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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Giving up only sex life at 27

70 replies

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 09:15

Right, might be a bit of a long one.
I have a wonderful family and dh and I are very happy. All good so far. However we are struggling with our sex life and I have decided to just not bother anymore. He has no sex drive, mine is (was) high and now im throwing in the towel. I have tried talking (8 million times) and he had said all the right things but I'm at the point now that I've lost interest. We had sex 2 nights ago for the first time in about 2 months and it was disastrous.
Can we realistically stop sleeping together and stay as happily married as we are now?
For info purposes- ds is 9 months, I have received oral sex from dh 5 times in 4 years tho have lost count of how much I've given, between the ages of 16 and 22 he had sex a total of 3 times and I was much more active. Didn't want to drop feed and those points seem relevant in my head.
Sorry if this is a very confusing ramble.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 14:07

Pilot as in the type of job where he spends a lot of nights away?

Conflugenglugen · 03/09/2012 14:09

Cogito - That alerted me too. To what, exactly, I am refraining from jumping to conclusions. But I feel it is significant one way or another.

Original poster

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 14:15

No, he's an air force pilot. Sorry, didn't even think to clarify that.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 14:21

So home every night without fail or spends a lot of time away anyway?

MotherOfNations · 03/09/2012 14:32

Perhaps the problem is hormonal. Low testosterone would result in low sex drive. You may have trouble in getting him to agree to being tested though.

Original poster

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 14:37

Pretty much home every night and lunchtimes at the moment but it's a constant state of flux. Very rarely away though at this stage- a couple of weeks in the past 2 years maybe and the odd night here and there. It's not a factor

OP posts:

Original poster

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 14:42

Mother, thanks for the idea. Just looked at it but I don't think he really fits the other signs/symptoms

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 15:11

Does he go the gym much?

MotherOfNations · 03/09/2012 15:16

Perhaps it is simple tiredness. There are nights that me and my partner both want sex but are both too tired to initiate anything but would be quite happy to lie there and let the other do all the work. If you initiate sex does he turn you down flat?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 15:19

Nobody is that tired MotherOfNations. Not for four straight years and pre-DC.

MotherOfNations · 03/09/2012 15:28

Perhaps lazy is a better word than tired. As Op said he is happy to receive oral sex but doesn't reciprocate. I would just sit on his face and pin him down:-)

Original poster

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 15:38

Lord, he would die if I sat on his face!! To be fair he has only turned me down flat once. Maybe it is laziness after all.
He never goes to the gym unless it's forced-why?

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 03/09/2012 15:40

I think a pilot sounds like an all consuming job. I think it's really unfair to jump to conclusions that his reasons are all lies.

Maybe his job is always on his mind, and if that is the case maybe he needs therapy/help to rebalance his life.

I'ld take his answers at face value and not look for hidden meaning.

Have you tried scheduling in sex. I know it's boring, but you want it more often and he doesn't want it to effect his sleep routine. Maybe it could start a negotiation process.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 15:40

Two reasons for asking about gyms. They are big gay meeting points and men who overdo the muscle-building sometimes struggle with sex.

Original poster

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 15:46

Oh right, never even thought of that!! Not sure sir force gyms are massive gay meet ups as much...
Thanks for the idea Molly, i will put that idea to him later. His job really means the world to him and is high pressured so I do believe him that it's on his mind but i wish he could let it go a bit you know

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 03/09/2012 15:50

Well if he doesn't go to the gym, and is very work focused, then he might benefit from some form of wind down between work and home. Something sorta freeing like cycling or hill walking, to really declutter the mind before he gets home.

Toptack · 03/09/2012 16:11

I agree with Molly - I think being an air force pilot could be all-consuming and would take his explanation for his lack of sex drive at face value (for now). The real question is whether he's prepared to address the problem, for your sake. I also agree that it may be helpful for him to mentally declutter between home and work... Do you live on the base, by any chance? I've found that its a lot harder for my OH to separate work and home since we moved 'behind the wire'.

Lol at the idea of a forces gym being a gay pick up joint, btw.

Original poster

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 16:15

Yeah we're on the base. Maybe when hes finished this partocular posting he'll be able to relax a bit. I'll suggest running/cycling home from work more often too. Glad I posted today, got all sorts of new ideas to try

OP posts:

OliveandJim · 03/09/2012 16:31

OP, fair enough we are in our 40s so probably less of an issue but DP couldn't care less about sex either. Especially after the baby arrived he seemd to have lost the last of his remaining libido....but it's also a trait of his character, he has never cared much about it and after the first year of passion (we had been single for 7 and 5 years respectively with very little if for him no sex whatsoever), he reverted to once every two months.
Now that DS is 1 and a half and I've got some of my figure back it is more often however it was always lovely. I tried the talking about it, it didn't help, so I decided to wait and the more patient I got, the more he started surprising me and we're now on once every 2 weeks which is much better and also it's always spontaneous and quite a bit of fun as we have to find a ways whilst co-sleeping with DS etc....
I know thta at 27 my arrangement must sound horrible but perhaps consider a few points.... A lot fo men start seieng their DW as the mother of their child primarily and this is a real killer for sex. The tihngs he would be doing to his wife are very differne tto the tihngs he'd be willing to do to the mother of his child.
I'd say, don't over kill the bunny by talking too much about it and giving him the impression that he has to perform as the pressure could be a killer too and perhaps try and find some time to eb acouple againa nd not just mummy and daddy?

Original poster

polkadotsrock · 03/09/2012 16:38

Thank you olive, he did mention today that it feels awkward now, in a sort of 'I want to but you think I don't and that I'm only doing this coz you told me to way don't you' sort of thing. Basically there is pressure there and we're both incapable of turning our heads off and just going with it. I am definitely to blame for that. Although I think I've been patient in spells and it hasn't worked but I'll certainly bare it in mind.

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