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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can we have a support thread for OHs of alcoholics/problem drinkers?

62 replies

sleeplessbunny · 09/09/2012 19:01

I am struggling to decide how to go forward after a nasty drink-related episode, and looking on here there are at least a few others in a similar position. There also seem to be plenty of people with experience (sadly) and wisdom to share, so perhaps it would be helpful to link up?

Or is there already a support thread that I have missed?

OP posts:
scarletforya · 09/09/2012 19:07

Good idea sb, hope you are ok today Brew

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 09/09/2012 19:39

better, thanks.

DH hasn't touched any since Fri night, don't know how long it'll last. I am feeling bit detached really, like as if I am ready to follow through and actually leave if he breaks the line. It kind of makes me feel lighter, because it's up to him not me. But then I know feeling and doing are not necessarily the same.

Also looking forward to going to the Al-anon meeting on Thursday. I'm sure I'm doing a lot of the "enabling" things people were talking about on my thread so I need to kick those habits.

OP posts:
Llareggub · 09/09/2012 19:54

There was a thread, ages ago. Maybe it has stopped now. I have separated from my alcoholic exH, but we have children together so unfortunately it still had an impact on our lives.

You know all the stuff about you not causing this, and you can't change it, do you? I've been in this nightmare for over six years now, and feeling at last like we are coming through it. Happy to help if I can.

LalaDipsey · 09/09/2012 19:54

Hi. There is a thread called 'support thread for partners of addicts, part two' but it doesn't get much traffic these days. Last post 27/08 by secretsquirrel.
Our 'dh's are sounding scarily similar on each thread which pops up about an alcoholic other half and funny how they seem to be 'functioning alcoholics' and because they are not wasted on a park bench with a bottle of whiskey in a paper bag from 7am they think they're not.

Also scary how our dc are now being affected in the recent threads. I still can't believe I have 'accepted (by not walking away)' what my H has done.

My H managed 6 days without a drink when we started Relate about 6 weeks ago. He is currently at the pub. Has been there since 5.

Llareggub · 09/09/2012 19:54

Detaching is an excellent thing to do IMO.

LalaDipsey · 09/09/2012 19:55

X post! Hiya. Hope you can help!! How did you finally walk away?

Llareggub · 09/09/2012 19:58

I finally asked mine to leave at Christmas after my 5 year old reassured me that daddy wasnt going to have a drink on Christmas day. I couldn't stand my son having to reassure me like that. But really the turning point should have been the bruising he left on my arm, the damage he did to my jaw and the fact he tried to run me over the night before. But weirdly I still thought I could help him. But what my son said kind of snapped something in me.

We are happy now, me and my sons, and my ex is now on Antabuse after a stint in rehab. I have a semi serious relationship with an old friend and I am happy for the first time in years.

scarletforya · 09/09/2012 20:35

I'm so glad you are going to Al anon sb. I left my alcoholic ex a few years ago and built a happy life with a new DP and baby. I know it's very hard, hope you and Lala can get some support here xx

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 09/09/2012 20:42

it changes things completely when the dc are affected, doesn't it llarregub. For years I just put up with it, learnt how to cope with it for myself, suppose just resigned myself to it really. But now it has suddenly smacked me in the face that DD can't choose, can't protect herself and it is my job to do whatever she needs, which includes keeping drunk DH well away from her. I feel stupid for not having realised it earlier.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 09/09/2012 20:49

For me the turning point with my XDP was when he fell over carrying our 7 year old and the 7 year old said " maybe that will teach you a lesson!".

I suppose up till then I thought it hadn't really affected them. We are split up now, he's in AA ( seriously for the first time although he's been in and out for years), and I too am beginning to be happier.

God knows why I didn't get to that point sooner. I suppose I always thought he would change.

When I finally gave up and realised there was nothing I could do - that was when he changed!

amverytired · 09/09/2012 20:56

I would love a support thread like this.
My dh has problems with alcohol - he's had stages where he was drinking 90 units/week. This level of drinking stopped a few years ago, but more recently he was drinking spirits in secret because of stress he said. Since I confronted him about this he has cut down substantially to 2 bottles of wine/week but I still feel anxious that it will start to creep up again.
I've just about stopped drinking anything around him as I felt it was just giving him an excuse, but I know it's not the answer.

LalaDipsey · 09/09/2012 21:35

Sb - it is our job to protect them. I hope we can hold each others hands a bit.
I could have easily written your original post. Your scenario hasn't happened to me, but it could have.
In dd first year I wouldn't let H take her upstairs for a bath at 7pm because he was generally pissed by then (or a bottle of wine down with one to go), and he certainly never went to her at night (too pissed or passed out). He cut down to 1 glass of wine a night last year in january and I thought had changed enough (stupid stupid) and we went ahead with another ivf cycle. The stress of which got him drinking again (poor lamb just had to w*nk FFS!! I had all the meds and 5am starts to get to the clinic!!).
Anyway, his drinking escalated again. In March when dts wouldn't settle he shook him and said 'shut the fuck up you little fuckwit'. When I told him to put him down and walk away he came at me with an upraised fist and said 'it's your fault for being a fucking nagging bitch'
Sb I understand everyone is saying leave. I understand it's not that simple. H is still here. We have said we're separated but I know he thinks we can work it out.
If he had been devastated by what happened and said 'I will make sure it never happens again because I will never drink again' that would have been one thing.
I protect dc by me sleeping in with the twins and never leaving him alone with the dc, drunk or sober. No life though is it?
He got home at 8.30 tonight. So near enough 3.5 hrs of drinking. That will be fun to discuss at Relate tomorrow!!!
Thinking of you all tonight.

