I'm pissed off with OH but AIBU? He seems to think so…….

[mswotsit]

This is going to sound silly but I am really angry with OH/BF and I don't know why I'm reacting like this. So last night OH/BF said he might come down (longish distance relationship but it's worked well for a year and we're moving toward living together in my house).
by 9pm I know he's not coming and texted him to see what's happening. No, he's not coming as there's a lot going on at home. I say well you could've let me know. He offers up some excuse about dealing with his grown DC (and this has happened before). I reiterate that it's good manners to let people to know if you've changed arrangements. Nothing came back. Nothing til a cryptic phone message today about being in the area and he'd call in if I was at home but otherwise he'd just go home again.
He tells me that he had a crap day dealing with everyone else's problems and would've been prepared to struggle down to me until he got my text and didn't want me to start rowing with him too. WTF!!!!!
then he apologises for not letting me know, laughs, and asks "so when are you going to stop being pissed off with me then?" WTF!!!!

I'm angry and I can't decide if he's just shifted blame for his choices onto me!

OK would it help to know that his apology sounded anything but genuine and despite his saying he wouldn't be angry if I failed to turn up, he needs to know exactly where I am and what I've been doing every day we don't see each other?
Can't believe I actually said I sound silly

Hmmm, I wouldn't be at all happy with this tbh.

Are you sure he's as committed to this relationship as you are?

Yanbu. Long distance is hard enough without getting excited only to be let down without letting you know. To then run around and say he would have come round but you put him off is just cruel. Are you normally reliant on him doing the visiting? Has it happened before?

Turn around not run around.

Thank you!

Well up til today I'd have said he was as keen as mustard, in fact he was very keen to commit almost from the start. He's been moving stuff in over the last few weeks as he waits to sell his house. But I'm really shaken by his 'no biggie' attitude when he is pretty full on most of the time.

If he had really wanted to come and see you, he would have done.

Sorry, but I would be asking for some space to consider my position.

Yes he does most of the travelling tbh. But then he isn't working and I am so he has lots of free time.

turn around and run - please expand nine

x post there,

The thing is, even if he does move in with you, you can only expect more of the same - a year in and long distance? He is still on 'best behaviour' and you can guarantee it will go downhill from here.

That's very much how it comes across from what you have written - I could be wrong though, what do you think, deep down?

I think nine means that she said run around instead of turn around in her earlier post.

Well if he does most of the visiting you are in the position of not really getting a day as and when he chooses to see you which is horrible. His blasé attitude would annoy the hell out of me too. If you are anything like me you would have been getting the place tidied, sorting yourself out etc to then be left waiting. It's not on.

But he only said he might come down? So it wasn't concrete? Why didn't you chase it up and wait around until 9pm?

Has it occurred to you. That if he's not working and doing the lions share of the travelling. Finance could be a problem?

It is quite possible he did have a thing going on with his kids.

Some things don't sound great from either side tbh.

Yes i was correcting an error in my post! I am in an LDR op where DP does most of the visiting. He once decided he wasn't going to visit and I remember how angry I was and let down.

I'd find this very inconsiderate to be honest and yes, I'd be cross. He sounds like he was "hedging" his bets, shall I or nah, can't be bothered and the can't be bothered won.

He had problems with his 'grown dc' yesterday and he's waiting to sell his house'? Is he divorced as in a decree absolute has been granted?

How long is the geographical distance between you?

Ah so she did.

It's difficult to say what I think as tbh I find his behaviour confusing - this kind of thing has happened before, not all the time, but it has. I know that I don't like how it feels to be on the receiving end and there's a lot at stake if he does move in properly and it does gets worse, as you've suggested it might, Cake.

Hang on, he said he might come down. He never made a firm commitment, or even a particular time. It's very easy to let time slip past when you haven't committed to a certain time. I don't think what he did was right, but nor I do I think it's a hanging offence. If you want to know by a certain time, then tell him.

It's not just that he didn't turn up though is it? I would be more concerned about how he is acting towards the OP who is upset. He told her he would actually have come round but didnt want an argument, in othe words making it the OPs fault. Nasty IMO.

OK - finance is a problem but mainly due to his blasé attitude to money generally -it's spend spend spend and then nothing.

Hedging his bets, possibly. That's awful to think of though. I'm a clever woman and I hate having the piss taken out of me.

No he isn't getting divorced until the house is sold. That;s the way he wants it. We live about an hour apart.

Oh dear.

I dunno. If I made a vague suggestion, I MAY. Do something. Then had the day from hell, so anything not concrete slipped me by.

I'd be pretty fucked off if I started getting hassle.

Op is talking as if he stood her up or something. He didn't.

So he's married then.

As I explained to him it's not that he didn't come it's that he didn't tell me he had other stuff going on. I'd have been fine with it, I'm not a clingy woman, I'm really independent and have a life of my own.

Thing is, this has happened before and he KNOWS that all he needs to do is pick up the phone and let me know so that I can make other arrangements.

I left it til late because actually I'm pretty flexible with people - but something told me this was not all it seemed!

OK I am NOT OW, he was separated well before we met and had been dating a while. i know this to be true as I've met his DC's.

The bottom line here is he's inconsiderate isn't it and it's not the first time. Do you want to be with someone like that?

Well if he's in the middle of a crisis, with the kids then he may not have had the inclination to phone. He only said he may come down. Neither of you made anything concrete, so you are both at fault there.

IF he isn't still married as in the full meaning, big IF. It could be that being unemployed. He is struggling with the lions share of the travelling and making excuses, be ause he is embarrassed.

If someone says they might come down, it leaves it open. My husband sometimes does this, says he might come early, or might come the day before (we live apart), I would not treat that as a definite arrangement. If I wanted to know for definite, I would text or call him and ask for a definite decision so I could make plans.

I think you are reading too much into it, he was probably exhausted from a busy day, a bit knackered, and it got too late to come. He didn't ignore your text just told you straight when you asked.

Next time, if it bothers you that much, say I need to know so I can make plans/cook dinner, but I don't see the need to force the issue myself and would rather leave the person to make the decision as it suits them, if they are doing the travelling (if you are doing it, it's different).