can we have a support thread for OHs of alcoholics/problem drinkers?

[sleeplessbunny]

I am struggling to decide how to go forward after a nasty drink-related episode, and looking on here there are at least a few others in a similar position. There also seem to be plenty of people with experience (sadly) and wisdom to share, so perhaps it would be helpful to link up?

Or is there already a support thread that I have missed?

makes sense, squeegle. I've never actually asked dh to make any assurances re. drinking so maybe that's why I haven't experienced it (yet)

My ex became a liar when I asked him not to drink any more. Of course he started doing it in secret. Eventually he gave up drinking for 4 years but never really addressed what made him drink. When he started again it was so much worse. Now I don't believe a word he says - when he lies I genuinely believe he does it in order to please me. He'll tell me he hasn't had a drink because that's what he wants me to think. He got us into a terrible mess with money, it has been horrendous.

I stayed with him for far too long. He is a good person but not good for me or our children.

I spent 16 years with a man hoping and praying he would try to stop drinking. In the end I became ill and was signed off work with emotional distress. I stayed until I broke trying to keep the family together. We have been apart a year and he has moved hours away from the children and moved in with his brand new girlfriend to start his brand new life. (Still drinking) and I'm Stil trying to work through the utter shit he had put us all through. I'm fucking bitter. Although I hope not to be forever. When he does have the children I have had to go and bring them hone cause he's been passed out and wankered. If other people are with him its ok but I've had to stop him having them overnight alone as he is incapable of not drinking for the two nights a month he's meant to see them. I'm completly broken by the whole thing and the children are losing out on a dad, he's off pretending to be the life and sole of the party. If you live with a drinker be aware keep your eyes wide open cause sometimes its just not fixable

Yes, I think that is right, often it is about what we want to hear. They truly believe their secret is so shameful they are in denial.

I had many bad occasions- but one if the worst was when i was away in France for 2 days with work. Our kids were 2 and 4. I rang him, around 6 pm. He had that funny tone in his voice, he had been drinking.i said , have you had a drink? He got all angry and stroppy " of course not, you are mad, what's wrong with you?" efc, I'm sure you all know what I mean.

I was beside myself with worry, I could not get back within 24 hours. When i arrived back, he was in bed, the kids were wandering around the house.

No one was hurt but I know now I was wrong to leave him. He was absolutely incapable of staying sober! I am so sorry it took me so long to realise this.

Hi, I read your original thread, SB, and like others, could have wrote it myself. I have left my H (18month ago). I have 3 DCs, aged 2, 4 and 6. I got PND, but it was really depression due to coping with a shit life. Through sessions with a psychiatrist, I realised that I could only be happy again, if I changed my life, as I realised my H did not acknowledge his drinking as a problem. So I left him, went back briefly and we went to relationship counselling, but he continued to drink, so I left for good.
My eldest had maternal separation anxiety, and to this day struggles to sleep at night, I feel due to his recollections of hearing my noisy ex late at night, either playing music, or arguing with me, or worse, going into his room to chat to him.
It's sad but even to this day he does not acknowledge his drinking was the problem. If he had stopped drinking we would probably still be together.
Anyway. I really wish you all well. I'm still struggling with single life, but it's better than putting myself and my young DCs at risk!

Hiya, have started my own thread as well as before I saw this but yes just to add my own thoughts. Yes my DH is completely in denial. He sees his drinking as a harmless little habit that should be ignored because everything else about him is lovely! He also says I eat too much and that it is the same thing - I think he sees that as somehow making his problem more acceptable.

I am giving away information here that will completely out me to anyone who knows me but I don't care. A few weeks ago, DH was working as usual in London. Me and the DD's spent a few days at my in-laws which is close to London, so I took the opportunity to go up on the train and meet him after work for the evening. At first it was lovely, we had a stroll around and a drink in a pub, it was like being on a date and we had time to talk and it was really good. But I watched him getting more and more pissed in front of my eyes. We went for a meal and he downed about three large glasses of red very quickly. I went to the loo and when I came back he was slumped, fast asleep at the table - people on the next table were actually laughing at him. Of course I woke him up and we left, but I should have just bloody left him there.

