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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Abusive father,shite life,violent husband aibu to ask wtf I do now

55 replies

JimmyBooHoo · 06/09/2012 22:17

I'm a regular poster.
I was treated like shite by 'df' and 'dm' left.Df went off with vile woman(nev er worked,bigot,racist,her off spring were out of school one of whom sprayed me with aerosol and set alight to which my father said I asked for).
My mother left to start a new life etc.
I managed to get a job as a nanny in Majorca but had nowhere to live on returning.My grandmother put me up but hated me for it and bought me a one way ticket to London to 'feck off to'.
I got to London.I used my savings then credit card to put myself up in a dirty b and b in Kings Cross and worked as a stripper.
I ended up being a prostituteSad.
Nobody once called me and asked how I was.
I've been beaten,raped and homeless.
My father supports his awful partner and all of her dc who have never worked and they all claim benefits and smoke all day and he shows nothing for me...
Fast forward a few years-I have two beautiful little boys,a partner who has an okay job in London and through his parents we've been given the chance to get on the property ladder to a very modest house not too far from London.
But
my dh is abusive.
It's happened 5 times in 6 years plus he's hurt ds1 who is now 4 twice.
Last night 'dh' threw me across the kitchen.I am black and blue.
This morning I had a drs apt and the nurse asked why I was so bruised and then asked if my dh hits me.It all came out.
I had to go back for another apt this afternoon and now social services and health visitor etc will be involved.
I told my dad tonight about everything and he said 'and theres you putting this little act on that your life is so perfect haha'.
I have never told him what I think of him and how disgusting he has been leaving me homeless as a teen,not calling or finding out about my whereabouts as a young woman and being abusive to me etc.He said 'oh there we go again say what you want you horrible liar bla bla bla you're stupid you're an idiot etc'
he didn't care about my life now infact he was laughing saying 'oh you've always tried to maintain you're something great but it's all a big fake act really isn't it ?
I then said he failed me as a father to which he swore and cursed me and now I feel deflated,empty and crap.
I have nobody.I hate him and my 'd'h is downstairs on the sofa and the last thing the nurse today was that I may well have to live in a refuge with my lovely boys and declare myself homeless.My eldest is starting a lovely school next week down the road.He has his uniform ready,he has friends already.
I've been up the creek enough times I don't want it for my LOs.
I'm scared of what to do nextSad

OP posts:
Hesterton · 06/09/2012 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonTwister · 06/09/2012 22:22

I'm so sorry. I didn't want to read and run, am sure someone will be along soon with better advice than me.

BalloonTwister · 06/09/2012 22:25

Hesterton is right though, you need to get away from this man before he hurts you or the dc again. Your dad is toxic, I would steer well clear if you can.

Raspberryandorangesorbet · 06/09/2012 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisabilEightiesChick · 06/09/2012 22:26

You don't have no-one: you have your boys. You can make a good life for you and them, with some help. Don't blame yourself for the crapness of your father Angry and your partner.

Ring Women's Aid and get them to advise you. Are you renting at the moment and whose name is the house in?

porcamiseria · 06/09/2012 22:27

I could not read and not post

your post is very sad, but you know what?

you have got this far! and you have 2 lovely kids

In your shoes (easy to say) I would take the refuge, declarfe myself homeless

then slowly day by day, start over

its just so sad to read about your abusive parents, and how the circle continues as you are attracted to this type

good luck, and I cannt even imagine how tough it it

but he is now hurting your DS, time to leave

goodmum123 · 06/09/2012 22:30

So sorry you have been and are going through this. some people are evil. Can you report your father to the police for the emotional abuse you were subjected to as a child? I might be on the wrong track? Also a restraining order on your husband? Again someone else may have more sensible accurate advice. Lots of love x

BalloonTwister · 06/09/2012 22:31

Raspberry is right, relationships is full of lovely people who have been where you are now op, and can give you practical advice.

janelikesjam · 06/09/2012 22:31

These vile things happened to you.

Life does not have to be like that anymore.

You can start again somewhere new without any violent man in your life.

Women's Aid can help you.

I hope you can begin to find happiness and peace in your life.

larks35 · 06/09/2012 22:32

Poor you Sad. You've really been through it.

You do need to get you and your boys out of this abusive relationship, even if it does mean starting again from a refuge. Your children are young and will cope with anything as long as you do. He's hurt you and your 4 year old son. This won't get better.

Get out, sooner the better for all your sakes.

I have no experience but know that others on here do. Start phoning some support places to talk through your options. But please, next time your DH hurts you or your son, phone the police.

chinley · 06/09/2012 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JimmyBooHoo · 06/09/2012 22:46

Thankyou for replying it means an awful lot.
I will try to ask to get this moved to the relationship thread as it is better suited there I now realise.
I have a mortgage with dh on this house but the deposit is in his name(lawyers made me sign so he keeps this) if that makes sense..
I want to stay here as its near my eldest ds's new school and wish so so much that this is a possibility but don't know how that could ever work..
I'm going to Citizens Advice next week.
I just want to stay here but have him away.I don't want to live in a hostel.I want them to sleep in their bed/cot here.
He has been nice tonight and my sadness is with my father.I wanted him to reach out to try and help but of course I was mad but weirdly enough I've been made to feel like the inconvenience and idiot troublemaker etc.

