Men who don't want to get married

[lovemydogs]

Am going out with a guy who was married 25 years then divorced. He next lived with someone for 10 year - he promised to marry her and didn't and finally she left. He admits he didn't want to get married and shouldn't have told her he did. Alot of it has to do with money and pensions ie if they had divorced she would have been entitled to more than if co-habiting. So I am in my 40s never been married. And at some stage I would like to get married to someone if I meet "the right one". I am starting to feel very depressed as it starts to dawn on me that probably he will never want to marry again - he loved his ex but wouldn't marry her. So why would he marry me? He is 60 and I am 44. I love him. I do not want to split up but I am starting to feel almost angry that I am probably having a relationship that will, at best, lead to co-habiting. I want to the full works - ideally with him but don't want to "just live with someone". That is me. i do not disagree with living together and have done it twice before but feel I want a man to want to marry me and not have me without the same commitment. I am sitting here eating ben n jerrys ice cream at 9am because I feel miserable about this. Am I flogging a dead horse or do you think some men won't marry X but then they meet and marry Y? I suspect if money is the issue, then that won't change.
Just appreciate any opinions, be as frank as you want. Thanks.

No, he won't change if the principal reason is money.
Sounds like he's selfish and sees his money as "his". He'll be just the same if you co habit, and he certainly won't want to marry you in case you take some of "his" money.
Speaking from bitter experience.

He's been there and done it. And it hasn't worked. At 60 you can hardly blame him for not wanting to skip down the aisle.

Why is it so important to you to be married?

Is it not more important to be happy with someone you love than to achieve what appears to be your goal of making someone your husband??

If you are that desperate to Get Married why not find yourself a bloke who needs a British wife to be able to stay in the UK?
I am 47 and have never been married and I don't have to carry a little warning bell if I go out in public or anything - being married is not compulsory and being single is infinitely better than flogging yourself to death trying to make a man commit to you. ANd this one sounds like a miserable stingy git as well - do you really fancy changing his incontinence pads in 15 years time?

I feel if I am good enough to live with, i am good enough to marry. Like I said, that is just how I now feel. It is important to be with someone that I love and who loves me, but who also feels I am worth marrying.

I don't know how long you've been going out together but, if you've got to the stage where you think marriage would be a logical next step and he's still hung up on the financial aspects, then tackle this issue head-on, ask him to marry you and suggest each of you makes pre-nuptial agreements. This would address the concern that you would run off with the milkman and half his pension. If he is worried that marrying you means you'd clean up after he died - if he has children for example - you could also suggest combining the pre-nup with a will-making session and ensure that everyone is provided for just as he wishes. Given that neither of you are spring chickens, you could also point out that being a spouse rather than a partner confers various rights on each other e.g. giving permission for medical treatment.

All that quite apart from it being an expression of love and devotion, blah, blah, blah. :) (Put the spoon down...)

I apologise if I have implied that I am desperate to get married at all - I am not. Was on my own for 5 years before meeting this guy. Am not desperate to marry anyone but don't personally want to "just live together". Can be single and have been on and off for long periods before.
thanks again.

Sorry OP he's not going to marry you

Thanks - I don't think he will either.

You're setting yourself up for a fall. Getting angry about the possibility of never being married instead of enjoying life as it is beyond futile.

Spitting the dummy because he won't marry you isn't going to work. It's this obsession with marriage in some women that puts some men right off the concept.

And to be brutally honest you don't exactly sound loved up.

As SGB said much better do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

It sounds like he is not keen on marriage at all, not that it's a case of whether you are 'good enough to marry'. And he prefers to keep finances separate, which is not very compatible with marriage.

You don't have to move in with him if you don't want to. Maybe think about why marriage is so important to you though, other than a sense that it would make you feel 'good enough' - what are the practical advantages and disadvantages of being married vs cohabiting for you?

I have the same opinion as your dp, I am engaged, have been for 8yrs now but im in no rush to get married. I call my bf my dh anyway, we love eachother and have 4dds together so we i am pretty much happy with the way it is.
Marriage to me is just a piece of paper which costs a lot of money to get into and too much money to get out off if it goes wrong.
Lets face it once people are married for a while they stop having sex, argue, nag eachother and expect too much from eachother and most of the time it ends up in divorce, cheating or both!
Im skeptical, but maybe this is because thats all i see in all the married people i have ever known.

