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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is a sex AIBU, but it's a relationship issue

74 replies

DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 21:07

I have namechanged for this because I'm planning to share it with my DP and I don't want him to know my regular name.

Backstory - DP and I got together 2 years ago. Things were going well, we were going out lots, staying at each other's houses lots and getting pretty serious when, after 6 months, I found myself pregnant.

Up until this point the sex was good. I did seem to do more of the 'work' and more initiation than him and I was ok with that because he did enough to keep me happy and everything was good.

Obviously, the pregnancy was a bit of a shock, but we both decided that things were so good between us that we'd make a go of it, and he moved in to my place.

More than a year on things are great. It's as if he's always been here. He is good with the baby (now 8 months) and with my DS and his DS stays here a lot. We have a beautiful family and I am very happy.

However, the sex thing has got a bit...crap.

Of course, having had the baby made a difference - as it often does. After the birth I left it a few weeks and started things up again. It went well. All was ok...and then nothing...until I initiated it again. He was very keen, very happy and it was fine, but I was doing all the work.

In the end I started to worry that maybe having the baby had put him off me. He says not. That if anything it's the opposite. I do actually believe him, because whenever I make a move on him he's totally up for it.

We had a chat last night, which has left me wondering what I've got myself into for, potentially, the rest of my life.

He said (and as I'm showing him this and he definitely said it - is 100% true): 'I have been like this with my previous girlfriends too. I am always up for it, but I am lazy, I won't do the work. If you want to jump on me then go ahead. I'll always be happy, but don't expect me to start things off, because I just don't do that.'

Now, when I think about it, it was always a bit one-sided, but things were different when we were dating because with a bit of drink in him he's a bit more giving...now...not so much.

This is a tmi alert - don't read this bit if you suspect it will gross you out - The other night, I stated kissing him and foreplay ensued. This rather rapidly turned into him literally wanking into my mouth until he was done and then going to sleep.

This is what I am concerned my sex life it going to be from now on. How do I explain that it's just not on when all he replies with is: 'It's just the way I am.'

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 22:13

Ok, good. The absence of dogs is good.

Sorry, did not mean to worry you.

Original poster

DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 22:15

Ok - sorry, quint, but you're going to have to expand a bit there...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/09/2012 22:17

Qs ?

QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 22:17

Sorry, there was a thread some time ago from a woman who were treated really badly in her own home, by her dp and his dd, and it involved a dog among other things. I suddenly just wondered if you were this poster.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2012 22:18

Agggh

Original poster

DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 22:19

No - The DD is ours and she's only 8 months. I have a 7yr old Ds and he has a 3yr old DS. No dogs.

OP posts:

nkf · 08/09/2012 22:20

I remember that thread. The dog was a nuisance. It wasn't some filthy porn stuff. Don't worry, AF.

Mellower · 08/09/2012 22:25

I wonder if there are any books you could have him read.

He sounds a bit strange. I met a guy kinda like this, I thought he would be experienced as he has 3 dc but nope, he had no clue whatesoever, I found it too much hard work drawing him diagrams of what to do next etc. and telling "and now do this" and " can you do this please".

He also told pre -sex "you will have to show me what to do" yet he had 3 Dc When we did get to the deed, he was like a bunny rabbit! We remained friends who slept in the same bed but i told him "no sex its too much like hard work"!

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 08/09/2012 22:26

You have told him that when he never initiates sex, you feel that he doesn't want you, doesn't fancy you.

He reacted I'm not bothered.

He doesn't care that you feel unwanted. You are not asking for the moon on a stick, just for some signs that you are not the only person invested in this relationship.

It sounds quite unpleasant

Flojo1979 · 08/09/2012 22:36

Is any one else humming Kate Perry, and we all know how that ended!

Mellower · 08/09/2012 22:40

If anyone wanked in my mouth I would be inclined to spit it into his face.

Flojo1979 · 08/09/2012 22:43

Lily Allen actually.
I don't think OP is adverse to the wanking in mouth bit, more the fact he rolled over and went to sleep, which if it was a one off and he was usually really attentive and was just so tired and really apologetic then maybe. But he wasn't. He clearly is that selfish and with worrying lack of regard for your emotional needs as well as the obvious need sexually.

Homebird8 · 08/09/2012 22:47

It's one thing being like Maybenow and it being the last thing on your mind/memory/reserves of strength (like me) she says, minimising and quite another using someone's body for your own ends and walking away as if they were simply an inanimate object (never mind a person you profess to be in a relationship with). And then to state that this behaviour should be a reasonable expectation, forever, of the other person well

Mr - You better decide now. Either apologise, mean it and change and ongoing grovelling and gifts would be not inappropriate Or leave. And explain to your DS why you won't be taking him back to this home again.

Mellower · 08/09/2012 23:05

Yeah sorry I was just thinking about him and how horrid he was, I would have rolled him back and spat it in his face. Horrid man. Well maybe not horrid but strange.

solidgoldbrass · 08/09/2012 23:08

OP: Sorry, when I wrote 'kept' I didn't mean always and entirely financially, I meant more that a crap man often convinces a woman that he will only keep her (ie stay in the relationship) if she pleases him, and that to be left single is a terrible thing that women will do anything to avoid.

Glad you are financially independent of this one, though. I would call him a cocklodger, except for the fact that cock is what you are not getting that much of. Does he make big generous offers to do MANLY jobs round the house like painting, decorating or mending shit and.... not do them?

DontmindifIdo · 09/09/2012 10:56

There's somdething I thought about this that I didn't pick up on at the time, he used in his defence that he's been this way with his previous girlfriends, as in, it's not you as such, this is how he is. However, have you pointed out that his ex-girlfriends are exs for good reasons? If he's been crap in bed in all his relationships, does he want to make you another ex-girlfriend or stay current?

maras2 · 09/09/2012 14:18

Lazy bastard.

MardyArsedMidlander · 09/09/2012 15:01

My ex used to be like this- one of the MANY reasons he is an ex- and with him it was more of a control thing, like he felt it was demeaning to be the one who asked

he also told me 'I've always been like this- all my other girlfriendsmoaned about it'- like it was something to be proud of FFS.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 10/09/2012 20:13

I'm going to comment because otherwise this thread will be left on 69 messages which IMVHO would be fate taking the piss

NanBullen · 10/09/2012 20:47

Sorry to be thick but i have to ask - Is wanking into someone's mouth another way of saying a blow job? i.e you had your mouth around him? or were you kind of just there with your mouth open and he came into it?

Because if it's the second one, why would you do that? genuine question, i'm not really good at bjs and the such (don't like to do hand jobs etc) so wondered if this was something else i'd missed out on!

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 10/09/2012 22:05

No its basically him wanking off over her face and she opens her mouth

Like on porn movies :)

NanBullen · 10/09/2012 22:13

oh right, I've not seen any porn so hadn't heard of this.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 10/09/2012 22:15

He sounds really vile.

What is going through his head when he's wanking into your mouth? Does he think you're enjoying it? Does he believe this is what people do? Or is he too lazy to have sex properly and too selfish to give you a good time?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 12/09/2012 22:59

Selfish, thoughtless. Seen it in a porno and thought 'ah yes that will make mrs edna think i'm a positively wonderful studmuffin and a wonderful catch'

Actually DP is very similar i have read the posts on here and decided no more pussyfooting around i think i'm going to have to get mean. I hope it works.
They honestly think their cock does all the work...

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