can we have a support thread for OHs of alcoholics/problem drinkers?

[sleeplessbunny]

I am struggling to decide how to go forward after a nasty drink-related episode, and looking on here there are at least a few others in a similar position. There also seem to be plenty of people with experience (sadly) and wisdom to share, so perhaps it would be helpful to link up?

Or is there already a support thread that I have missed?

Inevitably there will be a difference between this thread and the babes thread. We, the partners of problem drinkers are telling it how it has been from our perspective. As parents we have had to make decisions to protect our children from alcohol. When my DS was a baby and I was on maternity leave I could protect him from my lovely but frankly useless DH, but as DS grew older and became aware I had to act to protect him before that decision was taken out of my hands. My DS was 5 when he was articulating to me the impact of his daddy choosing not to drink the can that was hidden in the bush, or reporting to me the my 3 year old had found daddy's hidden vodka in the sodding laundry bin. So it's bound to be different.

Yes my husband doesn't think it is a problem that he spends every weekend evening snoring in a drunken heap, that he spent the night snorning in the corridor of a hotel at a family party because he was too pissed to make it into the room, that he fell asleep at the table in a crowded restaurant in the middle of London and was laughed at by the young crowd on the next table, that the DD's think the only suitable birthday present for Daddy is a bottle of wine, and that I once had to call out the police because he went AWOL on freezing cold country lanes at 2am in the morning trying to find his way back from the station (I should add that he repeatedly called me to collect him, called me a bitch because I didn't, and then pretended to have had a heart attack). None of that is a problem apparently because he's a really nice bloke who works hard for his family, but just happens to like a glass of wine to help him "relax". Yes the brave babes is an inspiring thread but yes I think the key difference is the attitude. Admitting there is a problem and trying really hard to overcome it is very different from the attitude of many of the DH's I have read about on these threads.

Yes, the "wake up call" is important. But does not mean the partner really will stay sober 'forever.' My DH had heart failure from drinking. Before that he would stop for awhile, weeks or even a couple of months, and then have 'just one' on a 'special occasion', that within weeks would turn into a sunny day, a rainy day, Tuesday, every day a 'special occasion'.

After 3 weeks in hospital and very ill he quit for 2 1/2 years. He then started drinking in secret. So, at no point since the heart failure has he actually said he can drink again. That is the key thing: before the heart failure there were excuses, like many of the men you seem to be talking about. They are in denial. Mine at least knows he can not drink, can not have one, can not have any, ever again. He still has lapses but very very rare ones. he is in alcohol counseling and group meetings. We are not at all out of the woods. But when I read the threads about the embarrassing behaviour at parties, getting lost outside, pissing in the totally wrong place, I am glad that at the very least we have come past that. Short of a major health scare, though, I don't really know what will make them wake up.

Sorry if rambling. I think this is a good thread for everyone to share.

I was asked about the anti-d's. The rehab counsellor is big on the term 'self-medicate' with my DP. She says he was using alcohol to relax but it makes you depressed and then you drink more because you feel depressed and then it becomes a vicious circle.

The GP has just given my DP a further repeat prescription for 6 months fluoxetine and encouraged him to take them 1 a day for the next few months, this was after he saw the counsellor who breathalysed him and wrote to the GP.

Some of your stories are truly heartbreaking. When not drinking, my DP was a good father, a good partner and worked hard in a shift job to give us a nice life. He wasn't drinking to the point of passing out drunk but he would retreat into himself, nit wanting to engage with anyone. It was making him miserable. Some of you are dealing with really heavy drinkers and i can imagine how hard it is.

So here we are just about 2 months sober. I really don't know what the future holds but so far life has been much calmer, my DP is spending more tine with me and DS. He has a DS from previous relationship who stays 2 nights a week so it is better for him too.

Of course I worry if it will last. I feel bad about doubting him but alcohol is a cruel mistress. Everything at the moment is good and I hope it stays this way.

I reckon I'm in denial too. Given what I have mentioned above, I still don't see dh as being a heavy drinker. He goes through phases where he drinks moderately (2 bottles wine per week - over 2 maybe 3 nights). This can last for months. Then things get stressful for him at work/home and the amount seems to creep up.
He makes all the excuses for why it's ok for him to drink, and accuses me of being controlling - which I am.
His mother died young as a result of alcohol, so it's not as though he doesn't realise what the consequences can be.

I am controlling too. I try not to be but it is really hard. I feel that all responsibility falls to me at the end of the day.silly really, but that's how I feel.

How do you all deal with talking to people in RL about your OH's alcohol problem?In the past I have been guilty of minimising it to friends and family while at the same time often blowing a fuse about out when talking to DH privately.

Now that DH hasn't been drinking for the last few days, neither he nor I know what to say about it to others. I am just scared of mentioning it at all, I am so glad he has stopped for now at least and I don't want to be making it harder.

Yesterday, our neighbour handed me some beer forDH to say thank you for some gardening he did for her. I didn't want to refuse it, so I took it and put it in the shed. I then felt weird about it and decided I should tell him it was there, mainly because the neighbour will no doubt ask him at some point whether he enjoyed it. But immediately after having told him I regretted it.I could almost see pain on his face.

What is the right thing to do?

Marking place for later

I've only spoken to one friend (the one with the dinner party) and my therapist about it IRL.
Actually my brother knows a little as well, but it's several years now since I've talked about it to him.

Dh seems to have things under control at the moment - but we've been here before....

I'm really glad I've been able to talk to SIL about it, but that's only because she was staying with us the night DH got into DDs cot. I would never have told her other wise.but she's been great support. I'm wondering of i'm stupid for not talking to others in RL about it. But it's hard to even envisage the conversation, it would be a very difficult thing to just bring up. And I don't want people to pity me.

I spoke to a couple of friends about 18 months ago. I then started being really open after posting on MN a few months ago. Started speaking to DSis then DM then a few more friends.
I don't know where I am at the moment - ip or down. H seems to be taking responsibility finally for his behaviour and seeming genuinely sorry but isn't completely dropout drinking - thinks a couple of bottles of beer a night is ok; except when he fancies a few more and then that's ok too.
I don't see how that is possible. He has been drinking 1.5-2 bottles of wine a night for a good 3 years up until 6 weeks ago. I think that makes him an alcoholic (oh and before 3 years ago it would be 1-1.5btls a night!)

Sb I think it's great an 'inlaw' knows. It means all the support isn't from 'your camp' which should help you and him. Does she have any suggestions for you/him?

Thing is, it is neither here nor there whether a person is technically "an alcoholic" or not.

If you, as a partner/family member have a problem with the amount they drink, whether one glass a week or one bottle a night, then it is a problem.

In some cultures, alcohol is an absolute no-no so a family member indulging in any sort of alcholic drink could cause heartache to other family members.

In western culture, heavy and binge drinking is so commonplace that we look to terms such as alcoholic and addict to try to frame the behaviour.

But we can simplify this by asking ourselves, is it a problem for me? If the answer is yes, then you can address the problem and what you can do to solve it for yourself. You cannot however, solve it for them