This is a sex AIBU, but it's a relationship issue

[DameEdnaAverage]

I have namechanged for this because I'm planning to share it with my DP and I don't want him to know my regular name.

Backstory - DP and I got together 2 years ago. Things were going well, we were going out lots, staying at each other's houses lots and getting pretty serious when, after 6 months, I found myself pregnant.

Up until this point the sex was good. I did seem to do more of the 'work' and more initiation than him and I was ok with that because he did enough to keep me happy and everything was good.

Obviously, the pregnancy was a bit of a shock, but we both decided that things were so good between us that we'd make a go of it, and he moved in to my place.

More than a year on things are great. It's as if he's always been here. He is good with the baby (now 8 months) and with my DS and his DS stays here a lot. We have a beautiful family and I am very happy.

However, the sex thing has got a bit...crap.

Of course, having had the baby made a difference - as it often does. After the birth I left it a few weeks and started things up again. It went well. All was ok...and then nothing...until I initiated it again. He was very keen, very happy and it was fine, but I was doing all the work.

In the end I started to worry that maybe having the baby had put him off me. He says not. That if anything it's the opposite. I do actually believe him, because whenever I make a move on him he's totally up for it.

We had a chat last night, which has left me wondering what I've got myself into for, potentially, the rest of my life.

He said (and as I'm showing him this and he definitely said it - is 100% true): 'I have been like this with my previous girlfriends too. I am always up for it, but I am lazy, I won't do the work. If you want to jump on me then go ahead. I'll always be happy, but don't expect me to start things off, because I just don't do that.'

Now, when I think about it, it was always a bit one-sided, but things were different when we were dating because with a bit of drink in him he's a bit more giving...now...not so much.

This is a tmi alert - don't read this bit if you suspect it will gross you out - The other night, I stated kissing him and foreplay ensued. This rather rapidly turned into him literally wanking into my mouth until he was done and then going to sleep.

This is what I am concerned my sex life it going to be from now on. How do I explain that it's just not on when all he replies with is: 'It's just the way I am.'

Erm... Oh my God. Are you serious???

Mr.DameEdna- you are a lazy, insensitive and churlish wanker who, frankly, doesn't deserve to get laid ever again. If you cannot make an effort to initiate sex with your partner and if you haven't got enough decency to treat her with respect and to make sure she enjoys sex as well...well, you're a twat.

OP, I'm sorry but I don't believe that he's such a lovely person as you have described him. And no, I would not want to put up with that for the rest of my life. Not for a day, tbh.

This would be a deal breaker for me...

1. I would feel not wanted
2. not attractive to him
3. this kind of laziness could mean him treating other situations like this
4. if you went on strike how long does he think he could go without a shag?
5. If your dp is reading this, man up ffs and stop acting like a cock

you will never be so wonderful that in the end she cant get it from somewhere else, this is not an attractive traite in either a man or a woman, you are insensitive entitled and shows a dont give a toss attitude, if not sexist, if someone treated your new baby like this would it be ok?

rolls eyes

Literally wanking into your mouth?

I'm not sure what to say. Sounds hideously disrespectful on so many levels to me.

Thanks - that's the sort of stuff I was hoping to show him. It's not on is it? I mean it really isn't? I'm not being over demanding am I?

I am a bit of a pushover a lot of the time. Not that I'm weak, but I'm quite laid back and am more of a giver that a receiver by nature, but I do wish he would care enough to want to please me. I tell him that it makes me feel unwanted, but he just tells me that's rubbish. He does want me, he just doesn't want to make the first move. Ever!

Ugh, inadequate tosser

Literally

Well, not only that, but WTF is up with him wanking into your mouth and falling asleep? Where is your pleasure?

Selfish twunt.

AF

Dame kick him in touch even if its for setting a horrendous example to his son and your dc, he moved in with you I take it your not married, move him out again,

I shall state here and now for the mn record

leave the bastard...

He's reading these replies? Right then

Mr Average, you are utterly despicable and you don't deserve your DW. Step. The. Fuck. Up.

NOW.

