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Original poster

This is a sex AIBU, but it's a relationship issue

74 replies

DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 21:07

I have namechanged for this because I'm planning to share it with my DP and I don't want him to know my regular name.

Backstory - DP and I got together 2 years ago. Things were going well, we were going out lots, staying at each other's houses lots and getting pretty serious when, after 6 months, I found myself pregnant.

Up until this point the sex was good. I did seem to do more of the 'work' and more initiation than him and I was ok with that because he did enough to keep me happy and everything was good.

Obviously, the pregnancy was a bit of a shock, but we both decided that things were so good between us that we'd make a go of it, and he moved in to my place.

More than a year on things are great. It's as if he's always been here. He is good with the baby (now 8 months) and with my DS and his DS stays here a lot. We have a beautiful family and I am very happy.

However, the sex thing has got a bit...crap.

Of course, having had the baby made a difference - as it often does. After the birth I left it a few weeks and started things up again. It went well. All was ok...and then nothing...until I initiated it again. He was very keen, very happy and it was fine, but I was doing all the work.

In the end I started to worry that maybe having the baby had put him off me. He says not. That if anything it's the opposite. I do actually believe him, because whenever I make a move on him he's totally up for it.

We had a chat last night, which has left me wondering what I've got myself into for, potentially, the rest of my life.

He said (and as I'm showing him this and he definitely said it - is 100% true): 'I have been like this with my previous girlfriends too. I am always up for it, but I am lazy, I won't do the work. If you want to jump on me then go ahead. I'll always be happy, but don't expect me to start things off, because I just don't do that.'

Now, when I think about it, it was always a bit one-sided, but things were different when we were dating because with a bit of drink in him he's a bit more giving...now...not so much.

This is a tmi alert - don't read this bit if you suspect it will gross you out - The other night, I stated kissing him and foreplay ensued. This rather rapidly turned into him literally wanking into my mouth until he was done and then going to sleep.

This is what I am concerned my sex life it going to be from now on. How do I explain that it's just not on when all he replies with is: 'It's just the way I am.'

OP posts:
handbagCrab · 08/09/2012 21:42

Urgh. No equal sharing of the housework and childcare in the world would make me feel ok about a partner too lazy to initiate sex wanking into my mouth. It's grim and utterly disrespectful.

If you do let your other half read this, then he needs to know that relationships wither and die through a lack of mutually rewarding sex. If he's too lazy to be involved in this side of the relationship perhaps you would be better off as friends who have happened to have a baby?

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2012 21:43

Stop making an effort too. Always being the one to innitate sex can damage your self esteem, you'd be better off just having a few sex-free months while you think about your relationship generally.

Think about the rest of your marriage, is it just sex where he's selfish? This is the part of your relationship where he should show you he loves you, doesn't seem to be doing that right now. Does he over compensate in other areas?

If he doesn't actually care about you and your happiness, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? If you have just had a baby then this might not be the best time for you to be thinking about moving on, but be honest, is it just sex that's a problem, or is it that he does'nt show you affection, respect, and love generally. Does he desire you? Does he want you to be happy? Or does he just not care about you?

Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 21:43

AF - No I don't, but I think this is one thing where he has no frame of reference for what is normal or expected. I wanted to make him see that what I expect from him is not abnormal and that no matter what he says - I need him to show me that he want me, not just tell me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2012 21:45

Is he a heavy porn user ?

QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 21:45

Action speaks louder than words, also when it comes to sex. He wanked into your mouth, and fell asleep. Now, that is pretty LOUD!

izzyizin · 08/09/2012 21:47

Don't bother to keep flogging a dead horse, honey. Leave him to smack the pony while you go get a smile put on your face by a real man.

Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 21:47

Regarding the relationship as a whole - that is a whole other subject. There are problems, but it's too big to go into - and I'm not perfect either. There are definitely things about me that he'd change if he could (I am a bit untidy and he is fastidious. I get snappy with him a lot)

He works silly hours and I think that is the root of a lot of problems. He leaves the house at 7am and comes home at 11pm 4 days a week. I work full time and the days he gets off in the week are almost never at the weekend, so we don't see that much of each other anyway.

When he is here he does his bit, but I do carry the can for most of the time. That really is unavoidable until he gets another job, though.

OP posts:
onedev · 08/09/2012 21:48

I couldn't live my life with someone like that, sorry Sad. I think you'll end up feeling unloved & unwanted & quite resentful & then you'll split & regret wasting years of your life to get to that point, sorry. Sad.

waltermittymissus · 08/09/2012 21:49

Selfish bastard.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/09/2012 21:49

I've never met anyone without medical problems who has been this disinterested.

He must have a low sex drive, if I were him I'd get a testosterone test at the GP's.

It's either that or he feels inadequate for some reason - he may have an underlying emotional reason.

I do not believe its laziness unless you literally do everything and his Tongue and body just loll there Hmm

There will be something wrong. At the very least sex therapy would help you as a couple as you would have homework to do.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2012 21:52

Ah, there is pretty much always more to scenarios like this

Nobody this selfish in bed is a great partner out of it

Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 21:52

Quintessential - I take what you mean and you may be right, but my gut feeling is that it isn't that.

