Anyone around to calm me down...?

[MeenaQ]

Long story, oh has walked out. Last night.
Finally admitted to'text flirting' with a girl from work. I found out a year ago, he swore it wouldn't happen again, I told him he was on his last chance. After lots of suspicion he admitted yesterday morning it had never really stopped. Girl he works with, different departments, overlap sometimes. He swears nothing physical ever happened but I bluffed about car park antics and he looked worried. I implied kissing, handholding, hugs fearing worse.

I told him we are finished. Asked him to leave and he refused. He said he can't leave kids. Without us he has nothing to live for.
Eventually he left empty handed, bar his set of keys, after longs saying goodbye to sleeping children.
He text soon after he left saying he was sorry, he loved us, without us he's got nothing to live for.
I replied asking him to give me space, calm down and agreed on counselling. ( which he suggested earlier)

Now I've heard nothing. Can't sleep as I'm worried. I've text asking where he is and called but no answer.
I'm so mad at him.

I don't actually think I want him back but I want him safe. The whole scenario has put me under such huge stress and now to pile pressure on with talk of nothing to live for.....

The children start school and nursery this week and I just want to keep things as normal as possible for them.

Have to agree with the majority here, he's playing you. Don't fall for it.

I know its easy for us to say but being on the outside its so much easier to see the game he's playing here.

Be strong. He can still be a good dad to your dc's if he chooses too but don't let him use the kids to pull at your heart strings

He's text to say he's ok.

Every part of me knows it's over but then I look at the children and I just crumble. I never got over my patents split. I have no contact with my father and don't really get on with my mum. I just can't bear to think of my children going thru the same.

She's too far away. She adores oh and would probably blame me. I heard her telling him recently how she knows I do nothing and leave him to do everything (which isn't the case at all!) he helps out a lot but won't touch anything financial or of importance- leaves it all to me.

Being a single parent is easier than having your self esteem eroded by a manipulative, lying cheat.

He's been flirt texting for a whole year?

Do you really think its gone no further?

Take care of yourself x

Three years ago I was where you are now but with one child. We divorced. I have never regretted it. I have my self esteem back after he eroded it over the years. I am no longer worried about what he is thinking/doing behind my back.
You WILL cope if that is the path you want to take. I could never accept being 2nd best, could you?

I have text him some of these points and they've been met with silence. I think he stopped loving me around 3 years ago..... Our babies were really young, I'm pretty sure I had pnd, maybe still do. I couldn't physically get to sessions at the time and became quite isolated. Our physical relationship started to suffer, probably soon after I went back to work. Only part time but I work in week blocks so a fortnight at work full time then a fortnight off. When I'm at work it's crazy trying to get stuff done at home then when I'm off I'm just playing catch up all the time.

I'm not making excuses for him but I know I've suffered and changed. I've been to the doctors a few times but I've never been brave enough to be completely honest. I find it so hard, always have, to express my feelings.

Do you have to work, Meena? No way would I work if I had 3 DC under 5 unless I had to for financial reasons.

Meena, the darkest hour is just before dawn and you are experiencing the most difficult bit - making The Decision. I swear once you've got through this then It will
improve. I'm not saying that it's a bed of roses, there will be tough days too. I found being a single parent a million times better than living with a lying shit who I couldn't trust and treated me appallingly.
You have support here, MNetters are amazing at this stuff.

Apart from this huge betrayal he has never treated me badly. The fun went and he looked for fun elsewhere. Having a family is hard work. We both work shifts, don't have much social life, zero money at the end of the month. He buries himself in films and her so it would seem. I get on and bury myself in housework.

Unfortunately yes, I have to work. I have a mortgage to pay and all the bills that go with living. He doesn't have a high paying job and we struggle between us so alone is going to be near impossible.

Are you making excuses for him meena?

