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Original poster

New 'Relationship'

68 replies

lm1983 · 04/09/2012 21:02

Wondered if anyone had any advice or been in a similar position as myself? Well here goes.

I have been seeing my 'boyfriend' for four months now and every time we part company i always feel empty and anxious when the evening ends because i worry when i am going to see him again and when.

We live about 12 miles away but have only seen each other once a week since we met. I have told him that this is not enough and all he does is say "I will try to see you more". But 4 months on and i still only see once a week and not even for a full day or more than 5 hours. To me this is not how a relationship should be and am contemplating on ending it as i am pissed off with the lack of communication between him texting, he takes at least 3 days to get back to me which pisses me off. We feel more like friends that meet for coffee than partners. He is 18 years older than i am and iam 31.

I think i know what i got to do but anyone got any advice?

Lisa

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 04/09/2012 21:06

To be honest it sounds as if you like him a lot more than he likes you. Unless you're happy with a part time, tepid relationship, its time to move on.

Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 21:07

Just when you think you have found someone who you has things in common then it goes tits up.

OP posts:
Shinyshinyface · 04/09/2012 21:09

It doesn't sound promising and I'm afraid it makes me think he might be in a relationship already...could this be this case?

ashesgirl · 04/09/2012 21:11

Was also going to say it sounds like he has a wife or girlfriend perhaps.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 04/09/2012 21:11

Sorry as reading back I was a bit blunt and didn't mean to be. I just think its a shame that you're not getting back what you're putting in.

I wonder if he has compartmentalised his life and is slotting you into a twice a week, odd text here and there box.

Convict224 · 04/09/2012 21:15

My first thought was: is he married? Has he someone else?

My second thought was: maybe (sorry) he is just using you?

Obviously I don't have any further insight. Have you been to his home, has he children or other commitments that he needs to attend to, elderly parents, pet hamster, incompleted jigsaw?

This stage of a new relationship should be passionate and exciting. Well it is in my fantasies. Yours sounds a bit well, dead. "Friends who meet for coffee". When you meet, what do you do? Go for a drink or the pictures or share intimate moments? Do you even try to share intimate moments?

Ok, my work here is done. I don't think I'm actually helping. Sorry.

Oh, good luck Im1983. (catchy name!)

thenightsky · 04/09/2012 21:29

Have you been to his house? Does he not stay over with you on weekends?

Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 21:46

He has adopted children but they are adults and don't live with him.

I have only ever been to his house once and that was only for the evening. Didn't ask me if i would like to stay over and am still waiting for the invite lol

He just has a ordinary job nothing special 7.30-5.30pm. All his friends are married or divorced but i can't see me ever meeting them or his parents. He is very private and is not close to his brothers at all. Sees one of them once a year and am beginning to wonder if his brothers are nice but he isn't lol

I kind of feel like im in an emotional abusive relationship with this man as he leaves me dangling when im going to see him again and does not respond to my messages or calls.

He has been married yes but his ex ended the marriage amicably and not divorced. They been separated i think for 20 years.

When we meet we just drink, eat and chat with the odd kiss. We not had sex yet and didn't want to rush into that side of the relationship as i wanted to make sure it felt right. Sadly it doesn't.

OP posts:
UnrequitedSkink · 04/09/2012 21:49

He sounds rather dull tbh! Is he? Does he really float your boat? If you don't contact him does he contact you?

pinkredandpurple · 04/09/2012 21:54

what do you like about him? he sounds VERY closed off! maybe he is even weird in some way. Or does have a gf, or dates around.

GentleLentilWeaver · 04/09/2012 21:55

He sounds either married or like he could have aspergers. I would cut and run, TBH.

Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 21:59

Here are his hobbies: sailing, classic cars, socialising (if you call that a hobby lol), and eating out.

@UnrequitedSkink in what way does he sound dull to you?

I find him very good looking other that i did like his personality to begin with and he makes me laugh. Thats about it.

What i hate is his unreliablity, everything on his terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 22:01

@GentlelentilWeaver Why Aspergers? Forgive me for being a bit thick lol but what exactly is aspergers? And what makes you think he could possibly have that? I never thought of that one lol

OP posts:
Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 22:04

I last text him this friday just gone and he only text me today. The usual bollocks 'Hi nice sunny day and hope yor week is going well :-) xx" Not what i wanted to hear, i wanted to hear "Hi sexy! Missing you loads and will see you later xxxx" That sounds more romantic and boyfriend like don't you agree lol

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 04/09/2012 22:06

"every time we part company i always feel empty and anxious when the evening ends " - probably your gut instincts speaking. Sounds like he is keeping you at arm's length and its making you feel insecure and distressed. I know I had something similar and felt similarly but dismissed it at the time. He bowed out a while later, so instincts were correct in my case.

He insists he wants to see you or wants a relationship with you, but actions speak louder than words. Personally, I'd keep my distance and not share too much of your life with him, and also consider really how much you honestly like him or are there any other red flags to consider Hmm...

aleene · 04/09/2012 22:08

Four months in, you should be a lot happier than this. This doesn't sound right for you, sorry.

janelikesjam · 04/09/2012 22:09

In the meantime, at least you haven't slept with him, otherwise you may end up feeling more "dangled" and used ...

Harecare · 04/09/2012 22:10

Nothing is happening. It's not the sort of relationship that you want. It's not really anything. Stop worrying and move on. It's not your fault he's not what you want. Not his either, but he's clearly not so just move on.

ashesgirl · 04/09/2012 22:10

Just doesn't sound right at all. Well it's not what you want, at least. I would start dating again.

Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 22:11

Gut instinct is usually right and i m glad i have not slept with him as that makes it easier to end it.

OP posts:
elastamum · 04/09/2012 22:13

At the beginning of your relationship he should be on his best behavior and making you feel really special. If it isnt good now it isnt going to get any better. TBH i would walk away. sorry Sad

Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 22:15

Id love to meet someone else but i really do not like dating. Is there another way you can meet Mr Right? Im active and outgoing. I thought about joining a walking group for young people 25-35 and maybe meet someone that way. Any suggestions. Please don't suggest Internet dating as been there and done that and was a complete waste of time not to mention stressful!

OP posts:
ashesgirl · 04/09/2012 22:19

Walking group sounds great. And maybe otherwise then just have some time off to get over this blokey? Never does any harm.

Original poster
lm1983 · 04/09/2012 22:21

Excellent idea Ashesgirl I don't need a man to validate me but would fulfil my life to have someone special friends are not the same. But i certainly im going to get anything but frustration from this relationship.

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 04/09/2012 22:24

If you are 31 - believe me, that is young from where I'm standing, but it can be hard at any age ...

I believe in finding what you find most enjoyable or rewarding, doing what interests you, being part of the wider world in your community and elsewhere, makes it much more likely to meet eligible men, and other friends. A walking group sounds a fab idea. At the end of the day there is never any guarantee that you will meet anyone, but in the meantime you will be living life to the full, and when you meet people in this way you are much more likely to have shared values and judge attraction than meeting psycho no. 10 on internet dating (Grin I do sympathise, but because of my health its one of the few ways I can meet opp. sex - but if you are healthy and energetic you have lots of choices, so good luck Smile