a couple of months' But when I think of friends partners and posts I've read on here I can't help but be jealous that they are more hands on.
The other main issue is his snoring, which I have posted about before. It is horrific, before DS I had to sleep with ear plugs in but was still often kept awake. I've tried to get him to see a doctor, I've tried to explain he'll feel better himself if he gets it sorted, I've told him that it can have an effect on his health in general ( I think he had sleep apnoea ) but he won't do anything about it. This means that at weekends I get hardly any sleep as after I've been up with the baby I can't get to sleep because of the racket he is making. It also wakes DS up at times.
We've just had a massive row. DS's sleep is not great at the moment, but tonight he's woken up every hour or less since 1am. I said it was probably DP's snoring as he's not normally this bad. He flipped, went on a rant about how he works his arse off and just wanted one nights sleep in a bed ( he's slept on the sofa a couple of times, but usually comes to bed at some point, also sleeps 7hrs + during day when on nights ), how his back aches and his legs bruised from sleeping on the sofa and how he's knackered.
He's told me he's sick of me moaning about his snoring, how having a baby always makes people split up and that I should move in with my dad if I don't like it! Very mature. I tried to reason with him that I was also knackered ( apparently doesn't matter as I don't have to work ) and that all I'm asking him to do us see a doctor and maybe give me a little bit of support. He just carried on ranting, including 'I haven't even been out to wet the baby's head yet, I bet you go out before I do' - not true, he's been out drinking twice since DS was born.He also was out on a fishing trip all day yesterday. I have only left him for a couple of hours to go and see to my horse or to do some shopping.
Sorry for the long rambling post, I just don't know where to go from here. I can't stand his mood swings, one minute all is fine and we'll have a nice day out and he'll talk about all the stuff we can do together and how great it is having DS. Next thing if I disagree about something or even hint at a criticism he goes off on one and tells me if I don't like it we should just split up, it's like there's no point trying to talk through problems like rational adults.
I don't want us to split up, I want us to be a family. What can I do????

I don't want us to split up, I want us to be a family. What can I do????

You can't change him. You can't change his belief system which is that he and his needs are more important than you and your needs. What can you do? The only thing you can do as far as I can see, is make plans to separate, explain this to him, and give him the option of addressing the issues with you if he wants you to stay. If he chooses not to address them then the choices are leave, or continue like this...

I don't want us to split up, I want us to be a family. What can I do????

You cannot rescue this on your own; unless he is interested in wanting to solve the problems within this relationship this will continue to go nowhere and any love you have left for him will turn to hate.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He won't even address his snoring issues; that to me says a hell of a lot about the man i.e totally selfish and very entitled not just to say burying his head in the sand.

He is not a nice and kind role model for your son is he?. He just belittles and demeans you; probably also regards his mothers opinions more highly than yours. Do you want your son growing up like this individual?.

Your baby is very young, 4 months old and the adjustments to how life has changed can take a while. I think some men find it harder than others.

Could you get a babysitter, even just for an hour during the day and take a walk or go for a drink, just the two of you? Try to reset your feelings for each other, talk if you feel like it.

Sounds like he's going in for 'competitive tiredness' which is infuriating but common and probably because deep down, he knows you're doing most of the baby stuff and are knackered.

Personally, I wouldn't be making plans to split up a 12 year relationship on the back of what will probably have been the hardest 4 months of your lives.

IME and that of my mates it is compulsory to go through a phase of hating your OH and being a bit of a git to them when you have a new baby! My dc2 is same age as your baby and we are just coming out of it now so try not to panic.

Competitive tiredness is a mugs game especially when one contender is bfing a young baby and the other works very long hours so I think you need to refuse to engage with that. Your DH needs to go to GP re snoring, but is there really nowhere else he can sleep besides sofa? You can buy a single mattress for about £40 from a dodgy landlord shop and stick it on the living room floor, we've done this and it's so much better when there is somewhere comfy to sleep.

Try not to get too stressed about all this, things will seem less fraught in another 3 months and you can reevaluate the relationship then if H is being a dick. Can he take some annual leave and get more insight into your life with baby? You could both catch up on some sleep too.

In a way, leaving it to you shows that he thinks you're doing a good job, but he needs to give himself opportunity to be a great parent too and get involved.

