He wants to separate

[McBuckers]

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

By the way OP, because you've changed the capital 'B' in Buckers to a small b, your posts are now not showing as the OP's.

Even from a strategic viewpoint it is a sensible thing to do. Lets just agree for a moment that you do love him, and want to keep him, since you have said that is the case.

OP, in that case, you would far rather he was begging you to stay with him, rather than telling you how he plans to live, and expecting you to take it.

If you chuck him out now, there is at least a chance of that outcome, whereas staying with him means that he will never face any painful consequences of his decision, no has no reason to stop having affairs, at all.

Interestingly, though, the changes you will make to yourself to enable you to do that, the independent mindedness and self respect you will need to develop, may possibly make you feel that it is you who doesnt need him, as opposed to the other way around.

Under those circumstances, if you did then take him back, it would be because he was a changed man, as opposed to a selfish git.

And if it all backfires? It may well. In that case, he never, ever was going to change, and you would have found out earlier.

yes i lost all respect and trust for BOTH of my parents and looking back i'm still disgusted by their utter childishness and selfishness that his adultery and her codependency and the drama she put us through in order to 'keep' him (using us in the process) displayed. they didn't think of us AT ALL really and that was obvious to us.

grown ups leave a relationship they are not happy with cleanly and decently especially when their children are involved rather than start shagging about and bringing home the drama and trauma to the kids. the other half, if grown up, puts the kids first and gets the home stable again for them as their priority - not 'but i love 'im' and dragging the kids through emotional hysteria as they do their emotional drama over and over.

sorry to be harsh but these are facts.

seriously you may have another husband your children WON'T get another childhood.

OP - this is what you should do:

Tell him that he can go to OW for the weekdays, and home weekends.

On Monday, wave him off to work , see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Name OW and file for adultery. Then see a locksmith and get the locks changed.

On Tuesday, bag up all his stuff.

On Wednesday, tell him you've had a good think and the couple of days apart have made you realise that you wouldn't have him back if his arse was stuffed with gold, and he can come and collect his stuff - it's sitting on the driveway. If it isn't collected by Thursday, it's going to the skip\dump. Change your phone no. or block him.

On Thursday, get yourself down the GPs to arrange STDs. If twunt's stuff is still in driveway, get it taken to dump/skip/OWs garden.

On Friday, come and tell us that you're moving on with your life, and that you feel better than you have for weeks.

Saffy X

Repeat after me:

My husband is a dirty little bastard

My husband is a dirty little bastard

My husband is a dirty little bastard

We deserve so much better than him.

Single parentdom will be such a relationship upgrade coMpared to that piece of shit. You have already effectively been a single parent already.
Follow all the good advice given here by those who have been through and good luck.
It is not your job to mop up his emotional diarrheoa.

Yes it's technically wrong to change the locks.

But if the OP just happens to have lost her key & has HAD to get the locks changed then what can she do???

Of course when his sol gets in touch she can take a few weeks to reply & put in the letter saying of course he can have a spare key copy....then forget to post it until after the house is sorted.

McB if your salary is very good surely you coulf afford childcare?

If not then you will get 70% of childcare costs thro tax credits I should think.

BUT right there^ is the point!

You need to find out what are the real diiculties on your own and what are your fears. You need to face up to the reality of your H leaving your marriage and living on your own with your DC. Go and find out where you stand.

It WILL be ok. I know you probably can't accept that... but hundreds of mners have been through this and we know.

It's very scary at first... but great once you're free of selfish, weak, nasty men

Come ON McB you CAN do it. What would your mum/grandmother say to you if they knew of your situation? Would they want you and DC to stay with this inferior excuse of a man?

He deserves anything and everything you can throw at him.

The changing the locks thing is a grey area. Of course, legally you shouldn't. However, it can be manipulated. Like Bossy says, you can 'lose' your keys. You could always say that you thought someone had tried to break in, or a spare key you left under a plant pot had gone missing, so got new keys.

He'd have to legally apply for a set of keys, and he'd get them, but it would take weeks. It would buy you time.

Please face up to the fact that your marriage is over, and that he's treating you like shit, and most worryingly, you are allowing him to do this (why? why do you think this is all you deserve?), and it's time to call a halt to the whole horrible mess, because the future will be fine.

I threw out a cheating liar after 22 years of marriage, and was terrified of the consequences; terrified of being alone bringing up four kids. But I did it, and it's not easy, but it's a hell of a lot better than living a lie.

Good luck
Saffy x

Some houses have those locks that if you leave the keys in the front door you can't get in. Changing the back door lock and using the back door instead could be an option?

Hello OP,

Im so sorry to read your post.

