Abusive father,shite life,violent husband aibu to ask wtf I do now

[JimmyBooHoo]

I'm a regular poster.
I was treated like shite by 'df' and 'dm' left.Df went off with vile woman(nev er worked,bigot,racist,her off spring were out of school one of whom sprayed me with aerosol and set alight to which my father said I asked for).
My mother left to start a new life etc.
I managed to get a job as a nanny in Majorca but had nowhere to live on returning.My grandmother put me up but hated me for it and bought me a one way ticket to London to 'feck off to'.
I got to London.I used my savings then credit card to put myself up in a dirty b and b in Kings Cross and worked as a stripper.
I ended up being a prostitute.
Nobody once called me and asked how I was.
I've been beaten,raped and homeless.
My father supports his awful partner and all of her dc who have never worked and they all claim benefits and smoke all day and he shows nothing for me...
Fast forward a few years-I have two beautiful little boys,a partner who has an okay job in London and through his parents we've been given the chance to get on the property ladder to a very modest house not too far from London.
But
my dh is abusive.
It's happened 5 times in 6 years plus he's hurt ds1 who is now 4 twice.
Last night 'dh' threw me across the kitchen.I am black and blue.
This morning I had a drs apt and the nurse asked why I was so bruised and then asked if my dh hits me.It all came out.
I had to go back for another apt this afternoon and now social services and health visitor etc will be involved.
I told my dad tonight about everything and he said 'and theres you putting this little act on that your life is so perfect haha'.
I have never told him what I think of him and how disgusting he has been leaving me homeless as a teen,not calling or finding out about my whereabouts as a young woman and being abusive to me etc.He said 'oh there we go again say what you want you horrible liar bla bla bla you're stupid you're an idiot etc'
he didn't care about my life now infact he was laughing saying 'oh you've always tried to maintain you're something great but it's all a big fake act really isn't it ?
I then said he failed me as a father to which he swore and cursed me and now I feel deflated,empty and crap.
I have nobody.I hate him and my 'd'h is downstairs on the sofa and the last thing the nurse today was that I may well have to live in a refuge with my lovely boys and declare myself homeless.My eldest is starting a lovely school next week down the road.He has his uniform ready,he has friends already.
I've been up the creek enough times I don't want it for my LOs.
I'm scared of what to do next

can you get a friend to take the kids to school? or watch them if they are not school age whilst you go to court? if you can make sure they know it could take you all day.

whilst you are doing the practicle stuff its important to remember that you will get through this every thing you have lived through is evidence that you are strong and you are brave you can do it and it will be ok.

from a ss perspective as long as you get away from him and engage with them you have nothing to fear.

if you dont want to stay in the house or cant then womans aid will find you refuge space, you will not be homeless you dont have to rely on him for anything he can not throw you out and the courts can order him to pay mortgage even if you stay and a court order forces him to leave

Tyranno and chinly thanyou v much
Sock-thats such much needed good advice that I will act on tomorrow thankyou so much.
Magic-thankyou so much for sharing that and will take that useful advice regarding free help/advice etc will look into that asap
Heebie-thankyou for nailing my fathers 'character' right on the head-you've put it right into perspective and I was naive for even calling him but normally I've had dh so if I'm not speaking to my father at least I've had someone to turn to and it's an awful feeling to be at war with everybody..
Solid-thankyou for that-I didn't know that it's great to know and of course v important
thecook-sorry that you've experienced what you have and of course I'd love to meet up for a chat!I will pm you if ok and feel free to pm away!

thanks mns

for the time being try and concentrate on the here and now, everything thats in the past can be delt with using councilling and various support services,if its any help victim support do have specialist domestic violence workers they can also guide you towards a service in your area that also deals with child abuse (just incase you hadnt realised what your dad and his gf did was child abuse) it also sounds like your family coluded with this and possibly blaimed you for the bad behaviour.

even if you were the worst kid in the world what happened to you was not your fault. and now you are in a possition to stop your own children experancing abuse from there dad,you can protect them from this,you know you can.

