I'm pissed off with OH but AIBU? He seems to think so…….

[mswotsit]

This is going to sound silly but I am really angry with OH/BF and I don't know why I'm reacting like this. So last night OH/BF said he might come down (longish distance relationship but it's worked well for a year and we're moving toward living together in my house).
by 9pm I know he's not coming and texted him to see what's happening. No, he's not coming as there's a lot going on at home. I say well you could've let me know. He offers up some excuse about dealing with his grown DC (and this has happened before). I reiterate that it's good manners to let people to know if you've changed arrangements. Nothing came back. Nothing til a cryptic phone message today about being in the area and he'd call in if I was at home but otherwise he'd just go home again.
He tells me that he had a crap day dealing with everyone else's problems and would've been prepared to struggle down to me until he got my text and didn't want me to start rowing with him too. WTF!!!!!
then he apologises for not letting me know, laughs, and asks "so when are you going to stop being pissed off with me then?" WTF!!!!

I'm angry and I can't decide if he's just shifted blame for his choices onto me!

If I tell someone I might visit then decide against it, I let them know. Not leave it for them to ask. It's rude. Being in a long distance makes it even harder in terms of how often you get to see each other. It can be a huge disappointment to get your hopes up and a little text wouldn't have killed him. Sounds like he just couldn't be arsed and when pulled up on it, turned it around on the OP.

Thank you, this is very helpful.

So maybe we are both at fault. And he isn't still married in the fullest sense if I've understood you House. stbx moved out and lives alone.

Fair enough op.

Well nine that's how it feels to me. That he didn't tell me, for whatever reason, that he wasn't coming and now somehow I'm the reason he didn't come!!!

I think it would have been the decent thing to have let you know before 9pm if he was unable to come down, that would have meant you didnt need to 'hassle' him.

Fair enough if he had a crisis with his grown up DCs but it only take 1 minute to send a text.

He tells me that he had a crap day dealing with everyone else's problems and would've been prepared to struggle down to me until he got my text and didn't want me to start rowing with him too

IMO thats him telling you you'd better not do that again or he wont come and will blame you for being the nagging woman.

Yes, it feels like I've been warned off complaining.

So leave the bastard then. Is that what you want to hear?

If that's how you feel. It won't get better.

Wrt. If you feel you can't complain and are on egg shells.

he needs to know exactly where I am and what I've been doing every day we don't see each other

Do you mean he's constantly checking up on you, where you are, who've you been talking to, that kind of thing?

Harsh words House.

I don't feel on egg shells actually. I'm feisty enough when I need to be.

Numberlock that's one way of looking at it yes. I don't get cross examined though and he doesn't behave like the archetypal 'jealous BF'. That's why, I think, I'm confused as to how Im supposed to feel - and whether House is right in her rather forthright analysis!

Ooh I missed that bit numberlock.

That doesn't sound good.

So what are you getting out of this exactly, mswotsit, are there are any positives?

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be annoyed about last night, I'd let that go - if it was in isolation. But it sounds like it isn't.

Do you also visit him or does he always come to you?

So...

He asks you to account for your movements.

At least twice, he has told you he might visit (presumbly expecting you to stay in and wait).

He doesn't communicate his plans unless you chase him up.

He doesn't work but has a spend spend spend attitiude to money.

He isn't yet divorced, and this is unlikely to happen soon.

I'd say you were entitled to know where you stand, to be honest.

Op.

If you feel you've been "warned" about complaining. If there is a back story of him letting you down. It's gonna get a whole lot worse.

See what happens, when you don't have distance, and you live together? Not feeling you can bring up grievances as he shall "punish" you. You think you are feisty now? You won't be after months of that.

Good question.

I'd say that I have felt really adored and desired (and after a hellish marriage that's been lovely). I've allowed myself to begin trusting again (and I know that this is partly why I'm posting, I am scared of being hurt again).
we have talked about shared goals and a future which I don't want to give up on. We have had some great times together but currently he doesn't have the money to go out and he refuses to let me pay (so we stay in a lot more).

Inertia I've done that one, albeit some time ago. He tells me not to worry so much as he has made his commitment to me.

Oh I don't sound half as together as I really am. Im hating this but I know I need to do it. I don't want to make a mistake one way or the other.

Oh that's it. Punished. It's sort of how it feels. And I'm angry about that because I know I've not done anything wrong - at all. In fact I'm probably too feckin' accommodating.

Somewhere upthread a poster suggested I tell him I need to reappraise all this. Because it's not about a 'might be' visit. It's about the other stuff that's starting to come out.

The sensible thing to do is get myself some headspace that in the past year I haven't been able to do. The sensible thing to do is tell him I need a few days.

I would listen to your instincts here, OP, and let this relationship go.

He's still married, he has stuff going on with his (older) children, he has seemingly warned you off complaining, he checks up on you (please don't mistake this for love), he has money issues, and you are clearly worried yourself.

You take care of yourself, and move on. Be happy.

Take the positive out of it and move on.

He made you feel loved and desired after a bad marriage and you learned to trust again. All good thanks. This doesn't mean you'll be together for life, though, it's run its course now and time to move on and be glad for what it taught you.

Remember you're both on a journey.

Nah, YANBU :-)

Kick him to the kerb and move on.

You sound lovely OP, why put yourself through this when there will be someone else out there who treats you well and doesn't mess you around?

When its right, its easy; things just fall into place. This just sounds like a lot of hard work to me.

Feeling punished for asking a reasonable question? Nah, not worth hanging on. Move on op, move on. (Though as soon as you tell him, he'll go on a charm offensive, but it won't last.)

Thank you, it's helping.

Well timed that post Jux. That has just happened.

I see what he did as controlling OP. whether he meant it like that I don't know but aside from everything else what stands out is him saying he would have visited but you were annoyed. So in other words unless you are prepared to meet him with open arms and a smile when he visits, forget it. That's just wrong. He is in a relationship with you and should be trying to sort out what's going on whether he feels in the right or wrong, not effectively using the fact that you rely on him to do most of the visiting to tell you how he would prefer you to be or not to be. That, I would be concerned about.