LalaDipsey · 09/09/2012 21:38

amverytired - I know. I don't think there can be any trust it won't escalate whilst they are still drinking.
I haven't drunk for over 18months (ivf, pg, bf) but am just beginning to think i may like a glass of wine on occasion after dc are in bed. But I don't want to drink around him.

Ajaney · 09/09/2012 21:49

Thinking of you all.

My DP has recently stopped drinking and is coming up 2 months sober. Previous to this, he would be getting through 180 - 250 units a month. He was never violent but I did feel lonely especially after I stopped drinking when pregnant with DS. The turning point came when he missed work, the next day he went to the GP. He is on anti-d's and seeing an addiction counsellor.

It is still early days but so far we are doing ok.

Please remember that it is their problem not yours. We had some arguments were i would be told i had 'driven him to drink'. This is not true, they are making the decisions.

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 09/09/2012 21:51

lala i have been reading your thread too, and your point about how it would almost be easier if he was always dreadful struck me. Pretty much everyone on my original thread told me to cut my losses and get out, if not for me then for DD, and part of me kind of knows it's inevitable in the end, but I just can't do it. He's too nice, at least when he's sober, but that is still most of the time. It's very hard to turn your back on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 09/09/2012 21:56

Ajaney, best of luck to you and family. I am really really hopeful DH can do the same. But there are just so many people on here telling me that my hope is unrealistic. Sad

You mention anti-ds for your DH, it's something that seems to come up a lot on other threads. Is it common for alcoholics to have underlying depression or is the depression a side effect of the alcoholism? I am convinced DH has depressive episodes, but he has never sought help.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 09/09/2012 22:05

sleepless, I think it is vey common for A s to have problems with depression. In my Xdps case he always said that he drank to deal with the depressive symptoms.

Often people drink because it helps with their emotional problems.

LalaDipsey · 09/09/2012 22:06

Sb I feel it's inevitable too, but for whatever stupid reason I can't yet.
My H also seems depressed from time to time, but alcohol is a depressant so I think it becomes a cycle. Since he cut down his drinking about 2 months ago he is definitely cheerier.

Squeegle · 09/09/2012 22:06

But the confusing thing is that if of course alcohol is a depressive so it makes the original problem worse !

LalaDipsey · 09/09/2012 22:06

Indeed Grin!!

LalaDipsey · 09/09/2012 22:08

Squeegle it seems to happen a lot that they stop just when you give up on them. Is it over for you now regardless of what he does?

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 09/09/2012 22:10

oh, and I don't get the lying part. Everyone on here keeps saying that all alcoholics are liars, can't believe a word they say etc. But DH is the most honest person I know, almost to a fault. It's like he can't actually lie, he just blurts stuff out even if he shouldn't/it's inappropriate. That said, he can be obstinate and pig headed, and is a bit "well I'm telling you I'm doing this, if you don't like it tough". i am not dissimilar So I suppose he avoids making false promises that way.

He hasn't made any promises about not drinking so far, I've just told him my new "rules", he grunted.

Maybe the lying comes later?

OP posts:
Squeegle · 09/09/2012 22:18

To be honest for me now it is over. He is still my children's father and of course that is a big part of my life and theirs. But basically, we have been through so much- and I have realised so much about myself and him that i think it is irretrievable.

A lot that I have realised us about myself: I tend to be a people pleaser, worry about people, accept behaviour from them i would never inflict on others, lack self esteem and confidence (underneath).

I have realised about him that even if he's not drinking he is: intolerant, difficult to please, impatient, rude about others

Essentially, I have realised that I need to put myself first, and that will never happen with him.

Fairenuff · 09/09/2012 22:21

I think a support thread is a wonderful idea and I hope it continues.

SB the lying is just in relation to the alcohol, as in how much and/or how often they drink, or blaming everthing and everyone else for them 'needing' a drink, or promising to stop or cut down, etc.

Wishing you all the strength and courage to make the right choices for yourselves and your dcs x

Squeegle · 09/09/2012 22:23

By the way- re the lying, my XDP is not naturally a liar. What i didrealise about him, over about 10 years, was that he was incapable literally , about being truthful about drinking. I realise now it's all about the addiction, and i was naive to expect anything else. For example I would say " you won't drink when looking after the kids will you?". He would say of course not.

And then I would come home and he would be out for the count! I used to think he was lying.... Now I just realise it was impossible for him to tell the truth!