No not making excuses but trying to be fair. I have struggled with the children, house stuff, dead end job, no friends- ive not been easy to live with. Ive been paranoid, but not just about him. We have drifted apart. I indulge in mumsnet, he escapes with flirty texts. I'm not making excuses for him. Getting over the shock, the rage I guess.

He wants to come home. I told him this is no longer his home.

My Dc were 2&5 when I kicked my exh out. I worked FT. It's perfectly doable!

Whatever you decide do what's best for you! Kids are resilient!

Dear Meena,
stop thinking about him and about you and him. For now think about you, you, you and then you and the DCs.
He will have to square what his doing, done and is going to do with them eventually.
Try very hard not to contact him in any fashion. Take a look at the space you now have. If you do go to counselling, then perhaps go on your own initially until you have your feelings straighter.
Don't blame yourself for dealing with work and parenthood how you do, it's him that checked out of being a supportive partner.
Keep posting. It's very, very hard - I made many thousands of mistakes in dealing with an abusive wanker who I still loved, but just over a year on things are so much better. The top layer may be shit at times, but the bedrock is much firmer. Have some and try to get out of the house and just enjoy the DCs

Thanks everyone. Just talking aloud really with my posts.
He wouldn't leave last night and obviously thought it'd have all blown over by now and wanted to come back this morning.

I've told the children he's at work- he's on leave to juggle childcare and first days at school & nursery.

Very good advice here Meena (apart from greyhoundbess ???)

I think you sounds as if you started this relationship with low self esteem. he is eroding it futher.

Single parenthood is hard. 'The decision' is REALLY hard. I'm not lying to you.

Having taken both steps I can thoroughly, confidently assure you that it's heaps better than parenting with a man like him.

Oh sorry, Toothbrush, I forgot to spout the Leave the Bastard mantra that is favoured on this board.

Meena - I've been married for nearly 20 years and have an 8 year old DD. My husband has never been unfaithful to me (and as far as you know, neither has your DH), however, even if he was I wouldn't just break-up our family without trying to work things out.

You say your DH is a kind man who loves his kids but the two of you seem to have lost your way as a couple but you can get it back if you both want to and he seems to be willing.

Being a single parent to 3 young kids would be pretty grim; you're broke now and it would be worse if you split up. You'd also have a lifetime of having to negotiate contact for your kids, probably spending Christmas apart from them every other year.

(((hugs))) OP - I'm so sorry that things are like this for you. You are not to blame for this situation - he is.

You've quite clearly stated in your previous posts that once your family life became real (as in children, responsibilities, etc) he lost interest. Not the way a grown, mature man behaves, is it?

Your responsibility is to yourself, and your dcs. Not him. He's enough of an adult that he can face up to the lies and deceit by himself, rather than drag it out any further.

Bess I don't see any posts where the OP's oh is 'willing' to sort things out. He is only concerned about himself and a return to the status quo, where he gets to have fun and keep the OP oblivious.

I've been with my dh for over 20 yrs; if I were in the same circumstances as the OP my relationship would be exactly where hers is. The OH may be a kind man who loves his kids, but he obviously doesn't love the OP - after all, he's been having some form of relationship with a colleague for well over a year - was caught, then lied when he promised to stop, and carried straight on with the other woman. It hardly makes a strong base to build a new relationship on, does it?

Well thanks everyone, I got through yesterday but feeling nervous about today. He is coming later as he wants to take the children for their first day at nursery. They asked very few questions about his whereabouts yesterday.

I still have no idea where I'm going from here so just going to get through a day at a time. I appreciate all the help on here. He seems remorseful. He has text me several times which I've mostly ignored. He has yet to have a day at work with all it's temptations. I really want yo get to the bottom of this, I want to know how far the relationship has gone. I often go away for a few days at a time for work and need to know if this creates opportunities for them. Based on the environment he works in it would be hard to carry out anything too physical. There isn't an opportunity for off site lunch, or running late.

