Please help. I've had an affair and told my husband - I now realise I want to work things out

[onanightlikethis]

We have been married for 11 years, together 15. I'm 40, he's 42. We have 2 kids 7 and 8.
I love my husband but as is probably normal we have got stuck in a rut, taken each other for granted and fallen out of love bit. He's not the most demostative person.but I know that he loves me and our family.
Stupidly, I let my head be turned by someone else, who gave me the things my husband did not. I told my husband 8 weeks ago that I needed him to change - be more affectionate, do more to help me, interact with the kids more. He has tried to change and I can see that. On Sunday a conversation eviolved around buying furntiture and spending money on the house. That led to me saying I didn't want to stay. We didn't argue or fight- he said it's clear I can't be who u need. We discussed separation. He has now run with this, taking practical steps to make this happen. He's moved into the spare room. I confessed to an emotional affair with someone else- he knew this person and could pinpoint the night it happened.
I know I have hurt him terribly. I have apologised. My difficulty is that I can't stop crying and I wonder if this means I have got it all wrong.
I spoke to him last night saying I can't reconcile why I am so upset if this is what I wanted, and I had been blaming him, but maybe a lot of it was in my head and I had issues I needed to work out. I asked him if it was saveable- with counselling- even if the outcome of counselling was that we would separate, at least we would be able to say we had tried everything. I feel massive guilt.he said I had broken him.
Has anyone been through this and how do I know if I'm sad at the loss of our marriage and the guilt, or if I'm sad because I want him and our marriage to work?
I know if I commit to stay I have to be over 100% sure it's for the right reasons.
Any advice appreciated.

Maybe it was selfish and dumping your guilt on your DH to tell him, but it's done now and this could be the beginning of a better future together, and at least DH knows the truth rather than second guessing why things were not quite right.Because its my feeling if he could pinpoint the night your EA began to develope he's more intuitive than you thought.

Also it will be some consolation to him as you work through this - and yes counselling would be good - that you called time on OM before I went any further.That you recognised developing that relationship further in secrecy wasn't an option.That takes resolve and a certain decency I feel,even if you've hurt your DH and are mixed up as to what you want long term.
One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with was that accidental discovery of my DHs affair. It wasn't physical,but lots of talking over months and yes MissBoPeep it's a hell of a betrayal just the same can I tell you.The speculation of how much longer and how much further would it have gone was awful.At least your DH won't have that.
It sounds there's a lot that's salvageable if you both want it.Youve drifted apart but that doesn't mean you can't get close again.Allow your DH masses of time to process what's happened,look at his own behaviour whilst you examine your own.
Recovery is possible.We worked our way through some tough times to get there,but two years on I'm so glad we did.And I was in your DHs position.All the best to both of you.

What do you mean by an "emotional affair"? Sweet words? Kissing? Sex?

When twunt told me the stuff that you've told your husband, I felt like I had been physically kicked in the stomach, and the whole world just stopped spinning. It really was more than emotional pain. I would have been incapable of making a rational calm decision in those first few weeks. You're ahead of the game - he's playing catch up. If you genuinely think that you want to work on this and try to save your marriage, you have to be 100% sure, otherwise you could cause him further pain. If he's anything like me, he's reeling from shock and pain, and his defences will go up to naturally to protect himself. You both need time apart. If you care for him at all, then you'll move out. He can then allow the pain to hit him, work through it, and when he's over the shock, can slowly decide what he wants. He can't do that with you around. He just can't. You can also use the time to reflect and decide what you want.

You might lose him; he might, like me, actually recover and become stronger and decide that he can't move forward with you. He might decide otherwise - but in order to get to that stage, I think you have to move out (because you caused this) and give him time for the dust to settle and the hurt to subside. Then you can both stand back a bit, and see what you really want.

The weeks between my ex telling me that he wanted out, and me getting the guts to chuck him out, were the worst in my life; after that, it all slowly got better.