You haven't got 'nobody' honey. You've got your wonderful resourceful and resilient self, 2 beautiful dc, and an army of mumsnetters who will rally to your cause anytime 24/7.

An occupation Order will ensure that he has to leave the marital home and a non-molestation Order will prohibit him from making contact with or coming within a specified distance from you.

There's no need for you to make application yourself - contact Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk and they'll advise and refer you to a solicitor who specialises in domestic violence cases and family law.

To get the ball rolling report his violent assaults on you and your ds to the police and his feet won't touch the ground as they haul his arse down to the station where he'll be interviewed and, no doubt, advised not to return home.

The thought of SS being involved may be scary for you, but they can be your friend and will help ensure that your dc are safe from any further violence from their twunt of a f.

As for the sperm donor whose seed enabled your voyage to this planet, he played his part and you have no further need of him.

The phoenix rises out of the ashes. You've already turned your life around on numerous occasions and you can easily do it again for the sake of your dc who deserve childhoods that will allow them to live without fear of harm in the safety of their own home.

so you know you can get free emergency legal support because its a domestic violence suituation requiring protection orders. if you have more than a certain amount of income (in your own right not from him) you may have to pay something towards it but straight away you can access help.

i cant remember the name of the form off the top of my head but if you go to court office (family court section) say you have urgent need of a none molistation order and a occupation order,you are in immediate danger right now if you leave the court you have no money,they will let you swear on oath that you will come back with either evidence of entitlement to legal aid or money. the first order you get will last about a week but then you go back for a extention.ask the judge to put a power of arrest on your order.

if you wanted to report to police the police can also get an emergency order to get him out for about 48 hours and if police deal they can also put bail conditions on him not to contact you or go to house cps can also get protection orders as well.

i personally would walk into a court but often people can be intimidated by the process so if its not for you then the police have some limited powers to help with this,people experancing violence who dont have solisiters often have greater help in an emergency from a court and the court can issue orders that last longer than the police 48 hour ones given that you are injured now and have visable bruses you shouldnt have a hard time with a judge,they are just perfectly normal people who do the job because they want to help

its quite correct that you can get a solisiter and they will do it but in my experance in an emergency and on short notice its very very easy to do it yourself. you could even if you wanted get a emergency order in place then find a solisiter to catch the ball and deal with everything after that.

sometimes it can be hard to get legal advice urgently thats why you can do it the none traditional way.

justice for women and community legal advice will even talk you through the paperwork.

Please be aware that any injunction that is imposed as a result of an ex parte application, which is made in the absence of the other party/parties and who are unaware of the action taken against them, will be subject to a full Court hearing at which time they will be given opportunity to contest any Oders that have been granted in their absence by the Court.

If you make application to the Court for an ex parte injunction you may meet with success but the chances are that, when a copy of the Court order is served on your h, he'll instuct solicitors and you may find yourself at a disadvantage if you're not legallly represented at the full hearing of the matter.

Report him to the police tomorrow and ask to be referred to a domestic violence counsellor, be honest with SS and any other agencies that may become involved, and the chances are that you'll be able to stay in the martial home and your ds will be attending the school of your choice on the due date.

.

You need to break the cycle.

It sounds as if your husband is a replica of your father. It sounds as if you are recreating the relationship that your mother had with your father by being with this man. People who have abusive parents are in danger of doing this as, as perverse as it sounds, such a relationship feels familiar and safe and even normal.

You need to break the cycle.

I hope you can find happiness, love and friendship in your life going forward.

It's not your fault that you had shit parents. It was just chance and you didn't deserve it.

