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Relationships

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Original poster

Men who don't want to get married

85 replies

lovemydogs · 07/09/2012 09:30

Am going out with a guy who was married 25 years then divorced. He next lived with someone for 10 year - he promised to marry her and didn't and finally she left. He admits he didn't want to get married and shouldn't have told her he did. Alot of it has to do with money and pensions ie if they had divorced she would have been entitled to more than if co-habiting. So I am in my 40s never been married. And at some stage I would like to get married to someone if I meet "the right one". I am starting to feel very depressed as it starts to dawn on me that probably he will never want to marry again - he loved his ex but wouldn't marry her. So why would he marry me? He is 60 and I am 44. I love him. I do not want to split up but I am starting to feel almost angry that I am probably having a relationship that will, at best, lead to co-habiting. I want to the full works - ideally with him but don't want to "just live with someone". That is me. i do not disagree with living together and have done it twice before but feel I want a man to want to marry me and not have me without the same commitment. I am sitting here eating ben n jerrys ice cream at 9am because I feel miserable about this. Am I flogging a dead horse or do you think some men won't marry X but then they meet and marry Y? I suspect if money is the issue, then that won't change.
Just appreciate any opinions, be as frank as you want. Thanks.

OP posts:

LittleFrieda · 07/09/2012 10:41

OP - What happened in your previous relationships, the cohabiting ones?

mcmooncup · 07/09/2012 10:43

I don't get marriage. I would never marry again either. Guess that makes me a non-keeper too

Is he wealthy your dp?

juneau · 07/09/2012 10:44

Cogito - yes, you make a valid point, but given the ages of the OP and her DP, statistically that is the less likely outcome.

Thing is, many people see getting married as a romantic thing to do - and it is - or can be. But legally it's a binding contract that is all about money and who will inherit what. By the time you're 60, once divorced, and either retired or fast heading for retirement, I'm guessing your main concern is the bottom line. Does he have kids from his 25-year marriage? If so, I'm betting he's protecting their inheritance.

My aunt married a widowed man who had two DSs. She has no DC. When he died suddenly two months later and without a will, she inherited his entire estate. She did the right thing and gave a large portion of it to the two DSs, but she kept some of it for herself too - money that they probably regarded as theirs.

juneau · 07/09/2012 10:47

And I should say I also married my DH because I love him and I want to share the rest of my life with him - it wasn't all for practical reasons. But you ignore the practical reasons at your peril IMO.

MorrisZapp · 07/09/2012 10:47

I think you're viewing marriage in unrealistic terms, op. It's not the top prize in the love game, its just a lifestyle choice.

All my friends married pragmatically. Ie, this guy seems ok, I'm getting on a bit, show me the registry office etc.

I'm not married, but in LTR with father of my kid. I really don't see cohabiting as one step short of something. To me, it is the full thing.

I'm not trying to change your views on marriage, but to understand where he may be coming from. I doubt he loves you less than he loved his first wife. He probably loves you with all his heart.

But to him, he's already won the lottery. He has you, and doesn't need a contract to prove anything.

mcmooncup · 07/09/2012 10:49

I'd be pissed off if my single, quite wealthy, in her 70's mum married some dude and he became next of kin. Sorry but I would.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2012 10:50

If he's worried about inheritance or divorce settlements, both can be covered off with a few signatures on documents. If the OP offers to do both of those things and he still turns her down then that puts a different complexion on it because it wouldn't be as simple as being all about the money.

And is the OP vulnerable here? Your aunt looked after the DSs of her late DH but, in the OP's case, would any DCs of his look after her if he turned up his toes?

Numberlock · 07/09/2012 10:56

There is something wrong with your relationship if he doesn't want to share everything with you

Presumably you include finances in this LittleFrieda? Why should he have to share everything he's accrued over the last 60 years, financial and otherwise?

If I ever get married again or have another long-term relationship, I certainly won't be prepared to do that and wouldn't expect my partner to either.

LittleFrieda · 07/09/2012 11:38

mcmooncup - It's a bit yucky to resent your monther finding companionship and happiness late in life, because it may negatively influence your inheritance. Children have no right to inherit their parents' estate. People should be able to distribute their estate as they choose.

ANd late in life, new husbands and wives often act as carers, saving the family a lot of grief, not to mention money.

LittleFrieda · 07/09/2012 11:41

When you die, you don't have to leave everything to your spouse. It's very easy to make a will that provides for your grown up children from previous, and your wife.

It's only when you divorce that the new wife gets to keep pretty much half of everything.

LittleFrieda · 07/09/2012 11:45

You can take care of the finances with prenups. But wouldn't that mean that he still doesn't want to share his money with you, doesn't trust you to look after his adult children or whatever?

Marriage is primarily about trust as it is a contract to share. A prenup undermines the foundations of marriage. Why bother to marry if that's the sort of relationship it is?

mcmooncup · 07/09/2012 11:50

LittleFrieda - it's ok. My mum really doesn't want a man. She has lots of companionship already though so why would she?

It's something she says herself anyway (about not ever marrying or ever having someone claim the money she wants to give to her children) so no need to pity her for having a callous daughter.

CakeMeIAmYours · 07/09/2012 12:31

Its a very common misconception that upon marriage the spouse automatically becomes next of kin, but that simply isn't true - there is no legally defined definition of 'next of kin' in the UK. People, married or not can nominate whomever they choose, but even then, that nominated NoK has no automatic rights to inherit.

