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Original poster

Giving up only sex life at 27

70 replies

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 09:15

Right, might be a bit of a long one.
I have a wonderful family and dh and I are very happy. All good so far. However we are struggling with our sex life and I have decided to just not bother anymore. He has no sex drive, mine is (was) high and now im throwing in the towel. I have tried talking (8 million times) and he had said all the right things but I'm at the point now that I've lost interest. We had sex 2 nights ago for the first time in about 2 months and it was disastrous.
Can we realistically stop sleeping together and stay as happily married as we are now?
For info purposes- ds is 9 months, I have received oral sex from dh 5 times in 4 years tho have lost count of how much I've given, between the ages of 16 and 22 he had sex a total of 3 times and I was much more active. Didn't want to drop feed and those points seem relevant in my head.
Sorry if this is a very confusing ramble.

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panicnotanymore · 03/09/2012 11:23

You can't give up on sex in your 20s. That will never work long term, as your sex drive is only going to increase over the next 10 years, and you are going to start looking elsewhere.

It is possible to turn a drought around, but if he has never been particularly interested that is going to be more difficult. You have to sit down and really talk about this though, as it won't go away by itself.

Opentooffers · 03/09/2012 11:23

... even something as simple as telling a young boy that it's bad to explore himself (my son knows it's fine as long as in privacy), or getting caught by a family member during masturbation could attribute.

glasscompletelybroken · 03/09/2012 11:26

It's the not being desired that's a killer. I think I could cope better with a partner who really desired me but had physical/emotional problems that prevented him from "following through", than I could with a partner who just didn't seem to have the desire at all. For me I don't have to be at it all the time with DH, but I do need to feel that he wants me.

I don't know the answer but I don't think I would cope well in your situation.

broodyandpoor · 03/09/2012 11:38

What happens if a guy begins to really desire you? Now that, in this situation, is massively intoxicating having not been overtly desired for a long time, I think it's an accident waiting to happen if youve told your partner that it bothers you and he does nothing about it talking to myself as well

cazboldy · 03/09/2012 11:51

good point broody.....

am kind of in that situation - i love my dh dearly, and believe he does me too.... we have sex infrequently - well infrequently to me - approx twice a month...... when we do it is great - and he agrees that he should make more effort. I ALWAYS initiate it, and never feel an ounce of desire from him - EVER. or affection. he never pecks me on the cheek, wants to hold my hand and i think that he thinks that evry time i touch him i am practically going to pounce on him.

this has led to me feeling less than desirable and some kind of nympho - which i don't think i am... just a lanely woman with unfulfilled normal desires. and while i have had 5 dc, i am a size 12/14, and not much different to when we met, and he obviously fancied me then.

anyway - the point is my best friends brother has made it more than clear that he finds me very attractive - and while i am NOT interested in actually acting on it, i do find him very attractive too (he was my only other boyfriend prior to dh, but we never did anything more physical than kiss as i was only 13 Grin) and the thought of someone - anyone fancying/wanting me is such a thrill, and it makes me feel so good Blush

Just wish my dh felt that way Sad.....

sorry for the long post - just struck a chord with me.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 12:39

He came home for lunch and I basically blurted all this out! Did not go well. At least it's opened another discussion and we have shrewd at one further attempt to fix it together else it's off to counselling for us. He still swears its work stuff and tiredness and that he doesn't realise how badly it affects me- despite my havin mentioned it millions of times. Fingers crossed we can do this but I think it's positive that he's agreed to counselling if we can't do it together, yes?

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Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 12:43

That should say agreed. I cannot deal with this fucking phone

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CailinDana · 03/09/2012 12:45

Counselling is a good first step.