His Mum knows he is an alcoholic, she just blames herself. His Dad sees it as a character flaw, thinks he should just pull himself together. I think they would be very upset for us to divorce (20th anniversary next year) but not surprised.

Alcoholism is such a devastating problem, it's seen as a harmless thing, people even joke about it, but really it's terrible for the families living with it.

My alcoholic ex was and still is a constant liar. He has recently stopped drinking but I know without some form of help he will implode in a few weeks and the benders will start again.
Monstermissy I have feelings of bitterness that I can't reconcile and will have to get myself to al anon rather than carry this weight.
I also have refused overnight stays for my boys based on his inability to stay sober the night before he see them every second week. A couple of times his hangovers have been so bad at handover his hands are shaking and his face was grey.... it makes me sick to look at him sometimes.

Agree it is terrible, a real curse. But things can change.

The only thing us that it us them who have to want to make that change.

It's great to read all these messages, my partner is also an alcoholic and I am almost 8 months pregnant with our first. My man says he wants to quit but he only stays off it 1-2 days at a time, then it is back to usual.

Good to read all these posts. Some of you leaving, some still trying.

Interesting that someone's H was sober 3 and then went back to drinking. My friends who are alcohol counsellors said that when someone goes back it can be harder to stop a second time. I am seeing that now and have told H to find a hostel tomorrow.

I worry next about DD. I don't know if he will want to see her and what the logistics are about that. Maybe that's for another thread. Anyway just saying hello and here's another one in the same boat.

M ex lives with his parents so I am happy for them to go there as they are always supervised. He has lost his licence and no longer has a car so I know they are safe. However at the moment he is on Antabuse so I am sure he is not drinking.

It is certainly my experience that it has been harder for him to stop this time. In hindsight I wonder if he actually stopped at all. He went to AA but never really worked the steps.

I am now starting to date again and struggling a bit to let men get close. It's really hard.

Cor, it's depressing isn't it? Does anyone have any stories about people who actually managed to quit successfully? I an clinging on desperately here to (false?) hope.

Also, has anyone actually been to an al-anon meeting?

Well, if you'd asked me a year ago I would have given you my ex as a success story, as he stayed sober for 5 years (or was it 4.5?) and if you search my user name you'll probably find them. I've met loads of AA people who have managed to stay sober, but IME they are the ones that hand themselves over to the programme and live and breathe it.

Sorry but it is hard to give you words of encouragement. You probably won't find them at Al Anon either. I've been to a few meetings and they were great but hard for me to get to with 2 kids under 5 as I had no one to leave them with.

I've been to an Al Anon meeting and found it horribly depressing.

I do, however, have one success story, straight from a friend who I know in real life, not an internet story. He mother kicked her father out for drinking. After 2 years of sobriety, he was allowed to come back. And on his deathbed, when his daughter (now grown up) brought him a whiskey, a cigarette and the family dog, he took the smoke and the dog but refused the drink, even though at that point he was dying anyway(from old age, not directly from drink.)

It is, however, the only success story I know...

But I have a friend in Australia who has stayed sober by throwing herself into adventure sports. These men need something that will replace the urge to drink. They need to want to change. They need to get out of their patterns.

I think there are quite a few success stories, just as there are some failures. My EXP has two very close friends who he met through AA and who have both been sober 10 years or more. They inspire him with their peace of mind- I want what they have, he says.

But it's like Llareggub says, it seems to be that those who are successful are those who are truly committed to massive change- whether with AA or not.

Alcoholism is something that affects the whole of a persons attitude, and it seems to me that unless someone tackles the root cause of why they drink, why they have the need to escape etc, then it will always be a very difficult fight. My XDP was like that for a while, a dry drunk if you like.

