Please help. I've had an affair and told my husband - I now realise I want to work things out

[onanightlikethis]

We have been married for 11 years, together 15. I'm 40, he's 42. We have 2 kids 7 and 8.
I love my husband but as is probably normal we have got stuck in a rut, taken each other for granted and fallen out of love bit. He's not the most demostative person.but I know that he loves me and our family.
Stupidly, I let my head be turned by someone else, who gave me the things my husband did not. I told my husband 8 weeks ago that I needed him to change - be more affectionate, do more to help me, interact with the kids more. He has tried to change and I can see that. On Sunday a conversation eviolved around buying furntiture and spending money on the house. That led to me saying I didn't want to stay. We didn't argue or fight- he said it's clear I can't be who u need. We discussed separation. He has now run with this, taking practical steps to make this happen. He's moved into the spare room. I confessed to an emotional affair with someone else- he knew this person and could pinpoint the night it happened.
I know I have hurt him terribly. I have apologised. My difficulty is that I can't stop crying and I wonder if this means I have got it all wrong.
I spoke to him last night saying I can't reconcile why I am so upset if this is what I wanted, and I had been blaming him, but maybe a lot of it was in my head and I had issues I needed to work out. I asked him if it was saveable- with counselling- even if the outcome of counselling was that we would separate, at least we would be able to say we had tried everything. I feel massive guilt.he said I had broken him.
Has anyone been through this and how do I know if I'm sad at the loss of our marriage and the guilt, or if I'm sad because I want him and our marriage to work?
I know if I commit to stay I have to be over 100% sure it's for the right reasons.
Any advice appreciated.

That is the definition that I read and how it was explained. If you are turning to another woman rather than your wife, and hiding sll the contact, then it is an emotional affair.

Of course we all talk to our friends about our spouses etc, but this woman in my case was the friends wife. They formed an emotional connection and he hid all contact from me. I did not text my best friends 100 times a day all day every day to discuss my H.

I agree it's inappropriate contact. I had never heard of emotional Affsir until I came on here and a million MN'rs told me what it was.

Like I said earlier, in my experience people have very strange definitions of what constitutes an affair or even sex itself and like an earlier poster, some even consider it doesn't count unless there has been penetrative sex. I've got to say I've never heard a faithful partner agree with that assessment, but I've heard a lot of unfaithful people cling to this utterly bizarre definition of 'sex'. It really does make you wonder about people's sex lives when they focus everything on just one sex act.....

As ever, I do think unless you've seen in others (or felt oneself) the pain that results from an emotional affair, it's quite belittling to pronounce that it's not such a big deal. It's still a profound betrayal for most people, especially because the content and context of the relationship with the other person is always kept secret and there is therefore a level of deception involved. I can therefore understand why the DH here is hurt, shocked and feeling a level of betrayal and I think it's wrong to be dismissive of that.

However, if you do decide you want to save the marriage Digbert then I think with time and discussion, your husband might eventually rationalise that while you had your head turned for a while, you did manage to put the brakes on before it went any further and you were honest about what had happened with this other man. In my view, you deserve a lot of credit for those things. Lots of people in your position don't do either of those things and continue to lie to their partners and ex-partners after the event.

How are things going as the days progress and is your husband talking to anyone and sharing his feelings?

How are you feeling about your husband and your marriage right now?

Great post Couldn't put it better.Mynfeelings exactly re Digbert.
MissBoPeep I have also referred to my DHs 'liaison ' as an inappropriate friendship if that helps.Secrecy, lying by omission,and becoming more emotionally distant in what had previously been a loving and close relationship - and no that doesn't mean I expected him to report every conversation,every friend he encountered and not have his own interests and space - hurts.A lot.

Meant to say great post CHARBON.thanks.

So you have had an afair

Dumped the guilt on your 'D'P

Told him that he has to change.

You sound annoyed that he has decided to end things

You might want the relationship to continue but you are not sure.

And if you decide that the relationship is worth saving that you are doing it for the right reasons.

Are you bringing anything to the table at all? Because as far as I can see all you have done is talk about you and your needs.

Boney you sound as if you are a man.
Everybody is capable of reading the ops post.
And it is her post so she can post what she likes.

Boney,you sound as if you have been very emotionally hurt by a woman in the past.
This is a forum for parents by parents.
Would you like to start your own thread. I'm pretty sure many mumsnetters would post to try and help you. Some posters also like to just vent politely,which you may also find might help you.

Amillionyears,

Boney sounds like any woman in the OP's husband's place.
We would all be calling him a twat and a bastard if the situation was reversed.

