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Original poster

Giving up only sex life at 27

70 replies

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 09:15

Right, might be a bit of a long one.
I have a wonderful family and dh and I are very happy. All good so far. However we are struggling with our sex life and I have decided to just not bother anymore. He has no sex drive, mine is (was) high and now im throwing in the towel. I have tried talking (8 million times) and he had said all the right things but I'm at the point now that I've lost interest. We had sex 2 nights ago for the first time in about 2 months and it was disastrous.
Can we realistically stop sleeping together and stay as happily married as we are now?
For info purposes- ds is 9 months, I have received oral sex from dh 5 times in 4 years tho have lost count of how much I've given, between the ages of 16 and 22 he had sex a total of 3 times and I was much more active. Didn't want to drop feed and those points seem relevant in my head.
Sorry if this is a very confusing ramble.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 09:16

Titles should read giving up on sex life, not only sex life Blush

OP posts:
broodyandpoor · 03/09/2012 09:33

Polkas Im sorry to read this, I am about the same age as you and came on MN to post about exactly the same thing so will watch thread with interest and desperation !
It's horrible isnt it when every other area of your relationship is fine but the thing which is supposed to pin you together is not, you end up feeling like just friends who live in a house together.
The next thing is very conflicting you may as I have started fancying other people and considering only considering finding sex else where.
I know I would never do any thing as damaging as that but it creates so much turmoil.
So what Im trying to say is that I understand how you feel and await the advice as much as you do- good luck Smile

PooPooOnMars · 03/09/2012 09:35

If the problem is his low sex drive how come you are giving him lots of oral?

Offred · 03/09/2012 09:36

If you are unhappy you won't make it work sorry! Is his sex drive really low or are there problems affecting it?

niceguy2 · 03/09/2012 09:38

No, sooner or later your desire to have sex and his lack of desire will kill the relationship.

As broody says you will eventually 'consider' finding sex elsewhere, then maybe a one off just to get a bit of excitement then eventually your marriage will fail.

Either you both get to the root cause of the problem or I'd be seriously considering calling it a day now.

Is there some medical issue maybe? Or is he stressed at work? Has he always been completely uninterested or has it been recently? Are there maybe family/religious reasons?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 09:40

A marriage without sex is fine if everyone's genuinely happy with the arrangement. But you're clearly not happy so it isn't a good arrangement at all. 'Giving up' sounds unsatisfactory because a loving husband should be suggesting ways to fix the problem. Only a selfish one would pretend it doesn't exist. There are many possible solutions ranging from counselling to medical treatement to agreeing to have an open marriage where you have an outside outlet for your sexual needs. Few people are genuinely asexual - they are either severely repressed, in denial about their sexuality or they are getting sexual relief via something others would find offensive.

I don't think doing nothing is an option and, whilst you may be able to tolerate it for a time, you are likely to end up resentful. 27 is no age to sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else's self-imposed celibacy.

broodyandpoor · 03/09/2012 09:47

A list of things I've considered... may be helpful for you...

Tiredness
Stress
disagreeing about domestic issue (holding resentment)
My sex drive increasing due to my age
His sex drive lowering due to his age
Replacing food for sex
Lack of exercise
Communication breakdown
Lack of respect in relationship
Taking intoxicants (alcohol/cannabis) him not me
Life being mundane/ no holidays no sense of let up
money worries
Him being Catholic
Him no longer wanting to give foreplay
The fear of falling pregnant (my fear)
Morphing into just friends

I hope you don't see this as high jacking I just wondered if you had considered any or all of these!?

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 09:56

Thanks for replies, although they are as I feared.
He just isn't very interested in sex at all. He is gorgeous but still went through uni only havin 2 drunken snogs, nothin more. He had a great career and is very dedicated to it-it's been a lifetimes ambition- he always says that's why he didn't bother with relationships before. It's terrible to say that I have considered previously whether he may be gay isn't it. However I'm quite sure that's not it. He does have a real fear of md gettin pregnant again I think but he has always been this way, even way back when I had the implant. Am totally stumped but he's adamant it's just the way he is. I'm lost.
I don't think your hijacking at all, just wish you weren't sharing my misery.
I don't fancy anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 09:57

He HAS a great career- bloody phone

OP posts:
Offred · 03/09/2012 10:01

You can't make him want sex.

If he really doesn't and you do I think you will have to accept the relationship isn't going to work.

He may want celibacy but he cannot enforce it on you. You should support and accept his choice to be celibate if it is really the case and he should support and accept that you could not live like that if that is also the case.