I think it's possibly more related to AF's question.

No - he doesn't use porn at all any more, but I think he did when he was young and impressionable and I've already had to de-pornify some of his 'moves'. He knows exactly how I feel about that subject and he always says he's grateful to be enlightened.

You are now going to tell me I'm deluded and that of course he does, but I honestly believe that he doesn't. He's a sport fanatic. He spends all of his spare time watching sport and looking at sports websites. I did check his history a couple of times as the porn issue comes up so frequently on here that I was curious. He never deletes it (he is techno-crap and wouldn't know how anyway) and it's just a littany of sports websites. I don't think he's that interested in anything else (possibly me included)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2012 21:57

So he Isn.t a heavy porn user now, but was during his formative years?

Yep, it shows

handbagCrab · 08/09/2012 21:57

Nobody is perfect though Edna. We can't use our lack of perfection as an excuse as to why we put up with inadequate relationships. If you're as 'bad as each other' can you say that you have used his mouth or other orifice as a receptacle to wank into? Would you consider treating a person this way yourself as acceptable? If not, you don't have to accept it for yourself.

Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 21:58

Well I slightly regret posting this now because rather than show him, I think I'm going to have to seriously face this and, so far, I've been ignoring the issue. You all seem to think it's deal-breakingly serious and I know too well how, from the outside, these things are so glaringly obvious that you want to reach through the screen, grab the OP and shake sense into them.

I am listening to you and I will deal with it. Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 08/09/2012 21:58

He's told you who he is. Believe him. He is selfish and lazy and considers himself not only more important than you but such a fucking great catch that you will orgasm from the taste of his jizz. He believes, quite fundamentally, that men are people and women are .... 'women'. Something along the lines of a pet, or a domestic appliance, or a houseplant, and that they need to be owned by a man otherwise they shrivel up and die, therefore if a man condescends to 'keep' a woman she should be prepared to put up with any old shit just so he doesn't pop her in the bin and get a new one.

Notsogoodhousekeeping · 08/09/2012 21:59

My ex was like this - I always initiated it (and when I did he was a willing and enthusiastic participant) and eventually I got bored and resentful of it, not to mention wondering whether he was actually even interested in me, so I asked him WTF was going on and he said he was scared of me rejecting him if he did initiate it. I had never once rejected him in our relationship, the opposite in fact - I fancied him like mad and thought we were very compatible. So after we talked about it he started making moves on me again, and me on him, and it was OK for a while, but then he stopped. I carried on initiating it for a while and then I thought fuck this, I'm going to stop initiating it and see how long it takes till he cracks. A month later I cracked and what did he say? "Hello stranger". FFS!

He always said he had low self-esteem but for god's sake I'd never given him any reason to feel rejected. Not once.

But if he'd said he couldn't be bothered because he was lazy? I think I'd stop doing anything for him whatsoever, because I "couldn't be bothered".

Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 22:01

AF - I know! After I'd had sex with him a few times, I said to him: 'you've watched a lot of porn in your time - I can tell' in a rather disappointed fashion. He admitted that he did when he was younger, but hadn't for years and I gave him the full force of my feelings on it - how I think it's ruining the lives of women all over the place, that it's making men view sex as a commodity and that it's disrespectful and demeaning to women.

Maybe that's what made him less confident and reluctant to try things in case I have a go at him for being porn-ified again?

OP posts:
Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 22:05

sgb - I own my house. I earn more money. I was (and am) self-sufficient and financially separate from him. He contributes to his bills, but not the mortgage and I made him sign an agreement to say he has no claim on my house at any stage (unless we get married - which we won't because I'm not doing that again).

I am not 'kept', but I think that makes it worse in a way. I can't help it crossing my mind from time to time that maybe he doesn't actually want me at all, but is staying because I am the source of the roof over his head and his daughter is here.

He says not and he does show me in some ways that that's not true (he's on the way home from work and has just sent a text saying: 'do you want anything from the shop? Love you loads.')

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2012 22:06

He doesn't sound much like someone with a confidence problem, quite the opposite in fact.

handbagCrab · 08/09/2012 22:06

Logically that doesn't make sense though does it? If he was scared to do pornified sex because you're such a fishwife who has dented his fragile male sex drive by commenting on the ill effects of porn, then he wouldnt have wanked into your mouth would he? He'd either be too scared to have any sex or he would have asked you every couple of moves if you were ok with what he was doing.

Perhaps look at his behaviour and what needs to change there rather than examine your every move and decide you are partly or wholly to blame for the sex situation.

Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 22:08

Oh Bollocks. Thank you all. I feel a heavy talk coming on and I don't really want to have one, but it is necessary, isn't it. Crap.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 08/09/2012 22:11

Quick question: Do your dp or his dd own a dog?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2012 22:12

Your call, my love

Original poster
DameEdnaAverage · 08/09/2012 22:12

erm...No?

OP posts:
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