He wants to separate

[McBuckers]

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

yes, the weekend won't work love, he's still getting it his own way, in fact that is a dream result for him, gets to shag the OW and practically be single and childless all week, then gets to be dad of the year at the wknds??!! it's fucking madness, and will break your kids hearts. ffs think of them, and yourself.

Go to Poundland, get a roll of economy black bin-liners, chuck his stuff in, call taxi, load car, drive to his work or OW's house, unload car. Job done!

Bollocks to his breakdown!

He's playing you like a fiddle and has you exactly where he wants you. Bet you are still doing his laundry and cooking for him too.

He was with the OW just before you gave birth. He has ZERO respect or love for you. That is the time when a decent loving partner would be by your side and unable to think of anything but you and his child, because he loves you so much.

Why are you putting up with being second best?

What about your previous relationships and the relationships around you - have they been like this?

He doesn't deserve you. Go and see a solicitor, please. He is horrible.

Sorry to be blunt but i am so saddened when i read threads like this and what many women endure. Your children will be fine - yes, it will take some adjusting and won't be easy, but they are young. They can have a relationship with their dad and a mother who is strong and doesn't take shit from men like this.

Firstly I applaud that you have tried to make the marriage work. However! It's time to nail your flag to the mast girl. Think about the impact this will be having on your kids an what you are teaching them re respecting women.
This is not your fault clearly he cant keep it in his pants and your paying the price for this.
I'm a social worker and yes you can move the kids away however so can he if he is on the birth certificate. You need to see a lawyer ASAP. Stay in the house or ow could end up in there! Make him leave, tell him it's what's best for children. If he is any kind of dad he will agree and leave.
Lastly you do have support even if you not near family. Where do you live? Maybe some mums netters near you!
Good luck and chin up you can do way better!!!

Though no-one here can say for sure, statistically it's extremely unlikley that he's having a breakdown. What he's almost certainly having however is a great big pity-fest as he's realising how his cosy selfish little set up is in danger of crashing round his ears. Moping about, seeming moody etc etc is designed to elicit sympathy from you - or at least give him some breathing space while he decides what to do/what he wants. I'm sure it's not a question of him being genuinely torn and giving genuine consideration to the situation - but more him panicking because you're looking as if you're going to force a timetable on him which doesn't suit. There's every chance his thing with the OW isn't some soppy love story but an opportunistic fuck ... but now, with you pressuring him to leave - and telling him to go to her (for example) - he's having to face up to "getting serious" with a woman he doesn't want to get serious with anyway.

(BTW: dunno if you watch Corrie, but that'd be a bit like the Stella/Carl/Sunita story with him leaving Stella and moving in with Sunita even though he doesn't want to - simply because he has nowhere else to go)

Whatever ...... none of this should be your problem. Insisting on remaining at home - regardless of his legal right to be there - is, under the circumstances cruel and incredibly selfish. Not only towards you but the children as well. Unless you live in a mansion with separate wings I can't see how this would ever work ... even on, as suggested, a part time weekend basis. While you remain in such close proximity then you are vulnerable to any attention seeking displays of "poor me" (FFS!!!) behaviour and of course his mere physical presence will make it almost impossible to make the emotional break you need to start making from him. Shagging you the other night (not making love by any stretch of the imagination) was, apart from being a selfish physical release) was likely to have been his way of keeping you sweet just so far as to knock your resolve about him leaving. Note how he didn't say after what an absolute bastard I've been or anything like that, but went back to this woe is me I'm conflicted stance. So .... throwing you a few crumbs of hope by being intimate, then almost immediately crushing you again by what he said. Note he didn't say it was definitely all over .... he's basically dangling you on a string.

I doubt he wants you or the OW really. What he wants, as you've correctly identified is sex to suit, a housekeeper, no responsibility, no calls on his time unless he wants and so on. As so many others have already said the pathetic little man-boy should have thought of all that before becoming a father then shouldn't he ... and he should have sorted out some permanent birth control for himself before adding to the responsibility that he doesn't want to have. But he didn't want that either did he ? Everything is about what he wants, what suits him. He doesn't like the idea of leaving and having to find somewhere to sleep poor baby so instead he's inflicting this intolerable situation on you and his children. What a nasty cunt he really is.