Be happy you have someone that loves you and wants to spend their life with you.
Why should it matter to have a piece of paper

I think you have to be persuasive. 'Faint heart never won fair lady' and it applies to blokes as well. He's had some bad experiences & he's clearly never going to volunteer to go down the aisle but, with persistence, persuasion and a hard-headed approach that points out the benefits of marriage to him, you might swing it.

Yes because all men are manipulable eejits who don't know what's best for them .

And if you do manage to "swing it" then you win! A husband who didn't want to marry you but you wore him down. Congrats!

Agree - in no way am I going to try to force him or make him. To be married to someone who was coerced would be awful. I think I know what I have to do. I do love him and he is undoubtedly the love of my life so maybe the problem is mine - I obviously cannot accept that I am not one of the loves of his. We are all different and I know to some marriage is a piece of paper but I want someone to feel they won the lottery with me and really want to marry me - not just live with me - to me (and not everyone) there is something "extra" about marriage compared to living together.

I'd never get married again.

At the moment, when I die, everything goes to my children.
I wouldn't want to compromise that.

Who is talking coercion or manipulation? I'm talking about persuasion and logic, not holding a gun to his head! The trouble is that so many people see marriage solely as this grand romantic gesture of profound love when, at its core, it's almost a business deal. You may easily be the love of his life and, if you show him there are practical ways around his concerns, you may get what you want. Win Win. If practical solutions don't change his mind then ... adios.... and he sees out his days as a lonely bachelor.

'Win Win. If practical solutions don't change his mind then ... adios.... and he sees out his days as a lonely bachelor.'

Or he meets someone else or likes living on his own.
It doesn't necessarily mean a lonely life for him.

If marriage is important to you, then it's important. If not being married is important to him, then it's important. Neither position is right or wrongn but if you want to remain together, one of you is going to have to compromise, forever and ever, til death you do part.

It's not that you're not 'good enough', it's just that when you've been married and it hasn't worked out you know that being married means you're tied FINANCIALLY and if it doesn't work out then he has to pay you off, split his house with you, give you half of everything that's his, etc. And I can't say I blame him for not wanting to do that - particularly at the age of 60. What would he have to gain by marrying? Nothing. He can get what he needs (which I'm guessing is companionship), from co-habiting.

FWIW I wouldn't get married again if anything happened to my DH. I got married to have a family, to give us all the same name, and to protect myself and my children in the event of mine and DH's relationship breaking down. Married people have a lot more protection under the law than un-marrieds. I'm guessing that if you're as well-off or more so than him then he may be less chary about marriage with you, but if you come to the partnership as the less well-off one he potentially has a lot to lose if it doesn't work out. It's not personal, it's practical.

Marriage is basically a contract to share. Everything. There is something wrong with your relationship if he doesn't want to share everything with you, especially as marriage is important to you.

I understand your desire to be married. I am in my second marriage and I wouldn't have been happy to carry on without getting maRried. But something that sticks out to me is why is marriage important to you? For me its about security, financially as well as feeling "settled" (I can't explain that part very well). However your oh seems unwilling to share everything financially or otherwise so I suspect rather than wanting to marry him maybe you should focus on finding someone who shares similar values to you.

He has had 2 failed marriages so to him the whole concept doesn't mean anything.He has proved that the vows are meaningless otherwise he would still be with wife 1. I have never and would never get married because the whole things seems wrong to me and unnecessary but if you need that to feel its a valid relationship then he isn't your man! I have been with dp 21 years and couldn't be happier. 7 of my close friends married in our 30s and 5 are divorced! Love is nothing to do with a piece of paper it is a financial contract and people should be more honest about that. I think until women see the significance of going back to work and having financial independence these situations will arise.

"And I can't say I blame him for not wanting to do that - particularly at the age of 60. What would he have to gain by marrying? Nothing. He can get what he needs (which I'm guessing is companionship), from co-habiting. "

My mother's neighbour married late. He was 60+ and she was mid forties. No kids on either side. She died suddenly in her late forties and he outlived her by a good 15 years. She had made no will and had no life insurance, assuming because of the age-gap that he would pre-decease her. Had they not been married, he could have been hit with Inheritance Tax and her twin sister - legally her next of kin before she married - could have claimed half the property that they jointly owned.

More to it sometimes.

The very thought of getting married again makes me feel ill. All my money and property is for the kids! What a hassle marriage can be. I cant blame him!

Perhaps have a humanist do or a little party cos you love each other-much nicer in my opinion