Sit down together and discuss your expectations etc but make sure you are both being realistic - "happy family life" is not going to look like the adverts when you're bfing and he works such long hours. Don't put pressure on yourselves to be perfect, if you love baby and each other that's a happy family!

Hope things improve soon.

I wanted to strangle my nsdp most of the time when ours were babies. Exactly the same. My mistake was to put up, and it's carried on. say something now x

He doesn't sound very supportive at all and I know how upsetting it is to read about how others are getting loads of help, DPs being really close and involved with the baby etc, when yours isn't.

If he won't discuss problems rationally without going off on a long rant then you're quite stuck really. If there's any way you can get this through to him then you might have a chance but without it, things are just going to get worse as he's not interested in your problems, only his own. Which isn't a partnership, or a family.

He is still a child. You are living with two children. Agree with Attila and Erik, it is really just a matter of how long you are prepared to put up with this. He is very unlikely to change, because he has no incentive and this sense of entitlement is ingrained.

And I strongly disagree that ending up hating your partner for a bit when children are small is inevitable. A partner who engages with children will help share the problems, not add to the burden as yours is.

This is a typical post from someone with a first baby. Both of you need to make some adjustments, both practically and psychologically.

A newborn does sleep 13+ hours per day, normally. The problem is when they sleep, not the amount. New mothers (normally) need to adjust to sleeping when the baby sleeps. Maybe either let the housework go a bit or, ideally, if you can afford it, get a cleaner. He should address his snoring, although it will take time anyway. Can he not sleep in another room?

It does sound as if he is supportive and wants to help but that he is a bit overwhelmed. You both need to give it time and make a conscious effort not to row and realise a lot of bad temper comes from lack of sleep rather than more serious relationship issues.

To qualify the "hating each other", it seems to be mutual and my DP is very very hands on. It's just two tired shocked imperfect people trying to deal with a newborn. It's not my dps fault he can't bf but it made me resent him a bit for a few weeks!

As I said, expectations need to be discussed, but if op's H works a 60 hour week he is not going to be able to be as supportive as someone like my DP who does 37 in an office 10 mins away and has flexi time and working from home as options. It's hard for them both and I think it's totally normal to feel the relationship is ailing a bit.

"It does sound as if he is supportive and wants to help but that he is a bit overwhelmed."

Ha ha ha. Oh yes that's it, he is a bit overwhelmed, bless him. Pity the OP doesn't get the opportunity to be a bit overwhelmed, behave like a child and get her own way then and lots of sleep at the expense of others in the household. Because god knows who will look after their baby if she chose to behave as he is.

Does he need to work 60 hrs or is that a choice? And when I say choice, I mean is he contracted 60 hrs or does he work above and beyond his contracted hours.

Also there is no being "overwhelmed" with regards him not doing any housework or cooking. That is his sense of entitlement shining through. He doesn't believe it is his responsibility to look after his house or his child.

Abigail,

If the OP had two children, I could take your point. However, he works 60 hours ("min") and the OP's baby is probably awake for about 70-80 hours, so not much difference there. He also probably has to commute and the OP does say he will take the baby for the odd hour so she can go out. That does not seem ridiculously uneven to me. Also, the reality is that the OP can find time to catch up on sleep in the day, her husband cannot. It is difficult for things to be equal with a breast fed newborn, although that can change a lot later on.

I imagine he works those hours for money, something most people need, especially with a new family.

You sound like you are projecting. I am not sure where you get this idea that the OP's husband sounds entitled from? The OP is able to go out for a couple of hours now and then to see her horse. That is not something every new parent finds time for. In her own words, during the week her partner is either sleeping, travelling or working. That sounds quite tough to me, coupled with lack of sleep.

I see you have the usual "leave the bastard" posts among some more helpful ones. It seems to be the stock response on here. Now is not the time to make major decisions, having a tiny baby is hard and so is working a sixty hour week on nights. How many bedrooms do you have? Can you sleep in the baby's room? Can you record his snoring and play it to him? Can you stay with family one night a week? Can you get any other practical help to get through this?

OP I think the first thing to tackle is that you both get some sleep. It sounds like you are both exhausted. As such you're far more likely to get annoyed with each other. A blow up mattress or a futon mattress in the front room might help in the short term.

I've been in the 'snore zone' and me and my XP ended up in separate rooms. It was a God send to get an relatively uninterrupted nights sleep. Just make sure it doesn't become permanent.