I am a little confused as to why you want him back? It seems he hasn't really enhanced your life since the arrival of your kids. You do everything. If he 'chooses' you - what are you hoping your life together will be like? People dont transform. It sounds as though you think your love and might transform him from a turd to gold. Im a great believer in people are what they do. And many posters say, marriage and children can be very very hard and at times totally draining. We all go through phases. Sometimes we hate eachother, for months. But most of us subscribe to a shared notion of dignity and kindness. You are his wife, the mother of his children, fucking another women whist you are pregnant smashed this shared notions. I can't see how you can ever glue it back together. His core is rotten, and you know what honey, he knows it too!

In the past, I've had keys cut that don't actually work (I usually get 2 copies in the hope that 1 will work!). Perhaps a word with the key cutter... You will then have to get another key cut but I might happen again & will buy you time!

**it might happen, not I!

How you holding up today OP?

I'm okay today. He didn't bother coming back last night. No warning. No text, just didn't bother. That was really lovely for the children this morning of course.

Then he texted saying he was sorry that he hadn't come home and that not phoning was a "big mistake" which in the grand scheme of things is the least of it!

Oh poor you, Mrsb, he just keeps making excuses for his crappiness, doesnt he?

Would it help to analyse why you feel such need of him now? You know that thing about wanting only because we cant have- the desire for the undesirable?

I felt a bit like that after my h's numerous infidelities, but really, if anyone had aksed me the month before I found out whether he was 'all that', the answer would have been that he was a selfish and arrogant sod.

Which he now admits he was, too, and not because I asked him. But because I drew a line eventually (very fucking late) about what I would tolerate.

I do think you will get to that stage, actually, in your own time.

Actually I'm getting over that need. My parents split when I was very young and I've never wanted that for my own children. But I am beginning to see that life without someone who always comes in after the kids have gone to bed, rolls over and goes back to sleep when they come in the bedroom in the morning, and who is constantly on his phone when he's with the kids won't be such a bad thing.

They'll also have a happier mummy who isn't just sitting at home waiting for daddy to come back home.

That's the spirit, McB :).

Because it's outside of your own personal experience, you might not appreciate how much staying together harms children McB.

Really harms them.

Completely skews their models of a relationship, ruins their friendships because they don't want their friends to comment on the atmosphere at home, embarrasses the hell out of them when friends gossip about their parent's affairs/drinking/insert inappropriate behaviours of choice.

Often, they end up hating both parents for allowing it.

In years to come, your children will thank you for giving them another chance at family life, either through happy and loving single parenthood - or more likely, with a stepfather who wouldn't dream of treating their mum and them like your husband treats you all now.

Your future is long and by separating now, you make you and your children's lives open to the possibility of happiness again. It will be fairly instant too for your children - no more overheard rows, fears that Dad has been injured or attacked and that's why he's not home by the morning - and no more excruciating rows on the phone with a woman who's not mum.

How is your DD by the way? What have either of you said to her?

see i'm afraid i find it sad that there is no mention of dd despite everyone's concerns. is she ok? what have you explained to her? what have you done to check that she is ok and feels safe and reassured after witnessing all this?

He's being extremely cruel. If he had an ounce of decency he would leave the house, it's not fair on you or the children. Its just more convenient for him this way. Hopefully the legal clinic will help you next week give clarity on your options.

She's okay. She went for her swimming lesson this morning and I took all three to the park this aftetnoon. They're now having their usual weekly treat night with a pizza, movie and popcorn. She's wondering where daddy is but to be fair he's out such a lot that they don't see him much during the week anyway.

He still sees that he's done nothing wrong, he says "I've done nothing wrong all I've done is fall in love" and "I've done this by the book" - obviously the book of hoe to be a complete twunt.

I think it's obvious this pathetic excuse of a man cares little for his children.

Have you talked to her about what she witnessed the other morning, during that phone call?

Has your husband?

If you haven't, have a think about why you've avoided that. If there is any self-interest in that, hoping that if you ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, she won't remember it when you get back together - please, please put her feelings first. That's a horrible burden for a child and she needs an outlet to talk about what she overheard.

Your husband's self-delusion knows no bounds. As if 'love' excuses his behaviour.....sheesh. I'd be enthralled to know how at least 2 affairs in the past 10 months and wanting to live with you while he stays involved with the latest OW is anyone's definition of 'playing it by the book'

So what are you going to do McB?

I did ask her about what daddy was talking about and she says it was " just work stuff" that's what he told her and she seems to believe it (thank god).

I've spoken to her about a couple of her friends at school whose mummies and daddies no longer live together but that's about it. I think we need to talk to her together to reassure her that she is still loved by both of us and that whatever happens between us bears no relation to how much we love her and her sisters.

Obviously the 3 month old doesn't understand anything but I'm at a loss to what to say to the 2 yr old.

It's all such a mess. I'm having a low point tonight, i can't stop thinking about my poor girls and how this will affect them.