You really really need to see a solicitor as soon as you can. Knowledge is power after all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and so angry for you.

Yup, what they all said. That Willard guy speaks such sense.

You only have one choice here. Boot him out, with all his crap. See how he likes it at his cosy love nest then.

When OW is faced with his laundry pile, and your twat husband is faced with the reality of living with her full time, their dream will turn to shit.

And you'll hold all the cards. Do it.

Can I point out that being a serial fucktard is not a mental illness! It's not a breakdown that's getting to him it's the reality of the situation he has caused!
Note that I said HE caused not YOU!!

But if I chuck him out he'll stop paying into the joint account and I can't afford all the bills etc myself.

Go and see CAB and a solicitor (find one that offers free half hour consultations). Also contact CSA, tax credits etc. You need to be proactive and find out what you are entitled to - that way you will feel stronger.

You really need to confide in close family and friends and get their support.

That's why you need legal advice so you know exactly where you stand. I'm not entirely sure but I think that it's possible to apply to court for a short term maintenance order (if this can't be agreed amicably) which would perhaps tide you over until everything's been finalised in a divorce.

Also ... it may be very useful to see the CAB about money - what benefits you might be entitled to etc., and to work out before you panic what you'd need to survive on if he wasn't there. Take into account single person's discount on council tax, and maybe enquire about a mortgage holiday and/or a temporary switch to interest only payments in the interim. Obviously he would have to pay you child maintenance. Again, if this can't be agreed amicably then you'd need to get CSA involved and he couldn't simply refuse once they're involved.

Consider that your current mortgage would be a temporary issue if you intend to move back to your home town - though obviously housing would still need to be taken into account when you get there.

Get onto tax credits today to tell them that you have split up. They will redo your claim as a single parent and then once you have that coming in, you can chuck him out. Also tell him that unless he ponys up 25% of his wages to you in maintenance (the CSA rate for 3 children) then you will be onto them to have it taken out of his wages.

You will manage, and there are plenty of people who will help you :)

Go to www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx and go through their benefits calculator. It isnt exact but should give you a rough idea of what you income would be. You may also be entitled to housing benefit if you pay rent rather than mortgage and you will definitely be entitled to a reduction in council tax if he moves out, as a single adult in the house. Him staying at the house every weekend could screw up your benefits entitlement though, so ffs dont let that happen.

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

bugger, sorry!

"But if I chuck him out he'll stop paying into the joint account and I can't afford all the bills etc myself."

Oh well, you must keep him then. At any and all costs.

Come off it. Get thee to a solicitor right this minute.

Yes, come on McBuckers.

You know in your logical mind that he can't stop paying for his children and that if he does, there will be a safety net there so that you don't all starve while the CSA catches up with him.

You also know logically that trying to appease someone, or worse still trying to stay with him, just because you think he'd shaft you and his children if you didn't, is always the wrong reason.

What's really going on here is fear of being on your own, losing this 'relationship' and being a lone co-parent.

All those fears are understandable, but you need to acknowledge them.

And stop thinking that he's mentally ill and if you pretend to the world and your children that he's working away during the week for long enough, he will 'come to his senses' and return as a decent husband and father.

He won't.

This isn't just about you either, it's about your children. How is your poor DD today for example, after her father's disgraceful behaviour yesterday? You need to put your energies into her and your other children right now and make wise choices about their welfare.

You need to live separately however you manage it and he needs to know your relationship is over.

He needs to get on with the business of being a lone co-parent in his own space, a completely different space to the one in which you are living.

Right now he's lost nothing, not even your respect it seems.