And many of my friends and colleagues see him at work too.
Neither of us are good at expressing our feelings. We both bottle it up and he doesn't like confrontation so tries to avoid. That's where I think counselling would help us.

He is a good dad, a really good dad. He probably copes better with the children than I do, although he doesn't have the same sense of other jobs that need doing alongside looking after the children. He doesn't mind what he does- he cooks, cleans and tidies ( ok not very effectively but surely that's a man thing?)
We did have a good relationship and can work well together.

He's never moaned, complained when I've gone away for work- sometimes for up to a week.
But, hard as it was yesterday I got through it. And I done some research, looks like I'd get some help financially. I may have to give up work altogether as I don't think I'd ever manage childcare. Or at least adjust my working terms. There may be a chance of relocation with promotion. But I don't want to be thinking about that option for now.
I am very much in the driving seat but no idea what way I'm going. He says he'll do anything to get us back. Me back.

And her. She's always gonna be there. There may be a chance that oh can change working shift pattern.

I need this time with him away- I think he thinks he's going to stay but there's no way.

Take some time our MeenaQ and decide what is best for you and your DC. Things are too new and raw just now.
Ask him to stay away for a while, let him see what his life would be like without you and the DC's, sometimes the reality hits them hard.
Carry on with the research financially, get your ducks in a row so that IF you split you know what you are entitled to
Think about what HE could do. Change jobs shifts etc, be more open weith his phone, infact when he comes over ask to see his phone and see just how wiling he is to hand it over. Can you get a phone bill to see just how much/often they have been in touch.
Tell him he has to be completly honest as to the extend of this relationship, this is his one and only chance to tell all--if he is not totally honest and something comes out in the future, he will be gone

I don't want him to miss out on their first day- he is desperate to take them. Plus I need to keep things as normal as possible for the children whilst they settle into school/nursery.

I will see how things go, I have plenty to get on with, but he will leave tonight. If I'm feeling strong enough I might ask some questions later.

There is no point in asking to look at his phone. He would delete everything off before driving home/coming to bed etc. I think he guessed I was onto him as he put a pass code onto his phone and a screen cover that made it near impossible to see.
I want to know whether the texts were now happening outside of work too. He would contact her in the mornings before starting work, meet in the car park. Then go back to the car park together. From the phone records I saw it looked like he done the calling, first texts but they didn't actually see each other that much. She is 20- her Facebook is open for the world to see and full of drunken pictures of her with various girls/boys. She is always on it and there have been one or two status' which have made me suspicious. Everything is full of a milllllllion eeeeees and oooooos and full of xxxxxxx's. The texts I saw are flirty, not explicit. I only saw them from one day though - a day where he expected to see her at work and she wasn't there.

He doesn't have a phone bill- all online. I went thru bank statements and nothing unusual.

He's had one or two nights out this year- I'm not sure if she was there.

Will keep you updated- must get on....

Well after lots of soul searching, talkIng, crying we are very slowly, one day at a time, going to see if we can get back what we lost.

His affair was emotional, he thinks he has a problem. There was never anything physical and he didn't/ doesn't want her physically.

We are going to seek some counselling together and individually. He is very keen on this and I think it'll do us both good. (any suggestions of where to start?)

The texting has stopped.

We have had time apart- he has been on his sisters sofa all week.

He doesn't want to lose me, us what we have as a family. He knows that it might be too late.......

I'm good one minute and a wreck the next.

I know that if necessary I can do it on my own...... He is very aware of this too.

Hmm. He is one lucky man and if he has an ounce of intelligence in him he'll realise that. Please don't rest on your laurels though. Insist on openness with passwords, etc, ask for phone bills and tell him to change shifts so he's not in contact with little miss facebook at work.

Any hint of him finding talking about stuff tiresome, or expecting things to go back to how they were...boot him out again. Good luck.

I would really recommend you both reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends
www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=pd_cp_b_1
and also this little book for your H
www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Good luck.