Like the others have said, you have us on here to talk to and help you (there are people on here all night long) and you have your boys. Your own little family.

try and remember that domestic violence is not a reflection on you,it can happen to anybody. i worked for various dv intervention partnerships since 1997-2009, i also spent many years training ss and la's in proper practice and procedure in the area i live every but every knows im the domestic violence lady. less than 2 years ago i finally got fed up with my stbexh beating the crap out of me,he started on me i took it into the street.the police came after he ran.in the 2 days it took them to find him i got the court orders had him served at the station whilst he was in custody. and he is still not allowed to come anywhere near me.hopefully we will be divorced soon.

if it can happen to me it can happen to anybody,the police were great it could have been so embarrising for me due to them knowing me and my work but they really arnt like that,i cant fault them for the support they gave me they treated me just like anybody else and have never ever embarrised me by mentioning it other than when they were actually supporting me personally

please dont think im advocating doing it compleatly without a solisiter im just making you aware that straight away in an emergency you can do that without having to wait how ever long it takes to get proper legal help, as i said befor it will be a short term order usually 7-14 days occasionally less or more and you will have to go back,he should attend the second hearing but his attendance is his responsability not yours. both the legal services i posted about earlyer are compleatly sound formal legal services so when you phone you will be talking to a fully qualified legal person,they can also help you find a local one who can see you face to face.

my advice at the mo is purely from a put out the fire perspective.and from the perspective of a fairly confident person who is used to getting stuff done asap.

lots of people may not choose to do it that way and you may prefer to wait and see legal people nothing wrong with this at all, most people prefer that route all the orgs i told you about can help with finding face to face legal support

Oh please do declare yourself homeless and in a refuge, it would be so so much better than living with an abusive fuck face.

Honestly you can start again, it ll sounds like a right nightmare, with your abusive dp and your even worse df.

You would be actually much better on your own.

I must disagree, Mrs Murphy. I see no reason why Jimmy should have to uproot herself and disrupt her dcs usual routine when all that's needed here is to get her violent twunt of a husband out of the marital home which she jointly owns.

As pixie and myself have implied, it's not rocket science and one phone call to the police should ensure that the ball starts rolling over him.

With regard to any contest between Jimmy's abusive h and abusive df, to my mind the h has it because any man who can hurt a 4yo 'twice' is an oxygen thief who should be immediately deprived of air the opportunity to repeat his despicable behaviour.

As for Jimmy's df, he's long been surplus to requirements and is not needed on her voyage to a brighter future.

Being firmly of the view that kicking the metaphorical shit out of violent twunts a proactive approach is to be recommended in domestic violence and child abuse cases, if you're up for it and have no qualms about speaking directly to a Judge in a Court of Law, Jimmy, by all means follow the advice that pixie (more power to her elbow) has given and get yourself the necessary injunctions later today.

You can make application in your nearest Magistrates or County Court - waiting time tends to be marginally less in the the County Courts. If you can attend c9am there should be ample time to compete the forms and the chances are your application will be heard before the Courts commence hearing the morning's lists.

Similarly, if you turn up around 1pm your emergency application should be heard before the Courts hear the cases that have been listed to begin at 2pm.

Court staff cannot officially give you legal advice but I have no doubt that you'll find their help invaluable when it comes to completing the necessary forms and submitting your applications for both a non-molestation Order and, more particularly, an occupation Order - the latter will give you the right to determine who you wish to stay in the marital home with you and it will give the police the right to remove anyone/anybody that you don't want to share your space with.

If you can only afford to submit one application, go for an occupation Order.

Without wishing to presume, I'm guessing that when referring to 'women for justice' pixie may be referring to www.rightsofwomen.org.uk which runs a helpine personned by women solicitors and barristers.

Unfortunately the ROW helpline is only availabe between 12-2pm on Fridays, but if you get your injunctions in place later today you can have him out of the house tonight and ROW can further advise you on Monday.

Alternatively, as I've previously suggested, get your local police on board and ask for a referral to their domestic violence unit if they don't offer to make referral for you.

I'm extremely pleased to learn that you acted on the empowering advice you've given to so many others, pixie, and that you've had such a positive experience with your regional police force.

That said, it's always been something of a puzzle to me why many women who are instrumental in advising, and advocating for, other women in the field of dv and women's rights in general, tolerate knuckle dragging throwbacks any crap in their personal relationships. Do you think it may be something of an occupational hazard?

OP, if you have bruising you should take pictures as evidence against this excuse for a man. Please speak to Women's Aid. It may not feel like it to you but you come across as a brave, strong woman

On a point of clarification, the only photos of alleged injuries that are admissible in a Court of Law are those taken by accredited police photographers.