It is only if a person dies intestate that there are rules about who inherits what, and even then, the spouse will only ever inherit the first £250k, and a life interest in half of the remainder.

Moral of the story? Make a will.

mirai · 07/09/2012 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

likeatonneofbricks · 07/09/2012 13:19

by the UK law, a new spouse does NOT get half of everything when they divorce! if they have no kids and the marriage is short (classed as less than 7 yrs) she will get either maintenance annually according to what she was getting during the marriage (that is until she marries again), or a lump sum they agree on, but the shorter the marriage the less would that be! if she works she will get even less. It's a myth and tbf if short term wives got a half of everything NO ONE would risk marriage.

DontmindifIdo · 07/09/2012 13:44

He is about to hit pensioner age, he doesn't want to get married. That seems old enough to have made your mind up.

Personally, I wouldn't move in unless he's prepared to marry you though, by the time you're his age, he will be 76 - two of my grandparents needed full time care by that age (the other two didn't make it to 76). He might be one of those who is still able to drive himself about and being as sharp as a tack at 95, or you might have gone from being his lover to being his nurse. Or at least, having to do all the housework/chores if he's not physically up to it.

If his house has to be sold to pay for care, where will you live in your retirement if you've moved in now? If you were married, at least you would have some protection if he needs to go into a care home re keeping a roof over your head. Also, the 'in sickness and in health' promise would come into play, seems very unfair to be lumbered with looking after someone who has effectively tied you to him, without being prepared to commit to you.

Re him having a will - It doesn't matter what's in someone's will if their savings have gone and house has already been sold to pay for care.

If you want to get married, this isn't the man for you. If he doesn't want to get married then you need to keep dating, but with separate homes and finances.

mouldyironingboard · 07/09/2012 13:45

In my experience if a man says he doesn't want to get married there is nothing to be gained by staying in the relationship unless he really is the love of your life. You are only in your 40s so why waste any more time by being with him? The age gap between you will seem a lot bigger in a few years.

Some years ago, I was in a similar situation to you lovemydogs. I ended the relationship and met my lovely DH a year later. I can see now that my ex was selfish and I have heard that another woman recently broke up with him due to his lack of commitment to her.

Original poster

lovemydogs · 07/09/2012 14:14

thank you everyone. As I said I did want to hear all opinions and for people to be frank with me. It really is helpful.

OP posts:

Apocalypto · 07/09/2012 15:02

What would be the two or three biggest advantages to him of getting married to you?

OliveandJim · 07/09/2012 15:28

LITTLEFRIEDA, REALLY?? There is something wrong with your relationship if he doesn't want to share everything with you...

THAT'S THE BIGGEST PILE OF NON-SENSE I'VE EVER HEARD...
My DP doesn't want to marry me, but he wanted children with me and we bought a house together. I don't doubt his love one second. It is not because he doens't want to marry me that I'm not the one for him and it is certianly not a sign that sometihng is worng in our relationship....I don't care myself enough to give him hard time about it.
Marriage is like religion if you don't have the faith you just don't and nothing will change your mind, not even meeting the woman of your dreams at 60....

Lueji · 07/09/2012 15:39

It's a myth and tbf if short term wives got a half of everything NO ONE would risk marriage.

Or husbands...

Why are men assumed to always be the only or the main breadwinners?

Lueji · 07/09/2012 15:42

I'd be pissed off if my single, quite wealthy, in her 70's mum married some dude and he became next of kin. Sorry but I would.

Why?
What if she chose to give her fortune away to charity? Or spend it all?

Her money, not yours. You build your own assets.

Spuddybean · 07/09/2012 15:52

Personally i wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to share their money with me. Marriage is symbolic of saying you love that person over all others and money and stability is part of that. Once you are in a committed relationship all money and assets are joint. Maybe you feel different when older with no joint children but for me in my 30's when i am about to have someone's child, sharing everything is important. I think it is having your cake and eating it to say you want all the good stuff in a relationship without the commitment of marriage.

I am divorced and frankly it was the most painful thing ever in my life. But i still want to get married again, and i would not be with someone who didn't want marriage too.

noddyholder · 07/09/2012 16:07

Luejj 'build your own assets' never a truer word!

Apocalypto · 07/09/2012 16:41

@ spuddybean

Personally i wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to share their money with me.

which is interesting because a few days ago there was a thread in which a poster who said she had won a few million on the lottery was advised by many not to marry - so as to be sure to keep her money. whether the post was genuine or not, it was an interesting series of responses.

the issue the OP's SO probably has is that he's been divorced once and paid up, and then broken up from an unmarried relationship and not paid up. it's zero sum of course, his gain was her loss, but his strategy is working for him.

he clearly has plenty of appetite for LTRs having spent 35 years in them, but both ran their course and both ended. if he'd married his second LTP it could have staved off the separation but there's no reason to assume another cause wouldn't have arisen by now.

IMO the OP now needs to convince him that there's something in it for him and that this relationship, unlike the last two, is for keeps. if he goes along with this and is wrong, given that his working life is over he has no realistic prospect of regenerating any wealth of his she ends up with.

prenups aren't the answer because their legal worth is questionable, especially if circumstances change between times.

it's an interesting question really. if you could get married only on the legally enforceable condition that you waived your right to half the joint assets in the event of a divorce, and got back out only what you had put in, would you still do it?

IMO the OP should identify 3 or 4 benefits to him of getting married to her. "If you marry me I won't leave" probably shouldn't be one of them, because it appears someone tried that and it didn't work.

if you can't think of any reasons that benefit him, that's your answer i'm afraid.

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