New 'Relationship'

[lm1983]

Wondered if anyone had any advice or been in a similar position as myself? Well here goes.

I have been seeing my 'boyfriend' for four months now and every time we part company i always feel empty and anxious when the evening ends because i worry when i am going to see him again and when.

We live about 12 miles away but have only seen each other once a week since we met. I have told him that this is not enough and all he does is say "I will try to see you more". But 4 months on and i still only see once a week and not even for a full day or more than 5 hours. To me this is not how a relationship should be and am contemplating on ending it as i am pissed off with the lack of communication between him texting, he takes at least 3 days to get back to me which pisses me off. We feel more like friends that meet for coffee than partners. He is 18 years older than i am and iam 31.

I think i know what i got to do but anyone got any advice?

Lisa

It must have been very frustrating for you. Have you seen the Baggage Reclaim site? If not, you might find it really interesting.

It would be my suspicion he is using you as a sort of "token girlfriend" - so he can feel better about himself and impress his friends by having a girlfriend, but not put much effort in.

And sorry to say, you sound more like you want to avoid being single than you want to be with him! Although good looks can go a long way, I wonder how good looking he is if he's that much older than you, and if he is exeptionally good looking, why he's been single for 20 years?

Does he have other women on the go perhaps?

Lol the baggage reclaim site? Not seen that no but perhaps i should.

I think next time i will only date similar age guys or 5 years younger or older. I went for older guys as i thought having more life experience they would be more reliable and less likely to mess you about. I have to admit i am a very nieve 31 year old and as i have NEVER had a relationship that lasts beyond 6 months have a lot to learn i guess.

Well short of posting a photo of him its hard for others to judge really lol

Really, you can do much better. He should be woo-ing you at this stage, and he doesn't seem all that bothered. Honestly, just move on, and there are thousands of them

Thousands of arseholes like him or thousands of nice men? :-)

You're just into your thirties - still very young. If you lasted 10 years, you'd be just over 40 and he'd be almost 60.

In my opinion he's way too old for you. Plus if you had kids he'd be an old dad.

Hi OP..There was another post where the details were pretty much identical to yours a short while ago, did you post on this before? In that thread the OP had never met any friends or fmaily and he was claiming to be seperated but not actually divorced for over 20 years.

if it is you..not much has moved on has it? Have you managed to find out if what he is telling you about his personal life is true? The fact he's never even spent the night at your house seems quite telling and you've only been to his once? How do you know it was his house? Sorry but it really REALLY seems like this guy is still very much married and is stringing you along for sex. So sorry to say it but I think you are bieng taken for a fool here and you need to step up and find out for sure about him, not allow him to play you like this.

Good luck I am genuinely wishing you all the best and I hope my post does not come off as too harsh, its just you (or the other similar poster) stuck in my head last time and this has really resonated with me this time.

Maybe similar post but 2 completely different posters.

I was going to say, he does seem rather old. I was born in 82 so am 30, and my dad is only 50 - whilst i am not averse to an age gap, and have dated a guy 10 years my senior, one that wide would freak me out a bit! Try a younger man, I have developed a penchant for them lately and current dp is 3 years younger! But in all seriousness, it should not feel like this 4 months in. Your story reminds me of exdp, I struggled on with his weirdness for 4 years before finally jacking him in, and despite him talking the talk but definitely not walking the walk with me, he popped the question to his new gf within a year and married her within 2 ( and kept calling me in the meantime telling me he loved me), don't get involved with an annoying game playing head messer-with, they really are not worth it. Trust me!

Thanks Tempernillo my Dad is 58 but i guess your right he is rather old for me. I don't want a Father figure. I guess i have tried making something work that is never going to. I only started to date older guys because guys nearer my own age just did not want to settle down. I would just like to meet someone very similar to me who is family orientated and enjoys spending time together. Not a lot to ask is it. What do these men get out of it? Playing games?

I think perhaps some men get set in their ways (women too) and don't want to disrupt their lives. They know what they want and don't want to accommodate someone else too much.

Well perhaps they should stay single instead of messing around with peoples emotions. No one gets stuck in their ways without good reason unless they like their own company too much. No wonder why some men die alone if thats how they behave.