I hadn't realised that. Thanks izzyizin.

I need to rephrase my earlier response, Cartoose.

Any photos taken at any time by anybody are admissible in a Court of Law.

However, in the case of, say, a woman who alleged that a man had caused bruising or other visible injury to her person without having reported him to the police or having attended a doctor/hospital for treatment in respect of her injuries, it could be that she would find herself open to accusation of using artificial means (make up, body paint, or similar) if the photos she submitted in evidence were not taken by a police acccredited photographer or similar.

Hello OP, i had a very abusive childhood as well and can really relate to some of the things you've said. I know how it can skew your thinking and make you feel like everything is your fault, you're unlovable and can't cope etc. it's difficult to get passed that even when you know those things aren't true so it makes it doubly harder when you are in an abusive adult relationship because it can feel like the norm and just "your lot".

It is completely unfair not only that this stuff has happened to you but that you have to pick up the pieces and make the hard decisions like leaving your "DH". i don't want to put added pressure on you but if your partner is hurting your son now it will only get worse and it would be awful for that cycle of abuse to continue into another generation.You don't have to go to the police about your OH if you feel it is too much but i strongly urge you to make the break from him, after all this time he has shown that he will not change (abusive people rarely do), there is no motivation for him to do so when he is in control of the relationship.

i know it feels like you're completely alone especially when your family are the problem! but there is a lot of help out there, refuges aren't like they used to be, it's no picninc but it's a stop gap not a permanent solution. things like morgages and committments feel huge when you're in the situation but nothing is as important as the safety of yourself and your precious children.

you've survived so much already and are clearly a strong woman and a caring mum, you just need to keep on being strong, accept ALL help that is offered and keep moving forward. xxx

Jimmy in some ways my story was similar, abusive DF then DH who beat me up.

From my own experience I can tell you this:
Get to a refuge.
Everything will begin to get better when you do, it may not feel like it at first because you will take small steps but after a while you will be able to look back and see how far you've come.
You are NOT alone.
You have support on here and when you speak to Women's Aid and Refuge you will receive counselling and help. You will make RL friends of your own.

It does get better. It is more than 7 years since the police took my then DH away.
My DDs are thriving, we have a home, I studied and have a career and I have a 2nd DH who is lovely even though I thought I never wanted to meet another man again.
I can look back now and we have come such a long way, nobody in my 'new' life would recognise the person I once was.
I would say make the phone call and get out now, don't waste another day.

Good Luck x

oh jimmy i'm so so sorry you have had such a shit time. Your dad is an absolute shit, and i think you should never ring the fucker again. anyone that can gloat when you say you and your children are being beaten is a fuckwit of the highest order. is the refuge miles away from your dc's school then? i know about catchment areas, but they do make exceptions, and especially if it's short term. there are brilliant women on here that know all about the law, so i won't try and fumble my way through any of that, just wanted to give my support, along with everyone else, you ALWAYS have someone to talk to on here. What you have pulled yourself back from to become the mother and person you are, is nothing short of AMAZING so don't ever underestimate what you can do. The fucking shit head won't know what's hit him. Please don't give him the chance to hurt you or your beautiful boys again. I'll be watching your thread. loads of love and best wishes.

Jimmy

Like a lot of other posters I just wanted to tell you that we hear you. I don't have any experience of what you are going through, but my heart breaks for you that you were never loved or cared for as a child.

But despite that you love and care for your children. See what a wonderful, strong woman you are! You're amazing to go through all that and still have warmth and care in your heart.

I am glad the GP knows, I hope you will get some help and counselling now. You can get through this and Women's Aid/counsellors/MN are here to help you.