Finding out what you're entitled to, how you can save money short term (e.g. mortgage holiday) etc is also about you taking control of the situation. I totally appreciate that change is scary and that when you split up and/or move there'll almost certainly be additional costs to consider and yes, maybe your standard of living might drop a little (though depending on circumstances and entitlement it doesn't always) but, and this is a big but, if you do nothing and accept the status quo I strongly suspect that quite apart from living in a goddamnawful situation which is going to mess with your head big time (plus the kids) he will leave sooner or later anyway. It'll just be on his timescale as opposed to yours - and on the basis of past evidence, and his complete lack of remorse for what's happened - I doubt you will get the courtesy of any prior warning or discussion. He'll just up and leave when it suits him and you'll be left dealing with the fallout. It's far far better that you start to investigate how you can cope on your own now without having it forced on you out of the blue. Okay ..... sure, this whole thing is pretty out of the blue I know and you're feeling very shocked, but if you arm yourself with knowledge now it'd be like reclaiming some of the confidence he's taken from you these last few days and you can drive things the way you want in your own time.

What are you thinking ?

He gets the best of both worlds with this plan. What will you tell the DC...he goes back to his gf on sun evening ?

This is awful, truly awful and guaranteed to fuck you up (even more)

You will never bet the chance to move on (meet a decent bloke perhaps) with him hanging.g around like bad smell

I totally agree with five

God, I hate typing on a phone, sorry about silly words appearing everywhere.

I've got a CAB appointment next week and am attending a legal clinic.

This may sound pathetic but I never want the kids to see that I acted in any way badly throughout this. If I throw him out or change the locks he would always be able to use it against me.

I'm going to speak to his family and try to get them to exert some pressure on him to leave.

I don't think I'll be entitled to any benefits as I earn a good salary. Though I'm not sure I'll be able to continue to work with the child care costs and travel being so high. Even for just 3 days a week the nursery costs for 2 kids will come in at around £1300 a month and travel is around £350 a month.

" If I throw him out or change the locks he would always be able to use it against me."

That's utter, utter bollocks. He shags other women. The end.

Go off sick for a bit to get yourself together. That way you can get a grip on the finances, see of you can work/stay at home etc.

If you fear that he won't pay the bills if you kick him out then you need to take control of the money RIGHT NOW before the charmer decides to empty your accounts, hide assets, or blow it all on the new woman.

Please OP, we're all rooting for you, and sending you loving virtual kicks up the arse! Can you see a solicitor today? Do you have a legal helpline through work?

Yes you need to practise your incredulous "you must be raving mad" look and say:

"Look H, you get married and you either stay faithful, work through your problems together and are still living together when you are 80, or you fuck other women, move out and get divorced on the grounds of adultery. There is NO middle ground. There is no "fuck other women and stay living together" option. Are you actually mad? What planet are you ON?"

Do not change locks! I know from experience that this is actually illegal. You can get loads of benigits as a single parent so don't worry about money. Besides money will not teach your dc to respect themselves and others but your actions during this difficult time will! Stay strong!

yeah i'm afraid i don't think you are considering your children nearly enough in this. i understand you're scared but you're a mum - we have to have backbones of steel.

If you don't want the kids to see you behaving badly over this, then you will do what needs to be done and separate from their monumentally selfish father, whose behaviour is causing your DD dreadful angst right now.

There is always a middle ground between slinging dustbin bags on the lawn and unilaterally changing locks - and remaining in the same house, causing havoc to the children's equilibrium (and your own). It doesn't have to be that black or white.

What people often misunderstand is that leaving a house and temporarily losing the right to enter what has become the other (now separate) person's home when you feel like it, does not mean losing your rights to the bricks and mortar if and when it's sold. It's simple to put a legal charge on the house and not lose any rights to it. That's available to you too.

If your husband is selfish and entitled enough not to leave the house, or doesn't understand the above, then you don't have to live with him. While it would of course be absurd for him to remain in a family house on his own while you have to find somewhere else for you and the children, that does need to be your bottom line - that what ever happens, you will not live with him and continue to expose your children to these upsetting scenes.

If you and others can persuade him to leave and agreeing to the locks being changed, then that's the best and fairest outcome.

You need to make a home for you and your children that is inviolate. Take every step available to you in order to achieve that.

Under what circumstances would your children hold the fact that you threw their cheating, twat of a father out of the house?

I'd actually lose respect for my mother if she did that and wonder what kind of dormat person she was to have that little respect for herself.

You need to get on to the CSA asap, if he will use money against you as a way to keep a foot in the door.

Oh and rub chillies in his boxers, for good measure. The wanker.