Difficult for him and difficult for me too. I don't know the answers I am afraid, but as I said before, the key for me was recognising my own boundaries and those of the children (who didn't have a choice). I realised I couldn't affect him drinking, but I could make the choice of whether I wanted to live in that way.

Sounds simple, and obviously it's not! There was a lot of pain and heartache there, but that's what it boiled down to.

And things are so much better now. It made me realise that I put up with a lot that others wouldn't, and has forced me to confront my own co-dependence, my need to concentrate on others, my own lack of self esteem, which is probably not evident superficially, but is a big part of why I allowed my life to be shaped like that. Anyway, I'm not cured either- but at least I feel I'm on the road to a healthier path!

Ps there is a good website called sober recovery, which has a forum on it. There is a section for friends and family. It is a bit American if you know what I mean, but it was really helpful to me.

I never went to any al anon meetings either, partly due to the difficulties of going with 2 small DCs and a full time job, and alcoholic partner. But I did get a lot of understanding of alcoholism through reading and sometimes posting on the site.

It helped and encouraged me to get support in RL. Before that I had kept quiet, even to very good friends and my parents. Which obviously made it my secret shame too! It was such a relief to be able to be honest, and to say to people why I felt I could not for example go away for a weekend and leave the DCs with XP.

We had a stage of the blind leading the blind. I was in hospital twice for an alcohol problem and depression. Twice my husband was told NOT to have alcohol in the house. Twice he promised he would not have it in the house. Twice he agreed that he was bad and that he would go dry with me.

I am getting much better. I see a counsellor and have diversion techniques. My parents and daughters have all commented on how I've changed. I have a full-time job (which I didn't in the dark days) and more conscious about my physical appearance and the horror of pushing people away.

This weekend my daughter came to stay with our baby grandchild. I was not even tempted. I remember a doctor asking me if I wanted any future grandchildren to even meet me. Or my children not letting me near my grandchildren.

I was worried about my husband drinking and was pleased when he was just drinking sparkling water. I got suspicious, had a sniff when he was in the kitchen and it was gin and tonic. Daughter was impressed that he was doing all the cooking. Yes, because he is near the fridge.

I haven't been to a meeting. I decided to get on with my life on my terms and left him to sort out his life on his terms.

Coloured heavily by the fact he is an alcohol therapist, he runs these meetings, (not AA btw) and talks the talk, but in full denial about his own addiction. So you see I don't have a lot of faith in the help service working.

My view is that it is so embedded in their personality, their beliefs and upbringing, that unravelling involves full commitment and long-term help. If either of these is missing, it isn't going to change.

But I am a cynical old boot so hey ho

Take my ex-P, I got to the point where I wished someone would, just before I told him it was over. That was 6 years ago. Best move I ever made, he was an awful Dad, partner.
A close friend dying made me see how short life can be and, looking forward at mine, I could see that it was going to be a bleak future and it was up to me to change it because, if my life stayed as bad as it was, (and I knew it would more likely get worse) then what is the point of my life?
I also felt at the time it had to be done then as my DS was 3 and would become aware of things the older he got and I did not want him to have to start school and deal with a split all in the same year.
Has worked out well. DS is bright, funny, well-adjusted, everyone says how lovely he is and he makes me proud every day. All this despite being passed from one family member to another while I work full-time shifts to keep up the mortgage etc.
Sadly, DS' D has not worked for 7 years (can't see him ever doing again). A stint in rehab earlier this year kept him dry for about 2 months, but these days he just thinks he's done well to be drinking less than before the rehab ! - although it's still throughout the day, every day, just to stop from shaking. Ex-P lives with his parents a distance away, I used to let DS stay weekends until his abusive GD had an episode of violence while staying over (DS was in the garden at the time but still too close for me to tolerate). Ex-P had to witness a lot of violence from his D on his DM growing up (she still tolerates this after 40 years "because she loves him"), explains the EA my ex-P displayed and his other problems, but that does not excuse it.
So now DS sees his Dad less and less and wonders why (he still has him on a pedastool). GM wants to see her GS but won't without GD and I won't allow him to and that's not my problem. Meantime, I lead my own happy life and I'm passed caring about the dysfunctional lot of them. Taking charge of your own destiny is the best way anyone can lead there lives I feel. Relationships are there to enhance life not to consume it :-)

Opentoffers, that's a very inspiring post.