Good luck
Saffy

I find the whole "emotional affair" thing very confusing. Does it mean you fancy someone?

I do too. I think it means you took a shine to somebody else, began getting too close but with no sex. Confidences, shared jokes, frequent contact, other person constantly in your thoughts, really starting to feel like falling in love but not allowing yourself to get physical.
If that's the case then lots of people have several "minor" EAs throughout their marriages, with very little damage done... because if you see it happening and end it soon enough, surely then it was a mini-EA... sounds like that was what OP had, she stopped it early on.
EA is a big scary label for something that is sometimes minor in my view, and, admittedly, sometimes major.

Forgot to add that I wish you and your DH the very best, OP.

If that's what it means, I don't understand all the drama! Affairs involve shagging/kissing with tongues in my book.

Well Scummy if you ever discover your OH has been secretly meeting and a chatting with an OW for months,albeit under cover of helping each other out over lunchtimes at work when it was totally irrelevant and unnecessary.When you find out she knows all about you family,life ,problems and you know nothing at all about her - just a passing name that's mentioned at home briefly,then not at all as things hot up.When you find out your OH was texting a LOT daily to her with all the little 'in jokes',but deleting every text even though he knew you trusted him implicitly and never looked at his phone.
When you find out the texts had progressed to sexually explicit ones detailing the stuff they would like to do to each other.Well then sadly you may get the 'drama' of it.Ive often thought a one night stand with tongues and a shag would have been bad enough,but my heart felt to be ripped out of my chest when I accidently discovered my DHs EA.
Sorry to be blunt OP,not having a go at you but just had to clarify that one.Good people do stupid and hurtful things and you obviously understand the impact of your actions on your DH and marriage so best of luck sorting things out from here x

"If that's what it means, I don't understand all the drama! Affairs involve shagging/kissing with tongues in my book. "

Oh, that's Ok then I can stop being so hurt about DH's 'relationship' since it wasn't really an affair.

Someone who you love and share you life with is not supposed to spend months and months putting all their emotional energy into another person. So much so that they give you the cold shoulder and behave as if you are the enemy, have no time for your kids and appear to resent every second spent in your company. Beleive me it hurts just as much as a shag. In fact 'just a shag' might have been easier to deal with - it's the emotional connection that hurts most.

Could you write your H a letter digbert- explaining that you know just how much you have hurt him and that you are sorry, that you still love him but that you'd like time to get things clear in your head? I have a fairly uncommunicative H too - and I have found writing things down clearly and coherently is by far the best way of getting him to understand. IME the 'non-communicators' actually do communicate very well but in a different way - DH takes everything in when I rant at him - everything! Including the things said to hurt because I was angry. He processes them and stores them away in hs head. Writing then down makes it easier for both of us.

I'm a bit confused. If it was an 'emotional affair, how come you said your DH could pinpoint the night 'it happened?'

I ended a 7 year relationship for the reasons you state (although I did not have an affair, just spent more time with my friends than my DP because it seemed more "fun"). I have regretted it bitterly ever since. You do not realise what you have got until you throw it away. Be careful.

lurking - the night something happened does not have to be when they had sex. For me the thing that 'happened' was when they told each other they loved each other That is what hurts and it always will. A quick bunk-up in the back of a car would have been so much easier to deal with - for me anyway.

I'm a bit confused. If it was an 'emotional affair, how come you said your DH could pinpoint the night 'it happened?'

I was going to ask exactly the same.

Personally, I'm in two minds about what is an emotional affair. In the sense that you act as lovers, but just don't have intercourse? Or get emotional support, as you would from a good friend, but the wrong sex?

I am wondering why the DH is rushing things.Is it because he is so hurt and wants everything over and done with quickly, is it his nature to do everything fast,is he sort of punishing her,is he trying to call her bluff,or is it for another reason.
Like others have said, ideally he would give the op time to think things through, but obviously it is his call.

