Abusive father,shite life,violent husband aibu to ask wtf I do now

[JimmyBooHoo]

I'm a regular poster.
I was treated like shite by 'df' and 'dm' left.Df went off with vile woman(nev er worked,bigot,racist,her off spring were out of school one of whom sprayed me with aerosol and set alight to which my father said I asked for).
My mother left to start a new life etc.
I managed to get a job as a nanny in Majorca but had nowhere to live on returning.My grandmother put me up but hated me for it and bought me a one way ticket to London to 'feck off to'.
I got to London.I used my savings then credit card to put myself up in a dirty b and b in Kings Cross and worked as a stripper.
I ended up being a prostitute.
Nobody once called me and asked how I was.
I've been beaten,raped and homeless.
My father supports his awful partner and all of her dc who have never worked and they all claim benefits and smoke all day and he shows nothing for me...
Fast forward a few years-I have two beautiful little boys,a partner who has an okay job in London and through his parents we've been given the chance to get on the property ladder to a very modest house not too far from London.
But
my dh is abusive.
It's happened 5 times in 6 years plus he's hurt ds1 who is now 4 twice.
Last night 'dh' threw me across the kitchen.I am black and blue.
This morning I had a drs apt and the nurse asked why I was so bruised and then asked if my dh hits me.It all came out.
I had to go back for another apt this afternoon and now social services and health visitor etc will be involved.
I told my dad tonight about everything and he said 'and theres you putting this little act on that your life is so perfect haha'.
I have never told him what I think of him and how disgusting he has been leaving me homeless as a teen,not calling or finding out about my whereabouts as a young woman and being abusive to me etc.He said 'oh there we go again say what you want you horrible liar bla bla bla you're stupid you're an idiot etc'
he didn't care about my life now infact he was laughing saying 'oh you've always tried to maintain you're something great but it's all a big fake act really isn't it ?
I then said he failed me as a father to which he swore and cursed me and now I feel deflated,empty and crap.
I have nobody.I hate him and my 'd'h is downstairs on the sofa and the last thing the nurse today was that I may well have to live in a refuge with my lovely boys and declare myself homeless.My eldest is starting a lovely school next week down the road.He has his uniform ready,he has friends already.
I've been up the creek enough times I don't want it for my LOs.
I'm scared of what to do next

The dr phoned about the main concern but of went on a tangent and mentioned weight/weight watchers and was saying I should weigh myself once a week etc.

Jimmy, I am so pleased you are going to the police today.

Please remember to consider the latest incident in the light of the fact that you said in your first post 'It's happened 5 times in 6 years'. Your partner is probably going to be terribly sorry and start grovelling now, but why didn't that and a complete change in behaviour happen after the very first incident? He hasn't done this once in a brief loss of self control he has done it frequently and you have to find the courage to make this stop, because obviously he isn't.

Jimmy: the SS being involved was a real help in my case. It got "D"h out, it prevented him from having a right to enter the family home, it made schools on the lookout for bahaviour linked to the abuse.

your DS's wish to stay far away from the police may be because he feels responsible for the abuse (ie he is naughty and that is why it happens) and he is scared that going to the police is because he is a naughty boy.

Do get them on board. usually they are great and the DV specialists have seen and heard it all before. Yes it makes it seem more real but it is real.

Don't try to sort this out yourself with him agreeing to do this that or the other. You know him, he's not going to change and you can't expect yourself to be strong enough to "hold the line" without help.

What he has done is criminal, you need to be safe and not vulnerable to him wheedling himself back in when you have a bad day with the DCs.

Your GP sound foul. You are allowed to refuse to talk to her, or to ask to talk to someone else at the practice. I expect she is panicing because she does not know how to handle it. But that is no excuse.

You area strong and loving woman and mother. You can do this, for your boys and for yourself.

im really sorry you had to see that docter, she sounds dreadfull and inexperanced. its really good news about you going to the police and yes they will make a referal to ss but seriously if its the only one thats ever been made and you are not known to them chances are you will only get a letter saying they are aware and that should another incident happen they will come to see you.

in my experance ss tend to panic much more about you staying in the suituation remaining under the same roof or not protecting yourself or the dc's and thats when they get involved and come to see you.this is because domestic violence even if your children have never been harmed/touched IS a very serious child protection issue. children love both there parents it makes it so frightoning for them if they are also scared one is going to do something bad to the other,i have lost count of the amount of kids who have said stuff like "mum thought we didnt know but we heard stuff,we were frightoned one day she wouldnt wake up" surestart and nch used to run fantastic groups for kids ss could refer your kids to simmerler.

i would really exercise extream caution about his word with regard to not causing you housing issues and going as he could change his mind at anytime all it takes is a relative/friend to validate/excuse what he did to change his mind or for you to look at him the wrong way and before you know it hes trying to make things harder for you. people often say you dont know a person untill you live with them i beg to differ and say you dont know a person untill you leave them as thats when they tend to be the nastyest.

also any formal support you get now ss/police/courts/dr's/specialist dv service will help you in the future if you ever need to prevent him harming your kids.

if you choose to stay either with him or with him in the house that is totally your choice i know i for one wouldnt judge that however you do need to know that support services could have issues regarding that but they can also help with crisis planning ect and it may very well be the can of worms you are concerned about they would have to make checks ect to make sure you and the kids are safe.

what ever you decide to do please engage with ss,they really are not in the game of children stealing the only people who really belive they are,are ones who listen to the most vile mp i have ever come across in my life and his little mouthpiece buddy who he still wont admit to being hooked up with.and people who probally should have the kids removed. mistakes do happen but they are rare (thats why they end up in the papers) if they do anything that concerns you then you can go and get legal advice. but remember there remit is that children are better left with families and a none violent parent they will allways start from that basic point, but its quite normal to be a bit nervious of them after all parenting is something most parents are sensative about as its our biggest fear and the media often play up to this as it sells papers.

you may want to know that mediation is never recamended in a dv suituation its neither safe nor workable due to the very different dynamics,even in a divorce a court has guidelines to not make mediation happen when physical dv has happened.just incase he offers to do it neither is anger management because dv is a power and control issue not a anger issue. special dv perp groups are availible but many areas only offer these via probation and they can only be accessed after a conviction (some places have private groups but not all).

i for one are very impressed with the speed you have acted to get support its brave and unusual to take the help seeking steps you have within hours of thinking about it. well done

just a thought but is it possible your dh as told your dc he must not tell anybody daddy hurt him as the police man will take dc/mummy/daddy away?

perhaps thats why he was frightoned of going.if it is the police will have heard this thousands of times from kids who have been told the same thing,they will reasure him and they always make an effort to not intimidate little ones.