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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I deleted a very suspect text

87 replies

Kingcryolophosaurus · 08/09/2012 09:38

I can't remember exactly " it was nice to meet you" finished with "kisses x x x"
Just one message, suggesting he had deleted the history
She had a sexy movie characters name.

He was out til 3am the other night, supposedly at a work do.

OP posts:

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 08/09/2012 23:56

Change the number to yours.. if the messages are blue its another iphone so dont do this unless you have an iphone also

Other than that, text her giving your number and say its his new one

ListenToYourHeart · 09/09/2012 00:32

I agree about texting her from your phone saying its him and it's a new number but do it whilst you have he's phone Incase she checks up and texts/rings he's phone to confirm

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 09/09/2012 00:55

Don't worry if you haven't though because usually the idiots just text you back saying 'ok' don't forget to put the name like i did hehe

Original poster

Kingcryolophosaurus · 09/09/2012 09:10

If I do this thing with the phone, there's mo going back really.
I might only get evidence of him flirting, and then what?

Bollocks, I don't know what to do

Had huge row last night
So might be all pointless anyway

OP posts:

Thingiebob · 09/09/2012 09:14

Might just be a spam thing?

24joy · 09/09/2012 09:17

Act like nothings happened. Wait a while and look at his phone again - there will be more. Dont make him 'guarded' over his phone or you'll never get to it.

Original poster

Kingcryolophosaurus · 09/09/2012 09:19

Not a spam thing, the number is in his contacts
He'd also deleted all if his call history, which is unusual I think

OP posts:

FoxSake · 09/09/2012 09:20

Or you could d out it was innocent, my dh works with children, you would not believe how many mums add xxx at the end of messages, he'd have to be don juan to be getting through them all. It often caused big arguments in the beginning but now that there is literally one a day by text or email I realise it's just what some people do. Personally I think it's shit but having canvassed opinions on here it seems fairly standard.

That said, I trust my dh you don't, trust your instinct! Why did you delete the text?

BettyandDon · 09/09/2012 09:32

To me it would be the sort of text you receive after a first date. I wonder if the sexy movie character name was the name she was known by on a dating website?

I did a lot of Internet dating before I met DP and it just struck me as the sort of text that I received a lot after dates. It's a bit like 'thanks for the night out, I'm up for it again if you are' but not in so many words....

Original poster

Kingcryolophosaurus · 09/09/2012 09:36

I think that's what I'm worried about Betty

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 09/09/2012 09:43

yeah i'm thinking the name is either an escort name or dating site name

sounds like there are lots of problems in your relationship - when you say he had form for lying before you were married what do you mean?

Original poster

Kingcryolophosaurus · 09/09/2012 09:51

He had friends with benefits, but I guess that was before we were serious, but going out
I found him out in lies, bit of my detective work found him in a hotel when he said he was out with old friend. I called the hotel, got put through to his room!
There were dating sites too
He begged, said he would change, he wanted me etc. I don't know why I forgave him
What a sap

OP posts:

lolo99 · 09/09/2012 09:52

maybe just ask him outright- 'who is ....' you will be able to gage a lot from his answer/body language etc. I have been in this situ before (albeit no children) and I knew straight away that his defenses showed guilt and I said 'look don't stay with me unhappy and don't be selfish and cruel and cheat on me, let me lead a life i want, with someone loyal and not bored'. With that- he moved out for 2 days and came back to me...and it was over. So so painful but miles better than the year I had tormented myself every time he went out, checking his phone etc. That was far more painful.

lolo99 · 09/09/2012 09:54

I love men....but I also believe that the majority find it impossible to be loyal forever. A recent boyfriend told me and I really do believe him, that 90% of men cheat but women just like to believe that they don't because it is against what our natural instincts want and can cope with.

swallowedAfly · 09/09/2012 09:55

ok so you know full well who he is and what he's capable of so more than likely your suspicions are founded. of course you're suspicious - a man with a history of cheating on you, lying to you, having multiple women on the go is having loads of late nights with 'clients' etc.

sorry OP. what sort of job does he have that merits all of these late nights?

sooperdooper · 09/09/2012 11:05

If you think it's possibly an internet dating name, you could google the name and dating profile and see what comes up, do you share a laptop?

Tbh, you don't trust him anyway though, so I think you have bigger issues overall to deal with in your relationship, even if this is innocent, you're going to continue not to trust him and to keep looking to catch him out, you need to decide if that's worth it or not, you don't sound happy

B1ueberry · 09/09/2012 11:13

lolo99, interesting conversation with a recent bf you had there! so, how did things end?

I would say that about 65% of men would cheat, could cheat, have done, will do.... but that doesn't make them all cheaters per se. But as for your x bf's comments about what women want and what women can cope with I think men want a faithful woman, I think it's men that can't cope with an unfaithful woman. The World, and mumsnet is full of women who've 'coped' with it.

lolo99 · 09/09/2012 12:25

yes agree, they cannot cope with being cheated on but it's not reciprocated always is it....that ex that informed me of the unfaithful men, it ended because I became pregnant with his child (I am 18 weeks) and the ex who I think/believe dabbled in all sorts including hookers that I saw on his text messages, stayed for another 18 months, I encouraged an engagement...he then walked out 3 days before our wedding. That was 3 years ago. I was incredibly broken but am not bitter and still have him in my life as a friend. He just isn't good at faithful relationships but not a bad man.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 09/09/2012 12:30

Blue messages use I message, but don't have to be an iPhone. Its on any Apple product (laptops, phones, iPads).

Buy a new sim card and change her number to it. He shouldn't recognise any number then, and you don't have to send him a new number text that he might mention when he sees her - asking why she changed it etc.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 12:54

Can you access his mobile phone bill?

AnotherMumOnHere · 09/09/2012 13:16

You could also take a note of the 'offending number' then put yours in for say a day or so and see what happens. Then change it back if needs be.

Sorry if this has already been suggested, not read all the posts.

lolo99 · 09/09/2012 16:40

phew seems like a lot to do- just ask him. Sit him down and say this is how it is...what do you have to say? Who is she?

Original poster

Kingcryolophosaurus · 10/09/2012 13:05

not really had a chance to do anything with this, what with the huge rows yesterday, it was awful

he is guilty though
we were rowing about money( amongst other things) and I mentioned he should cut down on restaurants and champagne bloody lifestyle, and he tripped up and accused me of going through his wallet. hit a nerve I think

he did also tell me that one of his colleagues is having an affair in work
And was very concerned about it, strange

OP posts:

bogeyface · 10/09/2012 13:20

I think you have your proof right there :(

B1ueberry · 10/09/2012 13:36

That telling you about a colleague having an affair is telling I think. I bet it's a colleague you'll never meet right? so, you can never verify this one way or theother??

It's like he is running it past you, guaging your reaction; how judgemental, horrified, moral you are... It's also like a valve for his conscience. It's not his usual MO to keep such a massive secret from you so it might be difficult for him (the poor love ) and this is like the 'secret' spilling out.

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