Bushy, not wanting to minimise the good things that have happened, but did you get the feeling he poured the wine down the sink because HE wanted to, or because he thought you might want him to?

Oops sorry, wrong thread - still meant what I said about the inspiring post just ignore my comments re. bushy!

I've been reading bushy's thread too, a lot of good advice and lovely support on there.

DH hasn't had a drink since the cot incident on Friday night, hasn't even said he wants one though I'm sure he must. I am hopeful that he's taken it seriously enough, but I know it's still very early days. He is still reading his book (he is a very slow reader, think he might even be dyslexic, but it's the same with any book so I know he's not just putting it off), it's the Alan Carr one. I am praying that it's helping him.

I have been off work for the last couple of days (flu-y) and I've spent a long time reading through the "brave babes" thread. It's a real eye-opener for me, I really want to show it to DH as there is so much positivity on there, but I don't think it's the right time yet.

I might get flamed for being in denial/blinded by optimism or whatever, but when I read the babes' thread, I get a completely different vibe to the one I've felt here and on my original thread. Here, the prevailing opinion (with a couple of exceptions) seems to be that whatever promises & efforts DH makes, they are likely to fail and life will inevitably get worse and worse until I finally pluck up the courage to leave him. Obviously, that makes me .

But on the babes thread, I see normal people who are struggling valiantly against a nasty addiction and a lot of them are doing brilliantly. Some are also suffering in other ways and yet they find the strength. They certainly haven't written themselves off, and in the same way I can't do that to DH. At least not yet.

bunny your dh would be most welcome on the brave babes thread, it's for anyone who wants support, not just women. It's completely non-judgemental, a safe place to share experiences, worries or to offer advice.

If you follow the links right back to the very first thread, it is an inspiring read. Your dh might find it helpful when he's finished his book because there is a wealth of advice on there and he can just lurk and learn if that's what he wants.

It can also be an eye-opener for partners of alcoholics/problem drinkers to read. You get the whole story from another perspective and can see why it's so hard for some people to stop.

The common theme is that everyone on the thread wants to do something about their drinking, whether it's stopping, controlling, cutting back. It's a wonderful, supportive thread and has helped so many people.

Isn't the big difference between the 'Brave Babes' thread and this that the 'Brave Babes' themselves have admitted there's a problem and are tackling it themselves?

There's a world of difference between that and my dh for example, claiming that actually I was drinking at least 1/2 of the 90+ units a week being consumed in our house every week (I might get a glass out of a bottle if I'm lucky, certainly not 2). Or when I came across his stash of gin, whiskey, vodka that he was tippling straight after work in the garage so as to make the children's bedtime less stressful - he denied that he knew anything about it at first, and even after that he refused to see it as being a problem. Or the time he was so pissed he ended up naked in a police cell for the night after trying to smash our front door in because he couldn't find his keys (I wasn't in) - that's not a problem either apparently. Nor is him getting up in the middle of the night and pissing on the radiator, nor is it a problem for him when he conks out at the table at a friends dinner party - he was just 'tired'.

Dh is still in the mindset that his drinking is not a problem just because he doesn't behave like this all the time.

Yes I think you're right tired. Sorry to hear about your DH. I suppose we (i.e. partners) just want them to have their "wake-up call" and realise the negative impact they are having on themselves/family/friends. Although by all accounts, even then it is still very hard work.