Anyone around to calm me down...?

[MeenaQ]

Long story, oh has walked out. Last night.
Finally admitted to'text flirting' with a girl from work. I found out a year ago, he swore it wouldn't happen again, I told him he was on his last chance. After lots of suspicion he admitted yesterday morning it had never really stopped. Girl he works with, different departments, overlap sometimes. He swears nothing physical ever happened but I bluffed about car park antics and he looked worried. I implied kissing, handholding, hugs fearing worse.

I told him we are finished. Asked him to leave and he refused. He said he can't leave kids. Without us he has nothing to live for.
Eventually he left empty handed, bar his set of keys, after longs saying goodbye to sleeping children.
He text soon after he left saying he was sorry, he loved us, without us he's got nothing to live for.
I replied asking him to give me space, calm down and agreed on counselling. ( which he suggested earlier)

Now I've heard nothing. Can't sleep as I'm worried. I've text asking where he is and called but no answer.
I'm so mad at him.

I don't actually think I want him back but I want him safe. The whole scenario has put me under such huge stress and now to pile pressure on with talk of nothing to live for.....

The children start school and nursery this week and I just want to keep things as normal as possible for them.

Suspect he is yanking your chain. Try not to worry. Has he got friends or family in area?

I doubt VERY much that he will have done anything silly. You've agreed to counselling, you've basically told him it will be ok when you calm down, unless he is seriously mentally unstable then he will realise that he still has a chance to fix things.

He's probably asleep; he may have gone to a friend's to drown his sorrows and is now sleeping it off.

He's cheating on you, and playing on your insecurities about him. The longer he goes without contacting you, the more worried you will be - and he KNOWS it.

As Pops said above, he's playing with your head. Do you really want to let him do that? Because if you give him the chance, he'll mess with your head so much that you won't know if you're coming or going, and he'll end up back where he wants to be, messing you about again.

(((hugs))) OP. Be strong.

Yea his sister is close by but I really think he doesn't want to admit to anyone. I told him to go there.

By taking his keys I expected him to come back.
I feel that he is bluffing but there's always that chance. My troubled mind is in overdrive and I need it rested for the day ahead ....

What Thumb said. As hard as it may be assume he is asleep and try and get some rest so you can think straight in the morning.

Thanks
I'm not actually sure I meant my reply- I just wanted to ease the situation. I'm not sure how we could move on from here. Others have I know but I'm just so hurt.

I actually felt like a glimmer of me yesterday amongst all this...but so desperately sad.

I've begged him for years to spend some quality time together but we never do. He wants the children, the security but he doesn't really want me.

Don't start blaming yourself! He has done this to his family not you. His choices.

I'm not blaming myself. He says I don't give him enough attention. He doesn't quite get that with 3 under 5s, a house, a job that things won't be like they were pre children.

He does a share of the work and has always been good and kind to me bar this.

Cheap thrills from a cheap tart.

The only person I've ever really trusted. This past year he swore it was finished.

Oh Meena my heart goes out to you.
He's a dirty, lying cheater. My ExH was the same and said that he thought about ending everything. It was all about his ego and pride.
I agree with the previous posts. While your brain is churning, he'll be asleep, obvious to the shit storm his behaviour has stirred up.
You may not sleep but think about how you can rest instead. A cup of warm milk, lie in bed with a book.
You ate better without him and everyday will get easier.

"ARE better"..... Sorry

Thanks all.

My daughter is in with me now for cuddles.

I so hope that in time we can work together to cause as little suffering and least impact on these beautiful children
My heart is broken and all the dreams I thought we were striving for in tatters.
I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it'll be ok

Don't start worrying about him, talk of 'nothing to live for' is manipulative bullshit to try to get you to drop the idea of kicking him out. He's a cheat and he never intended to stop. I'm sorry for you but you can't live the rest of your life with a cheat can you?

No Erik I don't think I can. I have to draw strength and carry on but I just want to break down and sob.

I don't really have any friends so feel very lonely

:( I understand. If you don't have much RL support I would ask to have this thread moved to relationships and use it for support. There are lots of lovely people over there to help you.

I guess today will be the hardest
And he'll need to come and collect belongings at some point.

The children adore him and every time they speak about him my heart breaks

Meena
He's playing you (at everything). I understand your fears for his safety. He is making you feel like this to try and force you to accept his terms. His terms are ...well his terms. I suspect you accept a huge amount in this relationship and feel unhappy a lot.

Staying with someone because you feel obliged to is unsustainable. A rocky ride ahead but can you involve his family? Pass the responsibility for him onto someone else. You are not his mother. He's an adult and should behave like one.

He's behaved badly and instead of supporting YOU through this, he's left you in a stressful situation knowingly to bully you into accepting his behaviour.

Don't kid yourself he's just distressed. He knows what he is doing to you

Some men like the idea of children but nt the reality of it.
He is a cheating lying manipulator.
Not sure you can ever get past that.
Doubt he is at his sisters....he will want to hide what he has done from other people.
So sorry op.
Get some advice from a lawyer pronto.

...and bear in mind he could be with her......:(

Don't let him use the kids to tug at your heart strings. He won't stop being their daddy if he doesn't live there.

It's not much help to you now Meena but I was in your situation 15-17 yrs ago (different details). I stuck with him fearing the worst.

I endured years and years of worsening behaviour. Every time he 'got away' with it because I didn't kick him out, he'd be attentive and promise everything... then the behaviour would revert and next crisis he'd have ramped up the pain.

I was eventually suicidal.

I left and his 'worst' was pretty self destructive... hard to watch and hard for the DC. BUT a necessary passage to pass through.

I had teens who I couldn't hide from any of it. My overriding thought and wish was that I had acted sooner. I couldn't make it right ever. I had just dragged out the misery for years.

He's sorting himself out now and living the life he should and wants to. I'm repairing the damage from those yrs, to myself and the DC. I wish I'd acted sooner. It is hard. So hard

Meena - let him come back, tell him to hand over his phone (confiscate it like you would a kid's) and tell him he has got to prove to you that he loves you and the kids.

Please don't listen to people telling you to consult a lawyer; you have 3 very young children and single-parenthood is very tough especially without a support network.

I don't think he'll go to his sisters. She knows something is up tho.

Thank you everyone,I know what you're all saying is right.

Everyone adores him. He will really lose face over this.

He may well be with her- I don't really care.

I've struggled the past year to trust him and all the time he was still at it. It's the lying that's the worst. I caught him on what's app- everytime he left the room, outside for a smoke or I went out he was 'chatting' to her- I could see he was on line!!

But bess, he loves the kids. I don't think he loves me. Not really. He can't do otherwise he wouldn't deceive me like this.

And if I took his phone he'd still see her at work

Greyhound bess that's really shit advice
At the very least he has to move out and give meena space to decide what she wants. And the 'stand by your man' crap is not relevant when the man does not respect you and persistently cheats on you.
Treating a cheating husband like a teenager will only lead to more of the same. This man needs to stop behaving like a teenager and start behaving like an adult.