In the morning will ask to move thread to relationships and thanks for reading/replies.

OP posts:
AlbertoFrog · 06/09/2012 22:48

You've already proved what a wonderful strong woman you are. Look how you've turned your life around. You just need to find a little more inside of you to make the break. May very well be the hardest thing you've ever done but just keep thinking of your beautiful boys. Don't let him hurt them again. You don't want them growing up to have the same memories you have do you?

I don't know why your father treats you this way but you do not deserve it.

I really hope things work out for you and your boys.

Thanks for you.

JimmyBooHoo · 06/09/2012 22:54

Thankyou Alberto for the very kind wordsSmilex

OP posts:
TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 06/09/2012 22:54

I don't have any constructive advice and I'm so sorry for that.

But I couldn't read your posts and not reply to you.

You don't deserve to have a father like that. He sounds like an absolutely empty excuse for a human being. You sound like a wonderful mother. You're determined that your children will have more than you did and you're getting it for them, and that's all any child can ask of their parent.

I'm thinking of you and sending you love and enormously good wishes Thanks

xxx

chinley · 06/09/2012 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Socknickingpixie · 06/09/2012 23:06

first things first, you give yourself a huge pat on the back for getting this far then you figure out practicle steps.

his parents helped with the house so fecking what, go to court tomorrow as for a emergency exparte occupation order hearing fill out the declaration to either get legal aid or funding with in 5 days (legal aid still ok for domestic violence) you tell the judge everything and i mean everything about him inc him hurting your child. you cry you do what ever it takes to make it clear you are afraid for you and the kids. judge gives you non molistation order and occupation order.
you dont need a solisiter the courts wont legally advise you but they will help with paperwork. this means he has to leave the house and cant stop you living in it. im going to post and carry on typing in another message as my computer eats posts

MagicHouse · 06/09/2012 23:07

Reading your post it's obvious you are a very strong woman and loving mum. Hang onto that. Distance yourself from your father, he is hurtful and abusive and offering you no support. If he ever speaks to you like that again tell him you feel so lucky to have two incredible little boys, who ARE amazing, and that he's just showing himself up to be empty and miserable if he cannot see that.

Having left an unpleasant/ controlling relationship, I can tell you that although it was daunting and so stressful at the time, making that decision and seeing it through, life on the other side, free from that, is incredible.

You can get a free half hour's advice from most solicitors. I've never had contact with Women's Aid, but they seem to have been incredibly supportive and helpful to lots of posters on here who have been in abusive relationships.

Good luck. Stay positive.

Thanks
Heebiejeebie · 06/09/2012 23:08

Your biological male parent, or 'that wanker' for short, sounds like a weak man of poor judgement. You look back and see how badly he treated you as a defenceless child. And you KNOW that was wrong. Please don't let your natural desire for a loving father fool you into thinking that wanker has any useful opinion about your life or any idea about how decent people behave. His opinion is of no value. Please look after yourself and your child. Being abused by your partner is not better than starting afresh. Phone women's aid.

Socknickingpixie · 06/09/2012 23:09

you do this first thing be at the courts as soon as they open you will get a judge to see you but you may have to wait a bit.

you engage with ss fully but make it clear you are doing everything you can to get him gone and you are protecting your children,
also make an appointment with a solisiter who specialises in ss cases i expect you may need formal advice with that aspect.

if you tell the police they will help you and the kids stay safe they can do stuff like get you a panic alarm as well as lock changes

thecook · 06/09/2012 23:10

OP I am going to ask mumsnet to move this to relationships.

Love, I have gone through one of the experiences you mention. If you like you can PM me. I live in London (Kilburn) so I could meet you for a chat seeing you are close to London. If you want that is xx

solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 23:13

A violent man can be forcibly removed from the house and forbidden to return even if he does own it. You may have to go into a refuge for a short time while court orders are obtained; it depends on your particular circumstances, but Women's Aid and Citizens' Advice can help you.
YOu sound very strong and brave and sensible. You will get through this and make a better life for yourself and your DC.

Socknickingpixie · 06/09/2012 23:13

if you can get a referal to a domestic violence intervention partnership womans aid can give you details of one near you.

if you have income issues as soon as you are no longer a couple you can claim benefits in your own right as a lone parent.

google justice for women they are a telephone legal service who specialise in dv if for what ever reason you cant get them community legal advice offer phone and letter support and can help with referals to other support services

OliviaLMumsnet · 06/09/2012 23:16

Hi there
We have moved this into our relationships topic
Thanks
MNHQ

thecook · 06/09/2012 23:16

I have nobody

You have us love. A whole load of mumsnetters that know what you are going through. I have just asked mumsnet to move this thread to Relationships.