Give those little boys a hug.

izzy

very good point on the photos, most people would be really surprised just how decetfull abusers can be.

and your compleatly correct about the name of the female legal people,when i type fast often all my words get really muddled and come out much faster than they should,im allways getting those names mixed up.

i obviously cant say why others in my suituation do but i can say why i did. i was really concerned about the training company i now own, i figured people would see the advice and training as less 'professional' if other professionals became aware of what was happening i thought all my time at uni and working my arse off would all of a sudden invalid due to me being a service user i started doing the work as a result of a stranger rape when i was a teenager (many moons ago when police officers were more old fashioned) and when i started to come into contact with them again it took a long time for me to be taken seriously and i was petrifyed it would fall down around my ears.its also very very easy to say to yourself "ive only been beaten up a few times no where near as bad as what some women endure" because ofcourse you come across some megga suituations. obviously when your out the other end of it you know you were just minimising and insecure. for me my work was mt 'week point' that was massivly played on for years befor he threw the first punch he has issues with women in possitions of responsability. but hes gone now,hes breached the order once by phoneing. the cps ran with it he was fined and they got my order extended untill july 2013 at no cost to me if he breaches again they will ask for a indeffinate one.

op please please keep yourself safe and if you can let us know how your getting on x

Wow so much info and such fantastic advice.Thankyou for the kindness.
First of all sorry for not personbally getting back to you and I'm going to re-eread all the posts when I can.

Right now my dc are making me stressed.Even the nurse y'day said she felt sorry for me as she has never seen such hyper full o kids.They run away from me,run opposite directions,try to run out of shops,break things etc etc.They also fight all day and I don't have anyone to help (only had my dh and would look forward to him coming home so he could help)

So far my dh has left for work.He is getting a train after work to his parents who live 2 hrs away.He will return Monday to go to work(says that anyway)

My nurse y'day was lovely but she got a dr to intervene who is a nasty woman and I never book an apt with this dr.
This dr has just phoned me challenged and questioned why I didn't go straight back to work.why is my bust the size it is,she asked my friend about an std from the 90's infront of her new dh.
While on the phone she also asked if I thought about losing weight(she was reading my case history on the computer while on phone)and said am I still the same weight(btw I've always been a size 10-12,5'4,quite curvy top heavyish)I said I should go to weight watchers and stick to it etc!
I'd understand if I was obese or even slightly heavier than needed but surely totally irrelevant in the context of the call??

This dr has been reported by a few patients(or so I've heard)and from my experience with her I have always made it crystal clear that I do not wish to make an appointment with this dr and to have anyone but her.

Anyway she is now on my case.She said she's finding it very hard to deal with this as she hasn't done so before.
She asked if I went to the police to report it last night and I said no and she snapped 'why'
I asked my eldest would he like to have an adventure to visit the policemen and 'nee nors' and he got tearful and said 'no why would I' and 'please don't take us there mummy I'm scared'
I told her this and she said that I have to go today and if I don't she will contact SS anyway.
When I go to the police they will have to contact SS and SS will have to be involved.
My h is willing to a)rent a room b)live with his dps and commute c)live in box room and put dc together to share.
He's been civil and knowing that I've spoke to nurses/drs and today police has shocked the hell out of him.

I'm worried of SS getting involved and a can of worms opening.Cannot bear the thought of them coming around and interviewing us and forever being on my back.It makes me feel sick.

My h has said that he fully understands me for going to the police but what will the SS do?

My h has agreed that we get our 30-60 mins free lawyer to find next steps/rights and also about going to mediation/Citazens Advice Bereau.

The nurse said that she had a patient whose h out of the blue was violent and she went to the police and he was so sorry he has never done it since.

Btw I am NOT making excuses for him but if we could be civil and act as a unit to look after dc and he could be monitored and interviewed with hv/SS and who ever else even counsellors and they can almost deal with him BUT don't want to ever lose my boys with SS getting involved with me.I know I have nothing to hide but still hate it.Don't mind of course dh being questioned,grilled punished etc but feel out of control of what could happen and just how much they could intervene even though I love the boys and would NOTHING to hurt them.

I'm going now to the police.I'll try and look on here later.

Thankyou again everyone

Sorry what I meant to say about the Dr was that she didn't phone me about those personal things-thats waht she's done in the past!
She phoned me about police and SS etc.Sorry for confusion I'm typing in a rush