I would argue that OP is just as tired as her man and is becoming worn down by his rantings towards her.

Cydonia re your comment:-
" I knew before having him that I would be doing the vast majority of the baby care and accepted this"

I would ask you why you accepted this at all. Did you know before DS was born that he was going to act the same?.

This man does not seem at all interested however, in making any adjustments whatsoever. He has told OP that if she does not like it she can go to her Dad's. Those are not the words of someone who is purely "overwhelmed" (hah).

This man continues to work all the hours God sends, accepts counsel from his friends and his mother seemingly more willingly than Cydonia, he refuses to tackle his sleep disorder. The last two points in particular are hallmarks of someone who is both selfish and entitled. Such men do not change, OP has written about her man's sleep disorder before and he still refuses to do anything about it.

Thanks for the replies, getting other people's opinions does help to get my head around things.
DP doesn't have to work quite so many hours, but his work can be a bit up and down so he's taking the extra hours while he can. We would struggle financially otherwise. Typically he got up this morning as though nothing has happened. However he is going to get some sort of bed today and sleep in the loft conversion when he's off so hopefully that will help. In another couple of months DS can go into his own room so hopefully that will help too.
I do still think he could help me out a little bit more though, even just creating a little less mess in the first place would be a start. I can agree with the poster who said I have two children!
Think I have calmed down a little bit now DS and I have had a couple more hours sleep, I just get so wound up listening to him snoring when I'm up half the night myself. I think I will also take the advice to rest more during the day. It's been tricky as DS doesnt nap much so when he does I tend to dash about 'getting things done'. I think because I'm spending more time in the house than ever before it annoys me when it's messy, especially as we have a Labrador which sheds yellow hair everywhere. Need to relax about that too.
Thanks again for the advice.

Oh, and I have recorded his snoring. I'm going to pick my moment and play it to him and see if we can have a civilised conversation about it. I do think he generally doesn't mean what he says when he has a rant at me, but that's not really the point. I think tiredness is making him moody, he threw a strop this morning ( not at me ) because he couldn't find his slippers.
I think also what doesn't help is that I get into a routine with DS during the week, then it all goes wrong at the weekend meaning DS doesn't sleep as well ( though could be a coincidence ) and I get more stressed.

Cydonia,

re your comment:-
"Typically he got up this morning as though nothing has happened"

Well he would, not at all surprised to read that. To him nothing has happened.
The above can also be construed as telling you to, "put up and shut up. This is who I am".

Cydonia - the person who stated that you have two children was right. But your eldest one is a manchild. So what do you get out of this relationship now.

Does he really and truly have to work all these hours; would you really struggle financially if he was to cut down or does he not want to . What is the proper state of your finances, have you both looked at and gone through the household budget recently?.

How big of him to let her go and see her horse Larry. Ffs he does nothing around the house and the bare minimum with his child. People are really condoning this because he might be "overwhelmed"??

Projection maybe happening on this thread but it certainly isn't from me.

And none of the other suggestions on this thread actually involve him changing anything other than seeking help for snoring which he has already refused to do. They all involve the OP working round his selfishness.

I don't think you can blame him for not reading baby magazines or looking up baby-related stuff on the internet.

Possibly 0.01% of men would do this. And I bet 100% of the wives of those men would happily strangle them rather than hear any helpful bossy advice.

X-post with OP. Listen to Attila, she speaks wisely. It is not a good sign that he is carrying on as if nothing has happened.

Working 60+ hours a week for the family is far from the act of a selfish person wallowing in entitlement . As the OP states 'We would struggle financially otherwise'

Kerry I think the OP means that all responsibility for how the baby is looked after is down to her and it is just another indicator of his disinterest. Other than obviously his "helpful" comments about soaking bread in milk which no doubt the OP was expected to follow...

I disagree getmorenappies. It smacks of a workaholic and they are generally pretty selfish. But it is more than that, as I keep saying. He does f all around the house. That is where the sense of entitlement comes from.

Working a minimum of 60hrs a week on nights to support his family seems pretty supportive IMO. If it was me I'd be beyond angry at being called selfish, entitled and a second child. And yes I know what its like when you child doesn't sleep - 772 consecutive sleepless nights anyone - I still think your DH is getting the shitty end of the stick.

Broken nights I should say - sleepless and I'd probably be dead!