The op I'd come clean but it doesn't seem in a way that reassured her H that it had been a mistake and that she really did love him.
She is not sure and fair enough, she probably is right not to be happy about him, but can't expect him to play along with her hot and cold approach.

"you sound as if you are a man"

. Sorry if I have got that wrong Boney.
I got something wrong yesterday about something else.Might be time for me to come off MN for a bit!

amillionyears

Guilty on all counts :) Your Mandar is functioning correctly.

But my reply would be the same if the husband had cheated on the wife.

The relationship needs to change/evolve, but the Husband is not in the wrong he didn't cheat.

If (and I hate doing this) the roles had been reversed, the thread would be full of him gaining her trust back, him proving his love for her ,
him making reparations.

If the OP really wants the relationship to work she needs to look inside and find out what she needs/wants to change for the relationship to work and if that is possible is the relationship worth it.

I know that its a blunt way of looking at it. but plaster over the cracks and they will reappear.

I think I have got it now.

Offred is wrong when she says, "The child doesn't become legitimate, the child can be legitimised. Like the presumption that a child born in marriage is legitimate but this may be rebutted."

Legitimacy Act 1976 section 2 "... where the parents of an illegitimate person marry one another, the marriage shall ... render that person, if living, legitimate from the date of the marriage."

Thanks prh47, not being a native speaker I didn't know how to counter the bizarre arguments that the daughter of the mistress could be as legitimate as the children of the wife, especially under French Law that semeed very strange indeed.
Paralympia, do not worry for the daughter who is probably in her 70s now, she milked the affair to the press and ended up fairing much better than the "legitimate" son who dealt arms in Africa, the only job children of ex prime Ministers are able to perform as it seems. She ended up so very clever that Mitterand recognised her and put her through Polytechnique, the best graduate school in France. I think she labelled herself illegitimate and that is how she got the press' attention! Wouldn't have been much of headline had it read the legitimate daughter...

Op I'm sorry for hijacking your post. I hope your weekend with DH went well despite having to play the happy family when your hearts are broken, and that you have managed to put the finger on what it is you want out of this mess.

OliveandJim - just so that you know, in France there is absolutely no difference in legal status between children born to parents who are married to one another, children born to parents who are not married to one another nor to anyone else, and children born to parents who are married to people other than the other parent! Rights, responsibilities and inheritance are all identical.

Bonsoir, c'etait sa fille illegitime, c'est tout ce que je voulais dire. On m'a dit que je n'ai pas le droit de l'appeler illegitime mais il ne l'a jamais reconnu, elle s'est pointee a son enterrement et c'est cela qui l'a revele. Allez basta maintenant!

Olive, avez-vous oublié que la langue officielle de MN est l'anglais?

Easy mistake to make.

Whata mistaka to maka. (oh, wait, that was the italian officer. )

I know Bonsoir is French so I know she knows I'm referring to Mitterand's illegitimate daughter and quite frankly she's talking porky pies and i had enough... there is no difference in status really, if the father does not recognise the child then the child has no right to the inheritance for example... I think that's a big difference. Otherwise everybody would have claimed to be the child of someone rich for example, especially back in the early 80s when paternity tests were not that common!

OliveandJim - Just for clarity, it makes very little difference in UK law whether or not a child is legitimate. All children are treated equally for inheritance and most other purposes. However, an illegitimate child of the monarch cannot inherit the Crown!

My father fathered a love child and I'd be damned if he gets a piece of my father's inheritance. I saw a copy of his testimament recently as he made changes to it and the love child is not named so I don't see what legal right he would have to my parents assets.

Olive, then a private message would be more appropriate.

Interesting comment about your brother.
Why can't you accept that sibling? Not his fault, surely.
You sound very bitter about this.

That's unfortunate OliveAndJim, that the half sibling is basically being rejected again, and classified as a second class citizen - and your father's family endorses this!!

perhaps that half sibling deserves MORE of your father's estate for not having been born in to 'a family' (stereotypical traditional conservative family).

I agree with Lueji, you sound a bit bitter. It's not your half sibling's fault that he exists! Anger towards your father would be more logical. If my father behaved liked that I'd be disgusted to be honest. I would WANT my father to do the right thing.

ps, are you still talking about Ill(*&^% children?? I am not even going to type it! fgs. get a grip woman.

OliveandJim - you are confusing two issues. A child who is officially acknowledged by both parents is exactly the same in the eyes of the law in all the circumstances I have outlined below. A child who is not acknowledged by his or her father is in different circumstances entirely.