Yes. Lots of married couples come back stronger from the brink of exactly this scenario.
Good luck

I am also thinking that at this point at least,it would be advisable to put some emotional distance at least,away from your parents.
You need to know your own mind on all this,maybe something you have not been used to doing.

I think most men tend to be like that and it's women who dwell on it and take time to make these kinds of decisions.

As the OP demonstrates, by having an EA, telling her husband she wants out, then regretting it immediately.

Digbert, I think it is too late to try and salvage your marriage, and TBH, in your H's position I'd let you go.
It's not really about your feelings in this, but that you have hurt him really bad and don't seem to know what you want, but still go ahead and act in a shitty way, then back down again and apologise.
Sorry.

I'm so sorry Orm. :( I read your entire thread, I know how much it had/has gutted you :(

But I must admit it still seems an odd terminology for the scorned partner to use if it were 'just' an emotional affair?

Relate has what I think is a good explanation of Emotional Affairs on their website. It is here

Just to add that in my experience people's definition of emotional affairs has covered everything from an unspoken 'spark' between friends right through to meeting up regularly with the other person and having a physical relationship that involves everything but penetrative sex.

I wouldn't call the latter an emotional affair at all. If anything sexual has happened between a couple, in my view that's a physical affair, but some people have very strange definitions about what constitutes 'sex'......

I'd agree that the discovery of an emotional affair is often just as painful - and for some more painful - than one that has been based on physical attraction alone. However, when the dust settles and a couple is recovering from the affair, it can be a strange comfort that the faithless partner at least didn't risk everything for someone for whom there were absolutely no feelings at all.....

This is a good link re emotional affairs:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

Oh, I had a thread about EAs a while back because the term seems pointless to me. Sex (whatever type) or not an affair is an affair to me. I don't see the value in differentiating and I think what constitutes an affair will be different for everyone depending on their own personal relationship boundaries - one person might class only physical relationships as cheating, another might be very upset about talking/sharing. It really depends on the person having stepped outside the negotiated boundaries of their relationship and hurt their partner. For that reason, and that "emotional" is hard to pin down, I don't really recognise "emotional affair" it is either affair or not affair, cheating or not cheating to me.

@ Olive and Jim would you mind awfully not using the word illegitimate ? Following the status of the child act in 1986 it is a meaningless word anyway.

Thanks for your replies.
He could pinpoint the night it happened as he was there when the OM was giving me looks.
Moving out is not financially an option. We havnt talked as he's not ready too yet, and I have to respect that. He did say he wanted us to go as a family to his parents this weekend.
With regard to the OM - we met for coffee once and has exchanged texts. I did have to end it as it felt too much- the feelings I was developing were overwhelming. Ending it was hard. I suspect this will be the end of our marriage, but time will tell.

Paralympia, sorry didn't realise illegitimate was politically incorrect. Thanks for the censure though. Didn't read the child act of 1986 so what is the appropriate word to be used instead? You learn every day!

Just reread your original post and I just get a strong feeling in your case it would be so sad to end your marriage over this.
You had strong feelings for OM ,that you can't deny.But don't be too harsh on youself.Yes,it seemed overwhelming at the time.You are only human.In any long relationship it's quite normal meet people we find attractive,develop crushes on.Your DH at a different time could have felt the same.
But you ended it.Well done you.
You told your DH because these strong emotions have panicked and confused you.
He's talking about moving out because he's hurt, shocked probably scared its not him you want.Or scared of looking closely at himself and making changes that would make your marriage stronger,happier.
But as Feckbox says lots of couples come back stronger from situations like this,and much worse.
You can't work it out overnight though.He's not moving out immediately,he wants you to do something as a family this weekend.
Try not to make any decisions about your whole future until things have calmed down.Be gentle and kind with each other.You loved each other once.And probably/ possibly still do - it's just got buried under a heap of life and stuff. Definitely go for counselling.Good luck.