I know i might be reading too much into it but i suspect that either he is gay and can't admit it (thus accepts oral but won't reciprocate or engage in full sex) or suffered some trauma when he was younger.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 12:51

Judge him by actions rather than words. If you've raised this millions of times before and he's kept kicking the can down the road beware of being fobbed off. If it's 'work stuff and tiredness', how does the sex improve when you're on holiday? If the answer is 'not at all' then he's lying.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 12:53

BTW don't you find the idea of a man needing counselling in order to find you sexually attractive rather demeaning and humiliating?

broodyandpoor · 03/09/2012 13:01

I feel like the girls in He's Just not that into you Sad
But the difference is Im not dating him I've invested lots into this argh men would just have an affair in this situation < cynical old boot>

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 13:07

Cogito, no not really coz of he needs counselling then it's because he has ishoos not that I'm unattractive. Besides the counselling would be for us to sort out how our relationship has been affected, not just to make him want me. Oh and I can't even remember our last holiday!!!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 13:11

And if, pre DH, you'd met a lad in a bar who had flirted with you and you hadn't responded would you think you had 'ishoos' or would you just think he wasn't your type.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 13:19

He acts like he fancies me- grabs my bum, always wants me cuddled up next to him on the couch etc, he's very tactile just not in the bedroom. He did previously say he was nervous about his performance coz of our differing experience levels, maybe he never really got over that. Or do you think it's as simple as him just not fancying me?

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Numberlock · 03/09/2012 13:21

I'm afraid I don't see this problem as solveable to to both parties satisfaction. If you had both originally been matched in terms of sex drives, maybe you would be able to get back to the point.

But he's never really been into sex so I can't see how anything can improve that.

Also, in joint counselling is he going to be honest and open? What if his issues relate to things he has no intention of revealing to another human being, or at least not in front of his wife?

Would he not be better having counselling on his own?

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 13:23

I should add that I was in a relationship where my boyfriend's sex drive was considerably lower than mine, it led to me having extremely low self-esteem for a short while, constantly questioning why he didn't fancy me etc. Everything else was good but sex is what makes the difference between a relationship and a friendship and if that's not right, it's game over as far as I'm concerned.

Numberlock · 03/09/2012 13:24

Or do you think it's as simple as him just not fancying me?

I don't think it's as simple as that, there could be lots of other things going on here.

What was it like when you first started dating?

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 13:28

I wouldn't have a problem doing it individually, as long as we got help if we needed it. Our sex drives have never matched but I have always believed there could be a happy medium and I still do, but he needs to bd willing to work towards that with me. I am determined this will not cost md my marriage, it really is fantastic except from this. Wish I could get inside his head. He did say at lunchtime that he actively chooses sleep rather than sex coz his job is affected if he is tired-which is true. That made md sad coz it's so sensible, no passion. He is a very level person though, he is pretty dispassionate and never extreme about anything.

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Numberlock · 03/09/2012 13:39

What is his job, polka?

Could you arrange a night away without your son to have some intimate time together? With no pressure to have sex but take time for massage etc. If the sex happens it's a bonus.

Conflugenglugen · 03/09/2012 13:45

Our sex drives have never matched but I have always believed there could be a happy medium and I still do

Living in hope is one of the most hope-less situations to be in, polka. It keeps people hanging on far longer than they would have done otherwise. Assume that his sex drive isn't going to change appreciably in terms of frequency, and work from there.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 13:47

He's a pilot.
We're going to have a chat tonight about doing something like that. I'm hopeful that the message has got through this time and I do believe if we could both relax and enjoy our sex life we could make it work but it's become such an issue for us. He said its all a bit awkward now but wants to wipe the slate clean and a night away would be ideal for that.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 13:50

Not as simple as not fancying you but there are far too many lame excuses going on. You're only worried about different experience levels when you first get together with someone, not 4+ years and a baby down the track. And I'm sorry but no-one's that tired.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 13:53

Yeah ur right conf, I would be happy with infrequent if I felt satisfied with the times I get. That's what made me sad this time, we waited 2 months and it wasn't good as we were tired and just not 'connecting' well. Perhaps a little more effort from both of us would help us both be more satisfied.

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Conflugenglugen · 03/09/2012 13:59

polka - one of the things you could consider doing together is psychosexual counselling, which means it would be far more directed towards the specific issue that you both face. Relate does offer this, as do several other good insitutes. To me, that would be your better bet.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 14:07

Thank you, I will look into it.
And thanks to everyone for reading and giving opinions, plenty of food for thought. Whatever your thoughts please cross your fingers for me

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