Or wake up, not too far in the future, alone and miserable and only seeing your gorgeous baby every other weekend?

Very lazy, very disrespectful. Vile in fact.

So, he sounds like a pretty crap sex partner. Scrap that, a pretty crap partner if he has no regards for your emotional and your sexual needs.

Saying "it is just the way he is" is both lazy and incorrect. It is how he chooses to be. It is a choice.

You can easily just stop cooking dinner, laundry, or initiating sex, or starting to pick your nose and wipe it on his shoulder, with the pathetic excuse that "sorry, it is just the way I am".

Haha. I spend a lot of time posting on these threads under my real name and I have advised so many women to do just that. It's pretty funny coming at it from the other side and, yes, I would probably say the same.

The thing is, I do think he's open to educating, which is why I wanted to write this and show him what people thought (it's the only way I could think of to anonymously canvass opinion and show him that it's not normal).

Obviously, if things don't improve as a result I will start to think about things, but really - it is only the sex thing. In terms of sharing housework and childcare equally, being caring in other little ways and sharing other time together it is fine - really it is. i have read about too many horrible men on these threads to know that he's not one of them.

Two issues here - initiation and then being a considerate lover.
I don't initiate enough because it just doesn't often occur to me. In the day I've got a gazzillion things to do in my mind and at bedtime I'm glad to have survived the day and ready to sleep. (am jealous of those who suddenly decide to have sex in the middle of doing the dishes it sounds so romantic but I'd have to write it in a post it note on the fridge to remember ).

But. But but.... If DH initiates I am a full participant and considerate and giving partner.

I don't understand. Why didn't you close your mouth? Or move away? Anyway, I guess that's not really the point. Is it about you wanting the keenness to be more equal?

No. Just no. This shouldn't happen! Think everyone has summed up everything I wanted to say but that is just fucking shocking! It's pure laziness. He needs to man the fuck up and make you feel wanted, attracted etc etc, it takes two to make a relationship work, sexually, mentally, everything and he just isn't pulling his weight tbh. That is not on.

It is selfish and disrespectful to just satisfy himself into your mouth and then roll over and go to sleep. Vile behaviour.

Some possibilities - very lazy man? Doesn't really fancy women? Kindest reason - terrified of rejection, fears he is crap in bed?

Really? I find it hard to believe his selfishnss is contained to only one area of life.

Never mind.

MrDame- good lovers make sure to pleasure their partners. Ergo you're a crap lover.

nfk - I didn't mind that so much. I know that sounds stupid, but what went through my head was just: 'ah - that's unusual, but...ok ...my turn will come..' and then it didn't. I did give him a verbal ticking off about it, but then he said what I quoted - he doesn't do making an effort. It's just not him.

I think that the whole initiation thing can be worked on, but the wanking in the mouth thing?
Seriously if your relationship was that good then you should have been able to stop him well before it got to that bit and ensured you were both happy, so I wonder what did you do whilst this happened? (and I'm asking that to actually find out, not as in...what did you do??????)

x post.
Sorry, I can't really articulate myself very well this evening, so going to come back to this tomorrow (if still here).

It is not him to be sexually considerate and a good lover because he choosing to be a crap lover. Very few men chose to be bad in bed.

I would say: Sorry darling, he is just not that much in to you.

Does you often have to marshal the opinions of strangers to get him to take you seriously ?

You ANBU but he is a self-entitled bellend being totally unreasonable.

Don't bother to explain that 'it's just not on' for him not to express his love for you by initiating sex and proving what an enthusiastic and wonderful lover he can be.

Tell him that you accept him just the way he is and, in future, you'll get your rocks off with a man who knows how to show his appreciation of a woman in the time-honoured manner.

As your dp cant be arsed to initiate sex he obviously is abnormal doesn't need it, ergo he won't miss it if you turn your sexual attention elsewhere.

Leave a mug by the bedside table for him to jerk off into while you go share the joys of the bedroom department in a caring and considerate lover's bed - btw, there's no shortage of them around.

Just for those that 'know' me - I am not this poster (just share very similar names).