Opentooffers · 03/09/2012 10:04

Doesn't seem like your DH gets that the more effort you put in, the more enjoyment you get out. This could be the way he is as a person or that he just doesn't know as much as you. You can teach him what turns you on, make suggestions (you may already do this) if he refuses to listen or try the way to get to the bottom of it may be counselling, perhaps he's had a past negative experience. If all fails, you meet a brick wall you've just got to let him know that he's risking your future

ErikNorseman · 03/09/2012 10:06

Some people have little or no sex drive naturally. However sex is a basic human need for most people and IMO it's unrealistic to try to live happily without it if you have a normal sex drive. The thought of never having sex again in my whole life would be insupportable to me, so in your position I would be weighing up leaving versus requesting permission to have no strings sex with other people.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 10:10

I've never met anyone so dedicated to their career that they can't combine it with some physical pleasures along the way. Driven people often have good sexual appetites. He sounds like he's making a lot of very odd excuses, 'just the way I am' is not acceptable, and he doesn't seem to see it as a problem... that's the most depressing part. I honestly think there is something he's not telling you and it most likely revolves around his sexual preferences.

Offred · 03/09/2012 10:13

Yes, I think it is likely there is a reason for it too but if he won't talk about it or explore it then you can only really accept what he says and move on.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 10:16

He's not celibate as such, his desire is just incredibly infrequent.
Perhaps counselling is the best thing then. We've talked it to death which had probanly made it worse. I just don't get why he can't arse himself to make more effort as he truly is an excellent husband in every other way, I'd rather spend my life married to him having no sex than spend it with anyone else having lots.I am by no means thinking of leaving, I'm just worried that some point down the line it may get to that. Fuck.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 03/09/2012 10:21

The fear of you getting pregnant sounds like an excuse, however, you said he had it before. Was your DS planned? Kind of understandable if the fear has already been realised once. How is he as a father? Had you discussed children? Seems there are communication issues on all sorts of levels before getting to 'is he gay or not?' - which, maybe the case also

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 10:25

Sorry had not made that clear-yes ds was very much planned and tried for. He is an amazing father, always got lots of time and energy and is tremendously supportive of me. No complaints or concerns in that department at all.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 10:32

It's the 'why can't he arse himself to make more effort?' part that will get you down eventually. Sex is clearly important to you & it's going to affect your self-esteem the longer your partner is not attracted to you physically. It's only been 4 years so far so you're still in very early days and, no doubt, a baby keeps you busy.... but you're worried enough to post on a website. You wouldn't be the first woman to marry someone flawed thinking things would improve with time and then find they got worse.

Opentooffers · 03/09/2012 10:34

You are back to another avoidance excuse probably then. As you have 'talked it to death' and not got anywhere, if he will talk to a counsellor it seems like a good option. Odd excuses means he's having difficulty talking about it with you, perhaps he is quite repressed and needs a confidential support.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 10:42

God I'm in tears now after reading cogitos post, it's really not good is it? I think I've spent so long like this that I had become used to it a bit and it had lost its seriousness.
What does 'repressed' mean in laymans terms? Hiding something? Or there is an issue even he hadn't realised? I'm afraid of where this might lead, and that the truth is going to be very difficult to handle.

OP posts:
broodyandpoor · 03/09/2012 10:56

You are already living the truth and you're handling it, the truth is that he doesn't want sex much and you put up with it because of his other qualities and the 'good out-weighs the bad'.

When I started to look at my situation honestly, I found that dp and my relationship wasn't perfect though it was, in comparison to our non-existent sex life.

I weighed up the pro's and con's and thought that if I could give myself and orgasm every day all would be well, but it wasn't so now I'm back where I started, I daren't go out for a coffee with a male friend because my mind wonders, as long as I can stay around female friends or DP, I don't become too tormented.

Shit this is dire isn't it but no doubt I will continue to wear blinkers and my comfy old pair of pyjamas to not upset the apple cart. Sad

Horrid limbo land

niceguy2 · 03/09/2012 11:05

Genuine question.

You mentioned this:

"I have received oral sex from dh 5 times in 4 years tho have lost count of how much I've given"

then:

"He does have a real fear of md gettin pregnant again"

So the question is....is he happy to get blow jobs in lieu of sex? Or will he turn those down too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 11:11

Repressed in laymans' terms means that someone is so uncomfortable with normal physical functions or they are so self-conscious about their bodies that they find the very idea of sex - solo or with another - utterly repellent. If someone has grown up being told, for example, that sex is dirty or a sin they will regard it as something too shameful to engage in willingly. If they believe (or have been told) that homosexuality is unnatural and disgusting, and then discover to their horror that they are gay, then they might also decide to opt out whilst carefully creating a straight image of a wife and kids.

Repression can be the result of trauma. Someone who has been sexually abused as a child or raped, for example, may see it as something entirely negative and painful. So they avoid it.

Offred · 03/09/2012 11:12

I think the only relevant thing about that niceguy is that it implies she is giving him blowjobs in order to get him to go down on her/have sex. If that's the case then stop it now. Only do something you want to do sexually with no return expectations. That just destroys intimacy.

Opentooffers · 03/09/2012 11:16

Some people are taught by others growing up that sex or aspects of it are shameful. A child's mind is impressionable and, although the wrong teachings may have been forgotten in adult-hood, the feelings of shame may still lurk unaddressed. He may be looking for excuses as he does not quite know himself where it comes from. Trying my best to explain what I meant my repressed sexuality, others may do better as I'm not an expert.