Im, be reassured in my experience watching my friend's relationships, men who didn't seem remotely interested in marriage and babies suddenly seem to start finding the idea more acceptable around the 30 mark and making random surprise proposals! Also once a few of their mates get married or engaged suddenly they all start doing it. It's quite sad that men seem to have this idea that getting married in your twenties is just too young, and it is only worth doing once your mates have! Of course there are exceptions! So basically, don't rule out men your own age as you may be surprised that some of them may be ready to start settling down.

My dp is still only 28 and we already have dd so I'm sure he is in no hurry tbh, but his brother and a couple of close friends have just got engaged so no doubt he is feeling the pressure!

And I also find that most single men aren't really family orientated, but they become so once they meet someone they love, or in some cases only once they actually become a parent! My dp was not bothered about kids until we had one, and now he adores her.

Women tend to look for a relationship/a marriage/ a family. Men just happen to meet someone, fall in love with them, and then want marriage/children with that person. Again sweeping generalisations but just what I have observed. My dp had never had a serious relationship before me and wasn't in a hurry to have one until we met, but it just developed.

Being single does become less fun as you get older and I did date some proper losers between exp and this dp. But I found a nice one in the end and I'm sure you will too. Don't waste your time on this one as he could stop you meeting the man of your dreams!

Sundaysgirl, I had the same thought. Uncanny resemblance. Either it's the same OP looking for a different answer or there are a depressing number of young women without much relationship experience out there who are putting up with shabby treatment from older "20 years separated but not divorced" men for months on end (three months in the case I remember, four in this).

Have you posted under a different name? Sounds strikingly similar to a recent thread. Are you the same person whose never had a longtime relationship before? Just all near identical details.

Long term!

It doesn't sound like a relationship to me, you aren't even intimate and sound like mates. Also if he is good looking he might have a few of you on the go.

What does he say about the two of you, have you asked him how he sees things progressing?

YY - a hugely similar thread. Must be a trend ...

Hi Im1983, I am in a 4 month relationship and we manage to see each other 2-3 times a week, normally staying over at each other's houses. We live 20 miles apart, both work and still find time to spend together, even though he works shifts (e.g. today he's coming over at about 10pm but we will have tomorrow morning together too) and we have 3 dc's between us.

Also we speak on the phone and text nearly every day and have been on holiday for a week together.

Your BF sounds very reserved if he really is interested in you. Have you tried asking him how he feels about you/the relationship etc and telling him how you feel? I would go with your gut. Good luck.

Hi SorryMyLollipop, thanks for your message. I am seeing him tomorrow and we plan to have lunch together. I haven't seen him in the week and i did tell him that i don't think we see enough of each other. Anyway i will have another chat with him tomorrow about where our relationship is going. He used to text nearly every day or every other day and call but that has stopped so i can't help but feel he has lost interest or perhaps meeting other people.

Lm1983, I'm afraid that ship has definitely sailed. If he can't find two seconds to send one text each day, call you and go a week without seeing each other he's either a) not interested and too much of a wuss to admit it, b) found someone else he likes more (sorry for sounding blunt), or c) married. At 4 months in you should be in the honeymoon period where you want to see and talk to each other all the time. I've been with my bf 8 months and ever since our first date not a single day has gone past where we don't speak on the phone and we've never gone more than three days without seeing each other. If I were you I wouldn't bother with lunch I'd just accept it's over (or did it really ever begin? )

DOes this man even know that you consider yourself to be having a relationship with him? You haven't had sex yet, you hardly ever see each other... sounds to me like he either considers you an acquaintance he doesn;t mind having coffee with from time to time, or he's sort of got you on the reserve bench in case he needs to wheel out a 'girlfriend' or he gets an urge for sex at some point.
If you enjoy his company that much then carry on seeing him but be prepared to date and have sex with other men as well. You have not made any kind of mutually-agreed commitment to exclusivity with Mr OldKnob so you can do what you like. And if you are limited in your experience of men and dating you need, really, to get a bit more experience and date a lot more men, just casually, just for laughs. Commitment is not compulsory.

@ Ohemgee24 I did meet up yesterday for lunch and had a chat with how things were going and explicitly stated i DO NOT want a part time boyfriend which once a week in my oppinion is especially when there is no distance involved. I planned to stay over last night only to be told that he rather i stayed over on a day that he has no work the next day. I can't understand this and told him that i work full time too and don't need someone looking after me. Am i over reacting to that or does it seem odd?